I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Well, this is exciting. We haven’t received a record sleeve communiqué since the dark days of Nazz Nasko’s gap ridden reggae monstrosity, ‘No More’.

If you were perplexed by Nazz’s insistence that you were more likely to be seduced by his lolloping charms if he emblazoned the phrase ‘Remix By Froggy’ across himself - despite the fact that

a) It didn’t appear to be a remix, and
b) You had no idea who ‘Froggy’ actually was -

then the hastily stuck sticker on Willy’s record which proudly proclaims this to be the ‘Theme From The Gateway Stores Television Commercial’ is likely to leave you feeling faintly giggly.

Willy doesn’t let your coy smile affect his performance however and turns in an optimistic, if hungover, vocal.

‘Beyond the blue horizon,’ Willy groans - watching the seagulls circle above him as he throws an empty whisky bottle into his recycling box - ‘ waits a beautiful day…’

Now, although it is lovely to hear Willy being so cheerful of a morning despite his headache, I feel it is my moral duty to point out that not all blue horizon’s actually do bring the beautiful day he is so merrily trying to describe.

The last time I saw a blue horizon, for example, was out the corner of my eye when I was 9 years old. It was a metallic blue Talbot Horizon being driven by my uncle, and it was about 2 milliseconds away from knocking me unconcious in the middle of the road just outside of my parents house.

In this case, the blue horizon lead less to a ‘beautiful day’ and more to a ‘fucking painful evening’, followed by ‘a really rather miserable couple of months.’

Is Willy’s Song Any Good ?

It is rather like a family shopping trip to the now defunct supermarket chain this record is advertising : largely uneventful.

Where’s Willy Now ?

Errr… this is where our story plunges rapidly from ‘exciting’ to ‘deeply worrying’ as - in an apparently determined attempt to rub ever larger pieces of salt into the newly remembered broken limbs of my pre-teen self - Willy is currently in an outfit called ‘Willy Finlayson… and The Hurters’ :

http://willyfinlayson.com/

Willy seems very well respected and has played with such people as Jools Holland and Manfred Mann’s Earthband in the past - but nothing can take my mind away from the fact that, with this record and his current choice of bandname, he is quite blatantly taking the piss out of my own misfortune.

Aren’t You Taking This All Rather Personally ?

No.

In fact the more I think about it, the more I realise this song is quite plainly part of some sort of Terminator style conspiracy organised by my Uncle, who has obviously travelled through time in order to place this very particular record into my box. Why he would do this though I am not entirely sure. Am I destined to save the planet via the admittedly odd medium of written descriptions of inter-familial car accidents ?

Even more worryingly, will the next record also have been placed there by someone from the future - but this time by my uncle’s Evil Equivalent with the sole intention of it trying to kill me ?

I, and I am sure you, await the next record with much trepidation.

On the off-chance that you’re right and you are murdered by the next song before you get a chance to write about it, do you have an interesting fact about this record to sign off with ?

Thank you for your concern, and yes I do.

This record was produced by a chap called John Altman - the same man who produced the Not Entirely Dissimilar Now I Come To Think About It ‘Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life’.

He did loads of Monty Python stuff and then went on to become terrifyingly successful working with people like George Michael and Diana Ross to name a few. Coincidentally, he also arranged, conducted and produced Aled Jones’ ‘Walking In The Air’ - this (mixed with the fact that he has also played with Jools) means this song is oddly connected with Hugh’s.

http://www.jazzcds.co.uk/artist_id_8/biography_id_8

Money Update

Cost: 8 pence

Current Value : 1 pound and 70 pence. Beyond the blue horizon lies a profit, of sorts.

Current Profit : 145 pounds and 32 pence. Incidentally, to my knowledge Jimi Hendrix never drove a Talbot Horizon - but if he did I am sure he would have described it as… ‘boxy’ :

http://www.simcatalbotclub.org/tcar2.jpg

Supporting Cast Update : Mann, Manfred ; Jones, Aled

This entry was posted on Friday, November 30th, 2007 at 10:01 am and is filed under Admit It, You Quite Like It. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.