I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Considering there are still a rather stonking 301 shopping days to go, Alvin’s insistence that Christmas is just a little too near for comfort can feel a little unnerving - if not totally paranoid. How many family members does he have in order to make him believe he won’t be able to fit in all the relevant shopping?

This initial reaction, however, is not only unfortunate but also - in the overall scheme of things - dreadfully flippant as with So Near To Christmas Alvin is, in fact, making an incredibly complex metaphysical point about the very nature of time itself.

What Came First ? The Alvin Or The Stardust ?

Seeing as the present moment is the only period of time that actually exists (the future has yet to occur and even when it does it will find itself being rather annoyingly slammed bang slap in the middle of the present, whilst the past has already occurred never to be conceivably retrieved) it is certainly more than a little odd that scientists have no idea how long the present moment actually lasts. Indeed, rather worryingly, it is certainly possible that it doesn’t actually have any duration at all.

Unfortunately the thought that the present moment all happens in an instant doesn’t really help us, as when it comes to our perception of time it is just that : a thought.

The Chicken and Mushroom Pot Noodle, for example, claims to be an instant food - but this Pot Noodle instant first involves half ripping it’s foil top off, then pouring boiling water up to that ever elusive fill level, waiting for two minutes, having a quick stir to get those dry bits off the bottom, waiting one minute more, before finally wrestling with the packet of soy sauce on the offchance you will be able to get it open without using a circular saw.

The Pot Noodle instant then could, depending upon your propensity for Soy Sauce Packet Opening, last anywhere between 3 and a half minutes… to a really rather frustrating 3 and a half hours.

This, I am sure you agree, is quite a long instant.

In comparison, the instant of the supremely well named Batchelor’s Super Noodle is a mere 60 seconds - as all you have to do is drop them into some boiling water for that exact length of time. OK, you have to plan to spend another instant in a different part of the present in order to buy your own Soy Sauce to dribble on it first - but this has already happened in the past by the time you come to the cooking bit and, as such, is of no interest to the noodle.

In conclusion then, this noodlefact categorically proves that so-called instants can actually be perceived to be two very different periods of time - it just depends upon which noodle you are.

The Human Noodle

Interestingly, the same is believed to be true of not just noodle based snacks but human beings too. In the same way that it is believed our perception of reality (or the way we think the world looks) is - at best - just the best interpretation our poor old brains can handle of what appear to be objects surrounding us, it is suggested that time itself is an equally human interpretation of us experiencing those objects getting involved in events.

In other words, human beings cannot experience time itself (we can’t smell or touch or see or hear or taste it, that’s impossible) but we can experience what appear to be events happening - and our poor old brains therefore interpret this into a concept which we can handle… which is that in order for events to happen time must exist.

And herein lies the assumed point of Alvin’s metaphysical musical masterpiece, So Near To Christmas. If all the above is true, and Alvin’s perception of the present moment is that of the Super Noodle whilst mine is that of the infinitely tastier yet slower Pot Noodle, then it is certainly possible that Christmas really does indeed seem much closer to him than it does to me - because each instant is perceived to happen faster for Alvin than for me - and this is the reason why those shopping days which I consider to be a rather pleasant and relaxing time period are getting him into a bit of a panic.

It must thus follow that his other assertion in the chorus (that although Christmas is rather near, I am so far away) is also absolutely totally correct. I really am far away from Alvin - both physically and temporally.

Aren’t You Reading A Bit Too Much Into This? It’s Only Alvin Stardust After All…

Absolutely not.

This incredibly clever record gets all the more incredibly clever when you realise that it is in fact a doublepack with a song called… The Clock On The Wall.

In this, frankly much better, companion piece the aforementioned clock on the wall keeps ticking away no matter what Alvin does or says.

In other words, Alvin is telling us he is perceiving time by experiencing the event of the tick of the clock and is powerless to stop the onslaught. Importantly though, there are two separate clocks referred to in the song : the one of the first verse (the clock at work) and the one of the second (the one at home when he is with his love).

And guess what ?

Yes… he perceives them both to move at different speeds.

If that wasn’t enough, towards the end of this song he claims - in a final denouement of self aware flourishing - that he realises time can be emotional too. If time perception is as complex some claim it is, of course, all emotion.

The fucking clever metaphysical bastard.

Where Is Alvin At This Instant ?

He is here, claiming to be The Godfather Of British Rock ‘n’ Roll :

http://www.alvinstardust.com/

It turns out that he is actually going to be rather near to me in an upcoming present moment very soon, because I live in the west of England and he is about to perform a gig at The Once Great Wildlife Park But Now Sadly Not So Great Because It Was Ruined By Noel Edmonds When It Was Briefly Named Bloody Blobbyland… Cricket St Thomas (you know, where To The Manor Born was filmed) :

http://www.cstwp.co.uk/

Incidentally, if you go to the Cricket St Thomas map and hover over number 12 you get to see a nice picture of one of the world’s most brilliant animals, the Capybara - they grow up to be about 2 feet tall, are the worlds largest rodent and look rather like a giant gerbil.

Read all about this most marvellous of creatures and see lots of other rather huggable pictures of it, here :

http://www.rebsig.com/capybara/

Why Does Alvin Claim To Be Rock ‘n’ Roll’s Godfather ?

Because in the theoretically irretrievable past of the 1960’s, he was the Shane in Shane Fenton and The Fentones :

http://www.geocities.com/shanefentonuk/

Whether his perception of Grandfatherness is true or not, I will leave you to decide. To help you, here they are performing Why Little Girl in 1962 :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eo0rksMG90I&feature=related

What Was All That About The World Not Looking Like We Think It Does ?

What we think we see in the reality that surrounds us is all a matter of perception - it is the human brain deriving a probable interpretation for what is actually incomplete data. As such, what we see - just like a late career Whitney Houston - is not actually right, but it is OK.

An example of how reality can spatially distort according to your perception can be seen in the quaintly named, but actually totally fucking unpleasant, Alice In Wonderland Syndrome (AIWS).

It is named AIWS because sufferers perceive the world just like Alice did when she took various dodgy pills in the infinitely dodgy Wonderland. ie They sometimes inexplicably perceive objects around them as being stupidly small - so when they walk down the street they might stop and try to put a car in their pocket - and then suddenly for no discernible reason this is reversed with the cars thundering towards them looking like they are the size of office blocks and the sufferers the size of a mouse.

When it comes to doing pretty basic things like crossing the road this apparent misperception of space is obviously a bit of a serious problem. The important point here is that it is a misperception of the brain and not something physically wrong with the eyes. ie It is just a different way of seeing things.

One ex-sufferer claims to almost miss one aspect of the syndrome when it finally went away. Sometimes, when a bird appeared to be a hundred metres away to everyone else and was just a speck on the horizon, he could examine and describe it perfectly and clearly because he perceived it to be as near to him, as Christmas feels to Alvin.

Fucking weird, or what ?

http://lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/print/0,,332520392-118450,00.html

http://aiws.info/

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence. This is what I bought it for in the past.

Current Value : 2 pounds and 75 pence. This is what it is worth now - but how long this now is, let alone how soon this now is, is still an unknown quantity.

Current Profit : 173 pounds and 5 pence. This was a hit (ish)… it reached number 29 and is, therefore, the most successful song on here. ..

Want to know more about time perception ? http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/time-experience/

Supporting Cast Update : Edmonds, Noel

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Rockin’ Sidney wants a word with you.

Why ? What’s wrong ?

He fears you may be of a disposition to start messing with his Toot Toot.

I will admit that I have certainly been tempted to have a quick fiddle… it’s been ages since I squeezed one of those.

Well, I am afraid on this occasion Sidney would really prefer it if you kept your dirty wandering hands to yourself, or he warns of some rather serious repercussions - generally involving your face.

If he is that upset about it I will certainly do my best to control my groping fingers - but could you pass on that it would really help me if he stopped playing with it so enticingly close to my grasping range. I’m only human after all.

Errr…. that isn’t his Toot Toot.

It’s isn’t ?

No, that is his accordion. Although, to be fair, he probably doesn’t really want you messing about with that either – it looks dreadfully expensive.

Well if that isn’t his Toot Toot… what is ?

Apparently, ‘My Toot Toot’ is a colloquial Cajun expression derived from the French ‘Tout‘ meaning ‘All, Whole Everything’ which thus extrapolates into Sidney’s ‘Best Girl’.

How the hell do you know that ?

Errr…. he told me so… on the very helpful back cover.

Gosh, that is helpful - and also very forward thinking on Sidney’s part as it certainly cuts down on any forthcoming research. So who is this best girl he definitely isn’t waving around in front of my face and doesn’t want me to mess with ?

He doesn’t actually specify a name, but my best guess is that he is referring to his daughter.

But I’ve never even met his daughter.

That doesn’t seem to matter. If I were you I would take this as a warning purely on the off chance that you ever do. She is obviously a bit of a looker as mere moments after she was born the doctor who delivered her was so overcome with desire, he slapped her playfully on the arse and said, “You’re going to be special, you sweet little Toot Toot.”

That’s a bit forward for a doctor isn’t it ?

Yes it is. But we can only assume that such is the power of her outstanding beauty… men just can’t help themselves.

Then I consider myself forewarned and I thank you - but in the unlikely event that I ever do one day stumble across this mystifyingly irresistible daughter of his and am utterly overcome with a Devo-like Uncontrollable Urge to inspect the contents of her underpants, what advice would you give ?

Sidney is actually quite helpful in this regard too - as he makes it very clear that if such a situation should ever arise you should deflect your completely understandable desire elsewhere and… have the other woman in his life instead.

Errr… who’s that ?

His wife, presumably.

He would prefer it if I fucked his wife ?

It seems so, yes. Apparently you can have her as frequently as you wish – and simultaneously quite openly ogle his daughter as much as you like if the mood so takes you. But if you as much as touch her throughout this whole wife fucking process, you have crossed a very serious line in Sidney’s book and… you’re gonna have yourself a case.

‘Have myself a case?’… Is that yet another tedious colloquial Cajun expression ?

No. It just rhymes with I’m gonna break your face.

Bloody hell. What a weird morality.

Just How Rockin’ Is Sidney ?

Not very.

This should come as no real surprise however - as just about every person who has ever felt the need to prefix their real name with the word Rockin’ is usually about as close to actually being Rockin’ as all those dreadfully annoying people who describe themselves as being a people person are close to actually being any good with people.

I Already Know This Song, And It’s Shit

Of course you do.

But, importantly, Sidney actually wrote it – and this is the original version he recorded and produced himself in his own bedroom at home… he even played all the instruments. As such, musical law states that this must be infinitely superior to all those other versions that have forced themselves upon us over the years.

Other people obviously agree, as this version of this song actually won him a Grammy in 1985.

Good God. Really ?

Yes. Really.

OK, just like Working Week’s Too Much Time it would certainly have benefited with the addition of a second verse, but if you force yourself to sit through it more than once it does have it charms.

It helps that Sidney can’t really sing – coming across rather like a Cajun inspired Ian Dury - as when he then threatens to do that aforementioned face breaking thing, if you are playing this song too loudly you may well recoil away from the speakers in sheer terror so much does he sound like He Really Bloody Means It.

Where Is Sidney Now ?

He will tootle no more.

In an I Am Not The Beatles coincidence that has quite literally just scared the crap out of me, at the time of writing this he died exactly ten years ago… tomorrow :

http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=11610051

Yes, it seems that his daughter’s husband got so utterly pissed off with her father’s overprotective meddling in their sex life and resulting endless attempts to pimp out his own wife - he got him killed.

What A Sad Story.

It is.

However, when he was still with us, it seems Sidney was actually alot more Rockin’ that I originally gave him credit for.

This is by far his most famous song and it made him shedloads of money - with his version selling over a million copies worldwide, and countless other cover versions flying around all over the place - but it is also a song that is incredibly unlike the rest of Sidney’s other really rather lovely but sadly pretty much unavailable early work. Why not have a listen to The Officially Rockin’ You Ain’t Nothing But Fine when he was the singer of Count Rockin’ Sidney and The Dukes in the 60’s - it sounds uncannily like Jonathan Richman :

http://musik.hilfe-forum.eu/yt.php?v=pXa3ACCGvF0

As well as recording rather good records himself, he also had his own Very Trendy Record Company called Bold at the same time which released bloody obscure but brilliant soul music. Follow the next link and download (Real Audio) Charles Carlson’s Don’t Want To Sit Down about half way down the page - you won’t regret it :

http://www.melingo.com/thesoulnet/ridley.htm

As fascinating as all this is however, the most important fact about Sidney is…he used to wear a turban :

http://www.lib.unc.edu/mss/sfc1/goldband/artists/count_sidney/

What Happened Next ?

He went all Zydeco on us.

Have no idea what Zydeco is ? Don’t worry, I didn’t either until about two seconds ago :

http://www.carencrohighschool.org/LA_Studies/B_Creole/celebration.htm

So, Sidney’s musical life in miniature runs thus : first he was rather Rockin’ but basically unknown… then he definitely wasn’t Rockin’ at all but a bit more well known, then he wrote his life changing song, won that Grammy, generally had a rather nice time on the back of it all, and… errrr… died.

I think we’d all be quite happy with that.

If you want to know a little more, you could do alot worse than pop off to a very old blog post from 2005 at a place called Funky 16 Corners :

http://tinyurl.com/2g857y

Incidentally, this last link goes to show what an internet virgin I really am - as I don’t think I even knew what a blog was in 2005.

Before I Die I Really Want To Hear This Song Played And Sung By John Fogerty from Creedence Clearwater Revival, With Sidney Playing His Very Expensive Accordion In The Background. Is This Possible ?

Yes it is.

Today is your lucky, yet unfortunately dying, day :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZ0B6V3fUcw

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current value : I wasn’t holding out alot of hope… but incredibly most people want in the region of ten quid for this because it’s on the Jinn label, before the song was bought up and re-released by Epic. The cheapest is a rather respectable 5 pounds and 7 pence - which didn’t break my face exactly, but it certainly broke my expectation threshold.

This means he is currently just behind poor murdered Luba, and just in front of that naughty Mr Duffy in the value chart. Oh by the way, both of these two records may well have had updates since you last looked…

Current Profit : 170 pounds and 38 pennies. Rockin’.

Supporting Cast Update : Devo ; Fogerty, John ; Creedence Clearwater Revival ; Richman, Jonathan

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

* Official I Am Not The Beatles Warning : This article requires you to do some actual jumping, so please clear an area next to your computer in line with all Health and Safety directives before proceeding. Thank you. *

Jumping

Jumping is brilliant.

Everybody likes a good jump.

It is a shame then that as we get inevitably older, occasions within which jumping would be a socially acceptable thing to do sadly start to diminish. In fact, the more immersed we become in the relentless gravity of everyday adult existence, our lives can become essentially jumpless.

If you went back in time and told your eight year old ever bouncing self that by the time you were as old as you are now you would never be doing any jumping around at all, they would look at you like you were totally bonkers. Before we go any further then, let us rectify this situation immediately and… have a quick jump around.

Come on, what are you waiting for - get yourself off that chair and jump in the air you miserable bugger… I absolutely promise that it will make you smile…

Ooooh, actually, if you do what I just did and also combine the jump with a childish ‘Wheeee!’ sound at the same time - it might even make you giggle.

There… feel better ?

Of course you do - because jumping is brilliant.

Jumping Songs

Jumping songs are almost as good as jumping itself – this comes with the very important caveat that they need to give you the precise reason why they want you to jump, and then repeat it excessively throughout. It doesn’t matter if the Jumping Reason given doesn’t really stand up to close scrutiny in the cold light of day - nobody will notice because they will be too busy having fun jumping around to care – but it is important that you state the reason and repeat it.

Alot.

Good Reasons To Jump

In their song Jump, The Pointer Sisters show themselves to be sexually obsessed jump fetishists, telling you to jump for their ‘love’. So obsessed are they in fact, that if they had been in the room 30 seconds ago and caught you jumping up and down going ‘Wheee!’ next to your computer, it would have been the best bouncy porn they’d have seen all year. As a reward, you would have been on the receiving end of not just that aforementioned ‘love’ but also their ‘kisses in the night’ – which seems like a rather good trade doesn’t it ?

Bad Reasons To Jump

Jump by Van Halen is an example of bored rockers jumping for an uncaring generation – telling you to jump for the rather uninspiring reason that, well, ‘You might as well.’

This can make it feel less of a jump, and more of a trip hazard.

Very Bad Reasons To Jump

Count Basie’s Do You Want To Jump Children? asks a question in definite need of rephrasing or – at the very least – the luxurious addition of a well placed comma situated somewhere upon it’s person.

The sick bastard.

How Does Jump To It Fare ?

It all starts rather well as it gives you a reason to have a quick jump within the first 20 seconds, which is nice – telling us we should Jump To It if we say a question we want to know the answer to. Luckily I did have a question, and I said it… so I jumped.

Good For You. What Was Your Question ?

I wanted to know if that really is Jon Moss on the front cover.

Is It ?

Apparently, yes.

From hereon in, however, it all starts to go horribly wrong as – just when you’re learning where those Jump To It’s should theoretically be occurring (which is, rather excitingly, just about every other line) - Heartbeat UK start messing with the formula and shout things at those points other than Jump To It. If like me you have been jumping around to this song in the live environment, you will already know that this can lead to jump confusion leading on to the strong suspicion that Heartbeat UK aren’t really that keen on jumping at all.

In the second verse, for example, it says I shouldn’t ever forget that my heartbeat’s keeping a rhythm. I hadn’t forgotten this so I jumped, only to hear the band then shout Pump To It rather than Jump To It when I was already midair – which made me feel really silly as I was now jumping totally unnecessarily. Fortunately this happened on my own in the living room with the curtains pulled so nobody noticed, but imagine if I had done that in a nightclub – I’d be forced to leave out of embarrassment.

It was at this point I really wished I’d listened to what my mama used to say.

What Did Your Mama Used To Say ?

Junior’s mama used to tell him to take his time young man, which is spectacularly good advice in the right situation – such as being the centre of attention of The Pointer Sisters’ kisses in the night, for example. Meanwhile, my mama used to say ‘never trust anybody who tells you Cross my heart I’m not leading you on, particularly if they say it at the end of the verses just before the bridge to the chorus.’

Unfortunately, by the time I had remembered this rather specific piece of parental advice, I had already got carried away with the overexcitement of it all.

Do You Like Jump To It ?

I don’t dislike it but it is, I am afraid, a tad disappointing - as by the end your initial suspicions are confirmed when you come to the realisation that the main repeated line is in fact ‘I want this forever, I want this for life…’ which is actually all about replacing one status quo with another, and is about as far away from the adventurous anarchic spirit of jumping all over the place it is possible to get.

Is This The Most Misleading So-Called Jumping Song You’ve Ever Heard ?

Absolutely not. The Sultans Of Ping’s Where’s Me Jumper ? wasn’t exactly as advertised either.

I Have A Fetish For Slightly Shit Orchestra Hits. Will This Help ?

It certainly will. Depending upon how this fetish manifests itself, you may well find yourself totally unexpectedly orgasming into your rather surprised pants somewhere around 2 minutes and 35 seconds - which really will make you jump, I assure you.

Who Are Heartbeat UK ?

The aforementioned obviously lovely Jon Moss fresh from telling us how stupid war is in Culture Club, ex-Roman Holliday vocalist Steve Lambert who really doesn’t want you to even think about stopping it - plus two sadly currently unidentified others.

Could Their Record Cover Actually Be Any More Gay ?

No.

I’ve tried everything from imaginatively hanging some gladioli from their audaciously pert snow-washed denim bottoms, to dreaming they are all about to recreate that Take That video and suggestively cover their buttocks with raspberry jelly instead - but none of it worked.

Seeing as it has been scientifically proven that any room on this earth immediately becomes 10% more camp just by me walking through it’s doorway, this is a superb achievement for Heartbeat UK and must not be underestimated.

Where Are Steve and Jon Now ?

Jon plays in a number of bands these days, and recently also played drums on the charity single ‘People I Don’t Know Are Trying To Kill Me’ whose profits went to help the families of those affected by the tube and bus bombs in London :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jon_Moss

Meanwhile Steve was obviously getting bored by the endless stream of emails begging him to reform Roman Holliday, so… he reformed them for a special one off show in 2001 :

http://www.romanholliday.co.uk/

He does have his own website, but at the time of writing it is ‘under reconstruction’ with a nice picture of some dancing horses being it’s only feature, so here is a nice interview with Steve telling us that shit, has indeed, happened - and this is the CD he’s on about.

Incidentally, Roman Holliday’s guitarist - Brainy Brian - is now professor of Russian History at Youngstown State University :

http://brianbonhomme.freeservers.com/

Gosh. What Was Heartbeat UK’s Profound Influence On The Pet Shop Boys ?

‘Profound’ is perhaps too strong a word for it but - for reasons I still cannot entirely fathom - the Pet Shop Boys changed the name of their lovely number one hit song Heartbeat …to Heart just because Heartbeat UK existed :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart_(Pet_Shop_Boys_song)

Which is odd.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Good God… Original acetate - 112 pounds and 90 pence. Bloody Hell… Most expensive vinyl- 28 pounds and 33 pence. Cheapest Vinyl… 2 pounds and 9 pence. Ah, that’s better.

Current Profit : 165 pounds and 39 pence. After releasing just one song… Heartbeat UK sadly disbanded. Oh well, want to watch the video ? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwncUdFBxY4

Supporting Cast Update : Pointer Sisters, The ; Van Halen ; Count Basie ; The Sultans Of Ping ; Take That ; Culture Club ; Junior

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Thomas Leer Likes You Alot

Really ? How nice. I must have made quite a first impression as I hardly know the man.

You Certainly Did. In Fact, Despite The Brevity Of Your Current Aquaintance, He Wants To Tell You That He Rates You As A Number One

Gosh. How sweet. What’s the scale ?

I Beg Your Pardon ?

The scale. If one is presumably the highest score I could possibly get from the obviously lovable Thomas, what would be the lowest ? Am I, for example, in his ever sultry eyes… one a million ?

Errr… No.

What then ?

Ten.

I am number one on a scale of ten ?

Yes… Are You Having Fun ?

Well I was until you came along and ruined it with the details of Thomas’ totally ridiculous scoring system. It’s a fucking insult.

I Think You’ll Find He Was Trying To Be Nice…

Trying to be nice ? That’s almost as bad an excuse as only following orders in my book. Nope, you can go back to your good friend Thomas and tell him that he can try to be nice all he bloody well likes, but perhaps he should attempt to go that one tiny step further and actually be nice.

Sorry, Can You Calm Down Please ?

You’re trying to matchmake me with a man who finds it morally acceptable to squeeze the entire sprawling mass of individuals that make up the human race into an overpopulated and totally degrading scale of ten, and you’re asking me to calm down ?

I would be fascinated to watch Thomas attempt to justify the warped rationale he uses to differentiate between people he has marked down as a one and a two, let alone a one and ten - because there are going to be some pretty diverse individuals all branded together into his rather pathetic narrow world view, don’t you think ?

If I - presumably for reasons of excellent bone structure - have been marked as a one for example, where does Mother Theresa sit ? Or Gandhi ?

Most worryingly, I must also presume that Thomas has marked The Real Cunts Of The World Who Did Things Like Murder People with the lowest score possible. Whilst this obviously isn’t an incorrect thing to do, it does mean that as far as he is concerned :

I am only ten points away from Hitler.

I Suppose You Have A Point…

Thank you.

Now, how do I get off this pathetic list ? I want nothing to do with it.

I Don’t Think You Can Get Off The List - It’s Just Like The Masons and Facebook. ie Once You’re A Member You Can Never Actually Leave…

The total fucker.

Song Any Good ?

Despite Thomas’ slightly worrying number fascism, this record really is quite incredibly fabulous.

It’s rather like being on the receiving end of a particularly satisfying all body massage from Sade.

In drag.

Does Thomas Leer ?

In 1978 Thomas recorded the whispered vocals of a song as his girlfriend slept merrily in the next room of his flat in Port Glasgow, Scotland, called it Private Plane and released it on his own label. Over the coming months it went on to sell over five and half thousand copies, is cited by Matt Johnson as the reason why he was inspired to start The The, and is generally regarded as a bit of a lost classic.

The rave reviews when Private Plane was released hailed it as pop masterpiece of the new electronic era where synthesisers would be king. Ironically though Thomas couldn’t actually afford a synth at the time, so all those hi-tech wibbles are in fact just a guitar and a bass run through craploads of effect pedals.

Want to hear it ?

Now, this older record is all very well - and is making me feel oh so breathlessly retrotrendy - but lets face it, the Thomas Leer of No.1 sounds like a smokey man you’d happily turn your body into a receptacle for, whilst the Thomas Leer of Private Plane sounds like that teenage boy you’ve been desperately trying to avoid for the very good reason he has one too many piles of used Kleenex badly hidden beneath his bed.

After the success of Private Plane Thomas released a few more records independently before eventually signing to the major label Arista. It appears that, despite my moral misgivings, Thomas was very proud of his socially divisive experimenting, and ultimately highlighted it by unapologetically calling the album this song comes from… The Scale Of Ten.

‘The past response has been rubbish… It’s down to the radio play I wasn’t getting… I am fed up with being a cult… I don’t see anything wrong with being successful…’ he said at the time.

‘<I did it to> subvert the mainstream from the inside‘ - he said a few years later after leaving Arista having sold no records, and signing with ZTT to form a band called Act with Claudia Brücken from Propaganda :

http://www.zttaat.com/search.php?search=thomas+leer

Not long after this Thomas was obviously having a very bad day as one second he was in the midst of legal wrangles trying (and failing) to clear an Abba sample for one of Act’s songs - and the next he suddenly got a bit flustered, decided everything was crap and disappeared for 15 years.

You will be relieved to know though that he is now back.

Take a look :

http://www.thomasleer.co.uk/

Is Thomas Leer Really A Total Fucker ?

Of course not.

His website above contains a few free downloads for us to all to listen to, and this obviously makes him utterly lovely. In fact he is so lovely that I have decided to forgive him for our initial disagreement, and - just like he did 23 years ago - would like to publicly announce to the world that on a scale of ten…

I’d give him one.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Some people want 15 pounds - whilst others want 1 pound and 17 pence, which is 2 tiny pence more than Rupert Everett. Just like the sales of this record then, it’s disappointing.

Current Profit : 163 pounds and 38 pence. Our number’s are definitely up, but the ship has totally failed to come in.

Supporting Cast Update : The The ; Brücken, Claudia; Bojaxhui, Agnes Gonxha (Mother Theresa) ; Gandhi, Mohandas Karamchand (Gandhi… err, obviously); Abba