I Am Not The Beatles

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“ Human beings live in a state of mind called ’sanity’ on a small planet in space. They are not quite sure whether the space around them is infinite or not (either way it is unthinkable). If they think about time, they find it inconceivable that it had a beginning. It is also inconceivable that it did not have a beginning. Thoughts of this kind are not disturbing to ’sanity’, [despite the fact]… it is a salient feature of our position that we are in a state of total uncertainty. Possibly the universe started with a ‘big bang’ a few aeons ago, or perhaps something even more incredible happened. In any case, there is no reason known to us why everything should not stop existing at any moment. I realize that to my sane readers I shall appear to be making an empty academic point. That is precisely what is so remarkable about sanity.

Celia Green - The Human Evasion

“I think we have different value systems. “
“Well mine’s better. “

Douglas Adams - The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy

Existence is pretty fucking weird isn’t it ?

If we are all infinite souls experiencing three dimensional space before we finally reunite in some form or other with the rest of our spiritual self in a place where time and place don’t exist - let alone the idea of ‘self’ - that’s pretty fucking weird.

However, if all spirituality is a human invention and this entire reality just happened - by chance - to not only luck itself into existence from nothing at all, but also eventually randomly evolve conscious beings able to question how they and it got there in the first place, then that’s a pretty fucking weird state of affairs too.

Worryingly then, of the only two options we have available to us as to the reason for our entire existence, both of them are really fucking weird.

What’s This Got To Do With That Nice Graham Parker ?

The scientific option for The Beginning Of Everything has the problem that it relies on something being made out of nothing. It is unfortunate then that historical precedent suggests this theory may well be ill-advised. The only other time I can think of where people tried to make Something Out Of Nothing was on an Eastenders spin-off single involving both Letitia Dean and Nick Berry - and that was a total fucking unmitigated disaster.

Luckily for humanity, that disaster lasted only 3 minutes and measured a mere 7 inches in diameter. But if you take the terror contained within those 3 minutes and multiply it over the possibly infinite length of time itself, then take the horror squeezed into those devilish 7 inches and multiply it over the possibly infinite size of the universe, you can perhaps understand why I am a little concerned that scientists are trying to base their entire theory of reality upon it.

Oddly, despite this Letitia laced warning, modern trendy types like to chuck their atheism around the place with the kind of swagger which suggests that, just like the Urban Cookie Collective before them, they hold both the key and the secret. They are wrong, of course, as definitive proof is one thing they do not have and therefore - whether they like it or not - it must follow that religion may actually be right.

By saying this I am not referring to all that Old Testament stuff which indicates you should inexplicably cut the testicles off four donkeys and shove them up your bottom for a couple of days as a ‘punishment’ because you happen to be homosexual - I am talking about the absolute basics. ie It is possible that when you die something else might happen to you other than just the death of a body as human beings can perceive it.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it would be pretty fucking weird if it did but - as I say - the other Nick Berry based option isn’t exactly not fucking weird.

Errr… Graham Parker ?

Most importantly of course, neither position can conclusively prove they are 100% correct when it comes to the existence or non-existence of a spiritual element to reality - no matter how many various celebrity atheist authors or Christian pop stars claim otherwise. Essentially, each requires the individual to make a final leap of faith in order to accept it as a personal fact.

Indeed, both science and religion would find it hard to conclusively prove that I actually exist - and I actually do.

Errr… I think …

Please Shut Up And Tell Me About This Record.

“The missionary’s position is clear,” puns an obviously angry Graham as if he has been transformed into Richard Dawkins and is being forced to go down on the Archbishop of Canterbury until he finally concedes that his latest book is actually an opinion, “Break Them Dow-yown…”

For the rest of the song Graham makes entirely valid points concerning the disgraceful act of forcing religion onto other cultures and the inherent violence used to do so - and he is, of course, correct to be so utterly appalled.

Herein lies the downside of the religious option for The Beginning Of Everything : human beings keep trying to give their spiritual belief some sort of earthly representation and, as any of your exes will probably tell you, human beings can be bastards.

Graham though is using this human stupidity and violence to negate the very idea of a spiritual non human presence in the universe - and this makes as much sense as negating the very idea of science just because you weren’t a huge fan of the Hiroshima bomb.

Errr, Right. Tell Me, Is The Song Any Good ?

Yes it is, it is very good - if a little lumpen and with a slight overexcited use of vocal reverb.

In other parts of it Graham resembles a particularly grumpy Joe Jackson - presumably mere moments after he discovers that, yes, she really is going out with him… ‘Gorilla’ or not.

Where Is Graham Now ?

You can read all about the very highly regarded Graham Parker, who was born in the UK but now apparently lives in the US, here :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graham_Parker

He seems very nice, is touted as an angry young man influence on people like Elvis Costello and (hurrah!) Joe Jackson - and most recently released an album in March of this year called Don’t Tell Columbus, which is seen by many as real return to form :

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Tell-Columbus-Graham-Parker/dp/B000MR9C1Y

As Graham himself said about it :

“If I never make a record again, that’ll be fine with me. This is it. My work is done here.”

Like a theoretical God on the sixth day of creation however, his work wasn’t done as he has now quite literally just released a new download only album The End Of Faith’, has started a blog and… has just read Richard Dawkins’ book ‘The God Delusion’ :

http://chairmanparker.blogspot.com/2007/10/end-of-faith.html

“I think this is an urgent matter, and I think the sooner mankind can stamp out religion with the light of reason the better. The world and the universe will not be any less miraculous for it, more so in fact, and the misery these superstitions and “faiths” inflict in what can only be described rationally as belief in the supernatural, can be marginalized and banished to the crackpot realm where they now fully belong.”

What Was All That About ‘The Human Evasion’ ?

The book ‘The Human Evasion’ is written by a lady called Celia Green and was published in 1969 . It is horribly dated in parts, completely brilliant in others, contains some ideas which will make you scream “No! No! Nooo!” at it in sheer dismay, but contains other ideas which will make your head spin with utter excitement.

It is however sadly out of print and almost impossible to find. So, if the quote at the beginning of all this interests you, I make no apologies to point out that a complete copy is available to read online here :

http://theabsolute.net/minefield/humevas.html#1

Break The M(oney) Down

Cost : 8 pence. Want to read all about Eastenders spin-off band, The Banned ? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Banned_(EastEnders) . Oh, by the way, the lyrics to Break Them Down are here, whilst here is the definition of ‘panare’ which pinpoints the subject matter of this song to southern Venezuela, and here is proof that the nonsense continues…

Current Value : 3 pounds and 96 pence - which carries him like the son of God on a donkey straight into number 9 value-wise. Somebody, it seems, is on his side.

Current Profit : 152 pounds and 55 pence. We are now 49 records in, so we will start the new year with the fiftieth. That box is starting to feel a little lighter, and I have no idea how many are left in it. It is therefore probably worth pointing out that I Am Not The Beatles has a finite shelf life quite literally as long as the number of records in the box. With this in mind, and just in case this is the only chance I get to say it to you : Merry Christmas one and all.

Supporting Cast Update : Costello, Elvis ; Jackson, Joe; Urban Cookie Collective; Dean Letitia; Berry, Nick; Dawkins, Richard; Green, Celia

EDIT : Update now available in ‘Corrections and Clarifications’

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Based around a groove whose existence appears to be entirely designed just so Working Week could waggle their fingers at the TV camera whilst miming to it on Top of The Pops, Too Much Time quite literally drips with a desperate desire to be the sound of your summer.

As anyone who has ever been unemployed knows however, one downside of having ‘too much time’ on your hands is that it can make you slightly bored and unindustrious. That is certainly a situation which has been replicated here as, for all the ‘time’ the singer consistently claims to have far ‘too much’ of, none of it was ever used productively in order to actually get around to writing a second verse. For a song that takes over 4 minutes to complete, this means you can end up feeling all the summer funk and excitement of a hosepipe ban.

If that wasn’t bad enough, in a frankly bizarre attempt to make up for their langurous approach to songwriting, Working Week then present you with a rather rambling culinary based middle 8 which has nothing to do with the rest of the song whatsoever.

“Sometimes when it gets late and I’m feeling hungry,” it states as the band inexplicably present their ingredients to Ainsley Harriott at the beginning of Ready Steady Cook, “I heat up some old stale beans, open up a can of sardines, eat crackers and dream about someone who’ll cook for me.’

It is presumably at this point that dear old Ainsley camply spins around to speak with their designated chef, waiting expectantly to see what ideas he can come up with for such a food fest - only to find him breaking down live on air as he suddenly becomes painfully aware that he is finally, after all these years, utterly defeated.

What Are The First Symptoms Of Having ‘Too Much Time’ ?

Believing people may be interested in some sort of musical version of your late night eating habits, presumably.

I Think I Do Have ‘Too Much Time’… So Tell Me About Hedgehogs.

OK, I will.

With this song the ‘Connected To Swing Out Sister’ category has finally got another member. The reason for this is that before the vocalist on this song (Juliet Roberts) joined the band, they tried out a lady called Corinne Drewery - fresh from Beau Leisure and When In Rome - only for her to pop off almost immediately to form… Swing Out Sister.

This is a brilliant fact, of course, mainly because it means I get an excuse to mention Corinne’s mum’s Hedgehog Hospital in Louth once again :

http://www.hedgehogcare.org.uk/

They didn’t have their own website when we last mentioned them during the days of Dr Calculus - but rather excitingly they now do and you can do such things with it as buy hedgehog fridge magnets and key rings , read fabulous advice on what to do if you find an ill looking hedgehog in your garden, and also look at their wonderful photo gallery.

Are They Still Working, The Week ?

They are because… they have reformed :

http://www.working-week.org/

Not only are they rated very highly by many, but they were also a bit more subversive than you may initally think. Alot of people say their greatest work was a rendition of Victor Jara’s ‘Venceremos’ with Tracey Thorn from Everything But The Girl :

http://tinyurl.com/22ukpu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dln0c0-0GUE

Who is Victor Jara ? A highly respected Chilean theatre director, poet, singer-songwriter and political activist who was arrested and tortured before being machine gunned to death four days later :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Jara

http://www.fundacionvictorjara.cl/

Gosh. Tell Me More About Working Week.

There seems to have been quite a revolving door of vocalists who worked with the two Working Week chaps - Larry Stabbins and Simon Booth - over the years. The singer on this record, Juliet, first signed a record contract at the tender age of 15 and has also collaborated with such people as Miles Davis, Stevie Wonder and Courtney Pine :

http://www.julietroberts.com/

The not remotely porn-named Larry Stabbins is also terribly successful. He has a long standing association with very famous pianist Keith Tippet, took time out to study philosopy at Kings College, London - and recently released his first solo album Monadic :

http://www.efi.group.shef.ac.uk/musician/mstabbins.html

http://www.emanemdisc.com/E4093.html

Meanwhile, it seems Simon Booth formed a band before this one called ‘Weekend’ with Alison Statton from Young Marble Giants, then after Working Week went on to form Afro-Celt Sound System :

http://tinyurl.com/2j5pn3

http://www.afrocelts.org/

So Working Week Are Alot Cleverer Than You Thought ?

They certainly are.

Another example of their cleverness is this song itself, as ‘Too Much Time’ is actually written by a chap called Don Van Vliet, better known as… Captain Beefheart. I know nothing about the highly influential Captain Beefheart at all incidentally - except that I should probably own a copy of Trout Mask Replica but don’t - so this was a bit of a surprise to say the least :

http://www.beefheart.com/

He was recently spotted shopping in Safeway :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_Beefheart

And is now a full time painter :

http://www.artnet.com/artist/17294/don-van-vliet.html

Can I Buy Some Stuff Before Reading The Money Update Please ?

Yes you can.

Why not choose between The Best Of Working Week , The Spotlight Kid / Clear Spot - the Captain Beefheart album this song is from (you can also hear a snippet of his original version of this song there) - or prints of some of Don’s art.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 1 pound and 70 pence. Too Much Time, but not really Too Much Money.

Current Profit : 149 pounds and 67 pence.

Supporting Cast Update : Pine, Courtney ; Statton, Alison; Tippet, Keith; Davis, Miles; Wonder, Stevie ; Hariott, Ainsley; Thorn Tracey; Jara Victor; Van Vliet, Don

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Has this record been sent from the future to try and kill you ?

If it has, then it’s come armed with 7 men in uniform and seems to have the very clever ploy to try and do it whilst I sleep - or ’somewhere around the middle 8′ as it’s better known.

Either that, or safe in the knowledge that I would have to listen to this slab of vinyl depression all the way through at least once, it was banking on me killing myself by the outro - and saving itself the hassle.

“Is it hard to think of this as a world full of sorrow?” Barbara whines as if being starved to death by her owner.

Not after a couple of seconds of this song it bloody well isn’t.

What’s The Most Depressing Bit ?

2 minutes and 31 seconds - it is here where the song seems to have reached it’s totally natural if downbeat conclusion.. only for Barbara to start the entire fucking thing again from the very fucking beginning.

Please show some solidarity and at least get this far into this record. The sinking feeling you get in the pit of your stomach as she repeats the first line of the song really is one of the most momentous you will ever experience. It would be enough to make you collapse in the corner with a bottle of vodka, some black eyeliner and a blunt but effective butter knife - if that endlessly clinking minor key piano sound hadn’t already pummeled you into the shape of a dead eyed zombie.

Still, It’s All For A Good Cause Though Isn’t It ?

This was apparently the theme tune for a TV show called ‘Animal Squad’, which presumably followed the aforementioned 7 men in RSPCA uniform around the country as they dealt with such uplifting subjects as animal murder, abuse and torture.

If I were them though I would initially be running around to the back cover as, judging by Barbara’s doleful alsation puppy eyes, it appears she may have just eaten some grass and is about to vomit all over your living room carpet.

Errr… It Is All For A Good Cause ? Isn’t It?

That’s hard to tell as, despite the RSPCA being plastered all over the record sleeve, nowhere does it actually say that any percentage of any theoretical profit will go towards them.

I believe this is known in One Vision circles as ‘Doing A Queen’ - so if you weren’t depressed by the song and the subject, you certainly will be by the covert commercialism.

Where’s Barbara ?

Here she is, looking like a bizarre cross breed of Meryl Streep and Sigourney Weaver :

http://www.barbaradickson.net

She is on tour from February 2008, if your Dickson Quota is in need of refilling :

http://www.barbaradickson.net/concerts.html

What About The RSPCA ?

Find out all about their good work, here :

http://www.rspca.org.uk

And look at their absolutely fantastic poster aimed at trying to prevent the British government from ordering a mass cull of badgers, here :

http://tinyurl.com/mrqhc

Meanwhile, Sid Jenkins - an RSPCA officer who became the ’star’ of ‘Animal Squad’ - has since written lots of books on the subject :

http://biblion.co.uk/isbn/000412281X.html

He left the RSPCA after 17 years, now teaches courses in animal welfare at Sheffield College, and wins the odd award :

http://tinyurl.com/26xvmo

God, I’m Depressed. Can You Help ?

Errr no, I can’t… but Barbara Dickson can :

http://www.depressionet.com.au/health-care-practitioners/barbara-dickson.html

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 2 pounds and 73 pence. Just enough for that stiff drink this record has suddenly made me need .

Current Profit : 148 pounds and 5 pence.

Supporting Cast Update : Weaver, Signourney

July 2008 Update : 8 months have passed and another record has been pulled out of the box which is inexplicably linked to Barbara’s. If you think you can handle it, why not pop off and listen to Gary Numan pretending to be a dog…

http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?p=568

It won’t cheer you up though.