I Am Not The Beatles

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“It would be premature to describe 28 year old Randy Travis as a household name in Europe…”, states the blurb in the lavishly packaged booklet that comes with this record. ‘Premature’ would indeed be one way to describe it, but I can’t shake the feeling that ‘A Huge Cocking Lie’ would perhaps be a better summation of the situation.

This very glossy booklet overflows with countless gleaming photos in which a glistening Randy tries desperately not to smile at the camera. In fact, the pages of the booklet are so incredibly shiny you get the feeling the designers were actually consciously creating some sort of re-usable wipe free surface – just in case gazing at countless visages of Randy’s chiseled features and rampant sexuality got anybody a little overexcited.

Yet the assumption of his apparently obvious hunkiness also seems to be rather ‘premature’, as in reality there is something of the pencil about our Randy. Somehow it looks like his face has been drawn onto the eraser bit of a nice HB and, if you turned him upside down, it would be possible to use the top of his head to rub stuff out.

Meanwhile, in other photos it is less a case of ‘I Am Not The Beatles’, and more a case of ‘I Am Not Paul Robinson’ :

Randy is also a bit ‘premature’ with his views on women. He will, he says, love you for

“As long as old men sit and talk about the weather, As long as old women sit and talk about old men…”

which seems to be an oddly outdated perception, as it suggests he believes all the men should have a decent hobby – in this case meteorology – yet thinks women should have no outside interests except talking to each other about their husbands who have interesting hobbieson their behalf… the big bloody sexist.

Also, these people are old - they’re not going to be talking about other people talking about the weather for very much longer are they ? It is a strictly limited timescale we are dealing with here. The next generation of old people aren’t going to be boring each other shitless about the weather, I promise you. They’ll be doing it by wanking on about the latest Nintendo Wii X-Pro XVI that is now small enough to inject directly into their ever decaying eyeballs.

It all goes even more horribly wrong in the second verse. I am not going to ruin it for you but here is a warning : You’ll understand what dear Randy is trying to say, but it is all so jaw-droppingly badly phrased that if you are currently eating Coco Pops you may need to stop doing so at this bit - or you may well end squirting them out of your nostrils in disbelief.

The Best Bit

Whenever he sings “Oh darlin’..” but only because when he does it, it sounds like a cute affectation – but if I attempt to join in, I inexplicably sound like a Dorset farmer talking to my favourite cow.

The Outro

There is a room in hell where this song never ends. You enter the room, the door locks quietly behind you, and it plays all the way to the outro as normal but when Randy sings

“… forever and ever, forever and ever, forever and ever, forever and ever, forever and ever…”

It hits an eternal groove and plays in your soul forever and ever and ever.. and there is no Amen.

It’s also got a free interview flexi disc! Any good ?

No, not really. But there’s a fun bit towards the end when he talks about being rejected by countless record companies - but ‘they were always real nice to us’ when they did so. Awww… bless :

Where Is Randy ?

Well, as intimated in the above interview, it seems our Randy had a wild streak in him when he was younger - as he did a few naughty things and eventually ended up in prison :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randy_Travis

Then, after much singy success, he found a nice lady to love forever and ever - although it was a bit of a shame that she was married at the time…

Still, he is alive and well, living here

http://www.randy-travis.com/

and has gone all Christian on us :

http://www.christianitytoday.com/music/artists/randytravis.html

He is obviously a little bit older these days. Hmmm… I wonder if he lets his wife invite any friends around so they can have a good chinwag. You know, just to talk about him - talking about the weather.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 2 pounds and 24 pence. Incidentally, Gemm claims that Randy “kicked open the door for the “country hunk” phenomenon of the ’90s.” Gosh. Pass the Kleenex.

Current Profit : 82 pounds and 68 pence. Incidentally, this is the most successful single chart-wise thus far. Yes, it reached the dizzy heights of… number 55. This is all comparative to nothing of course - as none of the previous songs actually charted at all.

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“ Come outside…” begs an increasingly desperate Mike Berry.

This may well be Mike’s personal preference, but I fear he’s worrying himself unnecessarily in this regard. I should imagine that, when it comes to Mike Berry, the only place any of us have ever really planned to come is outside – both outside of him, and as far away as physically possible.

This record’s shit isn’t it?

Well, it is all a matter of perspective. It seems to me that Wendy and Mike were asked to make a record that was a little bit silly and a little bit crap… and guess what ? It is a little bit silly and a little bit crap. Mission Accomplished. One way of looking at the situation is that Mike and Wendy achieved precisely what they wanted – and you can’t say that about all the songs on here. Look at Rock and Hyde, for example… if you must.

This record’s shit isn’t it?

Stop going on about it, accept the honest crapness and tightly defined limitations, and you may find there is much fun to be had here.

This record’s shit isn’t it?

For example, it starts with the sound of Mike Berry listening to the intro of a cheap karaoke version of Robbie Williams’ ‘Rock DJ’, before passing a really satisfying poo onto a glass table – then having a quick taste. And that’s just the first six seconds.

This record’s shit isn’t it?

There are also a nice number of faux cockney ‘ave a banana moments. I found the best place to sing ‘ave a banana was half way through the chorus just after ‘there’s a loverlee moon out there’ – but experiment for yourself and have fun with it, you may find a place more suitable for you.

This record’s shit isn’t it?

This, of course, is not the first time Wendy has sung this song. She also sang the original in the sixties. I do not know the original very well, but it seems this is in fact an updated version. From memory, in the original Wendy was harangued into coming ‘outside’ for the bloke to then presumably try his luck and attempt to come ‘inside’ a bit later on in the evening. If this updated version is anything to go by he was very successful – as on this record he meets Tarquin, the resulting stupidly voiced son.

This record’s shit isn’t it?

I warn you now, I’m not going to slag this record off just because it is a ‘novelty’ song. I think ‘novelty’ songs generally get a bad rap – you are dealing with a man here who will not have a word said against ‘Star Trekkin’ for example, and who giggles at that bit at the end where the words get mixed up and Scotty says ‘Its worse than that it’s physics Jim’.

That’s because Star Trekkin’ is brilliant. Everyone knows that. But this one…. this record’s shit isn’t it?

Shit? It’s chuffing awful.

More Facts Than You Ever Wanted To Know

are at a site I still find hard to believe actually exists - The Wendy Richard Appreciation Page :

http://pages.prodigy.net/glc/wrhp/html/wr_early.htm

They do review this record but, incredibly, they miss the seminal Mike Berry Eating Poo Off A Glass Table moment and instead make two rather outrageous claims.

Firstly, they describe Wendy’s singing voice as ‘ absolutely delightful; a contralto or mezzo-soprano’ - which is certainly polite - and they then go on to claim that the record is ‘scarce’ and therefore worth about four quid. This can’t be true can it? Hmmm… we will check this out immediately after…

Where Are They Now ?

Well, Wendy was in the soap opera Eastenders for years. But her character hilariously died a few months back and she was last seen…. opening the pet department at Allders department store in Croydon. Scarily, she is also about to play an older version of her character Miss Brahms from Are You being Served? in a new comedy called Here Comes The Queen:

http://tinyurl.com/2bfcoq

Is it just me, or is that a Really Bad Idea ?

For those of you who are not up on your Rock n’ Roll, dear old Mike was part of Mike Berry and The Outlaws in the sixties :

http://www.45-rpm.org.uk/dirm/mikeb.htm

His fans claim he is most famous for the song ‘Tribute To Buddy Holly’ (but really is most famous for being in Are You Being Served?)….and he is still recording with Mike Berry and The Crickets. These are The Actual Crickets, by the way… To catch up with His Berryness and buy a copy of his latest CD with those aforementioned Real Crickets, clicky here :

http://www.mikeberry.net

Hmmm. That’ll be the day.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : OK. Let’s test that four quid theory… Well, hilariously one person is actually trying to shift their copy for 10 pounds 50 pence. This worried me for a bit, until I at last found another for 2 pounds 50 pence. I thought 8 pence was about right to be honest.

Current Profit : 80 pounds and 52 pence. We are clinging on to the edge of the eighties with our fingernails.

  

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When in Rome, you do as the Romans do. But what about when in When In Rome ? What do you do then ?

Well, first of all, you will need two friends :

http://tinyurl.com/232t7f

One of you must be Michael Hutchence’s slightly podgier cousin - twice removed - one of you must permanently wear what appears to be a zippable hat, and the other one must hang around on the end as if you are the bodyguard for the other two.

Songwise, you must then release a single that on first listen seems to be unmittigatingly awful but which, on further inspection, reveals itself to be nothing less than Pure Pop Genius. I am not joking : if When In Rome had done the sensible populist thing and started this song with the bloody chorus, it would have been a hit - no question.

As it is, it instead starts with a peculiarly mournful verse which is strangely vocally reminiscent of the kind of tune and harmony Scott Walker would immerse himself in 16 years later. The difference between the two, of course, is that dear old Scott would generally follow up a verse like this by launching into into a crunching, crashing atonal chorus accompanied only by the vicious scrapings of an industrial meat processor and the sound of him slapping his own forehead with mouldy bits of smoked bacon.

When In Rome, however, are not seduced by Scott’s meaty mechanical route and instead decide to produce a chorus so catchy that, if it were a fish, it wouldn’t be hanging around in the river on the off chance your silly maggots happened to tempt it onto your line – it would leap out of the water at the first sight of you and plonk itself straight onto your lap : as if it had caught you.

What’s The Song All About ?

Shagging the locals whilst on holiday without your partners knowledge then feeling a bit guilty about it, essentially.

How Naughty!

Indeed - but this interesting songfact brings us nicely onto your final When In Rome instruction :

If shagging unknown wannabe popstar holidaymakers in Rome is the kind of thing ‘Romans’ generally do ‘do’, then when in When In Rome when in Rome you need to do as the Romans do – in reverse – and then write a song about it.

I Like Gaps

Then you won’t be disappointed. Towards the end of this song there is a gap so large that, if you are a middle class student, you may well be tempted to try and live a whole year of your life within it.

Anything Else To Randomly Note ?

Yes. With ‘Sight Of Your Tears’ , When In Rome may well have created the world’s most versatile song title. By swapping the ‘S’ and the ‘T’ with other letters of the alphabet and/or rhyming words, hundreds of other song titles can also be created :

Night Of Your Fears ( Marilyn Manson )

Right Of Your Peers ( Manic Street Preachers )

Height Of Your Pears ( The Wurzels )

Hmmm…. Where Are They Now ?

Well, When in Rome were formed from the remnants of another band called Beau Leisure which had a lady in it called Corrinne Drewery. Corrinne then left Beau Leisure to form… Swing Out Sister. Now, this is all very interesting I am sure you agree, but the best fact to come out of this is the following : The lead singer of Swing Out Sister’s mum is obviously very lovely. Why ? Because she runs a place called Authorpe HedgeHog Care which is a hospital for ‘weak, ill, sick, injured and orphaned hedghogs’.

Awww, isn’t that nice ? If you ever find yourself near Louth why not pop along? I know I certainly will, it’s not every day that you get a chance to meet a popstar’s mum and stroke a hedgehog :

http://www.lincolnshire.gov.uk/venueDetails.asp?venuecode=334

Anyway, although pretty much unknown in the UK, When In Rome are actually rather cultish as they had a massive 1988 one hit wonder type thing in America with another song called ‘The Promise’ :

http://www.youtube.com/watchv=yVAcAq3MSMY

http://www.lyricsdepot.com/when-in-rome/the-promise.html

They also released one eponymous album which is still available on Amazon :

http://tinyurl.com/3c8rfp

Best Rather Ungenerous Amazon Customer Review ?

“the promise is my all time favorite song of all times….. yes the rest of the album could have used some working on but it has already been 11 years and nothing can be changed now. “

Also….. like FM they have quite literally just reformed. Unlike FM, however, they are playing Hawaii next Saturday - and they claim to be signed to Virgin :

http://www.myspace.com/wheninrome

Gosh.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current value : 3 pounds and 50 pence

Current Profit : 78 pounds and 10 pence. I have now been to When In Rome. But have I ever been to me?

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Did You Know ?

The grunting of pigs is all to do with the shape of their piggy vocal chords. Unlike humans, whose larynxes move forward and down in their throats in early infancy, piggy ones remain towards the back of their throat for their whole lives. While this means that they can both breathe and drink at the same time, it prevents them from communicating in any way other than this simple sound.

Being a pig then is a bit like the song ’Let Love Be The Leader’ : one long grunt.

I have nothing against soft rock per se - Starship released the totally magnificent ‘Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now’ in the same year as this, for example. However, whereas Starship’s lovely record is like being caressed under silk sheets by your favourite fantasy movie star - FM’s is like being gangbanged on an old cement mixer by the entire cast of Auf Weidersehn Pet. ie It can at times be both uncomfortable and unpleasant.

Still, I have often wondered just how bad your record would have to be for your specially numbered limited edition box set to be sold for 8 pence just a few weeks after release.

The answer is now obvious :

This bad.

It’s a Box Set ! What’s In It ?

This record, unfortunately.

Oh, and six separate oh so fucking hilarious autographed ’colour photo-biogs’ giving biographies of all the band members.

Yes, if you haven’t done so already, it is time for you to pop off to the photo section and take a look - it is some of the most depressingly blokey slappable nonsense you will ever read…

LAUGH !?! At a grown man who calls himself ‘Didge Digital’ and who claims to have studied at ‘Venus College Of Music.’

GIGGLE !??! At vocalist and lead guitarist Chris Overland’s attempt at humour, describing the time ‘a can of Carlsberg Special Brew’ was surgically removed ‘from his left hand’.

POSITIVELY POO YOURSELF STUPID !???! At the phrase ’Merv the Swerve’

ATTACH A HOSEPIPE TO YOUR EXHAUST AND SIT IN YOUR CAR IN THE GARAGE !????! If it all gets a bit too much.

What Happened Next ?

Well, it seems FM were formed from ex-members of the following bands : Samson, Streetfighter, Diamond Head, Wildlife and Bad Company. Hmmmm… you’d have really thought they might have guessed the end result may have been a bit disappointing, wouldn’t you ?

They then spent their lives being the support band to the (mostly fading) stars : Reo Speedwagon, Foreigner, Magnum, Bon Jovi, Status Quo and Gary Moore.

And then…… they split up, creating such dreadfully named bands such as Andy Barnett’s Barnstormers, The Slaves and SO! The Steve Overland Band.

http://tinyurl.com/27w3mo

http://www.so-band.com/

On the not remotely bitter SO! Steve Overland Band website, our Steve claims that he was buried by ‘general music industry apathy’ and their quest for manufactured disposable drivel…<but the release of SO!’s album means that>…..it’s good to know there are still a few record companies around that look beyond “a haircut and a dance routine”. He then, with no trace of irony, refers to himself as ‘The Voice’.

But panic not, FM lovers - all is not lost… because with very spooky good timing, SO! The Steve Overland Band are no more…. and……yes!…..FM are reforming and playing together for the first time in twelve years, performing at something called Firefest 4 in Nottingham on October 27th this year :

http://www.getreadytorock.com/index4.htm

There is bad news though : Leather clad alien Didge Digital will not, I repeat not, be joining them. Sad though this is, what is even sadder is the reason why… he now plays in an Emerson, Lake & Palmer covers band.

Which raises just one further question : Who the fuck pays to see an Emerson, Lake & Palmer covers band ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : There are alot of them about - it seems that just about everybody who owns one is trying to get rid of the bloody thing. One person was even asking for 21 pounds, which seems a tad optimistic to say the least. Anyway, the cheapest one I can find is seven pounds and 96 pence which is still a stupid amount of money to pay for this nonsense. Let’s be honest here - who, with the possible exceptions of the band themselves and their mums, who would ever possibly want to buy one ?

Current Profit : 74 pounds and 66 pence : Let Love Be The Loss Leader.

  

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I don’t suppose you happen know what Einstein said about the measles of mankind do you ?

I am not even sure I understand the question… Why ? Who wants to know ?

Thrashing Doves.

Who ?

Thrashing Doves. It is a key lyric in their song ‘Matchstick Flotilla’. So keen are they to find the answer to this question that they have decided to make their enquiry reach as many people as possible by cleverly using the medium of popular music to ask it in. Also, so desperate are they to draw your attention to their lack of knowledge of the whole Einstein / Measles / Mankind conundrum, they have also written the lyric on the back cover (see photos) : “Remind me what Einstein said about the measles of mankind”. The phrasing suggests that they used to know Einstein’s thoughts on this whole matter of measles and mankind, but they have since forgotten, and thus need reminding - I can only presume they want to be contacted by anyone who knows the answer.

Hmmm… Tellingly though, there is no address to write to… doesn’t that strike you as a bit odd ? If I did know what Einstein said about the measles of mankind how am I supposed to reply to the question? Are they really expecting me to write and release a completely different ‘reply’ single with the answer contained within it, and the answer printed on the back cover on the off chance they might hear it - like some sort of Open University version of Eamon and Frankee’s ‘Fuck You’ and ‘Fuck You Right Back’ ? No, I don’t trust these Thrashing Doves at all - if they really are that desperate to know the answer, why don’t they just pop down their local library to try and find out like everyone else?

Are you trying to say they are being a little disingenuous ?

I will be more blatant than that and say that I think Thrashing Doves are all too bloody aware of what Einstein said about the measles of mankind, and are pretending that they have forgotten. Also, they are only mentioning it in the first place in order to highlight the fact that you probably have no idea what Einstein said, will have to run off and look it up in a book before understanding the lyrical reference, and thus they will prove themselves to be intellectually superior to you. In short, they are lying and they are calling you a thicko.

The smug bastards… Is the song any good ?

Yes, it is . But you do have to work with one of the campest vocals in recent memory – as the singer seems incapable of stopping himself from going ‘Errryeah’ quite a bit like he’s raising his eyebrows at a bell boy bending over in a lift. In fact it is so incredibly camp, you half expect Charles Hawtrey to pop up in the intro with a well-timed “Oooh, Hello…” to start the song off.

So Where Did It Go Wrong For Thrashing Doves ?

There is, of course, quite a famous story about Thrashing Doves. It is a cautionary tale that should be told to every young pop star on the planet, as it reveals the strange truth about fame. ie It is fickle and random, and can be ripped from your grasp through no real fault of your own.

What’s The Story ?

Two songs after this one, Thrashing Doves went on to release a perfectly pleasant single called ‘Beautiful Imbalance’ which was a very subtle slag off of the then Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher. Unfortunately for Thrashing Doves the video for the song appeared on the equivalent of Juke Box Jury on a Saturday morning kids TV show on the same day as its subject ; double unfortunately the video reviewer that week was Maggie herself ; and triple unfortunately Margaret Thatcher rather haughtily announced to the world that Thrashing Doves had just released the best song of the week…

Kaboom.

A firing squad couldn’t have been more efficient : their career was killed stone dead in an instant as, whether they liked or not, they would now always be… The Band That Maggie Liked.

Poor chaps.

Indeed, no amount of posturing could save them. The louder they cried “BUT THE SONG IS ABOUT MAGGIE BEING HORRIBLE. THIS IS IRONY IN MOTION!” the more futile their protests became, as it just reminded people that if they bought anything by this band they were basically buying something recommended by Margaret Thatcher. It is impossibly difficult to appear cool, sexy and elusively rebellious when you are courted by a politician who professes to like your music. In most cases your career will never recover… Just ask Oasis.

So… What Happened Next ?

Well, let’s start by noting that somebody at A&M really really liked Thrashing Doves. Alot. Let us count the pounds spent…

First up, this record is mixed by Arthur Baker :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arthur_Baker_(musician)

Secondly, Andrezj Klimowski provided the cover :

http://www.klimowski.com/transition.html

John Warwicker was their art and design director :

http://www.artbook.com/3865210309.html

The photographer was Jean-Francois Le Page

http://www.two-eyes.com/

… and they also used Anton Corbijn

http://www.corbijn.co.uk/

Now that is some serious cash…

The rest is summed up here,

http://profile.myspace.com/thrashingdoves

where they rather underestimate their back story by saying : “There is some evidence to suggest that their career was irrevocably harmed when British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher expressed fondness for their video “Beautiful Imbalance” when she saw it on Saturday Superstore. ”

Some Evidence? I remember watching it at the time : and even at that age I knew they were totally fucked.

Ken, the vocalist, went on to do this :

http://www.icmp.uk.com/teachers/specialist-teachers/ken-foreman.aspx

Brian, the keyboard player, can be found here:

http://www.myspace.com/baforeman

Meanwhile Ian, their guitarist, went on to join Death In Vegas

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_in_Vegas

and their bassist, Gail Ann Dorsey, went on to play with just about everybody

http://www.nndb.com/people/858/000073639/

including herself :

http://www.gailanndorsey.com/

Anything Nice For Us To Watch ?

Yes, here are Thrashing Doves performing Matchstick Flotilla on The Whistle Test, with Andy Kershaw making a reference to the colossal amount of money being spent on them :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_6JV1HJ7e4

Awww. Bless. It is a guilty pleasure watching that, isn’t it? They are giving the kind of cocky performance that can only be given when you know that all the investment in you is about to go oh so right. They look so happy and blithely unaware that it will all fall apart so randomly, so unnecessarily and so very soon…

So what did Einstein say about the measles of mankind ?

“Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind.”

Everyday is a schoolday.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 3 pounds and 38 pence. Not too shabby.

Current Profit : 66 pounds and 58 pence. Not remotely enough to help pay back that advance though…

EDIT : New information in ‘Corrections and Clarifications’

ANOTHER EDIT : One year later, another song by Thrashing Doves called Biba’s Basement was also pulled out of my box. Click here.