I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

* Official I Am Not The Beatles Warning : This article requires you to do some actual jumping, so please clear an area next to your computer in line with all Health and Safety directives before proceeding. Thank you. *

Jumping

Jumping is brilliant.

Everybody likes a good jump.

It is a shame then that as we get inevitably older, occasions within which jumping would be a socially acceptable thing to do sadly start to diminish. In fact, the more immersed we become in the relentless gravity of everyday adult existence, our lives can become essentially jumpless.

If you went back in time and told your eight year old ever bouncing self that by the time you were as old as you are now you would never be doing any jumping around at all, they would look at you like you were totally bonkers. Before we go any further then, let us rectify this situation immediately and… have a quick jump around.

Come on, what are you waiting for - get yourself off that chair and jump in the air you miserable bugger… I absolutely promise that it will make you smile…

Ooooh, actually, if you do what I just did and also combine the jump with a childish ‘Wheeee!’ sound at the same time - it might even make you giggle.

There… feel better ?

Of course you do - because jumping is brilliant.

Jumping Songs

Jumping songs are almost as good as jumping itself – this comes with the very important caveat that they need to give you the precise reason why they want you to jump, and then repeat it excessively throughout. It doesn’t matter if the Jumping Reason given doesn’t really stand up to close scrutiny in the cold light of day - nobody will notice because they will be too busy having fun jumping around to care – but it is important that you state the reason and repeat it.

Alot.

Good Reasons To Jump

In their song Jump, The Pointer Sisters show themselves to be sexually obsessed jump fetishists, telling you to jump for their ‘love’. So obsessed are they in fact, that if they had been in the room 30 seconds ago and caught you jumping up and down going ‘Wheee!’ next to your computer, it would have been the best bouncy porn they’d have seen all year. As a reward, you would have been on the receiving end of not just that aforementioned ‘love’ but also their ‘kisses in the night’ – which seems like a rather good trade doesn’t it ?

Bad Reasons To Jump

Jump by Van Halen is an example of bored rockers jumping for an uncaring generation – telling you to jump for the rather uninspiring reason that, well, ‘You might as well.’

This can make it feel less of a jump, and more of a trip hazard.

Very Bad Reasons To Jump

Count Basie’s Do You Want To Jump Children? asks a question in definite need of rephrasing or – at the very least – the luxurious addition of a well placed comma situated somewhere upon it’s person.

The sick bastard.

How Does Jump To It Fare ?

It all starts rather well as it gives you a reason to have a quick jump within the first 20 seconds, which is nice – telling us we should Jump To It if we say a question we want to know the answer to. Luckily I did have a question, and I said it… so I jumped.

Good For You. What Was Your Question ?

I wanted to know if that really is Jon Moss on the front cover.

Is It ?

Apparently, yes.

From hereon in, however, it all starts to go horribly wrong as – just when you’re learning where those Jump To It’s should theoretically be occurring (which is, rather excitingly, just about every other line) - Heartbeat UK start messing with the formula and shout things at those points other than Jump To It. If like me you have been jumping around to this song in the live environment, you will already know that this can lead to jump confusion leading on to the strong suspicion that Heartbeat UK aren’t really that keen on jumping at all.

In the second verse, for example, it says I shouldn’t ever forget that my heartbeat’s keeping a rhythm. I hadn’t forgotten this so I jumped, only to hear the band then shout Pump To It rather than Jump To It when I was already midair – which made me feel really silly as I was now jumping totally unnecessarily. Fortunately this happened on my own in the living room with the curtains pulled so nobody noticed, but imagine if I had done that in a nightclub – I’d be forced to leave out of embarrassment.

It was at this point I really wished I’d listened to what my mama used to say.

What Did Your Mama Used To Say ?

Junior’s mama used to tell him to take his time young man, which is spectacularly good advice in the right situation – such as being the centre of attention of The Pointer Sisters’ kisses in the night, for example. Meanwhile, my mama used to say ‘never trust anybody who tells you Cross my heart I’m not leading you on, particularly if they say it at the end of the verses just before the bridge to the chorus.’

Unfortunately, by the time I had remembered this rather specific piece of parental advice, I had already got carried away with the overexcitement of it all.

Do You Like Jump To It ?

I don’t dislike it but it is, I am afraid, a tad disappointing - as by the end your initial suspicions are confirmed when you come to the realisation that the main repeated line is in fact ‘I want this forever, I want this for life…’ which is actually all about replacing one status quo with another, and is about as far away from the adventurous anarchic spirit of jumping all over the place it is possible to get.

Is This The Most Misleading So-Called Jumping Song You’ve Ever Heard ?

Absolutely not. The Sultans Of Ping’s Where’s Me Jumper ? wasn’t exactly as advertised either.

I Have A Fetish For Slightly Shit Orchestra Hits. Will This Help ?

It certainly will. Depending upon how this fetish manifests itself, you may well find yourself totally unexpectedly orgasming into your rather surprised pants somewhere around 2 minutes and 35 seconds - which really will make you jump, I assure you.

Who Are Heartbeat UK ?

The aforementioned obviously lovely Jon Moss fresh from telling us how stupid war is in Culture Club, ex-Roman Holliday vocalist Steve Lambert who really doesn’t want you to even think about stopping it - plus two sadly currently unidentified others.

Could Their Record Cover Actually Be Any More Gay ?

No.

I’ve tried everything from imaginatively hanging some gladioli from their audaciously pert snow-washed denim bottoms, to dreaming they are all about to recreate that Take That video and suggestively cover their buttocks with raspberry jelly instead - but none of it worked.

Seeing as it has been scientifically proven that any room on this earth immediately becomes 10% more camp just by me walking through it’s doorway, this is a superb achievement for Heartbeat UK and must not be underestimated.

Where Are Steve and Jon Now ?

Jon plays in a number of bands these days, and recently also played drums on the charity single ‘People I Don’t Know Are Trying To Kill Me’ whose profits went to help the families of those affected by the tube and bus bombs in London :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jon_Moss

Meanwhile Steve was obviously getting bored by the endless stream of emails begging him to reform Roman Holliday, so… he reformed them for a special one off show in 2001 :

http://www.romanholliday.co.uk/

He does have his own website, but at the time of writing it is ‘under reconstruction’ with a nice picture of some dancing horses being it’s only feature, so here is a nice interview with Steve telling us that shit, has indeed, happened - and this is the CD he’s on about.

Incidentally, Roman Holliday’s guitarist - Brainy Brian - is now professor of Russian History at Youngstown State University :

http://brianbonhomme.freeservers.com/

Gosh. What Was Heartbeat UK’s Profound Influence On The Pet Shop Boys ?

‘Profound’ is perhaps too strong a word for it but - for reasons I still cannot entirely fathom - the Pet Shop Boys changed the name of their lovely number one hit song Heartbeat …to Heart just because Heartbeat UK existed :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart_(Pet_Shop_Boys_song)

Which is odd.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Good God… Original acetate - 112 pounds and 90 pence. Bloody Hell… Most expensive vinyl- 28 pounds and 33 pence. Cheapest Vinyl… 2 pounds and 9 pence. Ah, that’s better.

Current Profit : 165 pounds and 39 pence. After releasing just one song… Heartbeat UK sadly disbanded. Oh well, want to watch the video ? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwncUdFBxY4

Supporting Cast Update : Pointer Sisters, The ; Van Halen ; Count Basie ; The Sultans Of Ping ; Take That ; Culture Club ; Junior

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 12th, 2008 at 1:42 pm and is filed under I Am Quite Famous, You Might Not Make It To The End, A Bit Camp. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.