I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

True love is so hard to find is a statement which is impossible to disagree with. However, no matter how hard to find love may actually be, it seems it will never be as hard to find as

a) a record sleeve for Hard To Find - because I can’t find the bloody thing anywhere - or

b) a middle 8 for Hard To Find - because Johnny can’t find one of those either.

Indeed, if you were asked in a court of law to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that love is indeed so hard to find, and the only two pieces of evidence you were allowed to submit were the two pieces as provided by Southside Johnny in his song of the same name, it is very likely you would be laughed out of court - as it isn’t exactly, shall we say, watertight.

Johnny’s Evidence (Pt I)

The song starts with a frankly bizarre reimagining of the Christmas story, making the rather blasphemous and sweeping pronouncement that Jesus Christ’s mother wasn’t actually a virgin at all - and Jesus’ birth was in fact just the result of a slightly crap shag on a beach.

Whether Johnny’s suggestion of a lack of virginhood on Mary’s part is misguided or not however, one thing is certain : he is recounting a story of someone giving birth to Jesus Christ, who was theoretically A Physical Manifestation of God’s Love Itself, and it must therefore follow that Mary actually found love very easy to find - as it quite literally fell out of her vagina.

Still, it is at least a relief to note that not all crap shags result in bona fide Sons Of God being born nine months later - as if this were the case there’d be bloody loads of Jesus’ running around healing people and getting crucified all the place… with most of them, unfortunately, related to me.

Johnny’s Evidence (Pt II)

Johnny next decides to describe the act of somebody getting shot in the head and their subsequent agonising death whilst they bleed all over their wife in the back of a car from freshly made holes in their forehead, rather unsympathetically, as running into some bad Texas weather.

Now, if bad Texas weather really is a fair description of John F Kennedy having his head blown off next to his wife, we must surely ponder what would constitute really bad Texas weather for poor old JFK - having his legs forcibly sawn off first ?

We mustn’t dwell on this however, as the real point is that John and Jackie Kennedy famously met… and then married within a year or so - thus both finding love ludicrously simple to find. Indeed, even after her President husband was rather unfortunately murdered on the car seat next to her, Jackie still got married again a few years later to a multi-millionaire shipping magnate - and this does perhaps suggest that she managed to find some sort of love again reasonably quickly.

In Summation

In other words then, Johnny’s so-called ‘evidence’ is anything but - as all it proves is the opposite of what he set out to achieve ie Love can flourish pretty much anywhere.

Although this is a lovely thought, Southside Johnny sadly appears oblivious to it and goes on to claim that if you do insist carrying on searching and doing a bit of a Hazell Dean, it is possible for the search to actually break your back and make you lose your mind.

If this is the case then I can only conclude that Johnny has been looking for love a little harder than I have - as the worst thing my personal endless search for love has ever given me is a slight hangover and a vague air of regret.

What’s The Best Bit ?

It’s quite hard to find, but if you make it to 2 minutes and 24 seconds there is an absolutely brilliant harmonica solo which sounds almost precisely like Dusk-era The The.

It only lasts 14 seconds though, so make the most of it.

Where Is Johnny Now ? Is He Hard To Find ?

No, just like a pissed snog in a nightclub he is actually very easy to find and what’s more, thanks to Google, I neither had to break my back nor lose my mind in order to find him - which was certainly a bonus :

http://www.southsidejohnny.com/

He apparently hails from New Jersey, just like Bruce Springsteen does.

He is also known for recording Stax influenced R&B with a chap called Steven Van Zandt, just like Bruce Springsteen is.

Unfortunately however, he came straight outta New Jersey mere milliseconds after Bruce did, is generally - unfairly or not - seen as all a bit secondhand, and is therefore not a millionaire world wide superstar… whilst Bruce Springsteen most absolutely definitely is :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southside_Johnny

His signature song is apparently called I Don’t Want To Go Home. Do you want to see him perform it with… errr… Bruce Springsteen ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXB_0wvLUm8

Incidentally, if you live on the east coast of America or - for reasons I don’t entirely understand - in Norway then he is currently on tour somewhere near you very soon :

http://www.southsidejohnny.com/tourdates/index.htm

Meanwhile, if you live in the UK you can go and see him in… errr… Frome :

http://tinyurl.com/2tjtfy

Yes, in October he is playing at a venue called The Cheese and Grain which - apart from the having the slight disadvantage of actually being in Frome - also has The Worst Website In The World :

http://www.cheeseandgrain.co.uk/

Does Johnny Really Describe Jesus’ Dad’s Orgasm As a Light That Comes Shining From The East ?

Yes he does - and that without a doubt is the silliest sexual metaphor we have, ahem, come across since Sonya Grier expressed a preference for leaving the runway.

Still, if Johnny performs this song at The Cheese and Grain and gesticulates to the east whilst he sings that line, it is interesting to note he will be pointing almost directly towards a place just outside of Frome called Chapmanslade which - if he was a plasterer - would be an extremely good place to move to :

http://bristol.gumtree.com/services/plasterers_Chapmanslade

How Bad Does The Weather Actually Get In Texas ?

Pretty bad.

They get storms so severe, they actually have an entire association to celebrate them :

http://www.tessa.org/

I’d still rather try to survive one of those than get shot in the head though.

Anything Really Scary To Finish With ?

Yes.

This record is obviously connected to Nils Lofgren - as they both have Bruce Springsteen connections.

What freaked me out however is that this song mentions not just the The Kennedys but also refers to Jesus Christ - just like Win did a mere eight days ago.

Weird… or what ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence. Can’t understand a word of this song so have no idea what I’m going on about? You wouldn’t be the first, so read them here.

Current Value : It’s not really Johnny’s fault because if I hadn’t lost the sleeve through negligence, which incidentally looks like this , it would be worth in the region of six quid… and that would have been very exciting indeed. As Johnny will undoubtedly discover when he has a quick walk around Frome, however, it is a harsh world… and without that sleeve - yes, you’ve guessed it - minus eight pence.

Current Profit : 178 pounds and 49 pence. Stranded in the 170’s. I am not impressed. At all.

Supporting Cast Update : Christ, Jesus (again) ; Springsteen, Bruce (again) ; God (again) ; Mary ; Kennedy, John F ; Kennedy, Jackie ; Van Zandt, Steven ; Dean, Hazell

 

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Little Richard stares defensively at the camera.

He has the haunted look of a man who knows his condition is

a) Socially divisive
b) Incurable, and
c) Really fucking annoying.

Yes, Little Richard… has the hiccups.

Unlike you and I however, who only ever get hiccups in the middle of that all important first date and are therefore forced - in front of our irresistibly sexy theoretical life partners - to drink a glass of water backwards at the restaurant table, only to find that not only does this technique not actually work but that you also appear to have inadvertently spilt half of the water onto yourself and are now the proud owner of a slightly soggy groin, Little Richard’s hiccups have been constant for the entirety of his adult life.

Indeed, so bad are they that mere seconds after this photograph was taken he experienced a particularly severe attack… and one of his eyebrows fell off.

To highlight the agony he and his fellow sufferers experience every single day, Little Richard has bravely decided to come out of the hiccupboard and share his pain with this incredibly thought provoking song.

This autobiographical piece describes how constant hiccups can make you so incredibly light headed that your brain can become confused - and even make you believe you have a direct hotline to God on the phone.

“Hop hic rate hic, Hoperator just put him on the line…” Richard screams irately at the hapless telephone worker.

Unfortunately however he didn’t listen properly to the recorded messages before being put through - and if he had done he might have tried to calm down first, as they warned this kind of abusive behaviour simply isn’t tolerated.

So poor old Richard screams and screams and hiccups and screams only for the operator to warn him three very precise and innately smug times about his conduct and eventually hangs up… to leave him screaming to his increasingly distressed self, alone and in sheer terror.

It’s tremendously sad.

Where’s His Best Hiccup ?

2 minutes in Richard asks you to get down on your knees and his reaction is such that it seems you did a lot more whilst you were down there than he was perhaps expecting.

Are There Any Particularly Outlandish Claims Little Richard Makes On God’s Behalf?

Yes.

Little Richard claims that God is always on time.

Now, this may well true if you are a multi-millionaire Rock ‘n’ Roll performer and the most you ever ask of God is to ensure your next laughably large PRS cheque arrives in time for you to purchase that villa in Seville you’ve recently been hankering after. If whilst reading this, however, you are also currently being murdered you may well question his reasoning.

Indeed during the darker moments of the prolonged, senseless and unprovoked attack upon you, you would even be forgiven for wondering vaguely why God doesn’t perhaps get a bit of a move on and help you out a bit.

Why Doesn’t God Get A Bit Of A Move On And Help Me Out A Bit?

It’s complicated.

Christiananswers.net helpfully explains that during such you’re being murdered scenarios it may at times be difficult to see God’s love – which seems to be an understatement at best. However, at that given moment they advise you that you should probably have a really good think about Job. If nothing else, I guess it may take your mind off the nagging suspicion that it seems very certain you are about to die.

You see, Job also went through difficult times. He lost his whole family, virtually everything he owned, and went through sickness. In fact he felt, they bravely postulate, a bit like you do now.

During these last moments of earthly reflection as the rusty but accurate knife plunges towards your terrified heart, you may also wish to ponder that during his difficult times Job noted the following :

“If I go to the east, God is not there; if I go to the west, I do not see Him. When He is at work in the north, I catch no sight of Him; when He turns to the south, I cannot see Him.”

Despite this complete absence of general Godness though, Job knew God was essentially there, even if it seems he had momentarily popped out for a quick fag (although this does at least explain where Jesus picked up his filthy habit from). So - as Psalm 27:14 puts it :

Wait for the Lord’s help. Be strong and brave, and wait for the Lord’s help.

In other words then, in a funny way God is helping by actively not helping as you scream for fucking mercy, because if He showed His face that would just ruin the entire point of having faith wouldn’t it ? What’s more, God absolutely promises he will be back from his fag break in time for the actual moment that you do die – albeit smelling slightly suspiciously of Extra Strong Mints.

This is useful stuff as, let’s face it, if you are currently being murdered then God will need to be along to help you… pretty darn soon.

Mind you, as Graham Parker and Letitia Dean showed us none of this Godstuff is really as straightforward as it initially seems so – given the random and frankly stupid nature of reality – it is equally possible that the real reason why God isn’t currently helping you out is because Little Richard has tracked Him down, kidnapped Him, tied Him to a chair and is currently forcing Him to create PRS cheques at will.

‘C’monnn. Those PRS cheques won’t write themselves’, he is undoubtedly screaming at our humiliated Lord… whilst punctuating the sentence with evil evil hiccups.

Hmmm. I Am Not Convinced About God At All. Why, For Example, Doesn’t God Heal Amputees ?

Well that is a very different question…

http://whywontgodhealamputees.com

Is Richard Little Richard’s Real Name ?

Yes it is – although he is also a Reverend these days : The Reverend Richard Wayne Penniman.

Is He Very Little ?

He is 5’ 10” – which is, apparently, quite average and not very little at all.

Where Is The Average Reverend Richard Now ?

Well, he doesn’t seem to have his own website as such – but lots of other people do on his behalf. If you’re interested, why not try :

http://www.littlerichard.com

Interestingly, if you want to book him for a barbecue at some point this year, it will cost you somewhere in the region of $50,000 :

http://www.delafont.com/music_acts/Little-Richard.htm

Be warned though, Reverend Richard has done a bit of a Cat Stevens and stated that he believes the music he played in the past is actually demonic, so if you do hire him don’t expect him to play any songs you may actually like. These days he just plays what he calls message music – of which Operator is presumably an example :

“My true belief about Rock ‘n’ Roll–and there have been a lot of phrases attributed to me over the years–is this: I believe this kind of music is demonic. … A lot of the beats in music today are taken from voodoo, from the voodoo drums. If you study music in rhythms, like I have, you’ll see that is true. I believe that kind of music is driving people from Christ. It is contagious”

http://www.adherents.com/people/pr/Little_Richard.html

Oh well, want to see him performing Lucille in his more Rock ‘n’ Rolling days?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mcxej1zJKTo

Also here is Tutti Frutti – which was described really rather marvellously by a commentator at the time as “A TORRENT OF FILTH WAILED BY A BISEXUAL ALIEN,” – oh, keep your eye on the male dancer, he’s fabulous :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlkMc0ZaJmY&feature=related

Finally, why not take a look at Reverend Richard’s frankly rather busy myspace page :

http://tinyurl.com/2g9zd7

Has Anyone Hiccupped For Longer Than The Afflicted Reverend Richard ?

Good God yes : Charles Osborne had hiccups for 68 really rather long and painful years. They started when he breathed in a bit funny whilst he was slaughtering a pig in 1922 and only stopped… when he died.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Osborne

He should have read this, the silly bugger :

http://www.cognitial.com/hiccups.asp

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value :1 pound and 13 pence. This is precisely 0.00226% of what Reverend Richard would charge me to attend my barbeque.

Current Profit : 178 pounds and 57 pence. Bloody hell, haven’t we left the 170’s yet ? We’ve been here ages. To help pass the time whilst we wait for the 180’s, why not read a short article about racism in early Rock ‘n’ Roll - then pop off to buy this CD which lets you hear the musically sanitised re-recorded version for ‘mainstream’ (ie white) audiences and the original track side by side.

Supporting Cast Update : Stevens, Cat ; Job; God

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Oooh, good for you. What’s the lucky boy’s name ?

Win.

How unusual, is that short for anything ?

Winston. Or as I like to call him…my little Winnie.

Got a picture ?

Of course, take a look.

Bloody hell… I know you like your lithe young men to be in posession of somethingtohangonable good heads of hair, but I never thought you’d go for the whole pencil moustache and robes look to accompany it.

Gosh, does he always look like that ?

Like what ?

Like a dopey dog resting his chin on your knee determinedly begging for a biscuit.

You bet. I love the dopey dog look.

Takes all sorts, I suppose. Known him long ?

Somewhere around 3 minutes and 46 seconds, but it appears his love for me is as monstrous as mine is for him - because he also has a petname for me.

Wow. This is all happening rather fast… what is it ?

He calls me his dusty heartfelt.

Why ?

I have absolutely no idea - but it certainly beats the nickname my previous boyfriend had for me.

What was that ?

Suckslut.

Well, if your previous boyfriend’s attempt at affection is an accurate reflection of your personal predilections, then you may well be about to make Winston a very happy man indeed… where are you both off for your first date ?

Date ? I have no time for dates, so we’ve… errr… slept together already.

You slept with Winston after knowing him for 3 minutes and 46 seconds?

Actually, my pants were off in under 30 seconds and I was reaffirming my boyfriend’s old nickname for me in just under a minute. I will admit to feeling slightly strange about it all in retrospect, but Winston was tremendously charming. He sweet talked me initially by telling me he loved me more than The States loved the Kennedy’s - and I love Neighbours… so the pants came down.

I don’t think you’ll find he was referring to the ever lovable Dr Karl Kennedy but, even if he was, I am afraid Neighbours isn’t really that big a show in the US - so as compliments go… it’s not exactly the best.

Really ? Hmmm, well now you come to mention it, Winston did say something else a bit odd.

Yes ?

He asked me to send him the pillow I sleep on.

Why didn’t he just take it with him ?

That’s what I thought… I mean I was definitely having more than just my dusty heart felt by Winston at the time of his request - and my first thought was precisely the same as yours : “When you’re done, just leave the house with the sodding thing if you’re that bloody enamoured with it.”

I didn’t say that about the pillow at the time though.

Why not ?

I was too busy biting it.

I hate to say this but I would guess that the reason your little Winnie is asking you to send your pillow to him, is because he is never actually going to come back and collect it in person.

Indeed, I strongly suspect that he uses these pillows as some strange sort of one night stand bednotching system - and I’d bet very good money that he’s got hundreds of the buggers hidden in his cellar… the dirty bastard.

Are you trying to tell me he isn’t going to come back and film us both having sex with a film crew entirely populated by tigers ?

It certainly seems unlikely…

And I’ll never be able to sing for him ?

Sing for him ? Why would you want to do that ?

Well, he said he would send me a firearm if I did.

I fear Winston is getting his Hedda Gabler’s mixed up with his Head And Gobbler’s.

Change the locks.

Now.

Is This Song A Winner ?

Yes it is.

It comes from Winston’s second album called Freaky Trigger and is actually an ode to one of his favourite singers… Dusty Springfield.

The first verse claims that JFK and his family were all rather fond of Dusty and although I can find no definitive proof of this, in a coincidence that I am sure both Dusty Springfield and JFK’s son would have found totally fascinating - if only the coinicidence I am about to relate didn’t rather unfortunately involve them both dying in order to make the coincidence happen in the first place - they both died in the same year : 1999.

Now, upsetting though death most definitely was for poor old JFK Junior I bet Dusty was doubly gutted, as she died just 10 days before she was due to be inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall Of Fame :

http://www.infoplease.com/spot/99deaths1.html

Stuart Maconie gave Freaky Trigger 10/10 in the NME, with the praise that ‘These are the 10 best songs Salvador Dali never wrote’…

http://tinyurl.com/348oog

and claims this song really does sound rather similar to T Rex’s Telegram Sam. He’s right, of course - it is certainly directing a rather large knowing wink in it’s general bottom wiggling direction, but it also certainly isn’t the ‘note for note’ copy that he claims :

By the way, I was convinced that Winston chose to sing a song about Dusty Springfield against a T-Rexy backdrop because they were in some way obviously yet cleverly inter-related - but the only connection I can find (apart from the obvious teasing sexuality of both when they were alive) is that Marc Bolan used to be managed by Simon Napier Bell… who also wrote the words for You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me :

http://tinyurl.com/yvrve7

What Was All That Stuff About Pillows ?

Send Me The Pillow You Dream On is the name of a perfectly pleasant country song written by Hank Locklin in 1958 :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69dN6aI6BuI

This song title was appropriated many years later by Morrissey in The Smiths song Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others…

http://www.passionsjustlikemine.com/words/smiths-w-sgabto.htm

and then along came Winston another few years later who swapped the word ‘dream’ for ’sleep’… and called it his own.

Want to know where else Morrissey has nicked some of his words from ?

http://www.oz.net/~moz//nicked.htm

I Am Not Interested In Bloody Morrissey, Tell Me More About That Dastardly Winston.

Well, rather shockingly, it seems the name of the chap on the front cover isn’t actually Winston at all - as Win were in fact a band… and that fluffy mess of dewey eyed unbrushed hair is actually called Davey Henderson.

Where Is Fluffy Davey Now ?

He is a broadcaster for the Seattle Mariners and will always be missed for his slight resemblance to David Allen Grier who also, presumably, looks a bit like a begging dog :

http://sayhey.wordpress.com/2007/08/28/nostalgia-whatever-happened-to-dave-henderson/

Except, of course, that isn’t really our Davey at all… well, unless he’s put on a bit of weight and done a Jichael Mackson ie a Michael Jackson in reverse.

Nope… our Davey seems very lovely and is both Scottish and pretty darn cultish. He was initially in a band called The Fire Engines in the early 80’s, who are very fondly recalled by many :

http://www.myspace.com/fireengines

and then went on to form Win soon after their dissolution :

http://www.myspace.com/freakytrigger

If your interest is piqued by this really rather lovely record, and frankly I wouldn’t blame you if it were, then there is an almost scarily detailed - and also very blue - page all about Win… here :

http://home2.btconnect.com/iconic-trash/index.html

Since then, Davey - along with Simon Smeeton the Win bassist - have both been in a band called Nectarine No.9 and also reformed The Fire Engines reasonably recently at the behest of Franz Ferdinand :

http://news.scotsman.com/indiemusic/Hottest-old-act-in-town.2587179.jp

Unless you know differently, however, the rest of the band, Ian Stoddart (Bass), Russell Burn (Drums/Keyboards), Emmanuel Shoniwa (Guitar/Bass), and William Perry (keyboards) - like La Bouche before them - all appear to have left the planet.

Incidentally, Davey’s got a bit of critical double whammy thing going on… as Win’s first album, Uh! Tears Baby, was voted the 51st best Scottish album of all time, whilst The Fire Engine’s frankly superbly named Lubricate Your Living Room was voted in at 65 :

http://news.scotsman.com/100bestscottishalbums/100-best-Scottish-albums-.2470409.jp

Please beware : The above link also contains the word ‘Runrig’.

What’s Davey Doing ‘Til Sunday, Baby ?

I have no idea, but if you think he’s going to pop back and spill some more of his Love Units all over your face you’re going to be sadly disappointed - as Davey is now married … with a child :

http://kevinwilliamson.blogspot.com/2007/12/dec-23rd-remembering-joe-strummer-five.html

So get over it.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 1 pound and 98 pence. No wonder Davey was so keen for you to send him your pillow on his behalf… it’s not like he could afford to cover the postage himself.

Current Profit : 177 pounds and 52 pence.

The best Dusty Springfield story I came across : In 1979 she played a concert at the Royal Albert Hall. To kick the concert off she was greeted on stage by some hand selected friends of hers. She then announced - referring to both herself and her friends - ‘I am glad to see that the royalty here tonight is not only confined to The Royal Box’… only for Princess Margaret not to understand the reference, ask who else was actually there from the royal family as it was the first she’d heard of it, get it all explained to her, sit in a huff for the entire concert, ignore Dusty at the after show party, then later send her a letter containing a pretyped apology for insulting the Queen… for Dusty to sign and return :

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1589/is_1999_April_27/ai_54492600

Supporting Cast Update : Franz Ferdinand ; Locklin, Hank ; Smiths, The; Morrissey ; Runrig ; T Rex; Maconie, Stuart; Kennedy, Karl ; Grier, David Allen; Dali, Salvador ; Kennedy, John F; Springfield, Dusty; Christ, Jesus ; Gabler, Hedda

Hey… It’s Easter. Have Fun! That man in the picture Winston is holding is about to… oh… that’ll be his last cigarette then.

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

You would never guess it from her confident smile and brave choice of black jacket, but Suze De Marchi has a very severe dandruff problem. If you take a close look at the front cover you will see the telltale sign as, when Head and Shoulders just isn’t enough, your GP will often advise you to wear what are known in Pityriasistic circles as Dandruff Dusters.

These simple yet effective gadgets attach to your ears and operate with a subtle shake of the human head. This slight movement first dislodges the dandruff from the scalp, allows it to fall delicately onto the shoulders… then almost imperceptibly the Dandruff Dusters brush it neatly onto the floor - all in one swift and simple movement.

Suze is going to be doing alot of this subtle head shaking over the next few days, as dandruff can be annoying at the best of times - but it is doubly irritating when you’ve got a Big Wednesday coming up.

Ooooh. What’s happening on Wednesday ?

You’re going to die.

I’m going to die and all Suze De Marchi’s worried about is her dandruff ?

Well, she wants to look her best for the occasion doesn’t she ?

Selfish bloody cow.

Look, before you start getting overexcited about it all, you should probably be aware that it’s not just you who is going to die - it’s everyone, Suze included. We are all going to die. On Wednesday.

Well if that’s true, that really is a rather Big Wednesday.

Exactly.

You see, according to death predictor Suze, Wednesday may well turn up as usual, but that ever meddling Doomsday is going to get in the way and ruin it all for everybody. So taking all things into full consideration, you should probably expect to be dead by somewhere around Wednesday teatime.

Bugger. Is there anything I can do to stop this ?

Suze does suggest you may want to try and create a little love with her. Be careful though, you had better get the fuck out of her face once the special coital event is over… she does need some room to breathe after all, you great big bloody obsessive.

Right. So will having casual sex with Suze De Marchi actually help ?

Errr… no, unfortunately not. It’s a shame but everything that could have been done has already been done, so this is ultimately just a way of getting nicely fucked before you are both completely and utterly fucked on Wednesday - I think she just thought it might help pass the time.

She is a sexually confident woman is Suze so you’ll probably enjoy it, as she even quite helpfully informs you of precisely how she would like the sex to be : telling you to just, well… hold it there.

That’s not really how sex works in my experience…

I would do it her way and not argue if I were you - as in the second verse she also explains that in her life each time she ever puts a foot out of line it always gets broken in two… so I suspect she would be expecting a reasonably similar punishment for you if you do the same.

Hang on a moment, can I get this straight ? Suze De Marchi is demanding I sleep with her and then leave immediately afterwards or she will, rather unreasonably in my opinion, break one of my feet… and either way I’ll be dead by Wednesday ?

Yes. That’s about the size of it.

Bloody hell. Doesn’t she know who I am ?

She certainly does and she’s not impressed… but even if she was there is no diplomatic immunity when it comes to Doomsday I am afraid.

Well I would rather die without any painful broken limbs just adding to the final existential agony if remotely possible, so I suppose I had better get on with it. Also, I guess that if all she is expecting from the sexual act is for me to just hold it there, I will probably still actually be there on Wednesday anyway - and there must be worse places to be hanging around in whilst facing your imminent and ever impending death than Suze De Marchi’s vagina.

Good decision.

Watch out for those Dandruff Dusters though, the last thing you want is to die before Wednesday - slowly suffocated by the endless amounts of skin being flung towards your nostrils as she shakes her head at you, faking orgasms.

Thanks for the advice. I’ll bring a snorkel.

This Song If It Were An REM Song Title ?

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, Let’s Have Sex

This Song In One Made Up Word ?

Deathshag.

Was Big Wednesday … errr… Big ?

No, not remotely apparently - anywhere.

Suze is Australian and, just like Nick Cave before her, decided that the London music scene was a much more happening affair… so moved there. Nick Cave went on to release songs like Release The Bats - a darkly comic song about releasing a substance that definitely does not contain bats, and soon became very famous indeed.

Suze whilst in London on the other hand released three singles - including this highly polished one about sex and death - and then… buggered off back to Australia again.

http://members.aol.com/babyarocks/SuzeDiscsR.html

In all fairness, her song isn’t really helped by the ever shiny production plastered onto it by the equally shiny and lovely Simon Climie - as he does seem to make the entire process of shagging seem far too… well… shiny and not remotely squealchy enough. Despite this lack of squealch factor however, someone was tempted to just hold it there with Suze - as it seems that at the exact moment Suze recorded this song, she was actually dating… Gavin Rossdale.

This Song Is Produced By Simon Climie ! Does That Mean It Is Connected To Any Other Records Here ?

No, not really.

If I was desperate, however, I would point out that one member of the very brilliant Bang looks a bit like Simon Climie, and would ask you to pop off there and give their totally superb record another listen.

It’s a tenuous link though to say the least.

Can You Tell Me Something Extremely Interesting About Suze ?

I can.

Rather like David Icke, Suze’s constant predictions of Doomsday haven’t - as yet - ever manifested themselves. But this is just as well as far as she is concerned, as after she moved back to Australia she formed a hugely successful band called Baby Animals and is now officially totally loaded.

Baby Animals were massive in their native land. Their debut album went 8 times platinum there, Nuno Bettencourt of - ahem - Extreme wrote a few songs with them for their second album (before he and Suze eventually married), and all members of Baby Animals also went on to play on Nuno’s first solo album called Schizophonic. Also, Suze was the first ever female Australian musician to be put on the cover of Australian Rolling Stone magazine and was one of the inaugural inductees in the West Australian Music Industry Awards Hall Of Fame.

All in all she is, basically, held in Very High Regard Indeed.

Baby Animals eventually split up in 1996 but, guess what? Yes, like the many millions before them …. they’ve only gone and bloody well reformed :

http://www.thebabyanimals.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suze_DeMarchi

Want to read a rather overexcitable interview with Suze which includes lots of unnecessary CAPITAL LETTERS ?

http://www.rockwired.com/rockwired_interviews_the_baby_animals.html

That’s All Very Interesting And Everything, But Can I Look At Some Real Baby Animals Now Please ?

You certainly can :

http://www.babyanimalz.com/

And yes, I know this record isn’t remotely Connected To Swing Out Sister, but may I recommend the hedgehog ?

http://www.babyanimalz.com/images3/baby_igel.jpg

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : If I owned a piece of music from yet another film I’ve never seen called Big Wednesday written by the superbly named Basil Poledouris, I’d apparently be up nearly 20 quid. As it is though Wednesday itself may be big, but the price most definitely isn’t : 2 pounds and 2 little pennies.

Current Profit : 175 pounds and 61 pence.

Incidentally, if there are any major fans of poor old dandruff afflicted Suze reading this then, yes, I am totally aware that she now spells her surname with no space - DeMarchi. But, if you look at the back cover of this record, she didn’t then… OK ? This may seem a trifle defensive of me, but the last time I reviewed a record by an Australian I got called a fuckwit, and I am a sensitive soul so I don’t really want it to happen again.

Supporting Cast Update : REM ; Cave, Nick ; Bettencourt, Nuno ; Icke, David ; Climie, Simon ; Rossdale, Gavin

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Bill Medley’s voice is very low.

Bill’s Medley’s voice is very very low.

In fact, Bill Medley’s distant thunderoll of a voice is so disturbingly unnaturally low that if - like me - you prefer to play your music with a bit too much bass on your stereo, you will very quickly discover this voice can have the rather unnerving physiological side effect of quite literally rumbling the shit out of you.

If this has just happened to you then I would heartily recommend doing what I just did. ie Pop upstairs for a quick shower and a very sensible change of underpants, before returning with a rather nice glass of Harvey’s Bristol Cream in your hand to steady your nerves - along with the bottle’s cork strategically placed up your freshly vaselined bottom to prevent any further accidents. You’re going to need that cork believe me, because what happens next is bizarre…

Right, first we have to do an initial nervous re-wading through those opening buttock shaking lines again whilst Bill drones on about the fact that, yes, roads can indeed be quite long and - what’s more - some of them even have bends in… but if you make it safely past these slightly bland highway related pronouncements, Bill finally tells you his two incredible secrets… which are :

a) On the rare occasions he has both the desire and the access, he quite likes to carry Sylvester Stallone around his back garden by piggyback - and importantly, doesn’t really find it too much of a strain. This is, Bill modestly suggests, nothing to do with his own personal fitness levels but because of the fact that Sylvester is actually alot lighter than those glistening rippling muscles undoubtedly make you presuppose.

b) The reason why Bill is allowed in Sylvester’s back garden in the first place to carry out such a Stallone Carrying Mission is because this aforementioned star of Rambo III is in fact… a close blood relative of his.

What A Winding Turn !

Indeed.

But I suppose if point b) is factually correct it does at least make sense, as all the relevant Stallone Styled nepotism would explain how He Ain’t Heavy ever managed to make it onto the soundtrack of a Hollywood film in the first place, because - let’s face it - without it this huffing, puffing thigh strain of a song would still be lying in agony on the floor of the recording studio begging to be smothered to death with Deep Heat.

As it is though, so much does Bill strain his way through the torturous 4 and half minutes rather overgenerously allocated to him by Giorgio Moroder, it sounds like his vocal was in all probability recorded whilst that Sylvester Stallone piggyback was actually in progress. This is, we must assume, some strange sort of Post Modern High Art Method Singing Experiment which Bill, frankly, fails.

Song Any Good ?

It is unfortunately far too long and doesn’t really have enough of those musical winding turns. As a consequence, it’s welfare shouldn’t really be of your concern.

In fact, it is such hard work that when Bill sings “So on we go…” mere moments in it is certainly possible your initial reaction may well be a rather jaded ‘Must we?’ , and when he reaches ‘We’ll get there..’ it is more than likely that you won’t be too prone to entirely believing this to be the case.

But, get there you eventually do and - if you have the stomach for it - in the outro your reward is Bill repeatedly screaming “He ain’t heavy” and “He’s my brother…” as if he is rather belatedly trying to convince the jury of these so-called ‘facts’ whilst simultaneously being hauled off to the cells having just been convicted for lying about something so unbelievably stupid.

So How Heavy Is Sylvester Stallone ?

He is a very well oiled 228lbs… which converts to just under 16 and 1/2 stone - which is not heavy as such, but also not particularly light.

Still, this does mean that if there is one thing I have learnt today, it is that I probably weigh the same as one of Sylvester Stallone’s legs.

Is Bill Medley Really His Brother ?

No he’s not, the big fibber… but you can see why Bill thought he could probably get away with the deception as Sylvester’s Brother, Frank, is also - allegedly - a musician.

Additionally, although no nepotism was involved in getting Bill’s song into the soundtrack of Rambo III, the same cannot be said of the previous film in the Rambo series very logically called… Rambo II.

Why ?

Because that soundtrack contains a song somewhat punningly entitled Peace Of Our Life, performed and written by….. Frank Stallone.

It turns out that Our Frank has sung many songs on many soundtracks. These include films such as Rocky, starring Sylvester Stallone, and also Paradise Alley, starring Sylvester Stallone. Interestingly, he also actually got an acting role in a film released in 2006 called Rocky Balboa which starred somebody called… errr… Sylvester Stallone.

Apart from that, Frank released an album a couple of years ago called Stallone On Stallone - By Request, which was a collection of his theoretical greatest hits all culled from the soundtracks to his brother’s biggest films.

Do pop off and say hello… be prepared to be shocked though - he looks exactly like Sylvester Stallone would look if you left his face on a radiator for too long :

http://www.frankstallone.com

By the way, all this soundtrack madness means that Bill Medley’s record is also strangely connected to Jean Beauvoir’s - as both him and Jean also appear on the soundtrack to yet another film, called Cobra, starring… you’ve guessed it … Sylvester Stallone.

And who else managed to get a song onto that soundtrack ?

Yep : Frank.

Shut Up About Frank, Tell Me More About Bill…

Bill Medley was, of course, one half of The Righteous Brothers who recorded one of those songs that it sometimes feels is impossible to discover whether or not it’s any good anymore, because you get sick to death of hearing it so bloody much - You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’.

If you have recently lost that lovin’ feelin’ for You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ just like I had, then this should help you :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVrDQQIiweE

Infinitely better than you remember it, isn’t it ?

Sadly, however, Bobby Hatfield - ie the other chap whose vocals were far too loud in the mix at that previous link - has since lost not just his lovin’ feelin’ but absolutely all feelin’, as he died in 2003 :

http://www.spectropop.com/remembers/BHobit.htm

Has Bill Ever Sung A Medley ?

I can find no definitive proof that he has but it certainly seems very likely, as he currently spends most of his time performing at Dick Clark’s American Bandstand Theatre in Branson, Missouri - and it definitely looks like the kind of place where a Medley medley would go down a storm :

http://www.dickclarksabbranson.com/BillMedley.cfm

To show that he won’t be outdone by Sylvester Stallone when it comes to showbiz nepotism, Bill’s daughter Mckenna Medley also has a regular spot there - as well as in Las Vegas :

http://www.lvol.com/bios/e164.html

Want to see Mckenna perform at Dick’s ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYzCuXi0xhE

Sorry, Did You Say This Was Produced By Giorgio Bloody Moroder ?

I did, but it’s no Together In Electric Dreams is it ?

The production isn’t helped by Giorgio indulging in yet another High Art Experiment by apparently constructing the world’s biggest snare drum - roughly the size of an Olympic Swimming Pool - putting it in an echoey warehouse, filling the drum with water, then getting Sylvester Stallone to use a dolphin as a drumstick.

As I am sure Giorgio would be the first to admit, this doesn’t exactly produce the subtlest of sounds to power along your ballad of choice… but then this should come as no real surprise, as the other really rather odd thing Giorgio designed around the same time - the Cizeta Moroder - wasn’t exactly very subtle either.

What the fuck is a Cizeta Moroder ?

It is Giorgio’s car :

http://www.moroder.net/cizeta/m_cizeta.html

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Fucking hell. The cheapest 12″ version I can find of this record is 50 fucking quid. That must be one fuck of a remix Giorgio. The 7″ though ? Errr…. 1 pound and 68 pennies.

Current Profit : 174 pounds and 65 pence. Find exactly why Giorgio is the king of that most maligned of genres, Hi-NRG, here - learn more about this song, here - and find out why Satan’s time is short, here.

Supporting Cast Update : Stallone, Sylvester; Moroder, Giorgio