I Am Not The Beatles

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Well, this is exciting. We haven’t received a record sleeve communiqué since the dark days of Nazz Nasko’s gap ridden reggae monstrosity, ‘No More’.

If you were perplexed by Nazz’s insistence that you were more likely to be seduced by his lolloping charms if he emblazoned the phrase ‘Remix By Froggy’ across himself - despite the fact that

a) It didn’t appear to be a remix, and
b) You had no idea who ‘Froggy’ actually was -

then the hastily stuck sticker on Willy’s record which proudly proclaims this to be the ‘Theme From The Gateway Stores Television Commercial’ is likely to leave you feeling faintly giggly.

Willy doesn’t let your coy smile affect his performance however and turns in an optimistic, if hungover, vocal.

‘Beyond the blue horizon,’ Willy groans - watching the seagulls circle above him as he throws an empty whisky bottle into his recycling box - ‘ waits a beautiful day…’

Now, although it is lovely to hear Willy being so cheerful of a morning despite his headache, I feel it is my moral duty to point out that not all blue horizon’s actually do bring the beautiful day he is so merrily trying to describe.

The last time I saw a blue horizon, for example, was out the corner of my eye when I was 9 years old. It was a metallic blue Talbot Horizon being driven by my uncle, and it was about 2 milliseconds away from knocking me unconcious in the middle of the road just outside of my parents house.

In this case, the blue horizon lead less to a ‘beautiful day’ and more to a ‘fucking painful evening’, followed by ‘a really rather miserable couple of months.’

Is Willy’s Song Any Good ?

It is rather like a family shopping trip to the now defunct supermarket chain this record is advertising : largely uneventful.

Where’s Willy Now ?

Errr… this is where our story plunges rapidly from ‘exciting’ to ‘deeply worrying’ as - in an apparently determined attempt to rub ever larger pieces of salt into the newly remembered broken limbs of my pre-teen self - Willy is currently in an outfit called ‘Willy Finlayson… and The Hurters’ :

http://willyfinlayson.com/

Willy seems very well respected and has played with such people as Jools Holland and Manfred Mann’s Earthband in the past - but nothing can take my mind away from the fact that, with this record and his current choice of bandname, he is quite blatantly taking the piss out of my own misfortune.

Aren’t You Taking This All Rather Personally ?

No.

In fact the more I think about it, the more I realise this song is quite plainly part of some sort of Terminator style conspiracy organised by my Uncle, who has obviously travelled through time in order to place this very particular record into my box. Why he would do this though I am not entirely sure. Am I destined to save the planet via the admittedly odd medium of written descriptions of inter-familial car accidents ?

Even more worryingly, will the next record also have been placed there by someone from the future - but this time by my uncle’s Evil Equivalent with the sole intention of it trying to kill me ?

I, and I am sure you, await the next record with much trepidation.

On the off-chance that you’re right and you are murdered by the next song before you get a chance to write about it, do you have an interesting fact about this record to sign off with ?

Thank you for your concern, and yes I do.

This record was produced by a chap called John Altman - the same man who produced the Not Entirely Dissimilar Now I Come To Think About It ‘Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life’.

He did loads of Monty Python stuff and then went on to become terrifyingly successful working with people like George Michael and Diana Ross to name a few. Coincidentally, he also arranged, conducted and produced Aled Jones’ ‘Walking In The Air’ - this (mixed with the fact that he has also played with Jools) means this song is oddly connected with Hugh’s.

http://www.jazzcds.co.uk/artist_id_8/biography_id_8

Money Update

Cost: 8 pence

Current Value : 1 pound and 70 pence. Beyond the blue horizon lies a profit, of sorts.

Current Profit : 145 pounds and 32 pence. Incidentally, to my knowledge Jimi Hendrix never drove a Talbot Horizon - but if he did I am sure he would have described it as… ‘boxy’ :

http://www.simcatalbotclub.org/tcar2.jpg

Supporting Cast Update : Mann, Manfred ; Jones, Aled

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

On the evidence of this truly excellent song, Secession may well be the most cruelly overlooked band here. Essentially a pop song for The Secret Goth Inside Us All, ‘The Magician’ is nothing short of majestic.

Taking ‘I Will Survive’ as its basis and the reflective finale of ‘The French Lieutenants Woman’ as its centrepoint, this song exists in the haze of a post-coital cigarette mere moments after Sisters Of Mercy have given New Order a rather ill-advised right royal seeing to in a crappy B&B in Lyme Regis.

Realising these painful attempts at a relationship to be a mistake they leave New Order dozing lightly and, slipping on their blackest cloaks, they go. They walk out the door and head down to Lyme Bay for a tearful walk along it’s famous cob - looking, as they always do, like the four Meryl Streeps of the apocalypse.

Standing at the Cob’s nether reaches with the empty sky above them and violent sea spraying unforgiving salt onto their mirrored shades, they are now bang slap in the middle of their own middle 8. This is the mystical place where the mysterious magician - Is this a metaphor for the human heart? Is it your next infatuation ? - allows the hurt of lost love and separation to pass and for the individual to move on.

The Magician knows that this hurt will always be replaced with the eternal dull ache of lost opportunity, but also that this is the way it must be. Without this we would never realise - as Charles does at the end of ‘The French Lieutenant’s Woman’ - that ‘life is not merely a symbol, it is not one riddle and one failure to guess it, it is not to inhabit one face alone or to be given up after one losing throw of the dice; but it is to be, however inadequately, emptily, hopelessly into the city’s iron heart, endured. And out again, upon the unplumb’d, salt, estranging sea’.

Brilliant.

Secession Update

Secession hail from Glasgow in Scotland, and the story that surrounds them is typical of many a local music scene. ie Fledgling bands often nick each other’s members in an attempt to find that hidden magic formula.

Various musicians and vocalists later of Reef, Kula Shaker and Toploader all played together in different permutations of the same band when growing up, for example - and somewhat more illustriously, two members of Secession would very soon go on to be in another Glasgow band cited by Kurt Cobain to be a major influence on his songwriting.

Before the Nirvana part of this story however, let us first note that information concerning Secession is not exactly easy to find. Their unofficial myspace site has only managed to scrape together a pretty lonesome 15 friends :

http://www.myspace.com/secessiongroup

Worse, all the information they give about the band was just copied and pasted from their extremely brief Wikipedia entry. This entry has the definite whiff of an ironic inside job about it, as it includes everybody’s middle initial in a (very successful) attempt to confuse Google - and (at the time of writing, please see the note at the bottom of this article) describes another Secession song called ‘Sneakyville’ rather knowingly as ‘a popular dance hit about the Charles Manson Family murders’ :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secession_(band)

Now, the above link also claims that Secession’s lovely gruff vocalist - Peter Thomson - sadly died in the late 1990’s.

Interestingly however, a reasonably well known Scottish artist - also called Peter Thomson - graduated from the Glasgow School Of Art one year after Secession were formed, apparently disappeared for the entire length of their existence, then only started doing any actual exhibitions one year after they split up… which is six years after he graduated. This Peter Thomson is alive and painting so, even if it isn’t Peter from Secession, it is still one fuck of a coincidence :

http://www.compassgallery.co.uk/cg-exhibitions-7.htm

Hmmm… anyway, although it will come as no surprise that nobody’s tried to make the above vaguely dodgy link with Secession before, it will probably come as a bit of a surprise that nobody also seems to have noticed the following…

Nirvana Update

The drummer in Secession is a chap called Charlie Kelly and the bassist is called James Seenan.

Charlie’s brother is called Eugene. A friend of Eugene’s called Frances McKee was once in a band, called The Pretty Flowers, with both Sean Dickson soon to be from the Soup Dragons and Norman Blake soon to be from Teenage Fanclub. This band split and eventually Frances started a band with Eugene called The Vaselines.

Eugene then asked his brother Charlie and his friend James - both from Secession - if they wanted to join too, and they said yes :

http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Towers/7085/index.html

The Vaselines went on to be Not Very Famous At All At The Time, but were that previously mentioned major musical influence on Kurt Cobain, and their reputation has only grown. Indeed, according to the biography ‘Heavier Than Heaven’ Kurt even named his daughter after one of The Vaselines : Frances Bean Cobain. To help you realise how long ago all this was, here is a picture of Frances with her mother these days :

http://tinyurl.com/2kkot6

Anyway, as well as recording a few of their songs with Nirvana, Kurt also invited Eugene Kelly onstage at the 1991 Reading Festival for a duet of The Vaseline’s song Molly’s Lips - a moment Kurt would later claim to be one of the greatest moments of his life. There is a more in depth look at this relationship, along with a nice picture of Kurt singing with Eugene, here :

http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Towers/7085/index.html

And Finally…

James went on to record in a few bands like The Painkillers and Suckle with Frances McKee - but has since gone missing.

Charlie went on playing with his brother Eugene in Captain America (later renamed Eugenius) and hasn’t disappeared as such - but with his myspace profile set to ‘Private’ details are certainly sparse :

http://www.myspace.com/charlieboykelly

Which only leaves Carole Branston… so presuming that she didn’t retire to her family’s mansion to count her Branston Pickle millions - Carole, where are you ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 3 pounds and 9 pennies. They’ll never understand the joy this gave me - as the last time anything was worth more than this was six weeks ago, with Boys Wonder

Current profit : 143 pounds and 70 pence. Want a copy of their allegedly superb only album, ‘A Dark Enchantment’? It’ll cost you - usually 80 quid or more - but here, thanks a generous exchange rate, is a cheap one for 50 : http://www.amazon.com/A-Dark-Enchantment/dp/B0009E5YJY EDIT - Friday 23rd November. Well, there was one there. But one of you appears to have bought it.

Supporting Cast Update : Sisters Of Mercy; New Order; Reef; Kula Shaker; Toploader; Kurt Cobain; Nirvana; Eugene Kelly; Frances McKee; The Soup Dragons; Teenage Fanclub

I Am Not The Beatles Update : As you have probably already noticed, a very lovely person called Funk Police appears to have updated the Wikipedia link with more inside information than you can possibly imagine, thus making all my speculation above look really rather silly. It’s about bloody time though isn’t it? All I ever seem to do is moan about Wikipedia, and then never actually do anything about it. Thank you Funk Police… whoever you are. Oh, and thank you also to Margaret - Peter’s widow - for contacting us  and being incredibly lovely. Pop off to the comments to see how it all unfolded.

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

The most worrying fact and figure concerning ‘Facts and Figures’ is that, despite all appearances to the contrary, it contains only one actual fact and absolutely no figures.

The one fact in question pops up at the beginning of the second verse where Hugh quietly explains that, when it comes to the history of the planet, more people have been killed in the act of warfare than as a direct result of the British road network.

Although undeniably true, Hugh did promise us some figures to go with his facts but then suddenly suffers from a bizarre coyness and refuses to give us any usable data to work with. He therefore only has himself to blame if we feel slightly suspicious, as he first blithely informs us that car related deaths number somewhere around a ‘few’, whilst the comparison to warfare yields a somewhat hazy ‘many more’.

The end result is a general feeling of apathy and sloppy reporting on Hugh’s part, which doesn’t fill you with any real confidence that he has done even the most basic research into his chosen subject.

Elsewhere, you suspect Hugh would make a rather excellent politician as he keeps presenting things as stone cold certifiable facts when they are anything but.

‘If all the food that wasn’t ate was spread around the world,’ yawns an obviously bored Hugh mere moments into this song, ‘No-one would have to work a single day’

Ignoring the terrifyingly bad grammar, this maybe true if you’re lucky enough to make your money from being a singer/songwriter - but what if you are employed in the food delivery business ?

These poor forgotten beings would still have to work in this new food related distribution programme - and would probably spend their lives contemptuously surveying the rest of us who just sit around all day on our fat arses complaining that they’re running slightly late.

The more you consider his proposition the more you realise that not only is it definitely not a fact, it is also totally unworkable - with Hugh essentially suggesting a class ridden state of those who do work and those who don’t. The food producers would certainly still need to get up at 6am every day wouldn’t they - and don’t get me started on the massive amount of admin needed to make sure everyone got their fair share, or the lawyers required to help in cases of litigation where people felt their concerns over their particular food allocation were being ignored.

All in all it’s a massive undertaking.

And that, my friends, is a fact.

I Figure You Have Some Facts About Hugh ?

Hugh was, of course, the lead singer of The Stranglers before he finally left in 1990. Exact reasons for his exit from the band are long, varied and contentious so - seeing as this is after all about Hugh and not them - I think we’ll just stick with his version of events : “I got bored.”

http://www.chaoscontrol.com/current/hughcornwell/index.php

Hugh and The Stranglers still aren’t talking incidentally - and feelings about that whole period still run rather high. In the above interview, for example, Hugh claims

“The drummer was using a drum machine in the studio the whole time, you couldn’t get him to play live drums in the studio. And I hear he’s still doing that.”

Ouch.

Meanwhile JJ Burnel, the drummer in question counters, “I found it cynical that he also redid No More Heroes and Golden Brown…. He’s sold 700 copies of his latest album. It’s not enough to pay the mortgage. He’s become bitter.”

http://www.punk77.co.uk/groups/stranglersjjburnelin054.htm

Ooof.

Anyway, away from all that stuff we’ll never get to the bottom of, you’ll be glad to know that Hugh is alive and well and still recording and touring. He has released an exhaustive 45 track triple live CD recently which mixes a few Stranglers songs, and many more written since then :

http://tinyurl.com/3djy8d

You can check out all the latest Hugh related stuff at his website :

http://www.hughcornwell.com/

And see when he might be visiting somewhere near you, here :

http://www.hughcornwell.com/live.html

Can You Prove Hugh’s Road Death / Warfare Fact ?

Yes.

On average 3400 people are killed every year in road accidents - although this is falling and the UK has a very good safety rate compared to places like Australia and the United States. An astoundingly high figure though this is, over 20 million people were killed in World War I alone :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_War_I

http://www.statistics.gov.uk/cci/nugget.asp?id=1208

See, that didn’t take too much effort did it Hugh ?

Two More Facts

a) This song was taken from the soundtrack for the Raymond Briggs animated film ‘When The Wind Blows’. Indeed, there is even a pretty hastily written middle 8 in it which namechecks the film, which has a slight air of desperation about it.

Many consider the subject matter of ‘When The Wind Blows’ to be much darker than his previous effort (’The Snowman’) dealing as it does with two elderly people who are slowly dying of radiation sickness after a nuclear war. However, the aforementioned previous film concerns itself with a boy who lets a complete stranger take him to visit Father Christmas at a secret location before attending a party entirely populated by snowmen.

That sounds pretty fucking horrific too so, in this case, morality is most definitely your vanity.

Raymond doesn’t have his own website - which I kind of respect in this day and age - but the best fan site I could find is here :

http://www.toonhound.com/briggs.htm

b) The piano solo on this song is played by Jools Holland… and it’s dreadful. Admittedly it isn’t helped by the fact that it sounds like the bassist dropped his bass on the floor whilst simultaneously knocking coffee all over Jools’ keyboard - and the resulting ’solo’ is merely Jools wiping the keys with a duster to get it all off again, but really.

Three Important Figures

Cost: 8 pence

Current Value : 1 pound and 98 pence - although some people want up to 9 quid for it

Current Profit : 140 pounds and 76 pence. We finally get out of those dull 130’s. That was fucking torture.

Supporting Cast Update : Stranglers, The ; Holland, Jools; Burnel, JJ

EDIT : Did you spot the mistake ? Click here to pop off to Corrections and Clarifications….

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

If the love song you choose to compose for the object of your affections contains a repeated stated desire to ‘talk the language of love’ with your intended, then you had better take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and bloody well make sure that :

a) You are actually Barry White, or

b) You have a pretty stonking chorus hidden somewhere on your person which is big enough to take everybody’s minds off those slightly dodgy verses.

Bearing in mind that one thing Wang Chung most definitely are not is the former, then it is pretty darn lucky for them that they are in full possession of a strikingly wonderful latter.

Without that chorus we would be forced to spend these moments together examining the verses, sadly ruminating on how the vocalist sounds like a creepy old geography teacher who has finally managed to corner you alone after class. Sweating profusely in front of you, he runs through an increasingly desperate list of locations where he imagines you may feel safe enough to meet him after school. In his mind, however, there is only one satisfactory outcome such a meeting would ever inspire : a quick handjob in the back of his Volvo Estate.

With that chorus though we can forgive this man his foolish indiscretions and focus instead on the fact that rarely have the four words Let’s, Go, Baby and C’mon ever been used to better effect.

Indeed, so incredibly successful is this four word part of the chorus that each time it comes your way it sounds for all the world like a party you definitely don’t want to miss. The somewhat surprising outcome of all of this is that your entire being can suddenly think of nothing better than going anywhere with Wang Chung, even if it does involve slipping into the back of their Volvo Estate - and even if they insist on calling you ‘baby’ for the duration of your visit.

It all adds up to a masterclass in distraction and misdirection. The writers even fully understand that no matter how good their chorus may actually be, it will never be enough to stop you feeling slightly dirty by the time that outro fades out.

But they also know that is exactly how you like to feel… isn’t it, baby?

Wang Chung, Well Hung ?

I couldn’t possibly comment. Surprisingly, all information on the exact size of Wang Chung’s respective packages is in shockingly short supply.

I can however 100% confidentally report that both members of this band are definitely and definitively male.

Are You Sure ?

Absolutely.

I have checked and re-checked this fact and, as well as that aforementioned fabulous chorus, the main duo of Jack Hues and Nick Feldman are also both in possession of some fine penises - presumably numbering somewhere in the vicinity of one each.

I am not making that mistake again.

Why ‘Wang Chung‘ ?

In interviews throughout their career the band explained their name was a derivation of Huang Chung (indeed, their first album was even released under the band name Huang Chung) which they claimed in Chinese meant ‘perfect pitch’. Although this is vaguely true, the full story is actually far more interesting…

The Huang Chung is best described as the underlying fundamental tone of the universe, or the sound of the beginning of creation itself. This sound surrounds us at a low level at all times and, when trying to discover what this fundamental tone sounded like (during the reign of emperor Huang-Ti, approx. 2698 BC), it was given the physical form of a yellow bell. It was from this resulting instrument that mathematical calculations were formulated in order to come up with the Chinese musical scale.

Before this moment no real agreed musical scale existed, so it was revolutionary to say the least. Also, seeing as this scale was apparently based upon the theoretical fundamental tone of the entire universe, it immediately made all music a precious and sacrosanct undertaking.

Gosh. Where Can I Buy A Yellow Bell ?

You can’t - for the very good reason that none exist.

Although we definitely know that the yellow bell measured 9 inches in length, the person who made it unfortunately neglected to tell us what it’s actual volume was - which certainly seems like a pretty major oversight in retrospect. Unfortunately we only know that the volume was 177,147 somethings… so, as this really rather important measurement isn’t specified, we’re buggered.

Read a more in depth version of what I just said, without the word ‘buggered’ in, here :

http://yellowbellmusic.com/history-phil.php

Incidentally, this emperor Huang-Ti was a busy chap - he also invented astrology :

http://www.chineseastrology.com/wu/whatis.html

Where Are Wang Chung ?

They are disappointingly easy to find as like countless others before them they have now reformed, and you can read and listen to all their latest at the following link. If you’ve ever wanted to hear Wang Chung sing the line “Can’t anybody stop the juice?”, your prayers are about to be answered - as this link also contains a really quite astounding cover version of Nelly’s ‘Hot In Herre’ :

http://www.myspace.com/wangchungtheband

They had a few hits before this song with ‘Dance Hall Days Are Over’ and ‘Everybody Have Fun Tonight’ but were then bigger in America than the UK. Let’s Go! actually charted in the US - reaching the dizzying heights of number 9, no less.Watch and listen to ‘Dance Hall Days Are Over’, here :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ernCPFVe8wU

And ‘Everybody Have Fun Tonight’, here :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMylfkSDKV0

In the years after that the highlights seem to be that Nick formed a band called Promised Land with Jon Moss from Culture Club, and then became an A&R manager for Warner Music. Meanwhile Jack was a member of Strictly Inc with Tony Banks of (rather appropriately, considering the origins of Wang Chung’s name) Genesis.

Perhaps most importantly though, they both became fathers during this time - thus finally proving my Wang Chung Definitely Have Penises theory once and for all.

http://www.wangchung.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wang_Chung_(band)

Thank God for that.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 1 pound and 91 pence

Current Profit : 138 pounds and 86 pence. Bloody hell, we’ve been stuck in the 130’s for ages.

Supporting cast Update : Banks, Tony; Moss, Jon ; Genesis.

 

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Hello. I am Jimmy The Hoover’s teddy bear.

Hello Jimmy The Hoover’s teddy bear, what a lovely outfit you’re wearing today.

Oh, thanks very much. I call it my ‘Bandana Street Spectacular’ .

‘Bandana Street’, eh ? I don’t think I’ve heard of that part of town. What goes on there ?

Well, whenever my fellow cuddly toys and I feel like trying to ’stop the city’ and ‘turn it upside down’, we dress up in our best leather gear, shades and bandanas and pop off for a quick bit of ‘ cruising underground’ - very often with a view to having a ‘1 to 1 in the dark.’

Errr… I don’t think I follow you.

It’s very straightforward. Initially there’s quite a bit of standing around ‘looking hard’, but as the evening wears on you spend your time trying to find somebody who wants you to ‘use it’.

Sorry, you’ve completely lost me. Use what precisely ?

You know….(the teddy bear points to his teddy bear groin) ….‘It’ .

Oh I see. That certainly gives a new meaning to the phrase ‘Teddy Bears Picnic’ doesn’t it. Well good for you Jimmy The Hoover’s teddy bear, it’s always nice to have a hobby - particularly one which involves meeting other people. Just one question though : seeing as you are a teddy bear, do you actually have an ‘it’ to ‘use’ hidden inside those leather trousers of yours ?

Errr… no… No I don’t. (Whispers) I am more of a voyeur, to be honest.

Is ‘Bandana Street’ Just Another ‘Velvet Avenue’ ?

Not really, no. But if you are spending your evening looking for either then your desired end result is presumably pretty similar.

Depending on the colour of the bandana you are wearing and where on your person you are choosing to wear it, you can advertise to all the lucky people around you that wish to participate in such exciting activities as spanking, bondage and… errr… ‘cock and ball torture’. There is even a lime green bandana allocated for ‘Sitophila’ - which apparently is either ‘dining on someone, or being dined off of’, which all sounds rather fun.

As systems go it certainly cuts out all that unnecessary chit chat with people at the bar who have absolutely no intention of ejaculating into your earlobe by the urinals within the next half an hour or so - and it also avoids that dreadful embarrassment we’ve all faced when you’re invited back for coffee only to find that your hot date is unexpectedly rimming you into oblivion, when you were really just up for a quick snog and a cup of cocoa if you’re being honest.

Interestingly, Wikipedia claims a similar code was common in the mid and late nineteenth century among those hardworking but obviously oh-so randy ‘cowboys, steam road engineers and miners’ :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handkerchief_code

Whilst here are some updated codes theoretically from the 70’s :

http://ilovethisworld.com/?p=854

http://www.gaycityusa.com/hankycodes.htm

If your interest is piqued and the above links don’t satiate all your bandana related sex needs, then the following article is a rather good read - as it indicates that doctored Nike sports shoes have also been used to convey very similar titillating titbits :

http://www.xtribe.net.au/index2.php

Hang on a minute, Jimmy The Hoover’s teddy bear is wearing a bandana on the cover - does this mean we can find out what is he into ?

Yes it does.

That innocent looking teddy bear who rather coyly claimed to be just a ‘voyeur’ was in fact withholding a rather vital part of sexual information. By wearing a red bandana on his right arm he actually is telling you, the listener, that he really wouldn’t mind sticking his paw up your arse.

I hope he’s machine washable.

Gosh. Tell Me About Jimmy The Hoover

Well, they famously had a hit before this with the excellent ‘Tantalise’ - but were then dropped when the follow up singles all failed to chart.

They were initially both named and managed by Malcolm Mclaren and consisted off Derek Dunbar (vocals), Karla Maddog (drums), Simon Barber (Keyboards), Flinto Chandia (Bass) and a mysterious chap called just ‘Mark’ on guitar.

Interestingly, nobody knows what the name ‘Jimmy The Hoover’ actually means - although it is possible that you or I could make a well informed, if scurrilous, guess.

What Happened Next ?

Maddog the drummer left the country in the 80’s due to a lack of work permit. However, you have to work hard to discover this fact as his webpage is fucking horrible :

http://maddogx_78.tripod.com

If you click on ‘Maddog in The UK’ at the bottom of the page you will find out all about his involvement with Jimmy The Hoover. It is really interesting but, I warn you now, you have to battle with a rather ill advised bright red typeface IN CAPITAL LETTERS on a shimmering blue background. To help prevent your eyeballs from melting, for our purposes this is the important bit :

“A MISTAKE WAS MADE IN CHOOSING THE 2ND SINGLE(IT DIED) AND INNERVISION DROPPED US… WE HAD A SONG CALLED YO JIMBO THAT WAS IN A SIMILAR STYLE TO TANTALISE AND THE RECORD COMPANY WANTED THAT TO BE SINGLE NUMBER 2. BUT WE HAD AN ELECTRO FUNK SONG CALLED BANDANA STREET AND THAT’S WHAT DEREK AND SIMON WANTED. THE MANAGER TRIED TO EXPLAIN THE STRATEGY TO THEM BUT THEY DIDN’T UNDERSTAND. FINALLY OUR MANAGER TOOK A POLL AMONGST HIS STAFF:B-STREET OR YO JIMBO? UNFORTUNATELY THEY PICKED BANDANA STREET, SO OUR MANAGER PUSHED IT WITH THE COMPANY WHO GAVE IN. IT DIED A QUIET DEATH AND WE WERE DROPPED FROM THE LABEL. ”

Incidentally, the more you look at his website the more strange and frustrated Maddog appears, as one second he is begging you to email him and offer him some drumming work - whilst the next he is posting semi-erotic pictures of women from Sweden, Milan and…errr… Uxbridge that he claims find him bed wettingly attractive :

http://maddogx_78.tripod.com/photostwo.html

A much happier chap these days, despite suffering from a similar work permit debacle, is the bassist Flinto Chandia. He is now a much sought after sculptor in Zambia.

http://www.artshost.org/insaka/artpgs/flinto.htm

I really like Flinto, mainly because he gives the kind of answer to the question “When were you happiest?” that I can only dream of. His reply?

“Being on stage performing on Top of the Pops in 1983 in London …. and being on top of Mount Kilimanjaro in 1989.”

Wouldn’t you just love to be able to give an answer like that ?

The last person found is Mr Bandana himself, Derek, who apparently has been working in a shop called World’s End for ages - this is a flagship store for Vivienne Westwood (coincidentally Malcolm Mclaren’s ex) in London. Want to see a nice picture of it ?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/30831346@N00/492972479

If you do go off searching for the remaining two Jimmy The Hooverers I couldn’t find (Simon and Mark), don’t be put off by the random stories you will quickly discover on the internet saying one member of this band is dead - this is but a red herring and actually refers to Maddog who just disappeared for a while. As he says on his website with his typical understated typeface and tone :

I AM MADDOG THE ONLY DRUMMER THAT COUNTS ….PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS DEAD BUT I’M NOT

Quite.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : A mere 1 pound and twenty pennies. It’s disappointing to say the least after all that sexual excitement.

Current profit : 137 pounds and three pence. Oh, I almost forgot, the free single with this is a remix of their big hit ‘Tantalise’ which is very unusual in a rather good way. ie It is actually better than the original. Take a listen :

The fact that this remix is so bloody good shouldn’t perhaps be that surprising, as it is done by a chap called David Motion - a man who also produced the classic ‘Since Yesterday’ by Strawberry Switchblade : http://tinyurl.com/yuavd4

David is now one of Britain’s most successful composers for commercial advertising - and has even collaborated recently with the very famous Evelyn Glennie : http://tinyurl.com/2e4b3n

Now, where can I buy myself a lime green bandana?

Supporting Cast Update : Mclaren, Malcolm ; Westwood, Vivienne

 

EDIT: Please click on the comments to find out what is embarrassingly wrong with the above, and for an update on Derek, Karla and (the previously thought missing) Simon, pop off to ‘Corrections and Clarifications’ by clicking here.