I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Bill Medley would like you to categorically state that you are not in love with him.

Well, that’s easily done - as I’m not.

Brilliant! You’re really good at this!

Good at what ?

Ending your relationship with Bill Medley.

But I’m not in a relationship with Bill Medley – never have been. Indeed, I don’t believe I’ve ever even met the man.

That’s probably just as well to be honest, as it turns out Bill is claiming that he couldn’t give two hoots about you either and – as such - he would now quite like you to run along…

Consider it done.

…and take it like a man.

I’m sorry ?

Bill isn’t entirely clear why you had to start running away for him then to chase you before he made the attempt but don’t worry, he promises to be strong and stand as tall as he can throughout the entire man taking process.

But what if I’m not currently of the persuasion to be Bill Meddled with in this manner ?

Drugs.

He makes it quite clear at 2 minutes and 9 seconds when he says that at that aforementioned moment “ When you say it’s the end… I’ll just hand you a line”.

And in my experience at least, that’s usually enough to turn just about anybody.

Somebody Enter This For Eurovision !

Absolutely.

Despite - or very possibly because of - the slightly disturbing air of sexual tension which hangs around this record, it certainly does have Eurovision potential doesn’t it ?

Greedily, it’s even got not just one but two separate choruses - the second of which makes its first appearance around the 2 minute mark - and seems to exist purely for Bill to coyly suggest that a jolly good fisting might well be in order.

I beg your pardon ?

And it is in the midst of this general fistyness where, just like Falco before him, desperate Bill finally breaks down and criiiiiiies - presumably as he comes to terms with what he has just rather selfishly forced upon you.

Unfortunately however, whereas Falco’s cryyyyyyying was pure raw emotion given context by the cyclic nature of both grief and the song itself, Bill’s criiiiiiies instead sound like he has suddenly and unexpectedly metamorphosed into that incredibly constipated and grunting individual who always seems to be in the neighbouring cubicle to you whenever you are forced by circumstances beyond your control to actually use a public convenience.

What a horrible thought.

It gets worse, as at 3 minutes and 27 seconds - mere moments after yet more constipated cryyyyyyying brings everything to its logical naked from the waist down conclusion - the most astounding thing occurs.

I am not going to ruin it for you with details of exactly what this is, but if you can listen to this bit without picturing Bill’s bowels finally exhaustedly giving up with the sound of a few initial heavy thuds against the stainless steel, and then immediately following this up with an ever quickening stream of other stuff behind it… then you are a stronger person than I.

Can You Stop Talking About Bill Medley’s Bowels Please ?

Apart from saying that I most definitely am not in love with Bill, the other thing I can categorically state is that I have never heard this song before.

Ever.

Oddly however I may well be the only one as, worryingly, it actually has its own Wikipedia page dedicated to it.

Good God. Really ?

Yes. Really.

This is, it turns out, because I’m Gonna Be Strong was originally written in 1963 for Frankie Laine by the husband and wife team of Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil. Although it failed to chart for poor old Frankie, when it was re-recorded one year later by Gene Pitney this song was massive. Indeed, in the UK only Gene’s much later duet with Marc Almond has sold more copies for him.

I can’t find Frankie’s version anywhere which is a shame for comparative purposes, so do you want to hear and watch Gene’s - filmed in those marvellous days when disinterested individuals were allowed to hang around in the background of music shows acting as if the music was an unwelcome distraction to their infinitely much more interesting conversations ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGfvSPLqYFs

Fascinatingly, it was also a minor hit a further 16 years later for a group called Blue Angel - which featured a young Cyndi Lauper as their vocalist

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQ7RdtDisKA

and she still performs it live to this day. Here they both are together, for example, in Argentina :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cxXAwKWukU

Oh, and here is the Wikipedia page which, although telling us all of the above with the rather exciting addition of pictures, oddly fails to note Bill’s rather spangly Euro cover version - which just doesn’t seem right :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I’m_Gonna_Be_Strong

Tell Me About Barry and Cynthia !

They also wrote You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ ( a song which, when I was younger, was single handedly responsible for terrifying me into always closing my eyes whenever I kissed anybody – even my gran) Saturday Night At The Movies and… errr… Somewhere Out There for Linda Rondstadt and James Ingram :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFp10zmArgg

Barry and Cynthia were part of a core group of influential songwriters (alongside Leiber/Stoller, Pomis/Shuman, Goffin/King for example) who were famous for creating the “Brill Building Sound”. If you don’t know all about this, as I can’t say I truly did, why not start brushing up on the very interesting history here :

http://www.spectropop.com/hbrill.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brill_Building

Barry and Cynthia are still going and are still married incidentally - even if Cynthia looks like she has recently been welded to Barry’s back during which intense industrial process her face sadly melted :

http://www.mann-weil.com

Tell Me About Bill !

Despite those earlier protestations we have of course met Bill before, with his terrifyingly rumbly Sylvester Stallone inspired version of He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother - and it’s worth popping off there to find out all about him even if only to note that, for personal reasons I am obviously going to have to come to terms with sooner or later, that review was similarly obsessed with all things bottomlike :

http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?p=408

What Was All That About Fisting ?

The Eurovision Fist is a stage device which must be unashamedly conquered if you wish to stand any chance of ever winning Eurovision. Indeed, so persuasive is its power that at my Eurovision parties all acts get a bonus 10 points on their scorecard for the merest suggestion of it occurring.

For a masterclass in its usage why not take a look at Johnny Logan singing Hold Me Now in 1987. Bravely, he first caresses you with a floppy half fist at 1 minute and 17 seconds as a hint of the pummelling that is surely about to come – before then repeatedly almost ramming you to death with the bloody thing from around the 1 minute 50 mark onwards:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lJCpKDRVII

I Am Not The Beatles Warning : Johnny Logan is a highly trained Eurovision Fisting professional.

Please don’t try this at home.

Thank you.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence
Current Value : 1  I can see it pound and 1 slipping away from me pence.
Current Profit : 224 pounds and 17 pence.  Not a particularly strong showing, it must be said.

Supporting Cast Update : Laine, Frankie; Pitney, Gene; Lauper, Cyndi: Blue Angel; Rondstadt, Linda; Ingram, James; Logan, Johnny