I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

What a fucking racket.

Heyyy … I am no ‘fucking racket’, daddio. I … am the sound of the future.

The sound of the future ?

You got it, grandpa. In the future, every song is gonna sound… just like me.

Really ? Are you Sure ?

Absolute-to-the-lee. You won’t understand me, but that is because I am not designed for oldies like you. I am here for the kids. I am here for the hepcats. I am not here… for the squares.

Errr… right. So, tell me about this brave new genre of yours.

Well, it is a place where no-one has ever travelled before. It is place where Dance shall meld with Punk. And I shall call it … ‘ Dunk ‘.

Dunk.

Yyyyip. ‘Dunk’ will be a sonic soundscape of chaos, overlayed with relentless guitars and brand new sneery shouty slogans of the like
the kids have never heard.

Such as?

” Free your mind… and your ass will follow. “

Well ‘the kids’, as you refer to them, may not recall that line but most of us do. That is the title track from the album of the same name by Funkadelic. I believe the full line goes, ” Free your mind and your ass will the follow, the kingdom of heaven is within”.

Indeed it is. Deep, eh ? That’s the joy of sampling for you.

Is it. Any vaguely challenging shouty slogans in this song that you actually wrote yourself?

Of course. How about ” We’ve got a thing, girls and boys.”

And what exactly is this ‘thing’ that you’ve got for the ‘girls and boys’?

What, apart from the ‘Dunk’ and the ‘Big Bad Noise’ ?

Yes.

Errr… not much to be honest.

Exactly.

Was This the Sound Of The Future ?

No, not really.

It wasn’t even the sound of next week.

Is This Failure A Good Thing, Or A Big Bad Noisy Thing ?

A very good thing, definitely.

Why ?

Because otherwise all the songs of the future would have sounded like
‘Sonic Boom Boy’.

Only not quite as good.

Where Are Age Of Chance ?

There are two excellent Age Of Chance websites if this is your thing.

They came from Leeds apparently :

http://www.ageofchanceinfo.co.uk/

http://www.ageofchance.com/

The second link above also provides us with the easiest tracking down of people we have had to do yet, as it tells us quite specifically that Steve now works for One 2 One Vodaphone :

http://shop.vodafone.co.uk/

Geoff does freelance work for the Grand Theatre :

http://www.leedsgrandtheatre.com/

Neil is marketing and operations manager at Sportsvine :

http://www.sportsvine.com/

And Jan is wardrobe manager for The Workshop Theatre at Leeds University :

http://www.leeds.ac.uk/theatre/

In fact the only one unaccounted for is Charlie Hutchinson,
so let’s see if we can track him down.

Could it be that Charlie was playing in the classic cricket match between Scotton and Bishop Monkton ?

http://tinyurl.com/2db27u

Or is he now perhaps a tenor in The Sanctus Choir ?

http://www.sanctuschoir.co.uk/page2.htm

Or even a member of the band ‘Pop Defect’ ?

http://home.earthlink.net/~xylol/one.htm

I am afraid that details are so scarce, I guess we’ll never know…

Incidentally there are no official releases available for you to buy at the moment, but you can download the Age Of Chance 1986 album, ‘Crush Collison’, here :

http://thesubversivesounds.blogspot.com/2007/05/age-of-chance-crush-collision.html

View the video for this song here :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mk-1q2b_FJs

And read even more about them here :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_of_Chance

Apparently the cover for their album ‘Don’t Get Mad… Get Even” was once voted one of Q magazine’s 100 best album covers of all time.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 2 big bad noisy pounds, and no fearful pennies

Current Profit : 118 pounds and 73 pence. By way of conclusion, this record reached number 65, fact fans - which put it in third place in all things charty behind Gordon and Randy.

Supporting Cast Update : Funkadelic and Westworld

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

What Do The Dolphin Brothers Think They Sound Like ?

‘Fashion’-era David Bowie.

What Do The Dolphin Brothers Actually Sound Like ?

A slightly more suave and upmarket Thompson Twins - fronted by a vaguely drunk David Sylvian.

Are They Any Good ?

Well the groove isn’t anywhere near as hypnotic as it thinks it is - sounding as it does like they are both battering seven shades of shit out of their kitchen appliances - but don’t be distracted, this record is certainly one of the more stylish ones on here.

They certainly do their best to cock it up though : employing an Alan Darby impersonator for a recreation of his slightly pointless and noisy guitar solo doesn’t really help their cause, and neither does the lack of any truly distinct chorus. But there is something about it - even if I can’t tell you exactly what that something actually is.

How Would You Describe Them ?

Like that most maligned of British institutions - the Sherbet Fountain. Sure, there is other more showy sherbet based confectionary available on the market - such as the Double Dip for example, which offers both two flavours of sherbet and a Swizzlestick. But Double Dips are everywhere in the world of music and sometimes you just crave for the classic simplicity of a nice piece of plodding liquorice and some good old plain sherbet.

So much so, despite the fact that the lack of multiple sherbet flavour options means the taste of your chosen snack won’t change at all for the four minutes it takes you to eat it, by the end you may well find yourself licking your lips and saying to yourself :

” That was lovely. I think I might have another one in a couple of weeks. ”

Looks Like A Nice Cover Too

It is a nice cover. Very tasteful.

The photograph on the front was taken by a lady called Sheila Rock. In fact, I like the blue tint so much I think I’ll try and track her down as well in a minute. I wonder if she is married to that very very rich man Bob Rock, previously of Rock and Hyde infamy ?

I Don’t Like It At All. Any Reason I Should Stick With It ?

Yes, at the very end the synth gets so bored endlessly repeating the same four bar phrase over and over again - it shoots itself.

Where Are They Now ?

Errr… this is a bit weird - as well as slightly satisfying.

The Dolphin Brothers are two chaps called Richard Barbieri and Steve Jansen. I accused the singer of sounding like a drunken David Sylvian, and it turns out that both Richard and Steve used to be in the band Japan with… David Sylvian.

What’s more, the vocalist (Steve) is actually David Sylvians’ brother.

If you want a copy of The Dolphin Brothers album, a CD is still available :

http://tinyurl.com/yumz2o

I hope Sheila didn’t take the photograph for the cover though - that pink filter they’ve used is vile.

Away from the cover, if it helps tempt you in any way, the backing vocals on the album (including the ones on this song) are all done the pretty darn famous P P Arnold :

http://www.pparnold.com/

Who is now heavily into healing :

http://www.pparnold.com/content/view/31/65/

“PP Arnold is known for her youthful looks, her boundless energy and her larger than life personality. Reiki plays an important part in all three, without it she would not be the woman she is today.”

So. There You Go.

I Don’t Care About PP Arnold’s Bloody Healing. Where Are Steve and Richard ?

Richard plays with a few bands these days including The Bays and Porcupine Tree - and also boasts that he recently programmed some of the patches for the new Roland V GT Synthesiser :

http://www.richardbarbieri.net/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Barbieri

Meanwhile, Steve still tours with his brother David, has a new solo album out himself - ‘Slope’ - and also contributed to the recent Penguin Cafe Orchestra tribute album :

http://www.stevejansen.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Jansen

And Sheila ?

Sadly she is not married to Bob, but she does seem to be unnervingly successful. Her work has appeared in numerous magazines and has been accepted into the permanent collection of the National Portrait Gallery in London :

http://tinyurl.com/2kjaug

She has also released a coffee table type book thing all about Tibetan Monks :

http://www.amazon.com/Sera-Tibetan-Monk-Sheila-Rock/dp/0231128916

“Rock discovers beauty in the simple…Her lens seems to capture another kind of light–the luminous glow from within.”

Working with ‘Shining’ 20 years ago, and with ‘Luminous Glows’ today - seems like a nice job, doesn’t it ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 2 pounds 34 pence - although some scamp is trying to sell his 12″ for 41 quid.

Current Profit : 116 pounds and 81 pence.

Supporting cast Update : Thompson Twins - Sylvian, David - Japan - Penguin Cafe Orchestra - Arnold, PP - Fountain, Sherbet - Dip, Double - Monks, Tibetan

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

What a dreadfully depressing self-referential record. It is the song that keeps on taking - and never gives anything back.

“Look at me!” shouts the cover, “I am Nils Lofgren! I can do backflips whilst playing my guitar ! “

“No No No! Listen to meee !” screams the song, “I am a song that pretends to be about something else, but really my subject matter is actually about the fact that Nils Lofgren can do backflips whilst playing his guitar! Sometimes he even performs this song which is about him being able to do backflips whilst playing his guitar whilst, at the same time, actually doing backflips whilst playing his guitar! “

It is not, may I suggest, the most expansive of themes.

” So what? ” you may wish to reply, “I have got a double-jointed elbow in my right arm which means I can reach around the back of my head and still pick my right nostril with my little finger. I may bore people with this fact when I’m a little bit drunk in the pub, but importantly I never mention it when I’m sober - and I would certainly never write a bloody song about it. You big show off.”

So this isn’t just a car crash of a song, it is a multiple pile-up on the M4 of a song. It is a Volvo that has been driving too fast on purpose, safe in the knowledge that when it reaches 85 miles per hour the shitty caravan it is towing will indeed ‘Flip Ya Flip’ over all the lanes of the motorway beside it - killing all and sundry who just happen to be around at the time.

Still, at least all the other cars will notice it, slow down later and have a good look at the carnage when they pass by. And that’s got to be worth something these days, hasn’t it ?

Where Is Flipping Nils ?

Now, I am not a big fan of Bruce Springsteen otherwise I would have undoubtedly known that our Nils is a member of his ‘E Street Band’. From my personal experience of Bruce Springsteen fans, I could also probably name every single bloody song that he played on - in order.

As it is though, Nils lives here :

http://www.nilslofgren.com/

He joined Neil Young’s band when he was 17 (1968) and played and sung on his acclaimed album ‘After The Goldrush”. Though impressive, I can’t really comment on this as it is an album I have never heard. It is one of those that I keep meaning to get round to buying, but God it looks dull - and I have therefore always kept a safe distance.

Here is Nils’ discography, which rather strangely forgets about this single, and is also full of lots of other records and I never ever want to hear :

http://www.nilslofgren.com/Music07.html

Actually that’s a bit of a lie, there is one : I am quite interested in hearing ‘Last Man Standing’ by Jerry Lee Lewis.

Finally for all you Nils lovers, here are some photos of his last tour in the UK in 2001 :

http://www.shinesilently.com/uk_tour_2001.htm

Mysteriously, he didn’t play this song.

Does Nils Really Do Backflips Whilst Playing His Guitar On Stage ?

Yes he does. But I have just discovered he can only do it with the help of a trampoline.

The big girl.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Well, it is a shame that I don’t own a record with this exact same title recorded by a chap called ‘Nils Lofgreen’ - because somebody wants 47 pounds for that one. Lofgren’s version though is worth a measley 1 pound 83 pence.

Current Profit : 114 pounds and 65 pence. Slow going, isn’t it ?

Supporting Cast Update : Young, Neil - Lewis, Jerry Lee - Springsteen, Bruce

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

“I have noticed that when someone asks for you on the telephone and, finding you out, leaves a message begging you to call him up the moment you come in, and it’s important, the matter is more often important to him than to you… “ writes Somerset Maugham in his 1930 novel ‘Cakes and Ale’.

This is undoubtedly true, but what should we make of a man who has left you such a message not on your answerphone, but via the medium of a 7″ single ? It certainly seems like a scattergun approach and is all rather reminscent of placing a Personal Ad in ‘The Guardian’ for somebody with a GSOH. ie The quality and style of your chosen platform makes you believe that you are immediately reaching your preferred target audience - but ultimately the only people who will reply to such a missive will all be total nutters.

So why is Pauli being so insistent in his desire for you to dial his number ? All is not immediately obvious in the slightly vague first verse, but come the chorus he is suddenly very specific indeed about his rather strange phoning request. It seems that he wishes you to dial his number “the next time he leaves you alone” - with ‘he’ presumably being the person with whom you live and are in love with.

Now, seeing as the next time this person may be leaving you alone will - in all probability - just involve them popping into the kitchen to make you both a quick cup of tea before Eastenders starts, it appears that whatever perverted things horny Pauli is expecting to get up to during the course of your call, he isn’t expecting it to take very long.

This Song In One Sentence ?

It is one of those songs that make you run drunkenly towards the dancefloor in a nightclub screaming “I haven’t heard this for ages!” - only for you to slink off to the bar again halfway through the second verse because it’s nowhere near as good as you remember.

This Song In Two Words ?

George Michael.

Where Is Phone Fetishist Pauli ?

Gosh.

Was I the only person never to have heard of Pauli Carman ? Am I the only one not to know that he has sold quite literally millions of records ? In short, was it just me that didn’t know he was in the band ‘Champaign’ who had a massive hit with ‘How ‘Bout Us’ ?

http://home.earthlink.net/%7Edeankay/DanaChampaign.html

They do have a ‘Best Of’ - but the reviews from Champaign fans are more than just a little mixed. Over at CD Universe, for example, the world is good and nobody could be happier :

http://tinyurl.com/2ablsm

“Very nice music great harmony and slow dancing. Nice for intimate dinners. Relaxing and smooth…”

writes one reviewer who is presumably dribbling slightly and attempting to stroke your knee with his spare hand whilst he uses the other one to type.

However, over at Amazon, the fans are not impressed at all - they are starting a veritable Champaign Campaign :

http://tinyurl.com/265269

“This collection leaves out ‘Try Again’? What kind of collection of Champaign is complete without ‘Try Again’?”

they all cry as if they are pointing out The Absolute Bleeding Obvious to a bunch of total fuckwits.

Well, I can’t say what sort of collection is left but I can tell you why it isn’t there : because it was co-written by a chap called Morris Day (who used to Play with Prince) and who didn’t want to release the rights and therefore, according to one dreamy over-romantic reviewer :

“… (this) album has a missing part of the passion.”

Who could disagree? Well, you might - once you listen to the bloody thing :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HS2HcYZHPwk

Can’t be arsed to watch’Try Again’, but have a sudden impulse to immerse yourself in the ‘Dial My Number’ video instead ? It’s got one of those talky over moments that isn’t on the record at around about 2 minutes - “Hey baby - how ya doowin’?” :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=si-me1aXeD8

Anyway, like all sensible people do these days, Champaign have inevitably reformed. Well, I say ‘reformed’, but actually one original member - Michael Jones - very sadly died of cancer two years ago, whilst the rest don’t seem to have been invited to the reunion in the first place.

Yes, it seems Pauli ‘works in the field of education during the day’ and records as ‘Pauli Carman and Champaign’ (with, importantly, no other actual members of Champaign) of an evening :

http://www.paulicarmanandchampaign.com/

“How ’bout us, Pauli” his old penniless unemployed band members presumably sob into their cheap Cava these days, “…How ’bout us?”

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 2 pounds and 90 pence. Yes, this record is worth exactly the same as Steve Carlton, which currently puts them both at a very respectable joint 13th when it comes to all that very important money.

Current Profit : 112 pounds and 89 pence.

Supporting Cast Update : Maugham, Somerset and Day, Morris

EDIT : Update available in ‘Corrections and Clarifications’

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

You know that bit in ‘Footloose’ where Kevin Bacon is so absolutely bloody frustrated at other people’s generally negative views about discos, that the only way he can think of letting off steam is by visiting an unlikely warehouse which lets him skip about a bit, swing around on some chains, do something akin to the Olympic parallel bars, then pull his jumper off and run backwards down a hallway ?

Well, it is a pity this record wasn’t released two years earlier because this song was bloody well designed for it.

It’s got the right sort of anguished screechy vocals required for such a Bacon-based runaround exercise, and even all the correct words and phrases that could be used in all the Important Flashbacky Bits.

“Pleasure… all I want is pleasure…” the vocalist would sing over those endless soft focus shots of Lori Singer looking coy and smug as she turns to gaze at Kevin over her smouldering shoulders.

“But all I ever get is pressure…” she would immediately counteract over scenes of John Lithgow merrily thumping his pulpit as if it was made of rubber and therefore would never actually hurt.

Is This Song Any Good ?

Well, it is a completely different beast to that ‘nevernevernevernevernevernevernevernever’ song used in Footloose but, if you know the song I’m talking about, you will probably agree that is no bad thing.

Instead ‘Pleasure’ is rather reminiscent of a tired and hungover Pat Benatar being forced at gunpoint to work with an overconfident, overzealous keyboard programmer - on a very strict budget.

So, although different, I still think my Footloose idea could work.

In fact I would go as far to say that yes, I quite this song.

Where Are Glass Beat Game ?

Well, this is quite interesting.

I can tell you their band name (and also, presumably, the diagram on the cover) is a play on words of a 1943 novel by Herman Hesse :

http://tinyurl.com/2hl35e

What is the Glass Bead Game ? Get your brain in gear, this is interesting - but not totally straightforward :

“The precise rules of the game are only alluded to, and are so sophisticated that they are not easy to imagine… playing the Game well requires years of hard study of music, mathematics, and cultural history… (it) is an abstract synthesis of all arts and scholarship. It proceeds by players making deep connections between seemingly unrelated topics. For example, a Bach concerto may be related to a mathematical formula. One description says:

Theoretically, this instrument is capable of producing… the entire intellectual content of the universe. The manuals, pedal, and stops are now fixed. Changes in their number and order and attempts at perfecting them, are actually no longer feasible except in theory. And with this statement, he reveals the limitations of the game: its elitism, its hubris, its stagnation, and its sterility. “

http://www.glassbeadgame.com/

Incidentally, another record on here also compares what appear to be totally unrelated subjects so presumably plays a sort of Glass Bead Game… but I digress.

Back to this record : The lead singer of The Glass Beat Game is Sarah Nagourney – and she is now apparently a very successful songwriter. We know it’s definitely her as, in a fit of sentimentality, her website is called :

http://www.glassbeat.com/home.html

She even seems to have released another version of this song on a label called Invasion Records at some point :

http://www.glassbeat.com/disco.html

But who Invasion Records are / were I have no idea. The only one I can find was based in Swindon, which claims to be about to be rebranded as ‘Fuck Off, I’m Eating!’ :

http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Backstage/7328/invasion/

However, I can’t really see swish New Yorker Sarah popping off to some bloke’s living room in Swindon to record something, can you ? Either way, listen to her latest songs by clicking on ‘music’ on her website. It’s all perfectly pleasant.

Meanwhile, the other half of The Glass Beat Game is a chap called Gary Pozner - and he too appears to have done rather well for himself:

http://www.whirledmusic.com/

He has written for both ‘Six Feet Under’ and ‘Junkyard Wars’ – and also played in the ‘Talking Heads’ offshoot ‘Tom Tom Club’. Listen to his latest stuff from the It Seemed Like A Really Good Title At The Time ‘Love Is An Eyeland’, here :

http://tinyurl.com/yqwj4c

And what about your ‘Footloose’ claim ?

Well, the fabulous ‘Footloose’ warehouse scene is here :

http://youtube.com/watch?v=i-1E-p8NP18

You’ll need to mute the youtube player then press play on this song just after he slips the tape into the tape player (about 20 seconds in), then see what you think. Even if my idea doesn’t really work, you still get to see Kevin rip his top off to reveal a dirty white vest at some point - so you’re a winner no matter what happens.

Sorry, I can’t be bothered to do that. Just tell me, does your theory work ?

Yes it does. It is absolutely brilliant.

You’re Lying Aren’t You ?

Yes I am. It’s shit.

Any other random ‘Footloose’ Facts ?

Yes, there are three.

Firstly, that ‘nevernevernevernevernevernevernevernever’ song is, perhaps unsurprisingly, called… ‘Never’ and was performed by a band called Moving Pictures. They were Australian, and you can buy their ‘Best Of…’ here :

http://tinyurl.com/2grsrq

And secondly ?

Just like her character in the TV series Fame, Lori Singer is actually a cellist. Pictures and stuff here :

http://www.lorisinger.com/

Did you used to quite fancy our Lori when you were younger ? Want to know if you still do ?

http://www.lorisinger.com/frame5.html

And Finally ?

My sister once touched Kevin Bacon’s nipple. The exact details escape me, but she didn’t wash for weeks.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : They vary widely, some charge up to a tenner. More realistically though, the lowest price I can find is 1 pound and 52 pence.

Current Profit : 110 pounds and 7 pence. We stride forwards with pleasure.