Jean Beauvoir - Feel The Heat - 1987 - Virgin
Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…
Jean Beauvoir has a rather unusual party trick.
When he stands in front of a 100 watt lightbulb, has precisely the right amount of his mum’s talcum powder blown into his face by an industrial strength snow machine, and thrusts his head back as far as it can go thus exposing his voluptuous adam’s apple - the resulting neck shadow on his bedroom wall looks just like the carving of Abraham Lincoln in Mount Rushmore on a scorchingly hot misty morning.
It is a desperate shame the photographer didn’t get quite the right angle, because it really is dreadfully impressive.
What Exactly Is This Heat Jean is Feeling ?
The heat of time passing and the feeling of his own imminent death.
That Sounds A Bit Depressing. Are You Sure ?
Oh yes.
You see, Jean has been dangling his dangly bits in places where they really shouldn’t have been dangled and is feeling slightly bad about the whole scenario. Poor old Jean knows he’s been doing wrong and he wants to stop, but that ever dastardly time has been turning though his mind and he is starting to feel the heat of his own mortality and resulting predictable lonely death.
After a few throaty minutes considering his options however, he eventually decides to have another quick dangle anyway. After all, you only live once don’t you ?
As reasons for infidelity go, it certainly beats ‘I was drunk.’
Can You Feel The Heat ?
Yes I can.
The sure knowledge that - despite the emotional pain we experience on a daily basis - we will all face our own death scared and alone mixed with the fact that within 100 years nobody will know we were ever here, let alone care, is a tough one for us all to face.
Despite this existential angst however, my dangly bits are being very firmly dangled where they should be being dangled thanks very much.
Is Jean Beauvoir His Real Name ?
I was utterly convinced it was a totally made up concoction styled with his own vanity (his surname translates, after all, as beautiful to see) but, no, I was wrong : it’s his real name alright.
I Bet His Story Is Really Dull…
You may find this very very hard to believe - I certainly did - but his story is actually absolutely fascinating.
Jean is apparently of Haitian descent and was born in Chicago. When he was 13 he was so determined to be a performer he lied about his true age and managed to get himself recruited to be the musical director for very successful singer Gary US Bonds (who was so well known in America at that time he actually consistently headlined above The Beatles).
As a result of this, Jean then went on to do shows with such luminaries as Bo Diddley and Chuck Berry. As if this wasn’t enough for a thirteen year old, he was then recruited to become the lead singer in an incarnation of The Flamingos (most famous for I Only Have Eyes For You):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Flamingos
After this (now at the ripe old age of 15) sensing he hadn’t really achieved that much in his life yet, he moved to New York and joined a band who very quickly turned into the horribly well respected Plasmatics with Wendy O Williams :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Plasmatics
Fastforwarding a few years to Feel The Heat, the album this song came from sold an incredible 1.5 million copies wordwide and Feel The Heat was used as the theme tune for yet another film I’ve never seen : Cobra with Sylvester Stallone.
http://www.joblo.com/arrow/reviews.php?id=935
From hereon in, his life is a who’s who of the corporate rock empire and also an exhaustive lesson in how to make quite literally shitloads of money in the music world. Take a look :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean_Beauvoir
Brace yourselves though, some of his history does involve Shalamar :
http://www.rathole.com/fireworks/23/4.asp
Anyway, Jean is still with us, no longer has a talcum powder fetish and is obviously stupidly loaded. These days he has a goatee, a very strange pair of eyebrows and no other visible hair to speak of :
Gosh. Do You Have Any Dangerously Long Interviews With Jean For Me To Read ?
I certainly do.
If you’ve always wondered how Jean thinks Chameleon compares to Drums Along the Mohawk in terms of his progression as a songwriter (The answer is that he asks himself that very question all the time) - now is your chance to find out :
http://www.the-fuze.com/jean_beauvoir.html
If Jean Hadn’t Written This Song To Tell Me, How Else Could I Have Discovered His Infidelity ?
In her book ‘Is He Cheating On You? 829 Telltale Signs’, Ruth Houston rather unsurprisingly claims there are… 829 telltale signs :
http://www.ishecheatingonyou.com/
I like Ruth, partly because she refers to herself as an ‘infidelity expert’ - which frankly sounds like the best job in the world - but also because she feels the need to point out that ‘No special skills or equipment are needed’.
I also particularly like her advice if you are worried your loved one is secretly shagging your best friend, which is this : if your best friend happens to show you something new like jewellery or lingerie at some vague point after Valentine’s day… always ask them to show you the receipt.
Subtle or what ?
Money Update
Cost : 8 pence
Current Value : Jean maybe mind bogglingly rich but his record is quite literally worthless. There are none anywhere - and I must therefore record our third desperately disappointing minus 8 pence. With this frankly damning outcome he joins the not remotely poncey Latin Quarter and not remotely sexy Georgio… at the bottom of the pile. Oh well, want to hear the 12″ ? If you don’t laugh at some point in the first two minutes - existential angst or not - you are very possibly dead already :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNpk_Z1h3As&feature=related
Current Profit : 157 pounds and 93 pence. Bugger. We’ve gone down - and not,as Jean’s front cover is really trying to suggest, in a good way.
Supporting Cast Update : Bonds, Gary US; Diddley, Bo; Berry, Chuck; Flamingos, The; Williams, Wendy O; Stallone, Sylvester
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