I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

1988 is a pretty weird year for anybody to choose to release a song entitled Woman Of The 80’s, particularly when the lyrics of your resulting creation purport you to be one of the leading exponents thereof.

After all, it’s only going to be 18 months or so before both you and your target audience start to view the very concept of a Woman Of The 80’s as being more than just a little bit embarrassing and old fashioned - focussed, as you will be, on the much more exciting prospect of emerging into the next decade as a dynamic forward thinking and futuristic Woman Of The 90’s instead.

Indeed, it is nigh on impossible for Julia’s overtly overcasual approach to her release date to give any impression other than one which suggests she is not really taking this whole pop song malarkey very seriously at all.

So incredibly bad is this timing in fact, I would even go as far to say that if I was Julia I would be instigating the following actions pretty darn sharpish :

a) Renaming and re-recording this song as that cheeky aforementioned Woman Of The 90’s - and then
b) Releasing it on January 1st 1990 thus ensuring it to be whisked straight to number one as a genuinely lyrically groundbreaking track which young women can relate to - whilst simultaneously also giving it a good nine years before everyone starts giggling at it a bit.

Unfortunately for all involved however, on a close inspection of myself which I conducted whilst taking a relaxing bath recently, it has rather sadly transpired that I am not even remotely female let alone been given the name Julia… and equally gallingly, having just had a quick glance at my trusty RNLI calendar in the kitchen, I am also not currently living in the early 1990’s.

As a direct result of this disappointing lack of Julia-in-the-90’s-ness about my person, I must thus announce that neither a) or b) as listed above ever actually happened.

Which is a shame.

I Want To Be A Woman Of The 80’s !

Well, you can be - although it is not quite as straightforward as you would perhaps initially think, as you first need to prove that you are fit and strong… before then ensuring that there are absolutely no situations where you don’t belong.

No situations… whatsoever ?

Yes.

What about a situation where I stick my middle finger up Gordon Brown’s bottom and then immediately lick it ?

Well… that would have to be a situation within which you felt you most definitely belonged. There is nothing, it seems, which is off limits for a Woman Of The 80’s.

Errr… I am not sure I am entirely comfortable with this…

Ha Ha Ha ! Fooled you !

Sorry ?

Julia is in fact… being ironic!

Really ?!!

Yes!

You see, every single quality and personality trait she lists within this song are in fact what she believes women of the 80’s are forced to give the illusion of being in order to be considered fully functioning members of 80’s society. So, for example, when she says she doesn’t really ever really get that lonely on Sundays… she actually really does ever really get that lonely on Sundays - even if she still doesn’t ever really get around to calling you up.

This gospel choired double bluff is all rather fun for a while too, but the constant irony eventually gets far too confusing - as, if you get as far as the middle 8, Julia eventually claims that if you’re a woman of the 80’s you’ve got a set of rules to follow.

How many rules make up this ‘set’?

One.

That’s not really a ’set of rules’ is it ?

Not really, no. But semantics aside, first we get a statement of fact telling us that ‘If it’s not on, it’s not on..’ which is presumably referring to her partner’s condom, as the actual rule that then follows is :

‘Never ever ever ever swallow… your pride’.

It should be noted here that the important part of this rule is not any of the actual words that form it but the overdramatic pause where the three dots are between ’swallow’ and ‘your’, as it is here where Julia makes a Carry On styled winking joke for the older members of her audience - suggesting that the real hidden rule is in fact :

‘Never ever ever ever swallow’- with the subtext being that if you find yourself in a similar condomless environment with your mouth somewhere near an ejaculating penis and don’t do as she says, you may as well jump up and down naked in the middle of your local High Street screaming “I HAVE NO SELF ESTEEM.”

So, to clarify : in order for me to be considered a Woman Of The 80’s, if I decide to orally stimulate my partner to the point of orgasm… I shouldn’t swallow ?

It is, I am afraid, more complicated than that - as Julia, don’t forget, is being ironic.

Errr… So I Should Swallow ?

And it is more complicated than that too, as every other part of the song is about ironically giving the illusion of doing or being something - but actually secretly doing or being the opposite.

Now, I have no real opinion or interest on Julia’s sexual preference of such a spit or swallow conundrum - just as I am sure that you and her probably have absolutely no interest in how I would generally conduct myself when faced with such a there-appears-to-be-sperm-in-my-mouth-what-next? decision making process - but the suggestion here is that Julia believes to be a fully qualified Woman Of The 80’s you should give the impression of not swallowing… but then actually doing so.

As far as I can tell this would presumably involve making a massive fuss in front of your partner when the aforementioned ejaculation initially enters your oral cavity - of the ‘Urgh! That’s disgusting! I can’t believe you just did that you utter pig!’ variety - rushing headlong towards the sink, secretly swallowing the aforementioned excretion on the way, then pretending to spit it out before finally rapidly brushing your teeth with the world’s strongest toothpaste whilst still complaining rather loudly about it all.

Which, no matter what your opinion on the subject, is a frankly bizarre way to behave.

Where Is Julia Now ?

She is still around, playing a few live shows this coming October in the USA :

http://www.juliafordham.com

http://www.myspace.com/juliafordham

Yes, it seems that at some point in the 1990’s Julia got a bit fed up with living in the UK so decided to move house… and bought a couple of very posh first class one way tickets to Los Angeles.

How Could Julia Afordham ?

Well, despite not being hugely successful in the country of her birth, Julia has actually sold a staggering 3 million records worldwide… so she probably isn’t short of a penny or two.

Looking at her website incidentally, it must be said that Julia is obviously a tremendously lovely and wonderfully well meaning individual - but she isn’t exactly… subtle.

She recently re-released a song of hers to raise money to help after the devastating tsunami that killed over 200,000 people in 2004 for example. The song title ? Happy Ever After, The Tsunami Remix.

Her website also describes the following incident concerning the Sichuan Earthquake of May this year :

“The other week I was driving along listening to a distressing story on NPR about a man in China who was trapped under a collapsed building from the earthquake. He was frantically calling his relatives on his cell phone - they were trying to dig him out and find help to reach him. I found myself consumed with concern at the thought of this scared man fighting for his life. I haven’t been able to get him out of my mind, and keep wondering what happened to him. Did he make it? I felt helpless, but then thought of something I might be able to do to help those suffering so terribly in China at this time. “

The name of the old love song of hers she re-released to help raise money - which in truth had nothing whatsoever to do with earthquakes ? China Blue.

The earthquake did take place in China after all, her reasoning seems to go, and after this anonymous individual was horribly slowly crushed to what we can only presume was a ridiculously painful and lonesome death by the entire weight of his collapsed house, he probably did feel a bit blue about the situation.

So stop your giggling.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence. Want to give some money but can’t bring yourself to buy a song called China Blue ? http://halfthesky.org
Current value : 49 pence. I definitely don’t like it like this.
Current Profit : 209 pounds and 66 pence. Want to sing along with the lyrics - they make a nice use of CAPITAL LETTERS and brackets to make sure you don’t miss anything : ‘never ever ever ever SWALLOW (your pride)’. Hmmm… that’s not exactly subtle either, is it ? http://www.metrolyrics.com/woman-of-the-80s-lyrics-julia-fordham.html

Supporting Cast Update : Brown, Gordon

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

“John Moore : musician. Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have via the medium of popular music. Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation from a particularly orange light bulb in the photographers studio alters his body chemistry. And now when John Moore grows angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs… “

Spoken word intro to The Incredible John (TV Series)

If the hot new date you’ve rather rashly just jumped into bed with decides to unexpectedly announce the onslaught of their impending orgasm by suddenly pausing mid-thrust to put their shades on and sneer ‘Welcome To The Resurrection’ over your shoulder, before then thrashing around wildly inside you not entirely unlike The Lord moving in a very mysterious way - you would perhaps be a tad concerned.

If, in those usually blissful post-coital moments, they then proceed to repeatedly prod you uncomfortably in the buttocks with their guitar, angrily demanding to know ‘Where Do You Think You’re From These Days?’ in a way that suggests they believe the question actually makes any form of sense - you would certainly have the right to end your ‘concern’ and move it up a level to ‘more than just a little uneasy’.

When your terrified muted responses finally enrage them enough so that, like some sort of Nu Rave influenced Incredible Hulk, their skin turns a luminous dayglo orange and they trash your room screaming ‘I’m Out Of My Mind Thinking Only Of You’ whilst vomiting each and every time they reach the end of the phrase - it seems certainly possible you could reach the conclusion that your date selection techniques need a rather radical overhaul.

Oddly however this is precisely the situation which occurs in what can quite literally be described as the climax of this song, as Out Of My Mind is very cleverly designed to mimic the ups and downs of the sex act John Moore so desperately wants to indulge in up your Expressway - at least I am presuming that is what he is referring to when he quietly asks in the second verse if it may possible for him to make love to you in an exotic location.

What’s The Oddest Line ?

In verse one he asks you for some love and affection before adding quite bizarrely that he don’t care where you got it from, as if to suggest that what would really turn him on would be for you to whip out a dildo from under the bed and present it to him with the words “It’s my mother’s…”

I’m Going Out Of My Mind! Tell Me About John!

John’s first success was when he joined Jesus and Mary Chain in 1985 and took over from Bobby Gillespie, soon to be of Primal Scream fame, as the drummer. He stayed with the band for two years, yet oddly only ever played the drums on one actual recorded track - Some Candy Talking. This appears to be because Jesus and Mary Chain preferred to use a drum machine both on recordings and when playing live which, apart from making you perhaps wonder why they actually bothered employing any drummers in the first place, meant that John often got to play rhythm guitar with them instead… despite, rather confusingly, still being referred to as the drummer.

Presumably figuring that if he was going to play the bloody guitar anyway then he may as well at least be in a different band that recognised such things, he thus left in 1987.

Tell Me Moore! Tell Me Moore! Did He Get Very Far ?

Yes he did, eventually.

He released two albums with John Moore and The Expressway over the course of a few years, then a band called Revolution 9 and finally - perhaps most famously - Black Box Recorder with Luke Haines.

Intriguingly he is also apparently well known these days for his rather marvellous talent of playing the saw - and has actually done so on two albums for a band called Art Brut - and also for making shedloads of money when he became the main importer of Absinthe after setting up a company with The Idler magazine to do so.

He seems tremendously nice by the way - and a bit posh these days too, as he currently writes for The Guardian

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/arts/author/john_moore/profile.html

has written a novel called Bad Light and once even appeared on University Challenge - where it seems he was obviously getting a bit wound up by Jeremy Paxman’s ever intimidating presence, as he started to turn a rather alarming shade of orange before the show even began :

http://www.john-moore.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/lineup.jpg

Want to know more about Moore ?

http://www.john-moore.net

If you want to hear yet even more Moore then, in one of those I Am Not The Beatles coincidences we haven’t had for a while, he released an album called Floral Tributes - a collection of unreleased songs from the past 16 years- just four weeks ago :

www.myspace.com/johnmoore23

You can tell he’s obviously lovely as he describes his genre as ‘Melodramatic Popular Song’, which is about right.

Oh, and want to read what he thought about Jesus and Mary Chain performing a gig with Scarlett Johansson last year?

http://tinyurl.com/29hew2

Does Everyone Agree That John Moore Seems Tremendously Nice?

No.

In 2005 he wrote this about Morrissey on his blog :

“…there is something amusing about seeing the once Charming Man, now with a face like a sack of marshmallows, at heart attack age, cavorting on a stage borrowed from the Elvis 68 Comeback Special and probably wearing some kind of girdle or corset”.

Now, this comment didn’t make lots of Unfeasibly Serious Morrissey Fans over at Morrissey Solo particularly happy so they planned to storm his forum with fury - only they never quite got around to it as the conversation very quickly disintegrated into a discussion over exactly what make and model of corset John could possibly be referring to.

Beyond this, the best response was from a person who took it all very very personally…

“I was introduced to John Moore once at a Libertines gig in London- I told him how much I loved JAMC, but the only thing he said in response was that he thought I looked like the token “indie” guy who was on Fame Academy a few years ago (hopefully someone will remember the guy, the really annoying idiot with stupid hair!)- pretty insulting, especially as he said it in a voice completely devoid of irony or humour. He actually meant it and I suspect meant it to annoy me as well! Needless to say I didn’t talk to the miserable fool after… “

So how does this chap, who we must sincerely hope isn’t actually an annoying token indie idiot with stupid hair, now feel about John after this devastating and unprovoked attack on his own personal style and lack thereof ?

“He really is a chump.”

And this blatantly obvious understatement of his true bruised and broken feelings is, in retrospect, probably just as well - after all, if there is one thing we have learnt today…. he doesn’t want to make John angry.

He really wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : One exceedingly optimistic French outlet is asking for 136 pounds for a copy of this record - they must be out of their minds. 2 pounds and 85 pence.

Current Profit : 193 pounds and 72 pence. Want to watch the video? He’s wearing quite nice lipstick if it helps :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFutLDVFRVE

Supporting Cast Update : Haines, Luke; Paxman, Jeremy; Gillespie, Bobby; Jesus and Mary Chain; Art Brut; Johansson, Scarlett

Aurra are currently funkily liking ‘it’ a whole lot more than a little bit and a little bit more than alot - and, in a coincidence that is both lucky and startling, it turns out this is also the totally precise amount of likiness that Aurra actually like to like.

Indeed, when you consider the vagaries of the initial description given for their preferences of ‘it’, and the resulting various disastrous outcomes which could have thus prevailed (it is possible, for example, that they could have ended up only liking ‘it’ a little bit less than a lot or - heaven forbid - a whole lot less than a little bit) this is really something of a coup and is an excellent result you should be very very proud of.

An excellent result I should be proud of ?

Absolutely.

After all, the ‘it’ they are referring to is you… and your incredible sexual prowess.

Really ? I’ve only ever received written complaints about my performance before, so to hear a compliment via the medium of song is certainly a bit of a morale booster.

Then consider yourself well and truly boosted - as both members of Aurra are mightily thrilled with the outcome of your physical indulgences and, in short, consider you to be a bit of a shagmeister.

Errr… both members of Aurra..?

Yes.

Miss Aurra first tells us precisely how your sweet love has certainly kept her satisfied (which, although a sadly staid description of her orgasm, is an orgasm nonetheless and is thus still definitely worth shouting about) as she puts this satisfaction mostly down to the fact that deep inside… she can feel your vibes…

Ah yes, well, that will be my much vaunted vibrating penis trick. It took me years to perfect the exhausting rapid buttock clenching muscle control needed to pull it off successfully, so I’m glad it’s worked out.

Vibrating penis or not - it is, she claims, exactly like she likes it.

Mr Aurra is also very glad that you were magnanimous enough to give him your love too. In a rare moment of extreme frankness, he says he particularly likes those tantalising moments… when you show it.

Well that’s the joy of sexual expectation for you… particularly if it is already vibrating uncontrollably the moment it leaves my pants.

If it does do such a thing at that moment then it seems you have judged your target audience perfectly, as this is just as he likes it too.

In fact, so successful have you been at satisfying both members of Aurra independently, they now intend to join forces and ménage à trois you to a rather sticky end - as they are expressing an insatiable desire to spend all their love on you… til the end of time.

Which, depending upon how they are using the word ’spend’, sounds like it may well be advisable for you to plan ahead and take some pretty frequent showers - as it could be a rather messy experience.

Which is precisely like I like it.

Oooh, Aah - Do you like Aurra just a little bit?

Yes I do.

Just a little bit.

Ooh, Aah - Do you think it might be possible for you to like them just a little bit more ?

No, definitely not.

They are not the ones I’m searching for.

What’s The Best Little Bit ?

The main keyboard riff - but only because the keyboard sound they have chosen to convey it with sounds exactly like the terrified cries of a small bee being waterboarded in the Apoidean equivalent of Guantanamo Bay.

Tell Me A Whole Lot More Than A Little Bit More

I’ll do my best.

This sexually liberated twosome are the impressively named Starleana Young and doesn’t - my - name - sound - like - I - should - have - been - a - stand - up - comedian, Curt Jones. They had both previously been in a much celebrated oh so funky band I have never heard of, called Slave, and they then left to form Aurra in 1979 - but still used various members of Slave to play on the actual songs.

The full story is long, complex, and more than just a tad tedious. So here are the edited highlights :

1/ Steve Washington, the shadowy figure who propelled Aurra to the giddy heights of international total lack of success, eventually fell out with Starleana and Curt because they accused him of stealing their money as they never received any royalty cheques from the record label - despite the fact, of course, that they didn’t really have any hits.

2/ Steve, with no apparent trace of irony, refers to himself as “The Fearless Leader“.

3/ In a band overpopulation explosion that would shame even I’ve Got The Bullets, Aurra once numbered a frankly far too many 18 members.

4/ Aurra were eventually forced to change their name by Steve as he said he owned the copyright for it. They thus changed it to Deja because, with disturbing echoes of President’s Smash Hits debacle, “Starleana was looking through a dictionary and she stumbled upon the term ‘deja vu’, then came up with Déjà.”

5/ Starleana eventually married the lead singer of Kool & The Gang, whilst Curt most definitely didn’t.

Want to read a little bit more than alot more ? It is, I warn you now, an in depth article :

http://hem.bredband.net/funkyflyy/salsoul/aurra.html

Where Aurra they now ?

Curt, allegedly, is a wedding singer :

http://www.myspace.com/curtjonesmusic

And recently released an album called 360 Degrees :

http://www.soulexpress.net/curtjones.htm

Meanwhile Starleana, it is claimed in quite a few places, jointly owns a ‘beauty parlor’ with her sister in law - although if this is true, I can’t find it’s internet page anywhere.

Apart from that, the only other thing I can tell you is that their bass player’s name is Wayne - yet he refers to himself, fascinatingly, as Buddy :

http://www.buddyhankband.com

Can I Buy Some Key Aurra Stuff ?

You certainly can :

http://tinyurl.com/63vy3s

You can also buy Aurra’s double CD called Anthology if you wish - although, disappointingly, it doesn’t contain Like I Like It :

http://tinyurl.com/58n54r

It is considered a controversial release in so far as, for a band who weren’t particularly very famous, some people feel two CD’s may be a tad overdoing it.

The best review from someone who actually claims to like them ?

“I WENT TO THEIR CONCERT IN SAN DIEGO AND LOVED THEM.. BUT I DONT FAKE THE FUNK.. THEY HAVE THE NERVE TO RELEASE A 2 CD GREATEST HITS.. WHAT A JOKE.”

I repeat : He doesn’t fake the funk.

Well, who would ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 Pence

Current Value : 1 pound and 83 pence. This is, I had entirely forgotten, a ‘remixed version’ and… it isn’t worth as much as the original. Incidentally, did you know that the word Kia-Ora is Māori for “be well/healthy” ? I didn’t :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kia_ora

Don’t care ? Just want to watch the advert ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LvLn9PWln8

Something else totally useless I learnt today : the reason why Kia-Ora claims to be too orangey for crows… is because crows are apparently intolerant of citrus fruit. Want to learn more about man’s coexistence with crows in, errr, Japan ? It is more interesting than you would perhaps think…

http://www.airies.or.jp/publication/ger/pdf/07-02-11.pdf

Current Profit : 190 pounds and 95 pence. We’re going up again, Hurrah ! OK, it’s only by an increment best described as a tiny bit more than a little bit and one fuck lot less than alot, but up is up - and up… is like I like it.

Supporting Cast Update : Kool & The Gang; Slave

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

True love is so hard to find is a statement which is impossible to disagree with. However, no matter how hard to find love may actually be, it seems it will never be as hard to find as

a) a record sleeve for Hard To Find - because I can’t find the bloody thing anywhere - or

b) a middle 8 for Hard To Find - because Johnny can’t find one of those either.

Indeed, if you were asked in a court of law to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that love is indeed so hard to find, and the only two pieces of evidence you were allowed to submit were the two pieces as provided by Southside Johnny in his song of the same name, it is very likely you would be laughed out of court - as it isn’t exactly, shall we say, watertight.

Johnny’s Evidence (Pt I)

The song starts with a frankly bizarre reimagining of the Christmas story, making the rather blasphemous and sweeping pronouncement that Jesus Christ’s mother wasn’t actually a virgin at all - and Jesus’ birth was in fact just the result of a slightly crap shag on a beach.

Whether Johnny’s suggestion of a lack of virginhood on Mary’s part is misguided or not however, one thing is certain : he is recounting a story of someone giving birth to Jesus Christ, who was theoretically A Physical Manifestation of God’s Love Itself, and it must therefore follow that Mary actually found love very easy to find - as it quite literally fell out of her vagina.

Still, it is at least a relief to note that not all crap shags result in bona fide Sons Of God being born nine months later - as if this were the case there’d be bloody loads of Jesus’ running around healing people and getting crucified all the place… with most of them, unfortunately, related to me.

Johnny’s Evidence (Pt II)

Johnny next decides to describe the act of somebody getting shot in the head and their subsequent agonising death whilst they bleed all over their wife in the back of a car from freshly made holes in their forehead, rather unsympathetically, as running into some bad Texas weather.

Now, if bad Texas weather really is a fair description of John F Kennedy having his head blown off next to his wife, we must surely ponder what would constitute really bad Texas weather for poor old JFK - having his legs forcibly sawn off first ?

We mustn’t dwell on this however, as the real point is that John and Jackie Kennedy famously met… and then married within a year or so - thus both finding love ludicrously simple to find. Indeed, even after her President husband was rather unfortunately murdered on the car seat next to her, Jackie still got married again a few years later to a multi-millionaire shipping magnate - and this does perhaps suggest that she managed to find some sort of love again reasonably quickly.

In Summation

In other words then, Johnny’s so-called ‘evidence’ is anything but - as all it proves is the opposite of what he set out to achieve ie Love can flourish pretty much anywhere.

Although this is a lovely thought, Southside Johnny sadly appears oblivious to it and goes on to claim that if you do insist carrying on searching and doing a bit of a Hazell Dean, it is possible for the search to actually break your back and make you lose your mind.

If this is the case then I can only conclude that Johnny has been looking for love a little harder than I have - as the worst thing my personal endless search for love has ever given me is a slight hangover and a vague air of regret.

What’s The Best Bit ?

It’s quite hard to find, but if you make it to 2 minutes and 24 seconds there is an absolutely brilliant harmonica solo which sounds almost precisely like Dusk-era The The.

It only lasts 14 seconds though, so make the most of it.

Where Is Johnny Now ? Is He Hard To Find ?

No, just like a pissed snog in a nightclub he is actually very easy to find and what’s more, thanks to Google, I neither had to break my back nor lose my mind in order to find him - which was certainly a bonus :

http://www.southsidejohnny.com/

He apparently hails from New Jersey, just like Bruce Springsteen does.

He is also known for recording Stax influenced R&B with a chap called Steven Van Zandt, just like Bruce Springsteen is.

Unfortunately however, he came straight outta New Jersey mere milliseconds after Bruce did, is generally - unfairly or not - seen as all a bit secondhand, and is therefore not a millionaire world wide superstar… whilst Bruce Springsteen most absolutely definitely is :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southside_Johnny

His signature song is apparently called I Don’t Want To Go Home. Do you want to see him perform it with… errr… Bruce Springsteen ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXB_0wvLUm8

Incidentally, if you live on the east coast of America or - for reasons I don’t entirely understand - in Norway then he is currently on tour somewhere near you very soon :

http://www.southsidejohnny.com/tourdates/index.htm

Meanwhile, if you live in the UK you can go and see him in… errr… Frome :

http://tinyurl.com/2tjtfy

Yes, in October he is playing at a venue called The Cheese and Grain which - apart from the having the slight disadvantage of actually being in Frome - also has The Worst Website In The World :

http://www.cheeseandgrain.co.uk/

Does Johnny Really Describe Jesus’ Dad’s Orgasm As a Light That Comes Shining From The East ?

Yes he does - and that without a doubt is the silliest sexual metaphor we have, ahem, come across since Sonya Grier expressed a preference for leaving the runway.

Still, if Johnny performs this song at The Cheese and Grain and gesticulates to the east whilst he sings that line, it is interesting to note he will be pointing almost directly towards a place just outside of Frome called Chapmanslade which - if he was a plasterer - would be an extremely good place to move to :

http://bristol.gumtree.com/services/plasterers_Chapmanslade

How Bad Does The Weather Actually Get In Texas ?

Pretty bad.

They get storms so severe, they actually have an entire association to celebrate them :

http://www.tessa.org/

I’d still rather try to survive one of those than get shot in the head though.

Anything Really Scary To Finish With ?

Yes.

This record is obviously connected to Nils Lofgren - as they both have Bruce Springsteen connections.

What freaked me out however is that this song mentions not just the The Kennedys but also refers to Jesus Christ - just like Win did a mere eight days ago.

Weird… or what ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence. Can’t understand a word of this song so have no idea what I’m going on about? You wouldn’t be the first, so read them here.

Current Value : It’s not really Johnny’s fault because if I hadn’t lost the sleeve through negligence, which incidentally looks like this , it would be worth in the region of six quid… and that would have been very exciting indeed. As Johnny will undoubtedly discover when he has a quick walk around Frome, however, it is a harsh world… and without that sleeve - yes, you’ve guessed it - minus eight pence.

Current Profit : 178 pounds and 49 pence. Stranded in the 170’s. I am not impressed. At all.

Supporting Cast Update : Christ, Jesus (again) ; Springsteen, Bruce (again) ; God (again) ; Mary ; Kennedy, John F ; Kennedy, Jackie ; Van Zandt, Steven ; Dean, Hazell

 

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

The Song

Ooooh, I quite like this. It’s just the right side of perky.

In fact, it brings together two phrases very rarely on speaking terms :

a) ‘ This is quite good ‘, and

b) ‘ Remixed by Shep Pettibone ‘

OK, we have a song that should have sounded like ‘Rescue Me’ by Martha and The Vandellas fused with the filthy bounciness of Serge Gainsbourg’s ‘Sea, Sex and Sun’ - which unfortunately, in Shep’s hands, ends up as a hybrid of ‘Frankie’ by Sister Sledge and the theme tune from Moonlighting. However, in this case it strangely appears to be no bad thing.

It does contain a vast array of mixed metaphors - the flight itself isn’t an actual flight, and yet she picks her beau up at a ‘ticket counter’ from ‘the back of the line’, making it sound like she is choosing luncheon meat at her nearest branch of Sainsburys.

Or maybe that’s the point.

It also contains the phrase ‘As we clear the runway’, which must be one of the most bizarre metaphors for sexual penetration ever committed to vinyl.

Why wasn’t it a hit?

In the year that Rick Astley scored the biggest selling single with ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ I have no idea, and it is positively insulting. It’s saucy in an inoffensive Carry On way, and as cute as a purring kitten. In fact, I’m going to start a campaign to get Sonya back into a recording studio immediately and re-record this, it has Euro Hit written all over it - we could have a nice and cheesy global smash on our hands people.

In short : listen…. and bounce.

Where Is Sonya?

Bugger.

She’s dead.

According to some chap called David on myspace, Sonya was a ‘wonderful gospel singer’, ‘blind’, and now ‘in heaven’. And that, dear friends, is the only piece of information about Sonya I can find anywhere : a casual mention by some bloke’s internet friend on myspace.

And you thought you were depressed after listening to Georgio.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current value : It feels almost dirty and disrespectful, but here we go. Importantly, my copy was made in the UK which seems to up the value for some reason. Must be the tasteful pastel colour scheme on the cover. Either way, the cheapest one I can find on gemm.com is…. bloody hell….. 26 American dollars and 66 cents - which works out at 13 English Pounds and 33 English pence.

And what’s more it’s worth every bloody penny.

Current Profit : 13 pounds and 17 pence. And it’’s all thanks to Sonya, God rest her soul. Hurrah!