I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

‘Remix by Froggy’ is a bold, hopeful statement to emblazon across your front cover - as if this simple fact may have any effect upon your sales performance.

Picture the scene :

The Year : 1986

The Setting : Your local record shop

Teenager 1 ( Sauntering in ) : “Hey, this is weird, look at this.”

Teenager 2 (Wearing a Meat is Murder T-shirt ) : ” What ?”

Teenager 1 : ” They’ve got the new Nazz Nasko single, ‘No More’. ”

Teenager 2 : ” When did you start giving a shit about Nazz Nasko? He is fucking bollocks, man. I bet he’s never heard heffers whine.”

Teenager 1 : “Yeah I know.. but… well… I quite like the look of this. ”

Teenager 2 ; “Are you serious ? I am telling you, you Spaz, you’ve got no fucking taste. ‘No More?” No More… Nazz, more like.’ ( giggles )

Teenager 1 : (Firmly) : “Yeah, well… normally I would agree with you. But this actually looks really interesting.”

Teenager 2 : “Nazz? Interesting? Since when has bland Euro-styled reggae delivered by a man you wouldn’t trust with your children been remotely interesting, you dipshit? He always seems to be just standing around on pretend Georgian steps, looking like someone who’s hidden a small child in his pockets and is looking for a clean getaway.”

Teenager 1 : “Well…. that hasn’t changed, to be honest.”

Teenager 2: ” So what has ?”

Teenager 1 : “Listen. This is Nazz Nasko…”

Teenager 2 : “Yessss…?”

Teenager 1: “But… it’s remixed by Froggy…”

Pause

Teenager 2 : “Remixed by Froggy? You’re shitting me.”

Teenager 1 : “No. That’s what it says : Remix by Froggy.”

Teenager 2 : ” The Froggy ?”

Teenager 1 : “Well of course it’s the fucking Froggy you idiot - they wouldn’t say so otherwise.”

Teenager 2 : ” That is fucking awesome.”

Pause

Teenager 1 : “Hey, where are you going ?”

Teenager 2 : “I’m off to borrow 1.49 off me mum. That record is a fucking must have.”

Teenager 1 (To record shop owner) : “Nice sleeve too, isn’t it ? I love dayglo pink.”

Nazzty or Nice ?

It’s not natural, normal or kind - and more than just a tad tedious. It does try to raise a smile by having one of those bass noises that sounds like a man farting through an elastic band, but it’s not really enough.

Incidentally, if you get as far as 2 minutes and 30 seconds into it, there are gaps in the music that are so annoying they should have that London Underground announcement five seconds before each one to prepare you for what is about to occur.

Without this, they really really make you want to punch people.

If you don’t think you can make it that far, why not pass the time in awe of the incredibly clever self referential subliminal musical reference inserted by, presumably, Froggy himself ?

ie You can sing The King Of Rock ‘n Roll by Prefab Sprout over the chorus.

No. Really. Wait until the chorus then sing :

“Hot dog

Jumping frog

Alburqurque”

Jumping…frog.

DO YOU SEE ?

Genius.

Where Did Your Nazz Go ?

It is a familiar tale my good friends : I don’t know - and, yes, I did check the child protection websites.

The only reference I can find to our Nazz is on an obscure Austrian music website which, when put through a translation program reads :

” The native bulgarian came 1983 to Vienna and were able to land few time later small hit. Nachfolgesingels were able to establish itself however none.”

This hasn’t helped.

Has Froggy Spawned Many Imitators ?

Well… oddly, the answer maybe ‘Yes’. There are hundreds of DJ Froggys to choose from, the internet is quite literally jumping with them.

Could this be our DJ Froggy?

http://www.soulpranos.co.uk/djfroggy.html

Well, he refers to himself as ‘Funk Mafia DJ Froggy’ which is slightly worrying…

Oooh look! There is a whole list of DJ Froggy’s here :

http://www.froggy101.com/pages/325253.php

Oh, no, hang on. That’s a radio station called Froggy. Shame. I liked the look of them.

Hmmm. Well this one might be right. This chap claims to have worked with a DJ Froggy around the right time :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simon_Harris

We can’t be entirely sure though. It makes no mention of working on Nazz’s single.

And that isn’t the kind of thing you would want to forget.

Is it ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Well, I can tell you now, there are alot of copies about. This is because it was actually a number 15 hit in Austria. However, and this will shock you, so prepare yourself : every single copy I can find is remixed by Froggy. This brings up the very real possibility that the Froggy ‘Remix’ is not a remix at at all - but the only mix. Feel cheated ? Mislead ? I bloody do. Anyway, the value : Incredibly this is actually the second most valuable single so far : 3 pounds and 38 pence. This makes me feel a little better, if slightly dirty.

Current Profit : 27 pounds and 25 pence

EDIT : Extra Information in ‘Corrections and Clarifications’. Don’t get too excited though, we still haven’t found him.

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

The Song

Do you like A-Ha ?

I do.

If you’re of a similar disposition to me in this regard, you may well end up quietly liking ‘European Summer’. You probably won’t want to admit it to your friends, but you may just find yourself quietly bewildered that this record didn’t chart.

Until you see the cover.

It is here that the startling difference between the two groups makes itself clear.

In A-Ha, as with many bands, it was the ugliest bloke who wrote all the songs.

With President, it is difficult to ascertain which one this might actually be.

OK, so the song is hardly I’ve Been Losing You or Manhattan Skyline - let’s face it, it’s not even Touchy - but they do their best A-Halite impression reasonably enough for a few minutes.

Any carefully assembled facade is ruined quite spectacularly however, with one of the worst piano breaks in living memory. It twitters away pointlessly over some utterly barbaric percussion which was presumably only included because one of the blokes had just bought himself a djembe, and he wanted to show off.

Unfortunately, it leaves you with the impression of a distressed pigeon knocking stuff off your mantlepiece and then careering around and shitting over your living room, having just flown down the chimney by mistake.

In fact, it’s so bad that in my darker moments I have nightmares about the band drafting in a friend who looks a bit like Jools Holland - who then tries to recreate Uncertain Smile by recording a 12″ version that goes on for hours.

Where Are You ?

Cool. They are still going. Well, sort of :

http://www.myspace.com/presidentuk

There is a, shall we say, exhaustive history of the band. OK, it’s horribly laid out - but if you get past all the initial boring stuff, it turns into a fascinating insight of a band desperately trying to be famous. It should be required reading for anybody else about to embark on something similar. Yes, there is champagne - but there are also people leaving and being sacked all over the place. Total carnage.

It even clears up something I am sure has been niggling away at you for minutes now - where did they get their name ?

” Geoff came up with the name of the band - whilst flicking through Smash Hits he came across a picture of President Nixon and thought President why not ?”

Please visit them. Today when I did nobody else had, which is a shame.

To entice you, you get to hear a few more songs - but most importantly you get to watch the absolutely fantastic ‘European Summer’ video. You will love their dancing on the pier.

I promise you.

Do it now.

Oh, and this is what they are up to these days :

http://www.myspace.com/tonywright

Stop panicking :

“Tony and Geoff have just returned from Scotland the purpose was to pen the last remaining tracks needed to complete the project. The guys have returned with the final tracks in the bag.”

Phew.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Obviously it is worth more with that fantastic picture sleeve. It would be madness otherwise. This takes it up to a stonking 1 pound and 93 pence. Which puts them in joint fourth place with Faith Brothers, valuewise. Not a bad result.

Current Profit : 23 Pounds 97 pence. But it’s all bound to go wrong in a minute.

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Music. Brilliant isn’t it?

Well, most of the time. Other times, just like Hart to Hart, when we meet it is murder.

In 1993, for example, at The Waco Siege in Texas, The FBI played loud, heavily distorted music aimed directly at the compound for long periods of time. It was an attempt to induce sleep deprivation, as well as psychologically taunt and slowly break down the inhabitants of the Branch Davidian Ranch.

Most of them later died.

In events not entirely unconnected, last Christmas I decided to spend a relaxing 4 days in Lapland.

I should have guessed something wasn’t right as I boarded a plane which appeared to be being held together by old piles of dried children’s vomit. I was surrounded by utter cacophony : with screaming children and their hysterical parents taking it in turns to overexcite and then annoy each other in equal measure.

Slightly shielded from the hell around me by the two rather marvellous double JD’s I had just downed before boarding, I awaited take-off and a nice alcoholic doze.

But then… it started.

Without warning, and at full volume, 5 Christmas songs on auto-repeat suddenly rocked the aircraft. For the entire length of the flight these 5 Christmas songs were blasted relentlessly and repeatedly through the blown speakers above our heads.

That nice little TV that usually shows a comforting picture of where the plane is relative to your destination? It instead projected the words of these 5 songs – over and over again - with a little snowball bouncing along the top of them, just in case you got lost. Meanwhile, the flight attendants, dressed as elves, ran around the cabin shouting ‘C’MONNNN! IT’S CHRISTMASSSS! CAN YOU SEE SANTA YET?” through their distorted loudhalers.

For three hours.

In Lapland - shaken, but still sane, I got off the plane and was put onto a coach for the hour long trip to the remote hotel. As the coach pulled away… exactly the same 5 Christmas songs started up, at full volume, and the same thing happened again. Actually, to be fair, there were two slight differences : this time the loudhaler was in the hands of a man who actually claimed to be an elf, and he also very excitedly improvised the extra caveat “IS HE ON THE ROOF?”

None of this made me feel better.

Finally, I arrived at the hotel. I pulled my battered, bruised and totally broken self into the lobby and fell back exhausted onto a sofa. As I did so, something insidious wafted past my ears from the hotel PA system : the same 5 Christmas songs - but this time being played very very softly.

It was like I was an abused partner who had just spent the past four hours repeatedly being hit around the head with a heavy glass ashtray, only for them to suddenly stop and - with the ashtray still hovering millimetres away from my bloodied face - whisper sinisterly ”But…. you know I love you though…don’t you?”

It transpired this music at the hotel was never turned off.

It played 24 hours hours a day.

During those next four days I slowly turned into a hollow eyed creature. I was Winston Smith in the final paragraph of 1984 – Jack Bauer after being tortured by the Chinese.

Recovery was hard, but here I am six months later… and just as I thought I was coming to terms with this episode in my past… bloody Gay Gordon and his shitting Mince Pies bring it all flooding back.

I am broken again. I am crouched and sobbing in the corner of the room. I am rocking backwards and forwards with gin scented tears trickling down the sides of my nose - as I nervously scan the horizon for elves.

Gordon’s Alive ?

He has ruined my life, and you expect to me to care?

Incidentally, possibly correctly, this record is on an album called ‘ The Worst Album On The Planet’ :

http://tinyurl.com/2r8k8y

Totally incorrectly however, so is Tight Fit’s quite brilliant rendition of The Lion Sleeps Tonight.

It’s not right I tell you.

Money Update

Let’s face it, it’s not hopeful is it?

Cost : 8 pence

Current Cost : Well, in a development that should really scare Rock and Hyde this is being sold for four times more than their ‘Dirty Water’ : 1 pound 25 pence.

Current Profit : 22 pounds and 4 pence. But it is a hollow victory, my friends.

 

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

What’s Going On Here ?

It’s all a bit strange.

What’s So Strange ?

If Kraftwerk had been a poppy manufactured girl band rather than some serious besuited blokes from Germany, they would have sounded like this.

What’s So Strange About That You Snobby Sexist?

Nothing. That isn’t the strange bit.

What Is The Strange Bit Then?

After 1 minute and 45 seconds a totally different band gatecrash the record and perform a completely different song.

Really? What Does That Sound Like?

Amazulu.

What Happens Then ?

They all have a big fight for control of the song.

So Who Wins ?

It’s hard to tell, but my money’s on Amazulu.

Why ?

There were more of them.

Ou Est La Bouche ?

Ermmm…. I have no idea - I’ve looked everywhere and… I can find nothing at all. It doesn’t help that there is a completely different La Bouche here that I vaguely recognise - but I can’t remember the name of their Big Hit for the life of me, and it’s not the same people anyway so why am I bothering?

http://www.danceartistinfo.com/labouche.htm

I am going to have to open this up to the good readers. The search…. is officially on…

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : I am quite hopeful about this – it’s got one of those funky covers they used to do where the middle of the record makes up a bit of the sleeve (see photos) - so that might help… ermmm…. oh….. maybe not…. Well it’s more than those Faith Brothers : a nifty 2 pounds and fifty pence.

Current Profit : 20 pounds 79 pence. This is all well and good, but can anyone tell me where they are now ?

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

The Song

It bursts into your life with all the energy and vitality that Rock and Hyde didn’t. Listen to those horns.

Aren’t they just magnificent ?

They are the sign that hangs around this record. “Yes I am Rock”, they proudly state, “but I am also unashamedly Pop”.

I am Pock.

It is a difficult record to love on first listen. You have to get past that foghorn of a voice that has only one volume setting (loud) for starters, and the diction is terrible. But those horns pull you back for a second sitting, and by the third listen you may find yourself ever so slightly hooked. Then, one day you will find yourself absent mindedly singing the horn bit to yourself as you walk down the street – and it will suddenly really annoy you that can’t make out any of the words.

At least, that what happened to me.

Have Faith, Brothers

I have a general feeling this should have been a hit - ish. You know, in the same kind of way Aztec Camera used to. It hits the same silly gooey spot in me that ‘The First Picture Of You’ by The Lotus Eaters occupies. A surprise, essentially.

Either way – what happened? Let’s take a look….

Ooooh, this is interesting if like your cultural history. The B-side is called Fulham Court – and if you look at the back of the record sleeve you’ll see some some nicely angry RedWedgerite blurb at the bottom. And here is somebody who went through what he describes:

http://www.londonlee.com/2007/04/my-manor.html

OK, from that I have learned the singer’s name is Billy Franks… so let’s fire up the Google…. and yay

http://www.billyfranks.com/

He is playing at… well…. O’Neils in Earls Court this coming Sunday, and his website does unfortunately contain the following quote from Time Out :

“… garnering praise from Bono, Peter Gabriel and Oasis”

Can a man be too damned?

You can, however, download free Faith Brothers stuff, so we can at least find out if this was just a curious one-off. Still, at least he’s not dead like every other half decent person mentioned here so far. That was really starting to annoy me.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Considering I quite like it, I consider this to be a paltry 1 pound and 93 pence. Still, it’s a profit.

Current Profit : 18 pounds and 29 pence. Not bad at all. It’s still all thanks to Sonya and her totally marvellous Love Flight 109 though isn’t it.