I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Bill Medley would like you to categorically state that you are not in love with him.

Well, that’s easily done - as I’m not.

Brilliant! You’re really good at this!

Good at what ?

Ending your relationship with Bill Medley.

But I’m not in a relationship with Bill Medley – never have been. Indeed, I don’t believe I’ve ever even met the man.

That’s probably just as well to be honest, as it turns out Bill is claiming that he couldn’t give two hoots about you either and – as such - he would now quite like you to run along…

Consider it done.

…and take it like a man.

I’m sorry ?

Bill isn’t entirely clear why you had to start running away for him then to chase you before he made the attempt but don’t worry, he promises to be strong and stand as tall as he can throughout the entire man taking process.

But what if I’m not currently of the persuasion to be Bill Meddled with in this manner ?

Drugs.

He makes it quite clear at 2 minutes and 9 seconds when he says that at that aforementioned moment “ When you say it’s the end… I’ll just hand you a line”.

And in my experience at least, that’s usually enough to turn just about anybody.

Somebody Enter This For Eurovision !

Absolutely.

Despite - or very possibly because of - the slightly disturbing air of sexual tension which hangs around this record, it certainly does have Eurovision potential doesn’t it ?

Greedily, it’s even got not just one but two separate choruses - the second of which makes its first appearance around the 2 minute mark - and seems to exist purely for Bill to coyly suggest that a jolly good fisting might well be in order.

I beg your pardon ?

And it is in the midst of this general fistyness where, just like Falco before him, desperate Bill finally breaks down and criiiiiiies - presumably as he comes to terms with what he has just rather selfishly forced upon you.

Unfortunately however, whereas Falco’s cryyyyyyying was pure raw emotion given context by the cyclic nature of both grief and the song itself, Bill’s criiiiiiies instead sound like he has suddenly and unexpectedly metamorphosed into that incredibly constipated and grunting individual who always seems to be in the neighbouring cubicle to you whenever you are forced by circumstances beyond your control to actually use a public convenience.

What a horrible thought.

It gets worse, as at 3 minutes and 27 seconds - mere moments after yet more constipated cryyyyyyying brings everything to its logical naked from the waist down conclusion - the most astounding thing occurs.

I am not going to ruin it for you with details of exactly what this is, but if you can listen to this bit without picturing Bill’s bowels finally exhaustedly giving up with the sound of a few initial heavy thuds against the stainless steel, and then immediately following this up with an ever quickening stream of other stuff behind it… then you are a stronger person than I.

Can You Stop Talking About Bill Medley’s Bowels Please ?

Apart from saying that I most definitely am not in love with Bill, the other thing I can categorically state is that I have never heard this song before.

Ever.

Oddly however I may well be the only one as, worryingly, it actually has its own Wikipedia page dedicated to it.

Good God. Really ?

Yes. Really.

This is, it turns out, because I’m Gonna Be Strong was originally written in 1963 for Frankie Laine by the husband and wife team of Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil. Although it failed to chart for poor old Frankie, when it was re-recorded one year later by Gene Pitney this song was massive. Indeed, in the UK only Gene’s much later duet with Marc Almond has sold more copies for him.

I can’t find Frankie’s version anywhere which is a shame for comparative purposes, so do you want to hear and watch Gene’s - filmed in those marvellous days when disinterested individuals were allowed to hang around in the background of music shows acting as if the music was an unwelcome distraction to their infinitely much more interesting conversations ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGfvSPLqYFs

Fascinatingly, it was also a minor hit a further 16 years later for a group called Blue Angel - which featured a young Cyndi Lauper as their vocalist

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQ7RdtDisKA

and she still performs it live to this day. Here they both are together, for example, in Argentina :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cxXAwKWukU

Oh, and here is the Wikipedia page which, although telling us all of the above with the rather exciting addition of pictures, oddly fails to note Bill’s rather spangly Euro cover version - which just doesn’t seem right :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I’m_Gonna_Be_Strong

Tell Me About Barry and Cynthia !

They also wrote You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ ( a song which, when I was younger, was single handedly responsible for terrifying me into always closing my eyes whenever I kissed anybody – even my gran) Saturday Night At The Movies and… errr… Somewhere Out There for Linda Rondstadt and James Ingram :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFp10zmArgg

Barry and Cynthia were part of a core group of influential songwriters (alongside Leiber/Stoller, Pomis/Shuman, Goffin/King for example) who were famous for creating the “Brill Building Sound”. If you don’t know all about this, as I can’t say I truly did, why not start brushing up on the very interesting history here :

http://www.spectropop.com/hbrill.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brill_Building

Barry and Cynthia are still going and are still married incidentally - even if Cynthia looks like she has recently been welded to Barry’s back during which intense industrial process her face sadly melted :

http://www.mann-weil.com

Tell Me About Bill !

Despite those earlier protestations we have of course met Bill before, with his terrifyingly rumbly Sylvester Stallone inspired version of He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother - and it’s worth popping off there to find out all about him even if only to note that, for personal reasons I am obviously going to have to come to terms with sooner or later, that review was similarly obsessed with all things bottomlike :

http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?p=408

What Was All That About Fisting ?

The Eurovision Fist is a stage device which must be unashamedly conquered if you wish to stand any chance of ever winning Eurovision. Indeed, so persuasive is its power that at my Eurovision parties all acts get a bonus 10 points on their scorecard for the merest suggestion of it occurring.

For a masterclass in its usage why not take a look at Johnny Logan singing Hold Me Now in 1987. Bravely, he first caresses you with a floppy half fist at 1 minute and 17 seconds as a hint of the pummelling that is surely about to come – before then repeatedly almost ramming you to death with the bloody thing from around the 1 minute 50 mark onwards:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lJCpKDRVII

I Am Not The Beatles Warning : Johnny Logan is a highly trained Eurovision Fisting professional.

Please don’t try this at home.

Thank you.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence
Current Value : 1  I can see it pound and 1 slipping away from me pence.
Current Profit : 224 pounds and 17 pence.  Not a particularly strong showing, it must be said.

Supporting Cast Update : Laine, Frankie; Pitney, Gene; Lauper, Cyndi: Blue Angel; Rondstadt, Linda; Ingram, James; Logan, Johnny

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

“John Moore : musician. Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have via the medium of popular music. Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation from a particularly orange light bulb in the photographers studio alters his body chemistry. And now when John Moore grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs… “

Spoken word intro to The Incredible John (TV Series)

If the hot new date you’ve rather rashly just jumped into bed with decides to unexpectedly announce the onslaught of their impending orgasm by suddenly pausing mid-thrust to put their shades on and sneer ‘Welcome To The Resurrection’ over your shoulder, before then thrashing around wildly inside you not entirely unlike The Lord moving in a very mysterious way - you would perhaps be a tad concerned.

If, in those usually blissful post-coital moments, they then proceed to repeatedly prod you uncomfortably in the buttocks with their guitar, angrily demanding to know ‘Where Do You Think You’re From These Days?’ in a way that suggests they believe the question actually makes any form of sense - you would certainly have the right to end your ‘concern’ and move it up a level to ‘more than just a little uneasy’.

When your terrified muted responses finally enrage them enough so that, like some sort of Nu Rave influenced Incredible Hulk, their skin turns a luminous dayglo orange and they trash your room screaming ‘I’m Out Of My Mind Thinking Only Of You’ whilst vomiting each and every time they reach the end of the phrase - it seems certainly possible you could reach the conclusion that your date selection techniques need a rather radical overhaul.

Oddly however this is precisely the situation which occurs in what can quite literally be described as the climax of this song, as Out Of My Mind is very cleverly designed to mimic the ups and downs of the sex act John Moore so desperately wants to indulge in up your Expressway - at least I am presuming that is what he is referring to when he quietly asks in the second verse if it may possible for him to make love to you in an exotic location.

What’s The Oddest Line ?

In verse one he asks you for some love and affection before adding quite bizarrely that he don’t care where you got it from, as if to suggest that what would really turn him on would be for you to whip out a dildo from under the bed and present it to him with the words “It’s my mother’s…”

I’m Going Out Of My Mind! Tell Me About John!

John’s first success was when he joined Jesus and Mary Chain in 1985 and took over from Bobby Gillespie, soon to be of Primal Scream fame, as the drummer. He stayed with the band for two years, yet oddly only ever played the drums on one actual recorded track - Some Candy Talking. This appears to be because Jesus and Mary Chain preferred to use a drum machine both on recordings and when playing live which, apart from making you perhaps wonder why they actually bothered employing any drummers in the first place, meant that John often got to play rhythm guitar with them instead… despite, rather confusingly, still being referred to as the drummer.

Presumably figuring that if he was going to play the bloody guitar anyway then he may as well at least be in a different band that recognised such things, he thus left in 1987.

Tell Me Moore! Tell Me Moore! Did He Get Very Far ?

Yes he did, eventually.

He released two albums with John Moore and The Expressway over the course of a few years, then a band called Revolution 9 and finally - perhaps most famously - Black Box Recorder with Luke Haines.

Intriguingly he is also apparently well known these days for his rather marvellous talent of playing the saw - and has actually done so on two albums for a band called Art Brut - and also for making shedloads of money when he became the main importer of Absinthe after setting up a company with The Idler magazine to do so.

He seems tremendously nice by the way - and a bit posh these days too, as he currently writes for The Guardian

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/arts/author/john_moore/profile.html

has written a novel called Bad Light and once even appeared on University Challenge - where it seems he was obviously getting a bit wound up by Jeremy Paxman’s ever intimidating presence, as he started to turn a rather alarming shade of orange before the show even began :

http://www.john-moore.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/lineup.jpg

Want to know more about Moore ?

http://www.john-moore.net

If you want to hear yet even more Moore then, in one of those I Am Not The Beatles coincidences we haven’t had for a while, he released an album called Floral Tributes - a collection of unreleased songs from the past 16 years- just four weeks ago :

www.myspace.com/johnmoore23

You can tell he’s obviously lovely as he describes his genre as ‘Melodramatic Popular Song’, which is about right.

Oh, and want to read what he thought about Jesus and Mary Chain performing a gig with Scarlett Johansson last year?

http://tinyurl.com/29hew2

Does Everyone Agree That John Moore Seems Tremendously Nice?

No.

In 2005 he wrote this about Morrissey on his blog :

“…there is something amusing about seeing the once Charming Man, now with a face like a sack of marshmallows, at heart attack age, cavorting on a stage borrowed from the Elvis 68 Comeback Special and probably wearing some kind of girdle or corset”.

Now, this comment didn’t make lots of Unfeasibly Serious Morrissey Fans over at Morrissey Solo particularly happy so they planned to storm his forum with fury - only they never quite got around to it as the conversation very quickly disintegrated into a discussion over exactly what make and model of corset John could possibly be referring to.

Beyond this, the best response was from a person who took it all very very personally…

“I was introduced to John Moore once at a Libertines gig in London- I told him how much I loved JAMC, but the only thing he said in response was that he thought I looked like the token “indie” guy who was on Fame Academy a few years ago (hopefully someone will remember the guy, the really annoying idiot with stupid hair!)- pretty insulting, especially as he said it in a voice completely devoid of irony or humour. He actually meant it and I suspect meant it to annoy me as well! Needless to say I didn’t talk to the miserable fool after… “

So how does this chap, who we must sincerely hope isn’t actually an annoying token indie idiot with stupid hair, now feel about John after this devastating and unprovoked attack on his own personal style and lack thereof ?

“He really is a chump.”

And this blatantly obvious understatement of his true bruised and broken feelings is, in retrospect, probably just as well - after all, if there is one thing we have learnt today…. he doesn’t want to make John angry.

He really wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : One exceedingly optimistic French outlet is asking for 136 pounds for a copy of this record - they must be out of their minds. 2 pounds and 85 pence.

Current Profit : 193 pounds and 72 pence. Want to watch the video? He’s wearing quite nice lipstick if it helps :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFutLDVFRVE

Supporting Cast Update : Haines, Luke; Paxman, Jeremy; Gillespie, Bobby; Jesus and Mary Chain; Art Brut; Johansson, Scarlett

Aurra are currently funkily liking ‘it’ a whole lot more than a little bit and a little bit more than alot - and, in a coincidence that is both lucky and startling, it turns out this is also the totally precise amount of likiness that Aurra actually like to like.

Indeed, when you consider the vagaries of the initial description given for their preferences of ‘it’, and the resulting various disastrous outcomes which could have thus prevailed (it is possible, for example, that they could have ended up only liking ‘it’ a little bit less than a lot or - heaven forbid - a whole lot less than a little bit) this is really something of a coup and is an excellent result you should be very very proud of.

An excellent result I should be proud of ?

Absolutely.

After all, the ‘it’ they are referring to is you… and your incredible sexual prowess.

Really ? I’ve only ever received written complaints about my performance before, so to hear a compliment via the medium of song is certainly a bit of a morale booster.

Then consider yourself well and truly boosted - as both members of Aurra are mightily thrilled with the outcome of your physical indulgences and, in short, consider you to be a bit of a shagmeister.

Errr… both members of Aurra..?

Yes.

Miss Aurra first tells us precisely how your sweet love has certainly kept her satisfied (which, although a sadly staid description of her orgasm, is an orgasm nonetheless and is thus still definitely worth shouting about) as she puts this satisfaction mostly down to the fact that deep inside… she can feel your vibes…

Ah yes, well, that will be my much vaunted vibrating penis trick. It took me years to perfect the exhausting rapid buttock clenching muscle control needed to pull it off successfully, so I’m glad it’s worked out.

Vibrating penis or not - it is, she claims, exactly like she likes it.

Mr Aurra is also very glad that you were magnanimous enough to give him your love too. In a rare moment of extreme frankness, he says he particularly likes those tantalising moments… when you show it.

Well that’s the joy of sexual expectation for you… particularly if it is already vibrating uncontrollably the moment it leaves my pants.

If it does do such a thing at that moment then it seems you have judged your target audience perfectly, as this is just as he likes it too.

In fact, so successful have you been at satisfying both members of Aurra independently, they now intend to join forces and ménage à trois you to a rather sticky end - as they are expressing an insatiable desire to spend all their love on you… til the end of time.

Which, depending upon how they are using the word ’spend’, sounds like it may well be advisable for you to plan ahead and take some pretty frequent showers - as it could be a rather messy experience.

Which is precisely like I like it.

Oooh, Aah - Do you like Aurra just a little bit?

Yes I do.

Just a little bit.

Ooh, Aah - Do you think it might be possible for you to like them just a little bit more ?

No, definitely not.

They are not the ones I’m searching for.

What’s The Best Little Bit ?

The main keyboard riff - but only because the keyboard sound they have chosen to convey it with sounds exactly like the terrified cries of a small bee being waterboarded in the Apoidean equivalent of Guantanamo Bay.

Tell Me A Whole Lot More Than A Little Bit More

I’ll do my best.

This sexually liberated twosome are the impressively named Starleana Young and doesn’t - my - name - sound - like - I - should - have - been - a - stand - up - comedian, Curt Jones. They had both previously been in a much celebrated oh so funky band I have never heard of, called Slave, and they then left to form Aurra in 1979 - but still used various members of Slave to play on the actual songs.

The full story is long, complex, and more than just a tad tedious. So here are the edited highlights :

1/ Steve Washington, the shadowy figure who propelled Aurra to the giddy heights of international total lack of success, eventually fell out with Starleana and Curt because they accused him of stealing their money as they never received any royalty cheques from the record label - despite the fact, of course, that they didn’t really have any hits.

2/ Steve, with no apparent trace of irony, refers to himself as “The Fearless Leader“.

3/ In a band overpopulation explosion that would shame even I’ve Got The Bullets, Aurra once numbered a frankly far too many 18 members.

4/ Aurra were eventually forced to change their name by Steve as he said he owned the copyright for it. They thus changed it to Deja because, with disturbing echoes of President’s Smash Hits debacle, “Starleana was looking through a dictionary and she stumbled upon the term ‘deja vu’, then came up with Déjà.”

5/ Starleana eventually married the lead singer of Kool & The Gang, whilst Curt most definitely didn’t.

Want to read a little bit more than alot more ? It is, I warn you now, an in depth article :

http://hem.bredband.net/funkyflyy/salsoul/aurra.html

Where Aurra they now ?

Curt, allegedly, is a wedding singer :

http://www.myspace.com/curtjonesmusic

And recently released an album called 360 Degrees :

http://www.soulexpress.net/curtjones.htm

Meanwhile Starleana, it is claimed in quite a few places, jointly owns a ‘beauty parlor’ with her sister in law - although if this is true, I can’t find it’s internet page anywhere.

Apart from that, the only other thing I can tell you is that their bass player’s name is Wayne - yet he refers to himself, fascinatingly, as Buddy :

http://www.buddyhankband.com

Can I Buy Some Key Aurra Stuff ?

You certainly can :

http://tinyurl.com/63vy3s

You can also buy Aurra’s double CD called Anthology if you wish - although, disappointingly, it doesn’t contain Like I Like It :

http://tinyurl.com/58n54r

It is considered a controversial release in so far as, for a band who weren’t particularly very famous, some people feel two CD’s may be a tad overdoing it.

The best review from someone who actually claims to like them ?

“I WENT TO THEIR CONCERT IN SAN DIEGO AND LOVED THEM.. BUT I DONT FAKE THE FUNK.. THEY HAVE THE NERVE TO RELEASE A 2 CD GREATEST HITS.. WHAT A JOKE.”

I repeat : He doesn’t fake the funk.

Well, who would ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 Pence

Current Value : 1 pound and 83 pence. This is, I had entirely forgotten, a ‘remixed version’ and… it isn’t worth as much as the original. Incidentally, did you know that the word Kia-Ora is Māori for “be well/healthy” ? I didn’t :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kia_ora

Don’t care ? Just want to watch the advert ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LvLn9PWln8

Something else totally useless I learnt today : the reason why Kia-Ora claims to be too orangey for crows… is because crows are apparently intolerant of citrus fruit. Want to learn more about man’s coexistence with crows in, errr, Japan ? It is more interesting than you would perhaps think…

http://www.airies.or.jp/publication/ger/pdf/07-02-11.pdf

Current Profit : 190 pounds and 95 pence. We’re going up again, Hurrah ! OK, it’s only by an increment best described as a tiny bit more than a little bit and one fuck lot less than alot, but up is up - and up… is like I like it.

Supporting Cast Update : Kool & The Gang; Slave

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

You would never guess it from her confident smile and brave choice of black jacket, but Suze De Marchi has a very severe dandruff problem. If you take a close look at the front cover you will see the telltale sign as, when Head and Shoulders just isn’t enough, your GP will often advise you to wear what are known in Pityriasistic circles as Dandruff Dusters.

These simple yet effective gadgets attach to your ears and operate with a subtle shake of the human head. This slight movement first dislodges the dandruff from the scalp, allows it to fall delicately onto the shoulders… then almost imperceptibly the Dandruff Dusters brush it neatly onto the floor - all in one swift and simple movement.

Suze is going to be doing alot of this subtle head shaking over the next few days, as dandruff can be annoying at the best of times - but it is doubly irritating when you’ve got a Big Wednesday coming up.

Ooooh. What’s happening on Wednesday ?

You’re going to die.

I’m going to die and all Suze De Marchi’s worried about is her dandruff ?

Well, she wants to look her best for the occasion doesn’t she ?

Selfish bloody cow.

Look, before you start getting overexcited about it all, you should probably be aware that it’s not just you who is going to die - it’s everyone, Suze included. We are all going to die. On Wednesday.

Well if that’s true, that really is a rather Big Wednesday.

Exactly.

You see, according to death predictor Suze, Wednesday may well turn up as usual, but that ever meddling Doomsday is going to get in the way and ruin it all for everybody. So taking all things into full consideration, you should probably expect to be dead by somewhere around Wednesday teatime.

Bugger. Is there anything I can do to stop this ?

Suze does suggest you may want to try and create a little love with her. Be careful though, you had better get the fuck out of her face once the special coital event is over… she does need some room to breathe after all, you great big bloody obsessive.

Right. So will having casual sex with Suze De Marchi actually help ?

Errr… no, unfortunately not. It’s a shame but everything that could have been done has already been done, so this is ultimately just a way of getting nicely fucked before you are both completely and utterly fucked on Wednesday - I think she just thought it might help pass the time.

She is a sexually confident woman is Suze so you’ll probably enjoy it, as she even quite helpfully informs you of precisely how she would like the sex to be : telling you to just, well… hold it there.

That’s not really how sex works in my experience…

I would do it her way and not argue if I were you - as in the second verse she also explains that in her life each time she ever puts a foot out of line it always gets broken in two… so I suspect she would be expecting a reasonably similar punishment for you if you do the same.

Hang on a moment, can I get this straight ? Suze De Marchi is demanding I sleep with her and then leave immediately afterwards or she will, rather unreasonably in my opinion, break one of my feet… and either way I’ll be dead by Wednesday ?

Yes. That’s about the size of it.

Bloody hell. Doesn’t she know who I am ?

She certainly does and she’s not impressed… but even if she was there is no diplomatic immunity when it comes to Doomsday I am afraid.

Well I would rather die without any painful broken limbs just adding to the final existential agony if remotely possible, so I suppose I had better get on with it. Also, I guess that if all she is expecting from the sexual act is for me to just hold it there, I will probably still actually be there on Wednesday anyway - and there must be worse places to be hanging around in whilst facing your imminent and ever impending death than Suze De Marchi’s vagina.

Good decision.

Watch out for those Dandruff Dusters though, the last thing you want is to die before Wednesday - slowly suffocated by the endless amounts of skin being flung towards your nostrils as she shakes her head at you, faking orgasms.

Thanks for the advice. I’ll bring a snorkel.

This Song If It Were An REM Song Title ?

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, Let’s Have Sex

This Song In One Made Up Word ?

Deathshag.

Was Big Wednesday … errr… Big ?

No, not remotely apparently - anywhere.

Suze is Australian and, just like Nick Cave before her, decided that the London music scene was a much more happening affair… so moved there. Nick Cave went on to release songs like Release The Bats - a darkly comic song about releasing a substance that definitely does not contain bats, and soon became very famous indeed.

Suze whilst in London on the other hand released three singles - including this highly polished one about sex and death - and then… buggered off back to Australia again.

http://members.aol.com/babyarocks/SuzeDiscsR.html

In all fairness, her song isn’t really helped by the ever shiny production plastered onto it by the equally shiny and lovely Simon Climie - as he does seem to make the entire process of shagging seem far too… well… shiny and not remotely squealchy enough. Despite this lack of squealch factor however, someone was tempted to just hold it there with Suze - as it seems that at the exact moment Suze recorded this song, she was actually dating… Gavin Rossdale.

This Song Is Produced By Simon Climie ! Does That Mean It Is Connected To Any Other Records Here ?

No, not really.

If I was desperate, however, I would point out that one member of the very brilliant Bang looks a bit like Simon Climie, and would ask you to pop off there and give their totally superb record another listen.

It’s a tenuous link though to say the least.

Can You Tell Me Something Extremely Interesting About Suze ?

I can.

Rather like David Icke, Suze’s constant predictions of Doomsday haven’t - as yet - ever manifested themselves. But this is just as well as far as she is concerned, as after she moved back to Australia she formed a hugely successful band called Baby Animals and is now officially totally loaded.

Baby Animals were massive in their native land. Their debut album went 8 times platinum there, Nuno Bettencourt of - ahem - Extreme wrote a few songs with them for their second album (before he and Suze eventually married), and all members of Baby Animals also went on to play on Nuno’s first solo album called Schizophonic. Also, Suze was the first ever female Australian musician to be put on the cover of Australian Rolling Stone magazine and was one of the inaugural inductees in the West Australian Music Industry Awards Hall Of Fame.

All in all she is, basically, held in Very High Regard Indeed.

Baby Animals eventually split up in 1996 but, guess what? Yes, like the many millions before them …. they’ve only gone and bloody well reformed :

http://www.thebabyanimals.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suze_DeMarchi

Want to read a rather overexcitable interview with Suze which includes lots of unnecessary CAPITAL LETTERS ?

http://www.rockwired.com/rockwired_interviews_the_baby_animals.html

That’s All Very Interesting And Everything, But Can I Look At Some Real Baby Animals Now Please ?

You certainly can :

http://www.babyanimalz.com/

And yes, I know this record isn’t remotely Connected To Swing Out Sister, but may I recommend the hedgehog ?

http://www.babyanimalz.com/images3/baby_igel.jpg

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : If I owned a piece of music from yet another film I’ve never seen called Big Wednesday written by the superbly named Basil Poledouris, I’d apparently be up nearly 20 quid. As it is though Wednesday itself may be big, but the price most definitely isn’t : 2 pounds and 2 little pennies.

Current Profit : 175 pounds and 61 pence.

Incidentally, if there are any major fans of poor old dandruff afflicted Suze reading this then, yes, I am totally aware that she now spells her surname with no space - DeMarchi. But, if you look at the back cover of this record, she didn’t then… OK ? This may seem a trifle defensive of me, but the last time I reviewed a record by an Australian I got called a fuckwit, and I am a sensitive soul so I don’t really want it to happen again.

Supporting Cast Update : REM ; Cave, Nick ; Bettencourt, Nuno ; Icke, David ; Climie, Simon ; Rossdale, Gavin

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

If the love song you choose to compose for the object of your affections contains a repeated stated desire to ‘talk the language of love’ with your intended, then you had better take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and bloody well make sure that :

a) You are actually Barry White, or

b) You have a pretty stonking chorus hidden somewhere on your person which is big enough to take everybody’s minds off those slightly dodgy verses.

Bearing in mind that one thing Wang Chung most definitely are not is the former, then it is pretty darn lucky for them that they are in full possession of a strikingly wonderful latter.

Without that chorus we would be forced to spend these moments together examining the verses, sadly ruminating on how the vocalist sounds like a creepy old geography teacher who has finally managed to corner you alone after class. Sweating profusely in front of you, he runs through an increasingly desperate list of locations where he imagines you may feel safe enough to meet him after school. In his mind, however, there is only one satisfactory outcome such a meeting would ever inspire : a quick handjob in the back of his Volvo Estate.

With that chorus though we can forgive this man his foolish indiscretions and focus instead on the fact that rarely have the four words Let’s, Go, Baby and C’mon ever been used to better effect.

Indeed, so incredibly successful is this four word part of the chorus that each time it comes your way it sounds for all the world like a party you definitely don’t want to miss. The somewhat surprising outcome of all of this is that your entire being can suddenly think of nothing better than going anywhere with Wang Chung, even if it does involve slipping into the back of their Volvo Estate - and even if they insist on calling you ‘baby’ for the duration of your visit.

It all adds up to a masterclass in distraction and misdirection. The writers even fully understand that no matter how good their chorus may actually be, it will never be enough to stop you feeling slightly dirty by the time that outro fades out.

But they also know that is exactly how you like to feel… isn’t it, baby?

Wang Chung, Well Hung ?

I couldn’t possibly comment. Surprisingly, all information on the exact size of Wang Chung’s respective packages is in shockingly short supply.

I can however 100% confidentally report that both members of this band are definitely and definitively male.

Are You Sure ?

Absolutely.

I have checked and re-checked this fact and, as well as that aforementioned fabulous chorus, the main duo of Jack Hues and Nick Feldman are also both in possession of some fine penises - presumably numbering somewhere in the vicinity of one each.

I am not making that mistake again.

Why ‘Wang Chung‘ ?

In interviews throughout their career the band explained their name was a derivation of Huang Chung (indeed, their first album was even released under the band name Huang Chung) which they claimed in Chinese meant ‘perfect pitch’. Although this is vaguely true, the full story is actually far more interesting…

The Huang Chung is best described as the underlying fundamental tone of the universe, or the sound of the beginning of creation itself. This sound surrounds us at a low level at all times and, when trying to discover what this fundamental tone sounded like (during the reign of emperor Huang-Ti, approx. 2698 BC), it was given the physical form of a yellow bell. It was from this resulting instrument that mathematical calculations were formulated in order to come up with the Chinese musical scale.

Before this moment no real agreed musical scale existed, so it was revolutionary to say the least. Also, seeing as this scale was apparently based upon the theoretical fundamental tone of the entire universe, it immediately made all music a precious and sacrosanct undertaking.

Gosh. Where Can I Buy A Yellow Bell ?

You can’t - for the very good reason that none exist.

Although we definitely know that the yellow bell measured 9 inches in length, the person who made it unfortunately neglected to tell us what it’s actual volume was - which certainly seems like a pretty major oversight in retrospect. Unfortunately we only know that the volume was 177,147 somethings… so, as this really rather important measurement isn’t specified, we’re buggered.

Read a more in depth version of what I just said, without the word ‘buggered’ in, here :

http://yellowbellmusic.com/history-phil.php

Incidentally, this emperor Huang-Ti was a busy chap - he also invented astrology :

http://www.chineseastrology.com/wu/whatis.html

Where Are Wang Chung ?

They are disappointingly easy to find as like countless others before them they have now reformed, and you can read and listen to all their latest at the following link. If you’ve ever wanted to hear Wang Chung sing the line “Can’t anybody stop the juice?”, your prayers are about to be answered - as this link also contains a really quite astounding cover version of Nelly’s ‘Hot In Herre’ :

http://www.myspace.com/wangchungtheband

They had a few hits before this song with ‘Dance Hall Days Are Over’ and ‘Everybody Have Fun Tonight’ but were then bigger in America than the UK. Let’s Go! actually charted in the US - reaching the dizzying heights of number 9, no less.Watch and listen to ‘Dance Hall Days Are Over’, here :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ernCPFVe8wU

And ‘Everybody Have Fun Tonight’, here :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMylfkSDKV0

In the years after that the highlights seem to be that Nick formed a band called Promised Land with Jon Moss from Culture Club, and then became an A&R manager for Warner Music. Meanwhile Jack was a member of Strictly Inc with Tony Banks of (rather appropriately, considering the origins of Wang Chung’s name) Genesis.

Perhaps most importantly though, they both became fathers during this time - thus finally proving my Wang Chung Definitely Have Penises theory once and for all.

http://www.wangchung.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wang_Chung_(band)

Thank God for that.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 1 pound and 91 pence

Current Profit : 138 pounds and 86 pence. Bloody hell, we’ve been stuck in the 130’s for ages.

Supporting cast Update : Banks, Tony; Moss, Jon ; Genesis.