I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me….

“What’s the matter with the way we look?” begins the lead singer.

One look at the record cover shows what a brave issue this is to raise. There are, it seems, many answers to his enquiry - but for now let’s just say his scarf was probably a bit of a mistake.

“Surely it’s not the end ?” he counters immediately.

Sorry what’s your name? Peter? Well no, it’s obviously not ‘The End’, Peter. There’s no need to overreact, it was just my opinion that’s all.

He interrupts me again: “I only meant to make my emotions clear…” Well, consider yourself very successful in this regard, OK? I won’t mention that bloody scarf again. Jesus.

From hereon, my already admittedly tense relationship with Peter begins to go downhill. He accuses me of worrying too much before completing a total U-turn, asking me to be his friend. This is disturbing bipolar stuff, but it’s not as disturbing as the way he is walking towards me and leaning against the wall - cutting off my only escape route out of the room. He looks at me deeply in the eyes. I try to back away but cannot. He speaks :

“When your heart is weak, I’m gonna pick the lock on it
My fingertips won’t fail me no matter what you do
The love you cannot see yet is about to witness a dawning
And you can twist and turn but you won’t get loose”

The love I cannot see yet ? Errr… Peter? I’ve known you for… what ? A minute and half ? Can I make something very clear : I am not in love with you. It’s not that I cannot ’see’ it ‘yet’, it just isn’t gonna happen. Ever. Also, I don’t like your rather sadistic allusion to me twisting and turning and trying to get ’loose’…

The mood hardens further in the second verse, as Peter’s eyes narrow : “Better forget getting rid of me, I don’t see how you can…”

Oh shit. Now he’s really starting to worry me.

“You put me off and I will hunt you down… again… “

It is at this point that I note it appears Peter really hasn’t forgiven me for that comment about the scarf.

“I’m mighty patient when I have to be, you have given me that
Still I look forward to the day you let me in”

Hang on a minute. First up I haven’t bloody well given you anything apart from a now obviously misplaced snippet of fashion advice. Secondly, if we ever do meet again, I’m not letting you ‘in’ anywhere : not into my group of friends, my house, and certainly not any of my bodily orifices. I am leaving. Now.

I’m starting to panic. After another chorus of Peter trying to make me ’see’ my ‘love’, he frowns at me like a constipated toddler. Oh shit. It’s the middle 8. He jabs me in the stomach :

“I’m gonna prove myself worthy, no more just hanging on without a prayer of a chance”

Will you get out of the way of the door please ? I want to leave.

“I’m gonna come without warning”

Oh no you’re bloody well not. Get your fucking hands off me.

“When your defences are down and you’re in a desperate need”

What the fuck do you think you’re doing? I have no desperate need that involves you, thanks very much - and those are not my ‘defences’ you’re trying to violently pull down Peter, they are my fucking trousers and I am not fucking interested, OK ?

“Oh, I bet you then, you’ll welcome me…”

What exactly am I saying that is so uncomprehensible? I am not ‘welcoming’ you anywhere, Peter. Particularly not there. Now get off me.

Right - this is ridiculous. This conversation is finished. I’m calling the police…

Errrr…..Peter? Peeeeterrr…

… put… down… the knife…

Song Any Good ?

Yeah, it’s alright - it’s one of those songs that you know you’re not supposed to like, but then find yourself inexplicably singing as you walk around Sainsbury’s. You’ll quite enjoy it, as long as you don’t start imagining that you are in a conversation with the lead singer which ends with your own brutal rape and murder.

‘Cock Robbing?’

Stop it.

‘In Your Parted Cheeks’ ?

I said stop it.

Would You Like To Clarify Anything ?

Yes. I would like to categorically point out that Peter Kingsbery has definitely never either raped or murdered me. Nor, I am sure, would he ever have the inclination to do so for one very good reason : he is the lead singer of Cock Robin and definitely not a rapist, a murderer, or a delusional lunatic. In case there is any doubt whatsoever, I am designing a new T-Shirt for our shop :

“Peter Kingsbery Is Innocent’

Please show your support.

So Where Is The Non-Sexually Violent Peter, and His Non-Rapey Friends ?

Well, they’re not here, that’s for sure :

http://www.cockrobinband.com/

unless Peter likes to be called Jim ‘Buzz’ Rummings of a weekend - and this is not their boat :

http://www.cockrobin.com/

But, this is their myspace page and - like so many others on this website before them - they have only gone and bloody reformed :

http://www.myspace.com/peterkingsberycockrobin

Try not to snigger at the fact that the myspace music player shortens the band name to ‘Peter Kingsbery and Cock’. I certainly didn’t.

Tempted ? Then buy their newest album :

http://tinyurl.com/32kwp4

Not tempted - but want the old one ?

http://tinyurl.com/2yznqg

Anything To Add ?

Yes, the name of the keyboard player - Anna LaCazio - is actually a hilarious pseuydonym coined by our Peter because she turned up for the band audition with a shitty Casio keyboard rather than something posh like a DX7 or something.

He would have to eat his words these days though - the latest Casio keyboard has 61 keys, 500 ‘high quality tones’ a whopping 120 rhythms and a ‘Voice Fingering Guide’ :

http://tinyurl.com/2bgh53

You can’t ask for much more than that can you ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current value : 2 pounds and 89 pence. Neither exciting, nor crap.

Current profit : 91 pounds and 35 pence. Incidentally, a few posts back I claimed that Randy Travis was the most successful song on here, because everything else had completely failed to chart. It turns out I was wrong. One other record here did chart - and get to a higher place than Randy. Number 50 to be precise. Who ? Gay Gordon. And The Mince Pies

Bloody hell.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 17th, 2007 at 3:33 pm and is filed under Reformed, Wants Your Pants, Scary, Obsessive. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.