I Am Not The Beatles

 

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

” And this song is considered a perfect gem,
And as to the meaning, it’s what you please. “
 

C.S. Calverley - Ballad

If - like me - the prospect of a good Boing is the kind of thing likely to get you more than just a little excited, then you’re going to love this record. For here is a song with you for the long haul, one which realises that although an accomplished Boingking may be enough to gain your initial attention - only by following such a thing up with some seriously intelligent pillowtalk can any hope of a long term relationship be established.

Thus for every hardworking Boing which is expertly tossed off in your general direction, a roughly equal number of similarly industrious Pings, Booms and Tschaks quickly make themselves known to alchemise any embarrassingly premature overexcitement into the gold of an intellectualised discourse.

This is a brave tactic certainly but also very successful as although, just like any marriage, the Boings do eventually stop, this slowly turns a song which may appear to be an empty soulless void into something rather more interesting - a process not unlike when a new colleague starts work in the office who you find a bit vacant and bland… only to discover two years later that you now inexplicably fancy the pants off them.

For Kraftwerk’s Booms, unlike Will Smith’s much more blokey Boom!s, are not here to do anything as mundane as shake the room but instead exist to help you deconstruct the medium of pop music itself and thus create a veritable Love Tschak : a little old place where we can get together and make sweet Musique… Non Stop.

Brilliant.

Aren’t Kraftwerk More Than Just A Little Bit Famous ?

They certainly are and the story of this track is utterly fascinating - as a song called Technopop, which allegedly contained bits of this one, was originally recorded in 1981 for an album of the same name.

That album was never released however as one member of Kraftwerk had become rather oddly obsessed with the mechanics of bicycles at the time and, whilst riding one and presumably ruminating upon the exciting sound the gear change made rather than actually looking where he was bloody well going, he then rather sadly nearly killed himself upon it - putting the entire Technopop project on hold whilst he recovered from his injuries.

And it was during his recovery time that some exciting new digital technologies coincidentally came to the commercial fore and - not wanting their futuristic band to suddenly be consigned to a part of the past - Kraftwerk thus ditched the entire album they had just recorded and recreated it all again in the digital environment instead :

http://www.kraftwerkfaq.com/recordings.html#technopop

As such Musique Non Stop is a place where the band changed, and was therefore mildly controversial in Kraftwerk circles at the time, as it is a song that stands at the crossroads between two worlds - originally created in the analogue world like all their previous music had been, but now recreated and existing in the digital world like all of their (and just about everybody else’s) music from now on surely would.

In an irony some oh so futuristic Kraftwerk fans didn’t seem to spot however, alot of them were a bit scared of change - with them being downright suspicious of digitalness generally and therefore this record specifically - with the upshot being that not many people bought this pariah of a record even if it is now considered, for very good reason, to be a bit of a classic.

Want to hear the album which was renamed Electric Cafe ? The first three tracks are minimilistic magnificence personified… and terrifyingly prescient of the music that was about to occur :

http://tinyurl.com/cfjvgg

A Digital Universe In An Analogue World

” If I could write the beauty of your eyes
And in fresh numbers number all your graces
The age to come would say, This poet lies;
Such heavenly touches ne’er touched earthly faces.’ “
 

William Shakespeare - Sonnet 17

And the importance of the crossroads where this song stands cannot be underestimated.

After all, man’s ability to manipulate his own environment is what makes him inherently human and is one thing which separates us from being purely animal. In the past however our manipulation had always been within the analogue environment - ie on The Earth, constructing things like stone circles and cathedrals to make our mark upon the land and mould it to our cultural expectations.

The digital domain though is of course entirely different - as here Man has seemingly done the impossible and created what is essentially a totally new universe within the world itself which We are the God of.  This new digital universe, unlike our analogue one, can have no actual meaning as part of it’s make up however as it is constructed purely out of binary numbers (or, to put it another way, any human beauty of any human eyes when placed into it is digitally turned into fresh numbers) :

http://openlearn.open.ac.uk/mod/resource/view.php?id=187488

“…a piece of music has meaning for us… but when we take these things across the boundary, they are stripped of their meaning. They just become numbers, their human associations lost. If their meaning is to be regained, they must be transported back from the digital to the human world.”

As such meaning must thus be plastered onto whatever objects we put in the digital domain and are now transporting back. But the problem with plastering meaning onto objects rather than just having feelings about them is that you end up objectifying them ie your feelings about them become exaggerated - something that Lara Croft can more than attest to.

In Kraftwerk’s case the transporting back process is just a question of performing the songs they put there, and they thus gain whatever exaggerated meaning we perceive about them at the time. In other words, although “such heavenly touches ne’er touched earthly faces” they do touch objectified unearthly ones.

And this is presumably why Kraftwerk inspire such huge devotion, and also why a total of seven spoken words put over a sparse electronic beat with no discernible bassline can feel curiously and oddly emotional - as the meaning of Musique Non Stop is quite literally… what you please :

http://openlearn.open.ac.uk/course/view.php?id=1306

http://www.kraftwerk.com/

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence
Current Value : 3 pounds and 37 pence. Gosh, this wasn’t just not a hit in the UK but anywhere. Every single country it was released in… it totally stopped.
Current Profit : 332 pounds and 55 pence. You, like me, probably ignore this bit these days. But hey, it’s musique to my ears.

Want to hear some cover versions of this song? Make the most of them, this has never happened before. Click here.

Want to hear Karl Bartos’ (a Kraftwerk founder member but now ex-Kraftwerk) fantabulous version of Baby Come Back ? It is almost precisely like Musique Non Stop - but on much stronger drugs :

Supporting Cast Update : Smith, Will

 

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Band names are notoriously tricky things to get right.

If, for example, four people from Liverpool didn’t happen to chance upon a way to write what some people believe to be the best songs of all creation - thus making the name of their band an integral part of our cultural landscape - we wouldn’t be spending every 5 years sitting around yetafuckingain disecting the somewhat overstated merits of Sergeant Bloody Pepper, I can tell you.

Nope, instead the elephant in the room would become suddenly apparent as it became blindingly obvious what a dreadful band name The Beatles actually is. ie Merely the genre of the music the group chose to play - what was referred to at the time as beat music - with the letters l, e and s rather lazily crammed in after it.

So used are we to encountering the name The Beatles, and in an attempt to appreciate how awful it would have sounded in its historical context, let us take a look at what would happen if a few hitherto not yet formed bands of the modern era followed the same idea :

The Krunkles -  more breakfast cereal than street

The Raples - socially unacceptable

The Emoles -  a fey indie band that should have both formed and split in 1997.

Using the agreed standardised format for band names - the usage of the word The followed by whatever Something you like the sound of which hasn’t yet previously been taken - is also incredibly arrogant.

“I am not any old something,” it says to anyone who cares to listen, “I am The Something. The Definitive Something.”

Whilst The Smiths tried to vaguely subvert this by making their Something after the The something incredibly commonplace, if they were half as clever as they thought they were then they would have taken a leaf out of A House’s book… and called themselves A Smith instead.

For the usage of the prefix A is one which immediately bristles excitedly with the idea of equal community. “Come on! Why not form your own band and call it, oh I don’t know, Another House,” this bandname suggests in comparison to the The ones, “You could then move in next door, we could all strum our jangly guitars together in the communal garden in a vaguely angry way and then pop down the pub every now and again for a pint. It would make us all truly… Heart Happy.”

What Do They Mean By Heart Happy ?

Heart Happy is that incredible fluttery feeling which seems to emerge from your heart and uncontrollably spread around the rest of your body, your very world view and overall demeanor during those first moments where you sense the possibility of falling stupidly in love. It is your brain and body expressed as feeling - a recognition that an interaction with another individual of which you currently know very little, seems to offer the chance of taking the currently sad and broken you and transforming it into some sort of cohesive happy whole.

If you are coincidentally lucky/unlucky (delete according to personal preference) enough to currently be experiencing such a sensation as you are reading this then beware, as this song comes with a warning : when a person you don’t know very well speaks their language and the words they choose to impart to you are ones which drool endlessly on about what a truly incredible person / kisser / shag you are, it is all too easy to start believing their overdressed mouth and end up tripping on vanity’s floor.

I Didn’t Even Know Vanity Had A Floor.

Well it does, and I’ve been there - and if you ever find yourself lying prostrate in this position having just made a total tit of yourself and cocked pretty much everything up, then I would recommend doing what the lead singer of A House does in the outro and endlessly repeat

“I’m happy. I’m happy. I’m happy. I’m happy…”

in an attempt to try and convince yourself of this fact.

After all, he doesn’t sound like he remotely believes it - sounding for all the world like he is recording his vocal whilst simultaneously being forced by the record producer to walk bearfoot across the hot tin roof of the house next door - and nor will you but, hey, a sad heart wears many faces… so it certainly seems like a good place to start.

Are A House Still Standing ?

They have sadly been demolished.

Before the wrecker’s ball struck into the heart of the household however, the core residents appear to have been Dave Couse on shrieky vocals, Martin Healy on bouncy bass, and the - not remotely do I sound like a children’s TV character - Fergal Bunbury on scratchy guitar. Despite being called A House in the singular they actually had many houses, as they rather greedily got through an astounding four record labels during the twelve years of their construction before finally not really trusting their foundations anymore and classing themselves as uninhabitable.

http://www.zop.ca/discog.cfm

Alot of people really rate this band incidentally - and although Light A Big Fire may well feel that they have a decent claim also - many think they are The Great Lost Irish Band Of All Time.

They are arguably most famous for releasing a song called Endless Art which lists the names of lots of dead people. It caused a minor controversy in as much as some journalist or other noted that every single person on the list was male and, for reasons that I can’t currently fathom, this fact was apparently Very Important At The Time.

To counteract this A House then recorded another version called More Endless Art where the list of names were entirely female. This affirmative action didn’t appease the pedants however who argued that all women wanted was equal access to the original song in the first place, and not to be fobbed off with a completely different song which frankly didn’t scan quite so well. Oh well, you can’t please everyone - want to know which one you prefer ?

Male :

Female :

Want to see Dave perform an updated version with Neil Hannon ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmEvTa7Npk0

Oh, and here is someone with far too much time on their hands :

http://www.mrpayne.com/2005/08/19/endless-art/

Where Are They Now ?

The good news is that they are all still going and that they all seem tremendously nice. Dave and Fergal are currently playing in a band called The Impossible whose most recent album The World Should Know was released in 2006 :

http://www.davecouse.com/

http://www.myspace.com/davecouse

Whilst Martin is currently in a band called Pony Club, and - in an apparent fit of rage that it wasn’t him who was given the wonderful name of Fergal Bunbury - seems instead to have decided to dress like a children’s TV character in an attempt to regain the initiative :

http://www.ponyclub.tv/

http://www.myspace.com/ponyclub

I Feel Love…

If you do then it seems likely you are currently overdosing on Dopamine and Norepinephren - as these are the chemicals that apparently give us that initial Heart Happyish feeling. After they make an appearance, and you have discovered that you really rather like snogging them, Oxytocin raises its head to help create the idea that we have a connection with the individual concerned before Vassopressin finally kicks in to try and make us stay together :

http://www.essortment.com/lifestyle/relationshipadv_tukr.htm

Interestingly, some scientists claim that Dopamine is as addictive as cocaine (which some claim is completely non-addictive of course - although these people always seem to be particularly heavy users of the stuff in my experience so their judgement should not necessarily be trusted). Dodgy drug comparisons aside however, the effects of Dopamine can physiologically last up to seven years before disappearing - hence, presumably, the itch.

http://www.dimaggio.org/Eye-Openers/what_is_love.htm

So, the next time you find yourself tripping on vanity’s floor just remember: blame the Dopamine. Well, unless it is this Vanity’s floor :

http://www.clubvanity.co.uk/

In which case I would blame the cocktails.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence
Current Value : 2 pounds and 90 pence. I’m happy.
Current Profit : 226 pounds and 99 pence.  Want to watch The Impossible performing a lovely old A House song called I Am Afraid in 2006 ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EsHWTW0qx8

Whilst we are on the subject of feeling love, why not take a listen to A House’s quite astounding version of I Feel Love ?

Supporting Cast Update : Beatles, The;  Smiths, The

 

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

 

” Silence is golden, but you’re extra quiet…
Why don’t you shout or scream or… anything ?”

The Quiet Look - Thomas Wayne

The problem with total silence in love and relationships is that it doesn’t really say very much.

If you are the one instigating the silence then it is very easy to get all mixed up in the perceived profound enigmatic meaningfulness of it all, making you feel like you are starring in a black and white 50’s melodrama - forever staring into the middle distance through the steam of a nearby locomotive.

This perception however is a misperception – as if you ever got around to opening your big fat mouth and actually decided to ask the person on the receiving end of this nothingness precisely what they were getting out of the entire experience, then their answer would be ‘Pretty much fuck all to be honest’.

For silence, by its very nature, is impossible to interact with. Indeed, some would argue that by facing complete and utter silence it only makes for an increased likelihood that the person inflicted by it will go ahead and repeat the actions that possibly made you go all silent in the first place. This is however just a supposition of course, as the silence isn’t telling anybody anything, not even something remotely helpful such as ‘Will you please stop doing that, it’s really bloody annoying.’

The best way to deal with silence is to treat it as that most wonderful invention of popular music, the gap – after all we all love a good gap don’t we? And the reason we love them is that a gap isn’t silence per se, but merely a quiet bit that occurs between two other reasonably closely placed noisier bits, giving the pause context and thus turning it into a contemplative mouth watering moment to savour – but, importantly, only because you are safe in the knowledge that it isn’t going to go on forever.

If viewed in this way the silence can, like many mornings before it, finally be broken and in its place will stand the admittedly terrifying but ultimately wondrous joy of flawed human interaction. In short, in the same way that all the best musical gaps are bridged by our expectations of the music to come, we must bridge our own gaps with the hope of conversation to come - and we can only do this with an open heart of love, fear and trust so that our emotions can move on, be resolved or sadly ended.

With all of this in mind, Falco’s decision to start the very first line of his very first verse with the slightly defeatist words ‘What else is there to say? We’ve seen it all before…’ may seem initially foolhardy. It is however, a masterstroke – as this song is fucking superb.

Errr… Are You Sure ?

This fact may seem hard to grasp as the intro kicks in with Falco stutteringly informing you that he is indeed ’so emo mo mo mo mo mo mo mo motional’ in the manner of a man with Tourettes forever on the brink of screaming motherfucking into your ever shocked face, and then immediately following this with a backing singer overemoting a ‘yeah yeah yeah‘ to such a degree that you may fear for both

a) your sanity, and

b) the apparent imminent onslaught of a late career George Michael schmaltzfest.

However, if you can make it beyond this point you soon realise that with Emotional Falco has realised that just by writing this song the silence which he is experiencing will be broken, and the gap that is now his past be created. The verses then don’t really say very much at all in their strange broken English - after all, what else is there truly to say? We’ve seen it all before. It is a story, as Morrissey once said, that goes on -  but in actuality they are cleverly created to replicate those moments when you too in similar circumstances mutter drunkenly to yourself during those long dark lonely nights. When you too say things all too disturbingly similar and equally nonsensical to yourself - if only you were ever stupid enough to record them and play them back in the cold light of day like Falco did.

At least I say that he is speaking in broken English, but this a hope more than anything from certain knowledge – as if his wording is 100% accurate then when he says ‘I know there isn’t a woman being born who can take me as I am…’ he is setting the age limit for any possible future lovers at a shockingly low level.

What Happens Next ?

After quietly talking to himself for a few moments, and still receiving no response from the cold empty house that surrounds him, Falco senses that if there really is nothing more to say… then all he can do is feel and thus flies into the alcoholic self obsessed rage of the chorus - before finally reaching his crescendo where, tired and emotional he breaks down and criiiiiiiiiiies. This is the relief, the plateau of both the song and his emotions… the moment where you cry so much you fear may vomit – but God do you need to express it.

‘ Been That ! Been That ! Done That! ‘

Haven’t we all - and interestingly, this incredibly accurate portrayal of the feelings of lost love all then happens again. And again. And again – so Emotional is thus in essence a musical expression of the cyclic nature of post relationship grief itself.

Indeed, if you have just coincidentally lost that incredibly beautiful and astounding person who you fell worryingly in love with recently, then your heart may well jump when you hear Falco announce that he had ‘my the woman right here, I had her in the palm of my hand’ with ever increasing shriekiness and increasingly poignant nonsensical words shoved after it, then it may be sadly broken when at four minutes he screams ‘HE’S GOT TEARS IN HIS EYES’ whilst worryingly referring to himself in the third person, and it may finally stop entirely when - noticing that this song is in fact only him breaking his own internal silence, and that he is still totally and utterly and profoundly alone – he does Thomas Wayne proud and shouts and screams and… everythings ‘CMON! CMON! CMON!’ relentlessly during the outro at his stupid stupid self in the mirror, surveying a man who has lost everything but is still confoundingly in love with a person who really couldn’t give a fuck about him either way.

Astoundingly brilliant.

Where Is Falco Now ?

He died young.

He died alone.

Killed. In a car accident.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Falco_(musician)

http://www.falco.at/

Errr… That News Has Made Me Quite Emotional…

Quite right too, as if you forget about all that Rock Me Amadeus nonsense – a song which, if we’re being honest rather than ironic, frankly hasn’t aged well – you will very quickly note that Falco was, without a doubt, a bit of a pop genius.

Don’t believe me? Try this – it is one of the songs on the other record in this double pack, is called Ganz Wein and not only does it overuse one of those fantastic drums that goes Booo! to within an inch of it’s Booo!ey life, it also contains some Da Na Na Na’s even Sudden Sway would find hard to replicate so succinctly, and soon erupts into a collision of utter chaos and silly over the top shouting.

Fabulous or what?

If you enjoyed that then I would recommend you go away and track down The Final Curtain – his Best Of – like I just have, as incredibly that isn’t even the best song on there… but it’s not cheap, I warn you now:

http://www.cduniverse.com/search/xx/music/pid/1246924/a/Final+Curtain-Ultimate.htm

What’s That Quote From Thomas Wayne All About ?

It is from a song culled from a brilliant 3 CD set of 50’s Teen Angst Classics called Midnight Cryin’ Time - all of course precursors for Emotional itself - and it is definitely worth your money too:

http://www.amazon.com/Midnight-Cryin-Time/dp/B000089HCN

Want to hear the song ?

Tell Me About Thomas…

All I can say is that up until 5 minutes ago I knew absolutely nothing about him at all - but he has just very successfully spooked the living hell out of me. Why?

He also died young.

He also died alone.

Killed. In a car accident.

So… both Falco’s and Thomas’s stories of searching for a personal peace during the disturbingly brief spell we have on this planet are, it turns out, terrifically sadly interlinked and shockingly cut short - a Tragedy you could say :

http://tinyurl.com/cr7bs7

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence
Current Value : 3 pounds and fifty pence.  A nice price, but not enough to take my mind off that not particularly cheerful resolution. Why not go and listen to the best gap we have on here to make you smile again - the sensational Breakin’ Up Breakin’ Down.
Current Profit : 223 pounds and 24 pence. It’s been… emotional.

  

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

“Death is a vast mystery, but there are two things we can say about it: It is absolutely certain that we will die, and it is uncertain when or how we will die. The only surety we have, then, is this uncertainty about the hour of our death, which we seize on as the excuse to postpone facing death directly. We are like children who cover their eyes in a game of hide-and-seek and think that no one can see them.”

The Tibetan Book Of Living and Dying
Sogyal Rinpoche

Everywhere is death.

From the most fragrant of flowers to the most sensual of sunrises to the loved one you hold when you awake of a morning, everything is decapitated by death.

Given birth recently ?

Congratulations, you have just given birth to death.

The curse of decay arrogantly inflicted upon you with no discussion or consultation with yourself, has now successfully been thrusted upon another whose life may give the illusion of difference – but is really just one more in the multitude of slow marches to the agony of non-existence.

What made you think giving birth to certain death would make you feel any better about yourself?

Just look around you – puncture the façade of beauty that forever surrounds and focus on the sadness within… concentrate on the inner truth of everybody and everything’s imminent death.

Don’t try to avert your gaze, and definitely don’t close your eyes – for the dancing lights and blackness you’ll see is the inside of your eyelids slowly but surely decaying right in front of you and moving you solidly, firmly towards your own destruction.

‘Look at me…’ croaks Gary Numan taking on the surprising guise and persona of a nice fluffy Alsatian puppy, ‘ I’m crying…‘

And so you should be Alsatian Gary – because essentially, you’re totally fucked.

And so, rather sadly, am I.

Is this a subtle way of suggesting this song may be more than just a tad depressing ?

Depressing ?

Whatever gave you that idea ?

Oh no, as long as you remember to take the sensible precaution of gauging both your eardrums out with a plastic fork before the drums whirr into life sounding eerily reminiscent of the distant clanking of a meat processing factory for Pedigree Chum, I am sure you’ll find it a very positive and uplifting experience.

‘How can they do this to me…’

Still, your ensuing depression is all for a good cause – as my 8 theoretical pence has just been given by Alsatian Gary to the RSPCA, which is a nice thing to do isn’t it ? What’s more, this 8 pence is probably just about enough to fill one seventh of a can of that aforementioned dog food.

And it is really probably worth trying to remember this heart warming act of charity when, as a direct result of you listening to this song all the way through to the end where Alsatian Gary eventually dies, you find yourself crouched and sobbing in the kitchen sawing through your own wrists with a bread knife.

‘How can they do this to me… again ?’

There is one other really fucking depressing song on I Am Not The Beatles which was also coincidentally recorded in the name of the RSPCA and, although no dogs graphically died during Barbara Dickson’s theme tune to the BBC programme Animal Squad, this still wasn’t enough to stop me wishing that a rottweiller was violently chewing my face off by the end of it.

http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?p=337

This does seem initially a bit weird though as these two songs, and Gary’s in particular, are certainly pretty bizarre attempts at charity records – I mean what’s wrong with the bloody RSPCA, can’t we expect a little bit of… hope ?

Why can’t we have a nice uplifting ditty, like Gary covering the completely brilliant Love Kitten by Noreen Corcoran for example…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6qeLL1WWgk&feature=related

…with a nice accompanying video of cute kittens bouncing up and down on his ever leather clad knees ? Wouldn’t that be more likely to, well you know, sell more copies and therefore make more money – which is surely the entire point of the exercise ?

On further investigation however all becomes astonishingly clear, as Barbara and Gary’s records are actually inextricably intertwined… yes, if you watch the video for this song over at youtube, it is explained that I Still Remember was written as a direct result of watching the programme Barbara sang the theme tune too.

In other words, Gary Numan wrote a really depressing song… because he got utterly depressed after listening to Barbara’s - and I own bloody both of them.

‘Look at me, I’m dying…’ we thus get instead of lovely huggable kittens, ‘… all this must end some day…’ just as the song, rather ironically, suffers a major seizure and stops.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlHBN3RHl4I

Is Gary Numan Really Singing From The Perspective Of A Cute Alsatian Puppy ?

Yes he really is – his website states the following :

‘This version features a different lyric to the version which appears on The Fury album, being written from the point of view of an abused dog.’

And it is this incredible poochfact, mixed with the image of Gary Numan chewing on a bone in the recording studio as he attempts to get into character, that has informed my decision to categorise this record as absolutely totally fucking brilliant.

If you can’t really understand my rationale here then let me helpfully restate the reason for you in capital letters :

THIS IS GARY NUMAN. PRETENDING TO BE A DOG.

Where Is Gary Now ?

He is at the following link which shows that, although Gary may no longer actually be a dog these days, he has certainly got a dog of a website :

http://www.numan.co.uk/index.html

“If this is your first visit to NuWorld we suggest you go to the Guide section first to see what the site has to offer” it initially helpfully states. So, off you pop to the guide, only for the resulting page to tell you that the page you have just come from is in fact ‘… the initial point of entry for new viewers and is best used as a starting point for all visits to this site…’ and you thus then get caught in your special own online remix of Nietzsche’s Eternal Return - which is always an ill advised thing to do at the best of times.

Anyway, if you get past that, you may be interested to note that Gary has just released a new live DVD called ‘Jagged Edge’.

‘The sheer strength of the album, the fantastic attitude of the fans and a truly remarkable performance by the band made it a night to remember.’

Says Gary.

About his own performance.

http://nushop.usp.net/info_page.cfm?FORMProductID=481

Oooh before the money update, and whilst we are on the subject of Gary Numan, tell me - do you have any ‘friends’ which happen to be electric ?

No I don’t.

But I do keep a few in my bedside drawer which are battery operated if it helps.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence
Current Value : 3 pounds and 50 pennies – this is exactly the same amount as When In Rome’s ever malleable Sight Of Your Tears … whose review also mentioned industrial meat processing. Which is odd. http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?p=91
Current Profit : 209 pounds and 25 pence. Incidentally, that dog of the cover is called Lisa and belonged to Gary Numan’s mum and dad - although she is of course now dead… just like we will all be pretty darn soon. So, with this sobering fact in mind, you may find yourself wanting to read some more extracts from Sogyal Rinpoche’s really quite interesting Tibetan Book Of Living and Dying. It may not cheer you up much though :

http://www.rigpaus.org/WIR/TBLD/Understanding_death.html

Supporting Cast Update : Corcoran, Noreen; Nietzsche, Friedrich

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Do you remember Tommy ?

Of course I do. How is he these days ?

Tremendously well… he’s got himself a good job.

Really ? What excellent news. It’s been ages since he was sacked from the Ealing branch of Homebase for beating up the coloureds.

I beg your pardon ?

Obviously beating up the coloureds wasn’t enough to make him lose his job at Homebase in itself – oh no, he had to spend a good afternoon beating up the queers as well in order to ensure anything like that occurred - but… anyway, what am I talking about… that was years ago and we’ve all moved on since then. So what is this new good job that Tommy has now ?

Errr…

Yes ?

Well, now…he walks around Belfast…

Yes ?

…beating up the coloureds and beating up the queers.

Oh.

Are those the kind of people skills that can get you gainfully employed these days ?

Apparently yes.

Gosh, the job market really has changed since I last looked– still, he did have a particular penchant for it if I recall the local newspaper headlines correctly, so it’s nice that he’s found his niche. Is he happy ?

Absolutely – he fucking hates coloureds and queers so he’s having a great time.

What about coloured queers ?

Sorry ?

I already note that his job description obviously relates his tremendous propensity for beating up coloureds and queers in total isolation of each other – but what if you happen to be both ? Is this something Tommy can help with ?

Well, he’s only been doing the job for a couple of weeks so I suspect he needs to hand off those more complex and sensitive cases of integrated colouredyqueerness for his senior officers to deal with… but if I know Tommy as well as I think I do, it won’t be too long before he gets promoted so he can beat them up all by himself.

Good for him… I doubt I’d be very good at his good job though - after all, I rather like coloureds and queers.

What? All Coloureds And Queers ?

Well no, obviously not all coloured and queers – a certain percentage of the human race, as I assume you are suggesting, are always bound to be utter wankers – that’s just a fact of life. Indeed, I was at a dinner party with a friend of mine just the other day and during one of those embarrassing moments where the conversation briefly dried up the hostess turned to him and cooed “Oooh, you should meet Jonathan.. he’s black and gay too…”

How did your friend respond ?

“ I am sure he is, but he may also be a twat. ”

Good point.

I thought so.

Is There Anything Queer About This Record?

Yes there is.

Firstly the record label, you will note in the gallery, is marked not as A and B but as side C and side D - and secondly this poor unloved record doesn’t even have it’s own record sleeve to cover it’s fragile nakedness, which means it’s all gone a bit crackly. The only sad conclusion we can draw from this is that it used to be part of one of those new fangled doublepacks - even if I can’t find out for the life of me what the other record may have actually been.

In a way though this doesn’t really matter as, in a bizarre implementation of fascist segregationist policy, Tommy’s Got A Good Job has obviously been ripped heartlessly from the bosom of it’s immediate family by the record shop owner and then thrown naked and alone into an anonymous pack of 12… before almost being suffocated to death in clingfilm.

Is it, we must openly question, because it is black ?

Tell Me About Light A Big Fire

A few people rate Light A Big Fire alot - and on the strength of this song alone I don’t really blame them. Some claim they are the best Irish band of the era. I unfortunately can’t tell you about every single person involved in the band for the very good reason that I have no idea who most of them actually are, but two people have certainly emerged smiling eagerly from the ashes :

a) Their drummer is a chap called Mark Sheppard - who has also played drums for Robyn Hitchcock and Television Personalities in his time. He has since given up drumming however, has moved to Los Angeles and become an actor - seen most recently with Michelle Ryan in Bionic Woman:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Sheppard

b) The singer and songwriter in Light A Big Fire is one Thomas McLaughlin and he is now a playwright - although he also composes music for theatre, rather poshly is a board member of the Irish Playwrights and Screenwriters Guild and, just like Mark, has even been known to tread the boards himself :

http://www.irishplayography.com/search/person.asp?PersonID=1695

Incidentally his play The Way The Buffalo Went looks really rather fabulous, based as it is on the life of a lady called Sarah Winchester. Just read this fascinating blurb… she was the

“widow of the inventor of the Winchester repeating rifle which played a leading role in the annihilation of Native Americans. Following her husband’s death, Sarah’s guilt drove her to a medium who advised her to protect herself by always living in a remote house that was always in a state of construction. When she died thirty years later, Sarah Winchester left behind a house containing 160 rooms, 10,000 windows, 467 doors, 47 fireplaces, 40 staircases, 6 kitchens and 3 lifts.”

Want to see the ridiculously large house ?

http://www.winchestermysteryhouse.com/press.html

Want to see the ridiculously large factory where the guns were made ?

http://www.winchestercollector.org/guns/w-history.shtml

Can You Tell Me About Beating Up The Coloureds And Beating Up The Queers Of Northern Ireland Please ?

Errr… kind of…

I would recommend a quick squizz at Divided Society - Ethnic Minorities and Racism in Northern Ireland :

http://tinyurl.com/5ztyrs

which is very interesting as it essentially suggests that because of that whole Catholic/Protestant stuff any other religious/ethnic minority rarely gets a look in - and, when you’ve read that… why not note that, in 1999 at least, gay men in Ulster were 30 times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual counterparts mainly due to bullying :

http://news.ulster.ac.uk/releases/1999/168.html

whilst homophobic attacks in Northern Ireland apparently doubled in 2004 :

http://tinyurl.com/5ouoz7

All of which isn’t - I will admit - exactly uplifting reading.

I Am A Bit Depressed Now. Can You Tell Me About Some Fantastic Ways To Light A Big Fire Of My Own ?

I would recommend undertaking such an exciting endeavour with either just a Coke Can and some chocolate for company… or a 9 volt battery and some steel wool :

http://tinyurl.com/4jaqd8

Which all looks rather fun.

Any Big Conclusion To Relight My Fire With ?

Yes.

This song is one of three live recordings on this record and, seeing as it was the bit of a package that was supposed to be free with something else, no real one song is the A side as such. I chose Tommy’s Got A Good Job because frankly, it is obviously utterly brilliant - despite the inherent scratchiness. After all, a little bit scratchy is precisely what I would be feeling like if I had been lying naked in a box for twenty years too… so I can feel it’s pain.

If you want to hear the original version of this song then follow the next link - I warn you though after hearing the superfast rough and tumbly live version, then the slightly slower Official Studio Version can seem a little too polite in comparison :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpPXyDndQFY

Still, you might get a chance to see it live for real soon… as there are nine Light A Big Fire songs to listen too at Youtube - and a comment left at one of them by somebody who claims to know, says an imminent reformation is due… in November.

So this is our bread today, but that maybe our jam tomorrow.

Money Update

Cost - 8 pence
Current Value - An orphaned record with no sleeve that was supposed to free and attached to another bit which I never had ? You’ve guessed it…Minus 8 pence.
Current Profit - 195 pounds and 68 pence. Definitely not a good job.

Supporting Cast Update : Television Personalities; Hitchcock, Robyn