I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Jean Beauvoir has a rather unusual party trick.

When he stands in front of a 100 watt lightbulb, has precisely the right amount of his mum’s talcum powder blown into his face by an industrial strength snow machine, and thrusts his head back as far as it can go thus exposing his voluptuous adam’s apple - the resulting neck shadow on his bedroom wall looks just like the carving of Abraham Lincoln in Mount Rushmore on a scorchingly hot misty morning.

It is a desperate shame the photographer didn’t get quite the right angle, because it really is dreadfully impressive.

What Exactly Is This Heat Jean is Feeling ?

The heat of time passing and the feeling of his own imminent death.

That Sounds A Bit Depressing. Are You Sure ?

Oh yes.

You see, Jean has been dangling his dangly bits in places where they really shouldn’t have been dangled and is feeling slightly bad about the whole scenario. Poor old Jean knows he’s been doing wrong and he wants to stop, but that ever dastardly time has been turning though his mind and he is starting to feel the heat of his own mortality and resulting predictable lonely death.

After a few throaty minutes considering his options however, he eventually decides to have another quick dangle anyway. After all, you only live once don’t you ?

As reasons for infidelity go, it certainly beats ‘I was drunk.’

Can You Feel The Heat ?

Yes I can.

The sure knowledge that - despite the emotional pain we experience on a daily basis - we will all face our own death scared and alone mixed with the fact that within 100 years nobody will know we were ever here, let alone care, is a tough one for us all to face.

Despite this existential angst however, my dangly bits are being very firmly dangled where they should be being dangled thanks very much.

Is Jean Beauvoir His Real Name ?

I was utterly convinced it was a totally made up concoction styled with his own vanity (his surname translates, after all, as beautiful to see) but, no, I was wrong : it’s his real name alright.

I Bet His Story Is Really Dull…

You may find this very very hard to believe - I certainly did - but his story is actually absolutely fascinating.

Jean is apparently of Haitian descent and was born in Chicago. When he was 13 he was so determined to be a performer he lied about his true age and managed to get himself recruited to be the musical director for very successful singer Gary US Bonds (who was so well known in America at that time he actually consistently headlined above The Beatles).

As a result of this, Jean then went on to do shows with such luminaries as Bo Diddley and Chuck Berry. As if this wasn’t enough for a thirteen year old, he was then recruited to become the lead singer in an incarnation of The Flamingos (most famous for I Only Have Eyes For You):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Flamingos

After this (now at the ripe old age of 15) sensing he hadn’t really achieved that much in his life yet, he moved to New York and joined a band who very quickly turned into the horribly well respected Plasmatics with Wendy O Williams :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Plasmatics

http://www.plasmatics.com/

Fastforwarding a few years to Feel The Heat, the album this song came from sold an incredible 1.5 million copies wordwide and Feel The Heat was used as the theme tune for yet another film I’ve never seen : Cobra with Sylvester Stallone.

http://www.joblo.com/arrow/reviews.php?id=935

From hereon in, his life is a who’s who of the corporate rock empire and also an exhaustive lesson in how to make quite literally shitloads of money in the music world. Take a look :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean_Beauvoir

Brace yourselves though, some of his history does involve Shalamar :

http://www.rathole.com/fireworks/23/4.asp

Anyway, Jean is still with us, no longer has a talcum powder fetish and is obviously stupidly loaded. These days he has a goatee, a very strange pair of eyebrows and no other visible hair to speak of :

http://www.jeanbeauvoir.com/

Gosh. Do You Have Any Dangerously Long Interviews With Jean For Me To Read ?

I certainly do.

If you’ve always wondered how Jean thinks Chameleon compares to Drums Along the Mohawk in terms of his progression as a songwriter (The answer is that he asks himself that very question all the time) - now is your chance to find out :

http://www.the-fuze.com/jean_beauvoir.html

If Jean Hadn’t Written This Song To Tell Me, How Else Could I Have Discovered His Infidelity ?

In her book ‘Is He Cheating On You? 829 Telltale Signs’, Ruth Houston rather unsurprisingly claims there are… 829 telltale signs :

http://www.ishecheatingonyou.com/

I like Ruth, partly because she refers to herself as an ‘infidelity expert’ - which frankly sounds like the best job in the world - but also because she feels the need to point out that ‘No special skills or equipment are needed’.

I also particularly like her advice if you are worried your loved one is secretly shagging your best friend, which is this : if your best friend happens to show you something new like jewellery or lingerie at some vague point after Valentine’s day… always ask them to show you the receipt.

Subtle or what ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Jean maybe mind bogglingly rich but his record is quite literally worthless. There are none anywhere - and I must therefore record our third desperately disappointing minus 8 pence. With this frankly damning outcome he joins the not remotely poncey Latin Quarter and not remotely sexy Georgio… at the bottom of the pile. Oh well, want to hear the 12″ ? If you don’t laugh at some point in the first two minutes - existential angst or not - you are very possibly dead already :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNpk_Z1h3As&feature=related

Current Profit : 157 pounds and 93 pence. Bugger. We’ve gone down - and not,as Jean’s front cover is really trying to suggest, in a good way.

Supporting Cast Update : Bonds, Gary US; Diddley, Bo; Berry, Chuck; Flamingos, The; Williams, Wendy O; Stallone, Sylvester

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

The breakdown of any long term relationship is a devastating time for everyone involved.

If you are friends with the two poor suffering individuals, it can be an emotionally fraught experience for you too. The word ‘divorced’ is clinical law based phraseology hiding all the bitterness that flows like molten lava beneath the surface, burning and scolding everything in its path. We have all seen friends get divorced, and to watch people you care about go through such intense emotional hardship is beyond words.

In the case of marriage, two people are so utterly convinced in the loving bond of trust they have discovered in each others inner selves, they express this commitment and desire to be together for the rest of their lives in the form of vows - in front of overjoyed friends and family. To see this kindness and sensitive openness years later descend into vitriol, hate, humiliation and disgust in each other is a lesson into how fragile the human condition truly is.

At least, that’s my opinion.

Alan Darby disagrees.

There is a common truism in the recycling world that there is no ‘away’ to throw things. This maybe correct, but you get the feeling on this record that Alan seems to believe that he has at least found an ‘away’ to throw his end - into a friend of his : a scared, emotionally scarred and about to be divorced woman. He keeps trying to appear caring and loving and not thinking about her pants but no matter how many times he re-phrases his words, his penis keeps rearing it’s ugly head.

The main chorus, for example, starts with a really lovely image of the couple in question at the beginning of their love affair. They are a ‘boy and girl’, with heads in hearts. That’s an arresting thought isn’t it? Your head in both your own heart and the heart of your lover. These two intertwined people then sadly turn, years later, into a lonesome ‘man and woman, dancing apart’. Nice, eh?

He soon ruins it though. He can’t help using this distance on the dancefloor between the two estranged lovers to his own advantage, and motions over to the lady in question to “Come closer, and talk to me.” If I was this woman I wouldn’t be tempted, as I suspect the word ‘closer’ in Alan’s strange world actually means ‘into a toilet cubicle’ and ‘me’ means ‘my penis’.

The dirty bastard.

What’s the music like ?

Disturbing.

If you make it to two minutes, this song has the worst guitar solo you will perhaps ever hear. It’s like listening to a gurning middle aged man cutting down metal trees with a chainsaw.

Then in the outro, having demolished them, he inexplicably turns into Sting – and there’s no need for that.

Ok, We’ve Suffered, Is Alan Still Around ?

Yes he is, and what is more I can guarantee that some of you have actually seen him play live recently…

http://www.wwry-london.co.uk/index.php?page=band

Yes, in the past he has been incredibly successful as a session musician with Eric Clapton and his ilk, and is now… a member of the house band for the Queen musical ‘We Will Rock You’.

Now, Alan and I differ in alot of ways. I wouldn’t use a friend’s catastrophic relationship collapse to try and sleep with them, and I also wouldn’t go anywhere near ‘We Will Rock You’ the musical as I believe it is unlikely to be anything other than a rather large pile of poo. Alan, however, I am sure doesn’t care in either respect - and I don’t blame him. I am sure he is getting paid more than I do and he is doing something that likes. In short : I Hate Him.

The link above also tells us that dear old Alan also writes music for the telly… let’s have a look… errr… well it is a slight misnomer, but he does write library music that possibly could turn up on the TV…. oooh, hang on… calm yourselves… here is a whole album of the stuff streaming online for your delectation :

http://www.dewolfe.co.uk/musicsearch/cd_tracks.php?cdnumber=RMCD%202051

Need to remove tension and stress ? Why not pour yourself a relaxing bath of Radox and listen to ’Turtle Watch’ ? ‘Peaceful, Reflective, Uplifting’… it’s bound to work.

Gosh, he’s done loads our Alan : he seems to have kick started his career by writing the theme music for a 1984 film about Barry Sheene called ’Space Riders’

which, according to IMDB, also features a young Marina Sirtis in the rather unenviable role of ’Girl In Porsche’ and music by Queen. In an odd way then, Alan’s career has come full circle - starting and ending (at least for now) under the gaze of Brian May and his loveable spandexed chums… and, for some reason, I find that all vaguely comforting - now, where did I put that Radox?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value: They are hilariously wide ranging. From somebody trying to cash in on all that ‘We Will Rock You’ nonsense by charging 26 pounds, to somebody who is being a little more realistic and asking for, well, 1 pound and 65 pence.

Current Profit : 88 pounds 44 pence. The nineties lie tantalizingly ahead of us – but it’s slow going. Though not exactly still, we are definitely suffering.

EDIT : New information available in ‘Corrections and Clarifications’

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

When in Rome, you do as the Romans do. But what about when in When In Rome ? What do you do then ?

Well, first of all, you will need two friends :

http://tinyurl.com/232t7f

One of you must be Michael Hutchence’s slightly podgier cousin - twice removed - one of you must permanently wear what appears to be a zippable hat, and the other one must hang around on the end as if you are the bodyguard for the other two.

Songwise, you must then release a single that on first listen seems to be unmittigatingly awful but which, on further inspection, reveals itself to be nothing less than Pure Pop Genius. I am not joking : if When In Rome had done the sensible populist thing and started this song with the bloody chorus, it would have been a hit - no question.

As it is, it instead starts with a peculiarly mournful verse which is strangely vocally reminiscent of the kind of tune and harmony Scott Walker would immerse himself in 16 years later. The difference between the two, of course, is that dear old Scott would generally follow up a verse like this by launching into into a crunching, crashing atonal chorus accompanied only by the vicious scrapings of an industrial meat processor and the sound of him slapping his own forehead with mouldy bits of smoked bacon.

When In Rome, however, are not seduced by Scott’s meaty mechanical route and instead decide to produce a chorus so catchy that, if it were a fish, it wouldn’t be hanging around in the river on the off chance your silly maggots happened to tempt it onto your line – it would leap out of the water at the first sight of you and plonk itself straight onto your lap : as if it had caught you.

What’s The Song All About ?

Shagging the locals whilst on holiday without your partners knowledge then feeling a bit guilty about it, essentially.

How Naughty!

Indeed - but this interesting songfact brings us nicely onto your final When In Rome instruction :

If shagging unknown wannabe popstar holidaymakers in Rome is the kind of thing ‘Romans’ generally do ‘do’, then when in When In Rome when in Rome you need to do as the Romans do – in reverse – and then write a song about it.

I Like Gaps

Then you won’t be disappointed. Towards the end of this song there is a gap so large that, if you are a middle class student, you may well be tempted to try and live a whole year of your life within it.

Anything Else To Randomly Note ?

Yes. With ‘Sight Of Your Tears’ , When In Rome may well have created the world’s most versatile song title. By swapping the ‘S’ and the ‘T’ with other letters of the alphabet and/or rhyming words, hundreds of other song titles can also be created :

Night Of Your Fears ( Marilyn Manson )

Right Of Your Peers ( Manic Street Preachers )

Height Of Your Pears ( The Wurzels )

Hmmm…. Where Are They Now ?

Well, When in Rome were formed from the remnants of another band called Beau Leisure which had a lady in it called Corrinne Drewery. Corrinne then left Beau Leisure to form… Swing Out Sister. Now, this is all very interesting I am sure you agree, but the best fact to come out of this is the following : The lead singer of Swing Out Sister’s mum is obviously very lovely. Why ? Because she runs a place called Authorpe HedgeHog Care which is a hospital for ‘weak, ill, sick, injured and orphaned hedghogs’.

Awww, isn’t that nice ? If you ever find yourself near Louth why not pop along? I know I certainly will, it’s not every day that you get a chance to meet a popstar’s mum and stroke a hedgehog :

http://www.lincolnshire.gov.uk/venueDetails.asp?venuecode=334

Anyway, although pretty much unknown in the UK, When In Rome are actually rather cultish as they had a massive 1988 one hit wonder type thing in America with another song called ‘The Promise’ :

http://www.youtube.com/watchv=yVAcAq3MSMY

http://www.lyricsdepot.com/when-in-rome/the-promise.html

They also released one eponymous album which is still available on Amazon :

http://tinyurl.com/3c8rfp

Best Rather Ungenerous Amazon Customer Review ?

“the promise is my all time favorite song of all times….. yes the rest of the album could have used some working on but it has already been 11 years and nothing can be changed now. “

Also….. like FM they have quite literally just reformed. Unlike FM, however, they are playing Hawaii next Saturday - and they claim to be signed to Virgin :

http://www.myspace.com/wheninrome

Gosh.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current value : 3 pounds and 50 pence

Current Profit : 78 pounds and 10 pence. I have now been to When In Rome. But have I ever been to me?