I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Do you remember Tommy ?

Of course I do. How is he these days ?

Tremendously well… he’s got himself a good job.

Really ? What excellent news. It’s been ages since he was sacked from the Ealing branch of Homebase for beating up the coloureds.

I beg your pardon ?

Obviously beating up the coloureds wasn’t enough to make him lose his job at Homebase in itself – oh no, he had to spend a good afternoon beating up the queers as well in order to ensure anything like that occurred - but… anyway, what am I talking about… that was years ago and we’ve all moved on since then. So what is this new good job that Tommy has now ?

Errr…

Yes ?

Well, now…he walks around Belfast…

Yes ?

…beating up the coloureds and beating up the queers.

Oh.

Are those the kind of people skills that can get you gainfully employed these days ?

Apparently yes.

Gosh, the job market really has changed since I last looked– still, he did have a particular penchant for it if I recall the local newspaper headlines correctly, so it’s nice that he’s found his niche. Is he happy ?

Absolutely – he fucking hates coloureds and queers so he’s having a great time.

What about coloured queers ?

Sorry ?

I already note that his job description obviously relates his tremendous propensity for beating up coloureds and queers in total isolation of each other – but what if you happen to be both ? Is this something Tommy can help with ?

Well, he’s only been doing the job for a couple of weeks so I suspect he needs to hand off those more complex and sensitive cases of integrated colouredyqueerness for his senior officers to deal with… but if I know Tommy as well as I think I do, it won’t be too long before he gets promoted so he can beat them up all by himself.

Good for him… I doubt I’d be very good at his good job though - after all, I rather like coloureds and queers.

What? All Coloureds And Queers ?

Well no, obviously not all coloured and queers – a certain percentage of the human race, as I assume you are suggesting, are always bound to be utter wankers – that’s just a fact of life. Indeed, I was at a dinner party with a friend of mine just the other day and during one of those embarrassing moments where the conversation briefly dried up the hostess turned to him and cooed “Oooh, you should meet Jonathan.. he’s black and gay too…”

How did your friend respond ?

“ I am sure he is, but he may also be a twat. ”

Good point.

I thought so.

Is There Anything Queer About This Record?

Yes there is.

Firstly the record label, you will note in the gallery, is marked not as A and B but as side C and side D - and secondly this poor unloved record doesn’t even have it’s own record sleeve to cover it’s fragile nakedness, which means it’s all gone a bit crackly. The only sad conclusion we can draw from this is that it used to be part of one of those new fangled doublepacks - even if I can’t find out for the life of me what the other record may have actually been.

In a way though this doesn’t really matter as, in a bizarre implementation of fascist segregationist policy, Tommy’s Got A Good Job has obviously been ripped heartlessly from the bosom of it’s immediate family by the record shop owner and then thrown naked and alone into an anonymous pack of 12… before almost being suffocated to death in clingfilm.

Is it, we must openly question, because it is black ?

Tell Me About Light A Big Fire

A few people rate Light A Big Fire alot - and on the strength of this song alone I don’t really blame them. Some claim they are the best Irish band of the era. I unfortunately can’t tell you about every single person involved in the band for the very good reason that I have no idea who most of them actually are, but two people have certainly emerged smiling eagerly from the ashes :

a) Their drummer is a chap called Mark Sheppard - who has also played drums for Robyn Hitchcock and Television Personalities in his time. He has since given up drumming however, has moved to Los Angeles and become an actor - seen most recently with Michelle Ryan in Bionic Woman:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Sheppard

b) The singer and songwriter in Light A Big Fire is one Thomas McLaughlin and he is now a playwright - although he also composes music for theatre, rather poshly is a board member of the Irish Playwrights and Screenwriters Guild and, just like Mark, has even been known to tread the boards himself :

http://www.irishplayography.com/search/person.asp?PersonID=1695

Incidentally his play The Way The Buffalo Went looks really rather fabulous, based as it is on the life of a lady called Sarah Winchester. Just read this fascinating blurb… she was the

“widow of the inventor of the Winchester repeating rifle which played a leading role in the annihilation of Native Americans. Following her husband’s death, Sarah’s guilt drove her to a medium who advised her to protect herself by always living in a remote house that was always in a state of construction. When she died thirty years later, Sarah Winchester left behind a house containing 160 rooms, 10,000 windows, 467 doors, 47 fireplaces, 40 staircases, 6 kitchens and 3 lifts.”

Want to see the ridiculously large house ?

http://www.winchestermysteryhouse.com/press.html

Want to see the ridiculously large factory where the guns were made ?

http://www.winchestercollector.org/guns/w-history.shtml

Can You Tell Me About Beating Up The Coloureds And Beating Up The Queers Of Northern Ireland Please ?

Errr… kind of…

I would recommend a quick squizz at Divided Society - Ethnic Minorities and Racism in Northern Ireland :

http://tinyurl.com/5ztyrs

which is very interesting as it essentially suggests that because of that whole Catholic/Protestant stuff any other religious/ethnic minority rarely gets a look in - and, when you’ve read that… why not note that, in 1999 at least, gay men in Ulster were 30 times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual counterparts mainly due to bullying :

http://news.ulster.ac.uk/releases/1999/168.html

whilst homophobic attacks in Northern Ireland apparently doubled in 2004 :

http://tinyurl.com/5ouoz7

All of which isn’t - I will admit - exactly uplifting reading.

I Am A Bit Depressed Now. Can You Tell Me About Some Fantastic Ways To Light A Big Fire Of My Own ?

I would recommend undertaking such an exciting endeavour with either just a Coke Can and some chocolate for company… or a 9 volt battery and some steel wool :

http://tinyurl.com/4jaqd8

Which all looks rather fun.

Any Big Conclusion To Relight My Fire With ?

Yes.

This song is one of three live recordings on this record and, seeing as it was the bit of a package that was supposed to be free with something else, no real one song is the A side as such. I chose Tommy’s Got A Good Job because frankly, it is obviously utterly brilliant - despite the inherent scratchiness. After all, a little bit scratchy is precisely what I would be feeling like if I had been lying naked in a box for twenty years too… so I can feel it’s pain.

If you want to hear the original version of this song then follow the next link - I warn you though after hearing the superfast rough and tumbly live version, then the slightly slower Official Studio Version can seem a little too polite in comparison :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpPXyDndQFY

Still, you might get a chance to see it live for real soon… as there are nine Light A Big Fire songs to listen too at Youtube - and a comment left at one of them by somebody who claims to know, says an imminent reformation is due… in November.

So this is our bread today, but that maybe our jam tomorrow.

Money Update

Cost - 8 pence
Current Value - An orphaned record with no sleeve that was supposed to free and attached to another bit which I never had ? You’ve guessed it…Minus 8 pence.
Current Profit - 195 pounds and 68 pence. Definitely not a good job.

Supporting Cast Update : Television Personalities; Hitchcock, Robyn

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008 at 5:55 pm and is filed under Politics, Brilliant. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.