I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

The lead singer of Hothouse Flowers would like it be made known that he is sorry sorry sorry baby.

In fact, in a move that is going to startle Lenny D and Tommy Musto, he is very specifically sorry a somewhat incredible 28 times… plus one apology - as he manages to get down on his knees and do the latter in the brief moments of what passes for a middle eight.

Seeing as this song is a full 40 seconds shorter than Lenny and Tommy’s panda dance spectacular, this final grand total of 29 expressions of regret can only lead us to the really rather shocking conclusion that the lead singer of Hothouse Flowers is actually more sorry than everything is, in fact, bamboo.

Anything Specific He’s Apologising For ?

Standing on your face.

That Did Really Fucking Hurt To Be Fair, So I Am Glad He Said Sorry For That. Anything Else ?

In no particular order he is sorry that he has told you lies, pushed you around, claimed he couldn’t telephone you when it turns out he actually could, made you cry in many different geographical locations, and that he didn’t know the following :

a) When he hurt you

b) When you cried

c) When you screamed (which was, presumably, in the moments following that ill-fated face standing incident)

d) When you stopped crying after you had commenced it in b)

e) When you called, and finally

f) When you hurt - which of course makes perfect logical sense when you consider point a)

Indeed, apparently he didn’t even know that he should know any of these things and, although this endless cycle of abuse just sounds like a perfectly normal day in my house, I do understand that in many social circles the lead singer of Hothouse Flowers would, in short, be regarded as a bit of a bastard.

Should I Forgive Him ?

That really rather depends upon whether you’re his mother or not.

Errr… No I’m Not…

In that case then I am afraid this has all been a massive misunderstanding, as he quite clearly states towards the end of the song that this is a record apologising to his sweet mama… and absolutely nobody else.

So if, as you claim, you are not the leader singer of Hothouse Flowers’ mum then this record isn’t actually directed at you, and whether you choose to forgive him or not for your own personal face stomping experience is therefore completely immaterial.

Hang On A Minute. Does This Mean He Has Actually Stood On His Mother’s Face As Well ?

It appears so, yes.

And he’s really very sorry about it all.

I Don’t Care How Bloody Sorry He Is, When He Stood On My Face I Thought It Was A Careless One-Off ‘Mistake’ - But His Own Mother ? That Is No ‘Mistake’ It Tell You… That Is A Pattern.

It’s not a particularly pleasant story, is it ?

The man is obviously totally bonkers, and it is certainly possible we should have really picked up on this at an earlier stage in the proceedings… as in the spoken word intro he even laughs in a rather sinister fashion at his own really really crap joke.

He’s Always Done That. It’s Dreadfully Irritating.

Irritating or not it is, it appears, one of the very few things he isn’t prepared to actually apologise for.

Anything Else Interesting To Add ?

Errr… No.

Sorry.

What Is Hothouse Flowers ?

Surprisingly that question makes sense - as Hothouse Flowers is the name of a book published in 2006 with the shittest plot in the universe.

Yes, using dandelions as its central characters and rather disturbingly aimed squarely at children, the book’s writer claims it to be an allegorical tale warning against the horrors of immigration - and, if the word ‘allegorical’ has had its meaning expanded in recent years so it now also takes in the monolithic mountains of ‘undoubtedly crap’ as well as the sweeping vistas of ‘knob twistingly intolerant’, then his description is probably a fair one :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hot_House_Flowers

What Else Is Hothouse Flowers ?

It is the name of an American report subtitled ‘The Vices and Virtues of Climate Federalism’ which essentially argues that because the US government is so stupidly slow to take a lead on dealing with climate change within it’s own borders, it really shouldn’t complain that states who have already passed their own legislation are then resistant to further central government interference.

Take a look. It is one of those papers that you can’t quite believe anybody ever got around to writing :

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1096571

Anything Else ?

Yes, it is a 1984 album by Wynton Marsalis :

http://www.wyntonmarsalis.org/discography/jazz/hot-house-flowers

which is, incidentally, where our Hothouse Flowers got their name from… and they are still going - after splitting and reforming a few times - in a slightly modified form, here :

http://www.hothouseflowers.com

I’m Sorry is taken from their first album People and was the follow up to their first, and biggest, hit to date Don’t Go. Here are the two songs back to back :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBIKSOlje7Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOhrBhAUFLs

Why Wasn’t I’m Sorry A Hit… But Don’t Go Was ?

Don’t Go is a song about begging somebody not to go and not to leave me now now now - and in our darker, more needy, and possibly more drunk moments we have all done that, haven’t we ?

Whether we care to admit it or not, we have all collapsed in naked pointless humiliating tears in front of the one we love imploring them not to leave, and reassuring them we will change - what’s more we do this safe in the knowledge that the way we are currently acting is actually making it more likely they will, ultimately, get the fuck out of our lives very quickly indeed.

In direct contrast, however, the market for songs about standing on your own mother’s face is somewhat niche to say the least - and I fear this may well have been a contributing factor.

Do You Have Any Desperate Attempts To Connect This With Another Record To End With ?

Yes I do.

According to Wikipedia Hothouse Flowers spent a - surely pointless - one whole day in a recording session with Daniel Lanois. Now, those of you with very long I Am Not The Beatles memories will no doubt recall that poor old Luba has also worked with the tremendously loaded bubblebath fanatic with very disturbing consequences :

http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?p=80

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : One person is charging a stonking 50 quid for this because of it’s limited edition gatefold sleeve (don’t forget to pop off and have a look at it, by the way). The more realistic however are charging… wow… a very decent 5 pounds 60 pence - all of which means Hothouse Flowers have absolutely nothing to apologise for at all.

Current Profit : 186 pounds and 49 pence. I am, in essence, Feeling Good.

Supporting Cast Update : Marsalis, Wynton

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Billy Vera has a big problem.

Oh dear, that’s a shame. Is his lover leaving him ?

She most certainly is. But, if I were Billy, this would be the least of my worries. Instead I would be spending my time indulged in some rather rigorous self examination, trying to work out why I am such a passive aggressive bastard.

I beg your pardon ?

Picture the scene : you and Billy have been seeing each other for while, but recently something has been niggling away at you… something just isn’t working out. You both therefore agree to meet in the pub and discuss the issues.

“What did you think I would do at this moment ?” Billy immediately snaps at you over his beer as soon as you sit down. This is a typical passive aggressive tactic, immediately deflecting all blame and responsibility away from himself - whilst simultaneously very cleverly making himself the centre of all attention.

Urgh. What a passive aggressive bastard.

Indeed. It gets worse in the second verse as Billy ploughs on coldly and clinically, like a bored surgeon slicing deep into your heart :

“What did you think I would say at this moment ?”

“I have no idea,” you would presumably be silently fuming into your Cinzano and lemonade, “Why not just fucking tell me ?”

“Did you think I would curse you ? Say things to hurt you ? Did you think I could hate you ?” he continues blithely not letting you get a word in.

Billy’s arrogant and selfish bullying is then taken to a whole new level, as in the third verse he asks if you turned up to your meeting in the pub today fully expecting him to “raise (his) hands to you?”

You need to be very wary here. Billy’s fragile psychological state means that if you thought such violence was even a remote possibility, then he would undoubtedly claim in a court of law you were in fact already ‘asking for it’, just by being there.

He saves his ultimate cruelty until the very end, however, as in a grand flourish of pomposity his parting lines are like a bullet to the head :

“If you’d stay,” he sneers “I would subtract 20 years from my life.”

To phrase this another way - if you stay with him, he intends to die early.

Jesus Christ.

I know. This bitter footnote hangs bitterly in the air giving the impression that what he is really saying to the person he loves is:

“Sure, we can be together my darling - but please be aware that if we choose to do this it will mean that you will be cursed with being totally alone towards the end of your life, and living with the guilt that you are personally responsible… for my death.”

Fucking hell.

What a passive aggressive bastard.

So ‘Billy Vera and The Beaters’ Is Quite An Unfortunate Band Name ?

Yes.

It is, isn’t it ?

Anyway, this song was apparently written in 1977, but nobody wanted to record it at that moment - although it is claimed Dionne Warwick and Olivia Newton-John both came close to doing so.

It was then revived because it was used over a few romantic scenes in three episodes of the Michael J Fox sitcom Family Ties in the mid eighties. NBC’s switchboard was overloaded with people asking what the song was and, as the cover of this single already points out, it became a massive number one hit in America.

Want to know all about Family Ties ?

http://www.sitcomsonline.com/familyties.html

Billy Vera and those aforementioned ‘Beaters’ are still going strong and claim to be ‘the quintessential LA band’, purely it seems because lots of famous people come to their gigs :

http://www.billyvera.com/

He has worked with shitloads of people, and even claims to have been part of America’s first ever racially integrated singing duo with Judy Clay - which is quite interesting :

http://staxrecords.free.fr/judyclay.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Vera

More recently, Billy has just recorded the song standard ‘You Are My Sunshine’ for the upcoming animated film ‘Foodfight!’ which features the voices of Charlie Sheen, Hilary Duff and Christopher Lloyd among many others :

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0249516/

It is a film about supermarket products that come to life after the shop shuts. How can it possibly fail ?

Billy is still gigging too - they played ‘Cozys’ in Sherman Oaks just last Saturday :

http://www.cozysblues.com/

Surprisingly, he is so well known that he even has a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, somewhere around 1770 Vine Street. Pictures of Billy’s actual star seem pretty non-existent, however, so you’ll have to make do with Kermit The Frog’s instead :

http://tinyurl.com/2xxpjj

More general Hollywood Walk Of Fame information can be found here, if this interests you :

http://www.hollywoodusa.co.uk/walkoffame.htm

Finally, alot of people really really rate this song - but the violent subtext isn’t lost on absolutely everybody. “I consider this the perfect love song,” writes one reviewer on http://www.songfacts.com ” The songwriter really illustrates true love when he won’t lash out or retaliate even when rejected.”

Maybe not. But the threat will hang vaguely in the air so you’ll be psychologically scarred for life.

Want to learn how to play this song so you can scare people at parties? Go on, beat yourself up :

http://tinyurl.com/yo7buo

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Violence begats violence. And this is a violent price : 1 pound and 47 pence. A right thump in the face.

Currrent Profit : 120 pounds and twelve pence.

Supporting cast Update : Fox, Michael J - Warwick, Dionne - Newton John, Olivia - Sheen, Charlie - Duff, Hilary - Lloyd Christopher - Kermit The Frog

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me….

“What’s the matter with the way we look?” begins the lead singer.

One look at the record cover shows what a brave issue this is to raise. There are, it seems, many answers to his enquiry - but for now let’s just say his scarf was probably a bit of a mistake.

“Surely it’s not the end ?” he counters immediately.

Sorry what’s your name? Peter? Well no, it’s obviously not ‘The End’, Peter. There’s no need to overreact, it was just my opinion that’s all.

He interrupts me again: “I only meant to make my emotions clear…” Well, consider yourself very successful in this regard, OK? I won’t mention that bloody scarf again. Jesus.

From hereon, my already admittedly tense relationship with Peter begins to go downhill. He accuses me of worrying too much before completing a total U-turn, asking me to be his friend. This is disturbing bipolar stuff, but it’s not as disturbing as the way he is walking towards me and leaning against the wall - cutting off my only escape route out of the room. He looks at me deeply in the eyes. I try to back away but cannot. He speaks :

“When your heart is weak, I’m gonna pick the lock on it
My fingertips won’t fail me no matter what you do
The love you cannot see yet is about to witness a dawning
And you can twist and turn but you won’t get loose”

The love I cannot see yet ? Errr… Peter? I’ve known you for… what ? A minute and half ? Can I make something very clear : I am not in love with you. It’s not that I cannot ’see’ it ‘yet’, it just isn’t gonna happen. Ever. Also, I don’t like your rather sadistic allusion to me twisting and turning and trying to get ’loose’…

The mood hardens further in the second verse, as Peter’s eyes narrow : “Better forget getting rid of me, I don’t see how you can…”

Oh shit. Now he’s really starting to worry me.

“You put me off and I will hunt you down… again… “

It is at this point that I note it appears Peter really hasn’t forgiven me for that comment about the scarf.

“I’m mighty patient when I have to be, you have given me that
Still I look forward to the day you let me in”

Hang on a minute. First up I haven’t bloody well given you anything apart from a now obviously misplaced snippet of fashion advice. Secondly, if we ever do meet again, I’m not letting you ‘in’ anywhere : not into my group of friends, my house, and certainly not any of my bodily orifices. I am leaving. Now.

I’m starting to panic. After another chorus of Peter trying to make me ’see’ my ‘love’, he frowns at me like a constipated toddler. Oh shit. It’s the middle 8. He jabs me in the stomach :

“I’m gonna prove myself worthy, no more just hanging on without a prayer of a chance”

Will you get out of the way of the door please ? I want to leave.

“I’m gonna come without warning”

Oh no you’re bloody well not. Get your fucking hands off me.

“When your defences are down and you’re in a desperate need”

What the fuck do you think you’re doing? I have no desperate need that involves you, thanks very much - and those are not my ‘defences’ you’re trying to violently pull down Peter, they are my fucking trousers and I am not fucking interested, OK ?

“Oh, I bet you then, you’ll welcome me…”

What exactly am I saying that is so uncomprehensible? I am not ‘welcoming’ you anywhere, Peter. Particularly not there. Now get off me.

Right - this is ridiculous. This conversation is finished. I’m calling the police…

Errrr…..Peter? Peeeeterrr…

… put… down… the knife…

Song Any Good ?

Yeah, it’s alright - it’s one of those songs that you know you’re not supposed to like, but then find yourself inexplicably singing as you walk around Sainsbury’s. You’ll quite enjoy it, as long as you don’t start imagining that you are in a conversation with the lead singer which ends with your own brutal rape and murder.

‘Cock Robbing?’

Stop it.

‘In Your Parted Cheeks’ ?

I said stop it.

Would You Like To Clarify Anything ?

Yes. I would like to categorically point out that Peter Kingsbery has definitely never either raped or murdered me. Nor, I am sure, would he ever have the inclination to do so for one very good reason : he is the lead singer of Cock Robin and definitely not a rapist, a murderer, or a delusional lunatic. In case there is any doubt whatsoever, I am designing a new T-Shirt for our shop :

“Peter Kingsbery Is Innocent’

Please show your support.

So Where Is The Non-Sexually Violent Peter, and His Non-Rapey Friends ?

Well, they’re not here, that’s for sure :

http://www.cockrobinband.com/

unless Peter likes to be called Jim ‘Buzz’ Rummings of a weekend - and this is not their boat :

http://www.cockrobin.com/

But, this is their myspace page and - like so many others on this website before them - they have only gone and bloody reformed :

http://www.myspace.com/peterkingsberycockrobin

Try not to snigger at the fact that the myspace music player shortens the band name to ‘Peter Kingsbery and Cock’. I certainly didn’t.

Tempted ? Then buy their newest album :

http://tinyurl.com/32kwp4

Not tempted - but want the old one ?

http://tinyurl.com/2yznqg

Anything To Add ?

Yes, the name of the keyboard player - Anna LaCazio - is actually a hilarious pseuydonym coined by our Peter because she turned up for the band audition with a shitty Casio keyboard rather than something posh like a DX7 or something.

He would have to eat his words these days though - the latest Casio keyboard has 61 keys, 500 ‘high quality tones’ a whopping 120 rhythms and a ‘Voice Fingering Guide’ :

http://tinyurl.com/2bgh53

You can’t ask for much more than that can you ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current value : 2 pounds and 89 pence. Neither exciting, nor crap.

Current profit : 91 pounds and 35 pence. Incidentally, a few posts back I claimed that Randy Travis was the most successful song on here, because everything else had completely failed to chart. It turns out I was wrong. One other record here did chart - and get to a higher place than Randy. Number 50 to be precise. Who ? Gay Gordon. And The Mince Pies

Bloody hell.

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

The breakdown of any long term relationship is a devastating time for everyone involved.

If you are friends with the two poor suffering individuals, it can be an emotionally fraught experience for you too. The word ‘divorced’ is clinical law based phraseology hiding all the bitterness that flows like molten lava beneath the surface, burning and scolding everything in its path. We have all seen friends get divorced, and to watch people you care about go through such intense emotional hardship is beyond words.

In the case of marriage, two people are so utterly convinced in the loving bond of trust they have discovered in each others inner selves, they express this commitment and desire to be together for the rest of their lives in the form of vows - in front of overjoyed friends and family. To see this kindness and sensitive openness years later descend into vitriol, hate, humiliation and disgust in each other is a lesson into how fragile the human condition truly is.

At least, that’s my opinion.

Alan Darby disagrees.

There is a common truism in the recycling world that there is no ‘away’ to throw things. This maybe correct, but you get the feeling on this record that Alan seems to believe that he has at least found an ‘away’ to throw his end - into a friend of his : a scared, emotionally scarred and about to be divorced woman. He keeps trying to appear caring and loving and not thinking about her pants but no matter how many times he re-phrases his words, his penis keeps rearing it’s ugly head.

The main chorus, for example, starts with a really lovely image of the couple in question at the beginning of their love affair. They are a ‘boy and girl’, with heads in hearts. That’s an arresting thought isn’t it? Your head in both your own heart and the heart of your lover. These two intertwined people then sadly turn, years later, into a lonesome ‘man and woman, dancing apart’. Nice, eh?

He soon ruins it though. He can’t help using this distance on the dancefloor between the two estranged lovers to his own advantage, and motions over to the lady in question to “Come closer, and talk to me.” If I was this woman I wouldn’t be tempted, as I suspect the word ‘closer’ in Alan’s strange world actually means ‘into a toilet cubicle’ and ‘me’ means ‘my penis’.

The dirty bastard.

What’s the music like ?

Disturbing.

If you make it to two minutes, this song has the worst guitar solo you will perhaps ever hear. It’s like listening to a gurning middle aged man cutting down metal trees with a chainsaw.

Then in the outro, having demolished them, he inexplicably turns into Sting – and there’s no need for that.

Ok, We’ve Suffered, Is Alan Still Around ?

Yes he is, and what is more I can guarantee that some of you have actually seen him play live recently…

http://www.wwry-london.co.uk/index.php?page=band

Yes, in the past he has been incredibly successful as a session musician with Eric Clapton and his ilk, and is now… a member of the house band for the Queen musical ‘We Will Rock You’.

Now, Alan and I differ in alot of ways. I wouldn’t use a friend’s catastrophic relationship collapse to try and sleep with them, and I also wouldn’t go anywhere near ‘We Will Rock You’ the musical as I believe it is unlikely to be anything other than a rather large pile of poo. Alan, however, I am sure doesn’t care in either respect - and I don’t blame him. I am sure he is getting paid more than I do and he is doing something that likes. In short : I Hate Him.

The link above also tells us that dear old Alan also writes music for the telly… let’s have a look… errr… well it is a slight misnomer, but he does write library music that possibly could turn up on the TV…. oooh, hang on… calm yourselves… here is a whole album of the stuff streaming online for your delectation :

http://www.dewolfe.co.uk/musicsearch/cd_tracks.php?cdnumber=RMCD%202051

Need to remove tension and stress ? Why not pour yourself a relaxing bath of Radox and listen to ’Turtle Watch’ ? ‘Peaceful, Reflective, Uplifting’… it’s bound to work.

Gosh, he’s done loads our Alan : he seems to have kick started his career by writing the theme music for a 1984 film about Barry Sheene called ’Space Riders’

which, according to IMDB, also features a young Marina Sirtis in the rather unenviable role of ’Girl In Porsche’ and music by Queen. In an odd way then, Alan’s career has come full circle - starting and ending (at least for now) under the gaze of Brian May and his loveable spandexed chums… and, for some reason, I find that all vaguely comforting - now, where did I put that Radox?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value: They are hilariously wide ranging. From somebody trying to cash in on all that ‘We Will Rock You’ nonsense by charging 26 pounds, to somebody who is being a little more realistic and asking for, well, 1 pound and 65 pence.

Current Profit : 88 pounds 44 pence. The nineties lie tantalizingly ahead of us – but it’s slow going. Though not exactly still, we are definitely suffering.

EDIT : New information available in ‘Corrections and Clarifications’

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

“I’m not sayin’ I’m the Prayin’ kind…” Harold hollers authoritatively like a doddery old vicar standing in the pulpit who, despite having been told a million times that the microphone in front of him is actually on, doesn’t understand the technology and so still insists upon shouting at his congregation.

What happens next is strange…

Harold recites a reasonably exhaustive list of the 21 people he does actually pray for - which begs the question what kind of weird religious sect does Harold belong to where mentioning this many people in your prayers still does not really make you count yourself as “the Prayin’ kind ?” Do all the other members of his church all list more than 21 people in their prayers? That’s some pretty serious Professional Prayin’.

Before he launches into his list, he also makes the rather rash claim that he leaves “nobody out” in his prayers. If you’re Harold’s cousin this is the kind of statement that is likely to really to piss you off - as you don’t get a look in.

So who does he pray for ?

Well, first up are his immediate family members : his mother, father, sister and brother.

Then there are the more general categories. These, in no particular order, are : the old, the tired, the weak, the helpless, the lame, Indian chiefs ( I am presuming here that he didn’t mean to say ‘chefs’), the meek, the poor, the hungry, the tired, rich men, poor men, beggars, thieves, doctors, mutes and lawyers.

So if you’re a thief you’re alright – Harold’s Prayin’ for you - but if you’re an Estate Agent, you’re damned. Well, unless you are a meek or poor Estate Agent of course – but that doesn’t seem very likely.

My favourite one on the list though is ‘the tired’.

”Why can’t they sleep ?” he innocently enquires.

Believe me Harold, if you walk up to an insomniac at four in the morning and ask them that, you’re likely to get punched in the face.

Is it Any Good ?

Yeah, it’s alright I suppose – as long as you don’t mind being shouted at for three and half minutes over a half arsed musical approximation of Don’t Leave Me This Way.

Where Are They Now ?

The men with the very shiny foreheads are here :

http://www.aaeg.com/bluebio.htm

They are playing at the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles on 21st July alongside The Stylistics, The Delfonics and The Three Degrees if you’re in the area. Prices start at £12.50.

Anyway, there is of course a bloody good reason why this remix sounds like Don’t Leave Me This Way.

Harold Melvin and The Blue Notes were the first band to record that song in 1975… and this remix of Prayin’ was released in the same year that The Communards also had an enormous hit with their rather fantastic version of Don’t Leave Me This Way - so this was presumably hastily remixed and then released to try and cash in.

Fascinatingly, that mention of the Communards in the last paragraph is Jimi Somerville’s third personal mention in the past four posts. God knows why.

I am obviously developing some sort of fetish and I think I need help – of the Prayin’ kind.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : The best song on here by miles thus far, is lovely Sonya Grier’s fabulous Love Flight 109.

Quite rightly, it was also the most valuable too, clocking in at a rather magnificent 13 pounds and 17 pence. Well, sadly, it is not the most valuable anymore : The original version of Prayin’ released in 1979 is worth pretty much nothing, but I can only find two copies of this 1986 remix anywhere - apparently it is considered some sort of lost Northern Soul ‘classic’. The cheapest one is… brace yourselves… 14 pounds. This is just enough to buy myself Harold’s cheapest concert ticket - but not quite enough for the flight to LA.

Current Profit : 58 pounds and forty eight pence. We almost leapfrog the fifties with one athletic leap.