I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

“John Moore : musician. Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have via the medium of popular music. Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation from a particularly orange light bulb in the photographers studio alters his body chemistry. And now when John Moore grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs… “

Spoken word intro to The Incredible John (TV Series)

If the hot new date you’ve rather rashly just jumped into bed with decides to unexpectedly announce the onslaught of their impending orgasm by suddenly pausing mid-thrust to put their shades on and sneer ‘Welcome To The Resurrection’ over your shoulder, before then thrashing around wildly inside you not entirely unlike The Lord moving in a very mysterious way - you would perhaps be a tad concerned.

If, in those usually blissful post-coital moments, they then proceed to repeatedly prod you uncomfortably in the buttocks with their guitar, angrily demanding to know ‘Where Do You Think You’re From These Days?’ in a way that suggests they believe the question actually makes any form of sense - you would certainly have the right to end your ‘concern’ and move it up a level to ‘more than just a little uneasy’.

When your terrified muted responses finally enrage them enough so that, like some sort of Nu Rave influenced Incredible Hulk, their skin turns a luminous dayglo orange and they trash your room screaming ‘I’m Out Of My Mind Thinking Only Of You’ whilst vomiting each and every time they reach the end of the phrase - it seems certainly possible you could reach the conclusion that your date selection techniques need a rather radical overhaul.

Oddly however this is precisely the situation which occurs in what can quite literally be described as the climax of this song, as Out Of My Mind is very cleverly designed to mimic the ups and downs of the sex act John Moore so desperately wants to indulge in up your Expressway - at least I am presuming that is what he is referring to when he quietly asks in the second verse if it may possible for him to make love to you in an exotic location.

What’s The Oddest Line ?

In verse one he asks you for some love and affection before adding quite bizarrely that he don’t care where you got it from, as if to suggest that what would really turn him on would be for you to whip out a dildo from under the bed and present it to him with the words “It’s my mother’s…”

I’m Going Out Of My Mind! Tell Me About John!

John’s first success was when he joined Jesus and Mary Chain in 1985 and took over from Bobby Gillespie, soon to be of Primal Scream fame, as the drummer. He stayed with the band for two years, yet oddly only ever played the drums on one actual recorded track - Some Candy Talking. This appears to be because Jesus and Mary Chain preferred to use a drum machine both on recordings and when playing live which, apart from making you perhaps wonder why they actually bothered employing any drummers in the first place, meant that John often got to play rhythm guitar with them instead… despite, rather confusingly, still being referred to as the drummer.

Presumably figuring that if he was going to play the bloody guitar anyway then he may as well at least be in a different band that recognised such things, he thus left in 1987.

Tell Me Moore! Tell Me Moore! Did He Get Very Far ?

Yes he did, eventually.

He released two albums with John Moore and The Expressway over the course of a few years, then a band called Revolution 9 and finally - perhaps most famously - Black Box Recorder with Luke Haines.

Intriguingly he is also apparently well known these days for his rather marvellous talent of playing the saw - and has actually done so on two albums for a band called Art Brut - and also for making shedloads of money when he became the main importer of Absinthe after setting up a company with The Idler magazine to do so.

He seems tremendously nice by the way - and a bit posh these days too, as he currently writes for The Guardian

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/arts/author/john_moore/profile.html

has written a novel called Bad Light and once even appeared on University Challenge - where it seems he was obviously getting a bit wound up by Jeremy Paxman’s ever intimidating presence, as he started to turn a rather alarming shade of orange before the show even began :

http://www.john-moore.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/lineup.jpg

Want to know more about Moore ?

http://www.john-moore.net

If you want to hear yet even more Moore then, in one of those I Am Not The Beatles coincidences we haven’t had for a while, he released an album called Floral Tributes - a collection of unreleased songs from the past 16 years- just four weeks ago :

www.myspace.com/johnmoore23

You can tell he’s obviously lovely as he describes his genre as ‘Melodramatic Popular Song’, which is about right.

Oh, and want to read what he thought about Jesus and Mary Chain performing a gig with Scarlett Johansson last year?

http://tinyurl.com/29hew2

Does Everyone Agree That John Moore Seems Tremendously Nice?

No.

In 2005 he wrote this about Morrissey on his blog :

“…there is something amusing about seeing the once Charming Man, now with a face like a sack of marshmallows, at heart attack age, cavorting on a stage borrowed from the Elvis 68 Comeback Special and probably wearing some kind of girdle or corset”.

Now, this comment didn’t make lots of Unfeasibly Serious Morrissey Fans over at Morrissey Solo particularly happy so they planned to storm his forum with fury - only they never quite got around to it as the conversation very quickly disintegrated into a discussion over exactly what make and model of corset John could possibly be referring to.

Beyond this, the best response was from a person who took it all very very personally…

“I was introduced to John Moore once at a Libertines gig in London- I told him how much I loved JAMC, but the only thing he said in response was that he thought I looked like the token “indie” guy who was on Fame Academy a few years ago (hopefully someone will remember the guy, the really annoying idiot with stupid hair!)- pretty insulting, especially as he said it in a voice completely devoid of irony or humour. He actually meant it and I suspect meant it to annoy me as well! Needless to say I didn’t talk to the miserable fool after… “

So how does this chap, who we must sincerely hope isn’t actually an annoying token indie idiot with stupid hair, now feel about John after this devastating and unprovoked attack on his own personal style and lack thereof ?

“He really is a chump.”

And this blatantly obvious understatement of his true bruised and broken feelings is, in retrospect, probably just as well - after all, if there is one thing we have learnt today…. he doesn’t want to make John angry.

He really wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : One exceedingly optimistic French outlet is asking for 136 pounds for a copy of this record - they must be out of their minds. 2 pounds and 85 pence.

Current Profit : 193 pounds and 72 pence. Want to watch the video? He’s wearing quite nice lipstick if it helps :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFutLDVFRVE

Supporting Cast Update : Haines, Luke; Paxman, Jeremy; Gillespie, Bobby; Jesus and Mary Chain; Art Brut; Johansson, Scarlett

Aurra are currently funkily liking ‘it’ a whole lot more than a little bit and a little bit more than alot - and, in a coincidence that is both lucky and startling, it turns out this is also the totally precise amount of likiness that Aurra actually like to like.

Indeed, when you consider the vagaries of the initial description given for their preferences of ‘it’, and the resulting various disastrous outcomes which could have thus prevailed (it is possible, for example, that they could have ended up only liking ‘it’ a little bit less than a lot or - heaven forbid - a whole lot less than a little bit) this is really something of a coup and is an excellent result you should be very very proud of.

An excellent result I should be proud of ?

Absolutely.

After all, the ‘it’ they are referring to is you… and your incredible sexual prowess.

Really ? I’ve only ever received written complaints about my performance before, so to hear a compliment via the medium of song is certainly a bit of a morale booster.

Then consider yourself well and truly boosted - as both members of Aurra are mightily thrilled with the outcome of your physical indulgences and, in short, consider you to be a bit of a shagmeister.

Errr… both members of Aurra..?

Yes.

Miss Aurra first tells us precisely how your sweet love has certainly kept her satisfied (which, although a sadly staid description of her orgasm, is an orgasm nonetheless and is thus still definitely worth shouting about) as she puts this satisfaction mostly down to the fact that deep inside… she can feel your vibes…

Ah yes, well, that will be my much vaunted vibrating penis trick. It took me years to perfect the exhausting rapid buttock clenching muscle control needed to pull it off successfully, so I’m glad it’s worked out.

Vibrating penis or not - it is, she claims, exactly like she likes it.

Mr Aurra is also very glad that you were magnanimous enough to give him your love too. In a rare moment of extreme frankness, he says he particularly likes those tantalising moments… when you show it.

Well that’s the joy of sexual expectation for you… particularly if it is already vibrating uncontrollably the moment it leaves my pants.

If it does do such a thing at that moment then it seems you have judged your target audience perfectly, as this is just as he likes it too.

In fact, so successful have you been at satisfying both members of Aurra independently, they now intend to join forces and ménage à trois you to a rather sticky end - as they are expressing an insatiable desire to spend all their love on you… til the end of time.

Which, depending upon how they are using the word ’spend’, sounds like it may well be advisable for you to plan ahead and take some pretty frequent showers - as it could be a rather messy experience.

Which is precisely like I like it.

Oooh, Aah - Do you like Aurra just a little bit?

Yes I do.

Just a little bit.

Ooh, Aah - Do you think it might be possible for you to like them just a little bit more ?

No, definitely not.

They are not the ones I’m searching for.

What’s The Best Little Bit ?

The main keyboard riff - but only because the keyboard sound they have chosen to convey it with sounds exactly like the terrified cries of a small bee being waterboarded in the Apoidean equivalent of Guantanamo Bay.

Tell Me A Whole Lot More Than A Little Bit More

I’ll do my best.

This sexually liberated twosome are the impressively named Starleana Young and doesn’t - my - name - sound - like - I - should - have - been - a - stand - up - comedian, Curt Jones. They had both previously been in a much celebrated oh so funky band I have never heard of, called Slave, and they then left to form Aurra in 1979 - but still used various members of Slave to play on the actual songs.

The full story is long, complex, and more than just a tad tedious. So here are the edited highlights :

1/ Steve Washington, the shadowy figure who propelled Aurra to the giddy heights of international total lack of success, eventually fell out with Starleana and Curt because they accused him of stealing their money as they never received any royalty cheques from the record label - despite the fact, of course, that they didn’t really have any hits.

2/ Steve, with no apparent trace of irony, refers to himself as “The Fearless Leader“.

3/ In a band overpopulation explosion that would shame even I’ve Got The Bullets, Aurra once numbered a frankly far too many 18 members.

4/ Aurra were eventually forced to change their name by Steve as he said he owned the copyright for it. They thus changed it to Deja because, with disturbing echoes of President’s Smash Hits debacle, “Starleana was looking through a dictionary and she stumbled upon the term ‘deja vu’, then came up with Déjà.”

5/ Starleana eventually married the lead singer of Kool & The Gang, whilst Curt most definitely didn’t.

Want to read a little bit more than alot more ? It is, I warn you now, an in depth article :

http://hem.bredband.net/funkyflyy/salsoul/aurra.html

Where Aurra they now ?

Curt, allegedly, is a wedding singer :

http://www.myspace.com/curtjonesmusic

And recently released an album called 360 Degrees :

http://www.soulexpress.net/curtjones.htm

Meanwhile Starleana, it is claimed in quite a few places, jointly owns a ‘beauty parlor’ with her sister in law - although if this is true, I can’t find it’s internet page anywhere.

Apart from that, the only other thing I can tell you is that their bass player’s name is Wayne - yet he refers to himself, fascinatingly, as Buddy :

http://www.buddyhankband.com

Can I Buy Some Key Aurra Stuff ?

You certainly can :

http://tinyurl.com/63vy3s

You can also buy Aurra’s double CD called Anthology if you wish - although, disappointingly, it doesn’t contain Like I Like It :

http://tinyurl.com/58n54r

It is considered a controversial release in so far as, for a band who weren’t particularly very famous, some people feel two CD’s may be a tad overdoing it.

The best review from someone who actually claims to like them ?

“I WENT TO THEIR CONCERT IN SAN DIEGO AND LOVED THEM.. BUT I DONT FAKE THE FUNK.. THEY HAVE THE NERVE TO RELEASE A 2 CD GREATEST HITS.. WHAT A JOKE.”

I repeat : He doesn’t fake the funk.

Well, who would ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 Pence

Current Value : 1 pound and 83 pence. This is, I had entirely forgotten, a ‘remixed version’ and… it isn’t worth as much as the original. Incidentally, did you know that the word Kia-Ora is Māori for “be well/healthy” ? I didn’t :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kia_ora

Don’t care ? Just want to watch the advert ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LvLn9PWln8

Something else totally useless I learnt today : the reason why Kia-Ora claims to be too orangey for crows… is because crows are apparently intolerant of citrus fruit. Want to learn more about man’s coexistence with crows in, errr, Japan ? It is more interesting than you would perhaps think…

http://www.airies.or.jp/publication/ger/pdf/07-02-11.pdf

Current Profit : 190 pounds and 95 pence. We’re going up again, Hurrah ! OK, it’s only by an increment best described as a tiny bit more than a little bit and one fuck lot less than alot, but up is up - and up… is like I like it.

Supporting Cast Update : Kool & The Gang; Slave

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

If the apparent intention of the song you are writing is to try and make people both dance and laugh, then it’s probably worth noting it shouldn’t remind the listener of a plague outbreak which killed 260 people in a small Derbyshire village during the 17th century – as this can really rather ruin the jovial atmosphere.

As Boys Don’t Cry have ignored this simple rule, however, we must instead concentrate on the main similarities of the two situations - and these are that firstly neither dying of the plague nor listening to this record are particularly pleasant experiences for anyone involved, and secondly that the Derbyshire village in question and this song have annoyed me intensely with their stupid nonsensical lyrics.

Who The Am Dam Do You Think Eyam

The plague was pretty much entirely confined to cities in the south of England in 1661 so, when it arrived in the small village of Eyam, it found the villagers suddenly twitching around the place like multiple Mick Jaggers grimacing their way through an ill-fated Jacksons comeback tour. ie In a State Of Shock.

It arrived there randomly via an imported piece of cloth riddled with plague ridden fleas – and, when it became obvious the village was now infected, the residents all faced the not exactly pleasant choice of either ambitiously attempting a Slade… or resigning themselves to a Shakespear’s Sister.

Unfortunately trying to Run Run Away from the situation wasn’t really much of an option, as not only would the plague then inevitably spread all over the entire north of England and Scotland thus making the villagers entirely responsible for the deaths of innumerable unnamed others – there were also apparently no firm mechanisms in place which would guarantee any of the participants actually see seeing any chameleons lying there in the sun and this, argued the highly influential vicar of the parish, surely rendered the entire enterprise utterly pointless.

This carefully thought out pop-rock music rationale thus persuaded every single one of the villagers to (ahem) Stay, making the momentous decision to cut themselves off from the outside world until the last one of them most definitely dropped dead.

The plague then did it’s worst, totally ravaging the newly introverted village and decimating desperate families. In one particularly cruel 48 hour period, 6 members of a 7 person household were all killed one by painful one – leaving just the wife and mother to personally dig grave after wretched grave in a field at the opposite end of the village, drag each dead loved one there in turn, and bury body after tear soaked body all on her own.

18 long months later and 260 people lighter – after the plague itself had slowly died its own perfectly natural death – the few remaining villagers emerged blinking into the surrounding countryside having saved the lives of thousands of people they would never meet, none of whom would ever know the details of the heroism that had saved them… or even perhaps that they had ever been saved at all.

You’d Better Pass Me That Paper Bag… Quick

Despite this harrowing tale of the ultimate self sacrifice for the greater good, however, Eyam makes a really shit tourist destination.

After all, everything you actually need to know about Eyam I have just already told you so, as you walk around the village peering in a slightly embarrassed fashion at the very much alive families currently living in houses where people once horribly died - all with dreadfully heavy handed names like Plague Cottages and Someone Also Died Here Villas – the visitor can feel rather like some sort of Plague Porn Voyeur.

Indeed, as you mix with the current residents who eye you suspiciously as they go about their day to day lives, you start wondering if they are half expecting you to pop to the public toilets for a quick plague related wank – and then, worse still, when you do furtively utilise the conveniences later in the day for a perfectly legitimate poo break before the long journey home – find yourself pondering further if this is also the reason why they have put no locks on any of the cubicle doors.

In fact, wandering around the village can make you feel like you are participating in a peculiarly grisly remix of The Court Of King Caractacus - as you go to see the gravestones … of the people… from the houses… from the village… who all perished of the plague… before eventually noting that you have certainly got there too late as they have all most definitely already passed by.

If all this were not enough, you are then asked to visit the Eyam Plague Museum where you are forced to relive the entire – totally worthy and breathtakingly brave – yet by now reallyrathergettingonyourfuckingnerves story….all.. over…again… only this time with the help of some tastefully lit mannequins arranged in various badly recreated scenes of near death.

And it was here, as I attempted to negotiate these exhibits at a speed I hoped passed for reverent, where my thoughts eventually turned to Boys Don’t Cry.

Stick It Up Your Back, Say What ?

Looking out of the window, I noticed the village school just down the road which had the following famous phrase very ornately and very expensively carved into it’s gates :

Ring a-ring o’ roses,
A pocketful of posies.
a-tishoo! a-tishoo!
We all fall down

which certainly seemed like a curiously brave inscription to pay shitloads of money for, as there is absolutely no evidence that this verse has absolutely anything to do with the plague whatsoever.

Indeed, an increasing number of people who know such things now believe that this rhyme is in fact a nonsense poem created in the 1850’s which has simply had meaning grafted onto it by unsuspecting generations.

And you get the feeling that this meaning plastered over nonsense was precisely what Boys Don’t Cry were also trying to recreate with this song, with it’s ever tedious references to spin dryers and thinking you’re bloody every self – although unfortunately for them they mistakenly believed they were coming across sounding like Talking Heads, when the reality was actually Black Lace.

What The Am Dam Does Who The Am Dam Do You Think You Am Think It Am ?

Wacky.

In fact, so incredibly wacky is this record by Boy’s Don’t Cry it even has a b-side called… The Cure.

Which, I am sure you agree, is absolutely totally fucking hilarious.

Who The Am Dam Do The Band Who Sang Who The Am Dam Do You Think You Am Think They Am ?

Underrated.

Everywhere you look you get the distinct impression they feel they should have much bigger than they actually were – and this is despite the fact that they were bigger than pretty much everybody else on here, as their song I Wanna Be A Cowboy charted highly in the US in 1985 and was even quoted by Madonna as being her favourite song of the year. Want to see the video on Brian’s (the keyboard player) website ?

http://www.brianchatton.com/movie.html

Want to watch the follow up ? It’s called Cities On Fire and it will make you giggle… alot :

http://www.brianchatton.com/movie-1.html

Want to know everything else ?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boys_Don’t_Cry_(band)

Iyam Intyrested In Eyam

Then you could do a lot worse than reading all about the - truly fascinating - story here :

http://www.cressbrook.co.uk/towns/eyam.php

And look at those mannequins here :

http://www.cressbrook.co.uk/eyam/museum/

Although I’ll be buggered if I’m going to click on those and relive the entire bloody experience.

Oh, last but definitely not least, if all that stuff about nursery rhymes interested you then a good place to start is listening to this :

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4933345

And then reading this :

http://www.rhymes.org.uk/

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current value : It is one of those moments when you know it’s worth something – but no one is selling anything… which leads to the ever disappointing… minus 8 pence. Oh well, want to hear The Court Of King Caractacus ? If you haven’t heard it for ages, or even at all, then I warn you now it is insanely stupidly brilliant :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-Lw1bDdwgs

Current Profit : 189 pounds and 20 pence. That 200 pounds is suddenly looking really rather far away…

Supporting Cast Update : Jacksons, The ; Slade ; Shakespear’s Sister ; Harris, Rolf ; Talking Heads ; Black Lace ; Madonna

Incidentally, I am a little bit behind on all that supporting cast silliness, but if you’ve never read it then it’s still worth a look – just click on the link immediately above. If nothing else, you get to see what Hazell Dean is up to these days which can only be A Good Thing.