I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

The Intro

It starts with a musical reference which is as strange as it is unexpected. Recognise the rhythm of that one note synth intro ? I promise you now, your ears aren’t deceiving you - yes, it really is a recreation of the beginning of ‘Congratulations’ by Cliff Richard.

Now, as well as this being a strange and unexpected way to start any song that isn’t actually ‘Congratulations’ by Cliff Richard, it is also of course an incredibly clever thing to use in this particular instance. This song is called ‘Pride Of Winning’ after all and, when you win something people very often say ‘Congratulations’ - which also presumably makes you ‘as happy as can be’.

The Song

Once you’ve got over the shock of the Cliff Richard allusion, the other astounding thing about this record is vocalist Brian Atherton’s Really Rather Posh Baritone.

When you first experience his low articulate warble, it is almost impossible to supress a giggle at the overbearing silliness of it all - sounding, as it does, like a young Harry Secombe singing an elocution lesson. However, if you listen to this rather pleasant song more than once you can end up becoming rather enamoured.

If this happens to you, as it did to me, then you are in real trouble as what happens next is this :

a) You can’t imagine this song sung in any other way - indeed, you can’t even imagine there is any other way to sing. Then

b) Whilst out buying a replacement windscreen wiper for your car in Halford’s, you will suddenly notice that all the other customers are looking at you in a slightly funny way. Only then do you notice that you have actually been singing this song out loud to yourself for the past five minutes in your own approximation of Brian’s Really Rather Posh Baritone. What’s more, you sound more like that blonde bloke from G4 doing an impression of Nana Mouskouri being played at half speed than you’d care to admit.

Whatever Happened To Brian ?

Well, one thing is for sure : Brian was certainly quite well connected as it appears that Eddie Lundon - one of the founding members of China Crisis - played guitar on this song.

Also, it was recorded in Amazon Studios in Liverpool where alot of the great and the good have also recorded. Loads of people from Echo and The Bunnymen to James to New Order have all done stuff there. It still exists, by the way - renamed as Parr Street Studios - and claims to be the largest studio in the UK outside of London :

http://www.parrstreet.co.uk/

Want a more exhaustive list of people who have recorded there ? For reasons that I still don’t fully understand, the list of luminaries includes Mystic Meg :

http://www.parrstreet.co.uk/artists.htm

Brian Atherton isn’t the most common name in the world, but it still takes time tracking down the right one. This Brian Atherton is a ‘dark brooding man heavily into martial arts’ :

http://www.shawnolson.net/smo/friends/brian/index.html

But it’s not our Brian. Whilst another Brian Atherton has written a book about the Red Paint People - a pre Columbian indigenous culture in North America :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Paint_People

Off topic I know, but actually that’s really interesting. Here is another fascinating article about a whole group of people I’d never heard of until today :

http://seacoastnh.com/history/prehistoric/redpaint.html

Again though, sadly, this is yet another Brian. However…

Brian Found !

Brian was originally a member of a band called Box Of Toys, who managed that most Holy Grail of Musical Holy Grail’s in 1983 - ie they recorded a Peel Session:

http://tinyurl.com/2rdjaa

After that he recorded a bit as The Light , now writes bits and bobs for TV and adverts - and lives in Brazil. Actually, he wasn’t that hard to track down to be honest, he’s on myspace :

Brian On Myspace

Incidentally, he’s playing a gig in a couple weeks in a place called Novo in Sao Paulo - if you just happen to find yourself in the area - and helpfully he also has another webpage with stuff about The Light on it here :

http://www.thelightatherton.piczo.com

On it he asks if you have ever heard any of his songs, and you can feedback immediately via a webform thing. So if you want to be nice - and who doesn’t want to be nice ? - you could pop over there right away and say that, yes, you have heard one of his songs.

It was called ‘Pride Of Winning’, and bloody pleasant it was too.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 2 pounds and a penny

Current Profit : 135 pounds and 91 pence.

Supporting Cast Update : Echo and The Bunnymen - James - New Order - Red Paint People - John Peel

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

When you first listen to this song it appears that Mark, the lead singer of Ten Ten, is worried that he is a rather precise one million miles away from where he wants to be.

On further listens, however, it becomes clear that this is really only a side issue. What Mark is actually most upset about is the fact that ‘there is nothing to bring (him) back today’. He is, in other words, moaning about the lack of transport laid on for his journey home.

This is surely the most middle class complaint we have had yet - bringing to mind somebody who has just spent the last 8 weeks swaning around India ‘finding themselves’, only to then loudly complain at the end of their trip that the flight which should be getting them the hell out of there is not leaving precisely when it should.

Meanwhile, the rest of us look on jealously from our crap jobs thinking we would quite happily spend a day or two stuck at some godforsaken airport - if it meant we could also afford to have such a marvellous holiday in the first place.

Ungrateful bastard.

If Mark really was a million miles away… where would he actually be ?

http://tinyurl.com/346a3n

” bridgnd is alrite lyk but wats wiv the whole chavs against goth thing y do goths always have a go at us chavs 4 i aint bein funny but i got betta things to do then dis goths or listen to their pathetic comlaints about chavs get a grib lik luvz bridgend great lyk charl coles n bevz u starz xxxxxxmelxxxxxxxxx “

I wonder what ‘get a grib’ means ?

Anyway, if Mark did phone in distress to say he was desperate to see me but stuck in Bridgend with no hope of rescue, I think I would rather reasonably instruct him to do the following :

a) Calm down and take a deep breath. It’s only Bridgend in Wales, and I quite like Wales. Why not have a beer to collect your thoughts ? The Pelican looks quite nice :

http://www.pelicanpub.co.uk/thepelicanpub-og.html

b) Point him in the direction of the 146 bus which would take him from Bridgend to Cardiff within a matter of minutes :

http://tinyurl.com/248dr

c) Ask him to take a perfectly pleasant stroll to the very pretty Cardiff Castle and… get the Megabus to London :

http://megabus.com/uk/timetables/cardiff_london_bus.php

Sure, it takes a while but, hey, it only costs a tenner - and that’s three quid less than Sonya Grier.

If, even after all that, Mark was still bitching about making the journey to see me, I guess I would have no choice but to end it there and then. Long distance relationships are hard at the best of times, but if you can’t be bothered to make the effort…

Where are Ten Ten ?

Sadly all the band members have disappeared… except for one : Don Ruzek, the guitarist, is still around. Want to buy his fishing rod ?

http://www.pxlpilot.com/don/forsale.html

I doubt Don gives a stuff what you think about his old band, by the way - as he appears to live in one of the most beautiful places on the planet. If you don’t believe me, take at look at his photos :

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ruzek/291818164/

Lovely, eh ? Also, rather brilliantly, Don has uploaded an old picture of Ten Ten supporting Simply Red and Simple Minds :

http://tinyurl.com/3axn3a

Whilst here they are talking to an unnervingly young looking Michael Hutchence :

http://tinyurl.com/2lmpkn

And Finally…

It turns out that this is actually a cover version of an incredibly highly rated song written by a band called The Plimsouls. Indeed, alot of people rate this not just the best lost rock song of the eighties - but the best rock song full stop. I know nothing about them or this song so here is my, and possibly your, education :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Plimsouls

http://www.trouserpress.com/entry.php?a=plimsouls

http://tinyurl.com/2m28fw

Want to hear a snippet of the original ? It’s really rather good - but you have to wait a while to hear it. It is used in the 1983 movie, Valley Girl. In this clip, they play another song called The Oldest Story In The World, then this one :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfCMJ_VFbhM

Whilst here they are reformed, playing it live just a few months back :

http://tinyurl.com/25f7f5

Do you have a sudden desire to hear this song sung by children - rather like a Langley School of Mini S-Club 7 Pops ? One of the reviews says : ” This is fuckn disgusting. Complete disrespect for the orig version. Im going to shit all over myself now” - so it’s definitely worth your while :

http://youtube.com/watch?v=AUx03CLzkdA

Oh, and here are the chords so you can strum it dejectedly in your bedroom :

http://tinyurl.com/227zso

Incidentally, the singer of The Plimsouls was a chap called Peter Case… so, for the sake of completeness, here is what he does now when not reforming his old band :

http://www.petercase.com/

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 1 pound and 28 pennies. A veritable million miles away in value compared to Harold, at the top.

Current Profit : 133 pounds and 98 pence… Oh, do want a copy of the Ten Ten album ? Somebody has uploaded it here if you do.

Supporting Cast Update : Simply Red - Simple Minds

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Miltary HQ

The sergeant sits behind a desk. A soldier runs in breathlessly.

Quick sir, you’ve got to help.

What is it soldier ?

It’s the army sir. It’s in distress.

(Decisively) Right. I have dealt with exactly this kind of thing before, and what you have to promise me son is that no matter what happens - don’t get low about the situation, OK ?

Don’t get low, Sergeant ?

That’s what I said, soldier.

Forgive me if you think I am speaking out of turn here Sergeant, but the army is surrounded and hopelessly outnumbered. Thousands of our best men and women are about to die, and you are asking to me not to get low about it ?

This is more complicated than you realise. But can I just say we are a … (he leans forward secretively, and taps his nose) ‘Generation of Loneliness’.

A ‘Generation of Loneliness’, Sergeant ?

That’s what I said, soldier.

Errr… isn’t that the title of a 1987 single recorded by Rupert Everett sir ?

Yes soldier. Yes it is.

Our army and, as a consequence, possibly our very way of life is about to be annihilated and you are quoting Rupert Everett at me ?

I am afraid it’s worse than that.

What could possibly be worse than that ?

I think you’d better sit down.

(The soldier sits.)

(Whispers) Look son, not only am I quoting the title of a 1987 single released by erstwhile actor Rupert Everett… we both actually are that song.

We are that song, Sergeant ?

(Sighing) That’s what I said, soldier.

(confused) Oh, I see… errr… I think. So how long is this song within which we exist ?

Just over three and a half minutes, son.

Then we have less time than I thought - we need to act decisively and quickly. Sergeant, what are we going to do about the army in distress ?

Well, luckily ‘Generation Of Loneliness’ is very clear in this regard. Our chorus quite plainly states that if we ’see an army in distress… don’t get low’.

Isn’t that more than just a little self centred, sir ?

I wouldn’t know, son - we’re soldiers, and we follow orders.

Great, so we do nothing… and what happens after three and a half minutes of us doing nothing except not getting low about it all?

We… slowly fade out. To nothing.

Good God.

( Doing his best ‘Deck Of Cards’ Wink Martindale impression) You see soldier, our existence is really a metaphor for the human condition. Every single person on this planet is initially pressed, then packaged and eventually released to sing for their three and a half minutes of existence. For these brief shining moments human beings can show the world who they really are. Then, like the countless anonymous billions before them, they too will eventually fade… to nothing. But here is the key : the really lucky ones are given a darn good chorus to sing.

(swallowing hard and almost in tears) Do we have a good chorus, sir ?

No soldier. No, we don’t. But promise me something : don’t get low about that.

OK ?

What’s The Song Like ?

It is a song which is a little bit too worried about its own mortgage, and forever glancing over the fence to see if next door’s got a better car or not.

In an era where property is identity and socialism a dirty word, it’s time may well have just come again…

Where Is Rupert ?

Rupert is, of course Very Famous Indeed - even if for the life of me I can’t quite remember exactly why. Was he in that film about pretending to a woman’s boyfriend or something, even though the character was hilariously gay ? I have no idea, so fuck it, let’s look at IMDB :

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000391/

Have you seen many films on that list ?

I wonder if he knows the exact reason why he’s famous ?

Anyway, he is about to be in yet another film - St Trinian’s :

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6675169.stm

I am not trying to be clever here, by the way - I just truly cannot remember and, bizarrely, IMDB jogged no memories at all…

Oh well, here’s a picture of him with Andy Warhol and Bianca Jagger instead :

http://www.richardyoungonline.com/ilovery/photos/11964?letters=y

Nice Cover ?

Yes it is. Ignore the front cover where Rupert looks like your gran, and pop straight to the back. It is a photograph taken by Werner Bischof in 1947. Werner died in 1954, but his works on the devastation and recovery in Post World War II Europe made him one of the foremost photojournalists of the time.

http://www.wernerbischof.com/

http://tinyurl.com/2qlm37

Interesting innit ?

And Finally ?

Rupert actually wrote this song with a chap called Bruce Woolley. Bruce has been involved in loads of stuff from Buggles to The Orb - but currently plays with the Radio Science Orchestra :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruce_Woolley

http://www.myspace.com/brucewoolley

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 1 very small pound and 15 lonely pennies.

Current Profit : 132 pounds and 77 pence.

Supporting Cast Update : Buggles - Orb, The - Martindale, Wink

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Britpop happened a long time ago.

The first time I heard Oasis for example, was on a free cassette given away by the NME just before their first single was released. It was a demo version of Cigarettes and Alcohol - and I thought it was the biggest load of crap I had ever heard.

I was wrong of course - the biggest load of crap I had ever heard would actually be released by Oasis much later in their career - but with that fact acknowledged let us instead focus on the most important word in the previous paragraph. The first time I ever heard Oasis was on a cassette. I slotted this cassette into a non-digital Sony Walkman which contained moving parts specifically designed for playing cassettes.

It is even possible that I pressed a small button marked ‘Dolby’.

At the time I probably looked not unlike Cliff Richard on the cover of his album ‘Wired For Sound‘ - within which he excitedly informs the populace that when it comes to era defining issues such as making a choice between the classic ‘tall speakers’ and those new fangled ’small speakers’, he didn’t really have much of a preference.

Yes, Britpop really did happen quite a long time ago.

Now, we can all argue about the details of exactly what single or which band first kicked Britpop off, but one thing is certain : somewhere around the time period I slipped that cassette into my Walkman, Britpop definitely happened.

Another thing we can also say with 100% certainty is that Britpop definitely wasn’t attempting to happen in 1987, and that it definitely wasn’t being played by a band called Boys Wonder. Or can we ? One listen to this really rather excellent song may well make you change your mind.

Let us check the Important Component Britpop Parts :

Silly over the top comedy cockernee singing accent ? Check.

Gallagher style stick on eyebrows years before they were socially acceptable ? Absolutely.

A real feeling that this could have actually been written by Chas and Dave ? Oh yes.

In fact, this record is so wondrously correct in it’s recreation of future events, it brings to mind previous I Am Not the Beatler’s Wild Weekend whose only crime was to also release a totally perfect pop record - but a few years too early.

Both songs are thrillingly wonderful, neither have dated and both would be hits if they were released next week.

So why doesn’t somebody do it ?

I (ahem) Wonder Where The Boys Are Now ?

There is an excellent Boys Wonder interview from 1987 here :

http://www.chrishunt.biz/features38.html

It is interesting in many ways, but the main highlight is the Union Jack conversation - which doesn’t just pre-date Britpop, but also that whole Morrissey debacle which took place a few years later.

Beyond that, those of you with your ear to ground will of course already know that two members of Boys Wonder went on to form Corduroy, who were most mainstreamly famous for the track ‘Mini’.

But did you know that they did so with two ex-members of Dr and The Medics ?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corduroy_(band)

Did you also know that the frontman in Boys Wonder was previously the guitarist in Haircut 100 ?

http://www.myspace.com/boyswonder

Or that Corduroy like many others before them have just gone and bloody well reformed ?

http://www.corduroy.co.uk/

I certainly didn’t.

So that’s two band members sorted out, where is everyone else ?

Well, Pascal the drummer has since played with an embarrassing array of people including Bjork, Sister Sledge and somebody called Chris Biggin :

http://tinyurl.com/2krj7m

Sadly that’s Chris Biggin by the way with no ’s’ in the surname, not Christopher with :

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Shake-Up-Chris-Biggin/dp/B000231VRQ

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Biggins

And Pascal now runs Sublime Productions :

http://www.sublimeproductions.com/

Take a look. He’s done tons - although if you click on ‘News’ the last update to the website was 2004 so, for all we know, he might actually be a pig farmer by now.

Boys Wonderer Tony Barber went on to join The Buzzcocks in 1993, and toured with Nirvana amongst others :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buzzcocks

Whilst the only contender for Chris Tate I can find is in a band called Trash Money. I warn you now this is tenuous, and I am more than probably incredibly wrong as my knowledge of Trash Money is… well… zero.

In fact, I only include the possibility it may be Chris Tate because

a) Every picture I can find of the band is taken in such a way that it means they could all be 18 or 80 - and this immediately made me suspicious. And,

b) One of them is called Chris Tate.

http://www.trashmoney.co.uk/trashmoney.swf

Hmmm… Look at the chap in the Ben Volpeliere-Pierrot cap on the back cover of the Boys Wonder single, and compare it to the slightly podgier bloke at the back right of the Trash Money photo …

What do you think ?

All this just leaves Graham Jones - but, alas, he has completely disappeared. Graham ? Where are you ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Bloody Hell. Some people are charging a fortune. In fact the cheapest I can find is… 8 pounds and 86 pence. This puts it straight into 4th place valuewise - just behind lovely Sonya Grier, and just in front of manly FM’s slightly cheaty box set.

Current Profit : 131 pounds and 70 pence. Gosh. That was exciting, wasn’t it.

Supporting Cast Update : Oasis - Richard, Cliff - Chas and Dave - Beastie Boys - Dr and The Medics - Haircut 100 - Bjork - Sister Sledge - Biggin, Chris - Biggins, Christopher - The Buzzcocks - Curiosity Killed The Cat

Update Now available ! Thanks to http://www.boyswonder.co.uk, pop off to Corrections and Clarifications - we have even got a picture of Graham Jones. Gosh :

http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?page_id=308

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

This is what pop music is all about.

It’s been a while since we’ve had a good one, but your patience is about to be rewarded - as this an absolutely superb song.

It starts fearlessly - totally comfortable within and ultimately utterly transcending it’s chosen genre. It is time to put away any preconceptions you have and just nod your head along to that really quite incredible intro. It struts around your ears like a euro-pop John Travolta quite literally owning the street at the beginning of ‘Saturday Night Fever’.

That, my friends, is confidence.

Billy Vera should take some serious notes here, as the subject matter is essentially the same as his interminable ‘At This Moment’ - that of a lost love - but it has a lightness of musical touch and a yearning in the vocal that Billy can only dream of.

It is also lyrically far cleverer than it perhaps even realises itself.

The ‘beat’ we are being asked to ‘touch’ is the memory of ‘the rhythm of two hearts’ of yourself and your ex love. It also plays nicely on euro-pop conventions, using a seemingly throw away line such as ‘Touch and go’ to show the ultimate fleeting nature of your daliances. ie You touched, they left - but you still ‘need (them)… so much’.

Elsewhere, lines like ‘Real life made you think my words have already been said’ is far too deep for it’s own good, whilst “It happened on a night like this, an empty table and a silent kiss” has the kind of rhythm and measure that would make Morrissey proud.

All in all, this is a perfect example of what the best love songs should sound like - luxuriating in the bitter joy of times that now leave you empty. When this is expressed in the right way, despite the sadness and loss, it should bloody well make you smile.

Just like this song.

Could This Song Be Any Better ?

You know that recurring lyrical theme it uses in the verses : ‘It was Sound on Sound’ , ‘It was Pain on Pain’ etc - wouldn’t it have been nice if Super Enig Matix had released three separate versions of this song a la Pulp’s Something Strange with the interchangeable line ‘It was Boy on Boy’, ‘It was Girl on Girl’ and ‘It was Girl on Boy’ ?

Then you could have bought your own personalised copy depending upon your personal preference.

Where Are They Now ?

It seems the band name was taken from a song by 70’s progressive rock band ‘Be-Bop-Deluxe’ who had a song called ‘Superenigmatix (lethal appliances for the home with everything)’ on their 1978 album ‘Drastic Plastic’.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Be_Bop_Deluxe

Apart from that, I spent almost a day searching frantically but could find absolutely no reference to this band whatsoever.

But then - many hours into the search - I discovered an obscure Italian music forum talking about people’s favourite songs that nobody else knows. On it was the following short, but groundbreaking statement.

Prepare yourselves… this is incredible :

” Lunica possibilita’ di riascoltare le belle canzoni anni ‘80 rare e ormai dimenticate, e’ proprio quella di scambiarcele qui sul forum. Mi vengono in mente brani fantastici come Touch the beat dei Super Enigmatix (voce di Limahl). “

You don’t need to know much Italian to recognise two simple supporting words and one Very Important One : Voice Of Limahl.

Bloody Hell.

http://www.limahl.com/

Hmmm… The only Kajagoogoo song I own is the much underrated ‘The Lions Mouth’ but I will admit - having just given it a quick spin - there are similarities.

So, if we take this one statement written by an Italian I have never met before as pure fact, I can now tell you that Super Enig Matix’s newest single was released under his much better known guise of Limahl called ‘Tell Me Why’. You can listen to it here :

http://www.myspace.com/limahl

and watch the video here :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynTl4rh2DgQ

Which all reminds me - ‘The Never Ending Story’ is still a bit of a toe tapper isn’t it ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3khTntOxX-k

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 2 pounds and 87 pence.

Current Profit : 122 pounds and 92 pence. Incidentally, I am still not totally convinced that this is definitely lovely Limahl - so I’ve just emailed him to ask. Watch this space.

Supporting Cast Update : Kajagoogoo - Be Bop Deluxe - Travolta, John

EDIT : Update now available in ‘Corrections and Clarifications’