I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

What a dreadfully depressing self-referential record. It is the song that keeps on taking - and never gives anything back.

“Look at me!” shouts the cover, “I am Nils Lofgren! I can do backflips whilst playing my guitar ! “

“No No No! Listen to meee !” screams the song, “I am a song that pretends to be about something else, but really my subject matter is actually about the fact that Nils Lofgren can do backflips whilst playing his guitar! Sometimes he even performs this song which is about him being able to do backflips whilst playing his guitar whilst, at the same time, actually doing backflips whilst playing his guitar! “

It is not, may I suggest, the most expansive of themes.

” So what? ” you may wish to reply, “I have got a double-jointed elbow in my right arm which means I can reach around the back of my head and still pick my right nostril with my little finger. I may bore people with this fact when I’m a little bit drunk in the pub, but importantly I never mention it when I’m sober - and I would certainly never write a bloody song about it. You big show off.”

So this isn’t just a car crash of a song, it is a multiple pile-up on the M4 of a song. It is a Volvo that has been driving too fast on purpose, safe in the knowledge that when it reaches 85 miles per hour the shitty caravan it is towing will indeed ‘Flip Ya Flip’ over all the lanes of the motorway beside it - killing all and sundry who just happen to be around at the time.

Still, at least all the other cars will notice it, slow down later and have a good look at the carnage when they pass by. And that’s got to be worth something these days, hasn’t it ?

Where Is Flipping Nils ?

Now, I am not a big fan of Bruce Springsteen otherwise I would have undoubtedly known that our Nils is a member of his ‘E Street Band’. From my personal experience of Bruce Springsteen fans, I could also probably name every single bloody song that he played on - in order.

As it is though, Nils lives here :

http://www.nilslofgren.com/

He joined Neil Young’s band when he was 17 (1968) and played and sung on his acclaimed album ‘After The Goldrush”. Though impressive, I can’t really comment on this as it is an album I have never heard. It is one of those that I keep meaning to get round to buying, but God it looks dull - and I have therefore always kept a safe distance.

Here is Nils’ discography, which rather strangely forgets about this single, and is also full of lots of other records and I never ever want to hear :

http://www.nilslofgren.com/Music07.html

Actually that’s a bit of a lie, there is one : I am quite interested in hearing ‘Last Man Standing’ by Jerry Lee Lewis.

Finally for all you Nils lovers, here are some photos of his last tour in the UK in 2001 :

http://www.shinesilently.com/uk_tour_2001.htm

Mysteriously, he didn’t play this song.

Does Nils Really Do Backflips Whilst Playing His Guitar On Stage ?

Yes he does. But I have just discovered he can only do it with the help of a trampoline.

The big girl.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Well, it is a shame that I don’t own a record with this exact same title recorded by a chap called ‘Nils Lofgreen’ - because somebody wants 47 pounds for that one. Lofgren’s version though is worth a measley 1 pound 83 pence.

Current Profit : 114 pounds and 65 pence. Slow going, isn’t it ?

Supporting Cast Update : Young, Neil - Lewis, Jerry Lee - Springsteen, Bruce

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“It would be premature to describe 28 year old Randy Travis as a household name in Europe…”, states the blurb in the lavishly packaged booklet that comes with this record. ‘Premature’ would indeed be one way to describe it, but I can’t shake the feeling that ‘A Huge Cocking Lie’ would perhaps be a better summation of the situation.

This very glossy booklet overflows with countless gleaming photos in which a glistening Randy tries desperately not to smile at the camera. In fact, the pages of the booklet are so incredibly shiny you get the feeling the designers were actually consciously creating some sort of re-usable wipe free surface – just in case gazing at countless visages of Randy’s chiseled features and rampant sexuality got anybody a little overexcited.

Yet the assumption of his apparently obvious hunkiness also seems to be rather ‘premature’, as in reality there is something of the pencil about our Randy. Somehow it looks like his face has been drawn onto the eraser bit of a nice HB and, if you turned him upside down, it would be possible to use the top of his head to rub stuff out.

Meanwhile, in other photos it is less a case of ‘I Am Not The Beatles’, and more a case of ‘I Am Not Paul Robinson’ :

Randy is also a bit ‘premature’ with his views on women. He will, he says, love you for

“As long as old men sit and talk about the weather, As long as old women sit and talk about old men…”

which seems to be an oddly outdated perception, as it suggests he believes all the men should have a decent hobby – in this case meteorology – yet thinks women should have no outside interests except talking to each other about their husbands who have interesting hobbieson their behalf… the big bloody sexist.

Also, these people are old - they’re not going to be talking about other people talking about the weather for very much longer are they ? It is a strictly limited timescale we are dealing with here. The next generation of old people aren’t going to be boring each other shitless about the weather, I promise you. They’ll be doing it by wanking on about the latest Nintendo Wii X-Pro XVI that is now small enough to inject directly into their ever decaying eyeballs.

It all goes even more horribly wrong in the second verse. I am not going to ruin it for you but here is a warning : You’ll understand what dear Randy is trying to say, but it is all so jaw-droppingly badly phrased that if you are currently eating Coco Pops you may need to stop doing so at this bit - or you may well end squirting them out of your nostrils in disbelief.

The Best Bit

Whenever he sings “Oh darlin’..” but only because when he does it, it sounds like a cute affectation – but if I attempt to join in, I inexplicably sound like a Dorset farmer talking to my favourite cow.

The Outro

There is a room in hell where this song never ends. You enter the room, the door locks quietly behind you, and it plays all the way to the outro as normal but when Randy sings

“… forever and ever, forever and ever, forever and ever, forever and ever, forever and ever…”

It hits an eternal groove and plays in your soul forever and ever and ever.. and there is no Amen.

It’s also got a free interview flexi disc! Any good ?

No, not really. But there’s a fun bit towards the end when he talks about being rejected by countless record companies - but ‘they were always real nice to us’ when they did so. Awww… bless :

Where Is Randy ?

Well, as intimated in the above interview, it seems our Randy had a wild streak in him when he was younger - as he did a few naughty things and eventually ended up in prison :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randy_Travis

Then, after much singy success, he found a nice lady to love forever and ever - although it was a bit of a shame that she was married at the time…

Still, he is alive and well, living here

http://www.randy-travis.com/

and has gone all Christian on us :

http://www.christianitytoday.com/music/artists/randytravis.html

He is obviously a little bit older these days. Hmmm… I wonder if he lets his wife invite any friends around so they can have a good chinwag. You know, just to talk about him - talking about the weather.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 2 pounds and 24 pence. Incidentally, Gemm claims that Randy “kicked open the door for the “country hunk” phenomenon of the ’90s.” Gosh. Pass the Kleenex.

Current Profit : 82 pounds and 68 pence. Incidentally, this is the most successful single chart-wise thus far. Yes, it reached the dizzy heights of… number 55. This is all comparative to nothing of course - as none of the previous songs actually charted at all.

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Did You Know ?

The grunting of pigs is all to do with the shape of their piggy vocal chords. Unlike humans, whose larynxes move forward and down in their throats in early infancy, piggy ones remain towards the back of their throat for their whole lives. While this means that they can both breathe and drink at the same time, it prevents them from communicating in any way other than this simple sound.

Being a pig then is a bit like the song ’Let Love Be The Leader’ : one long grunt.

I have nothing against soft rock per se - Starship released the totally magnificent ‘Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now’ in the same year as this, for example. However, whereas Starship’s lovely record is like being caressed under silk sheets by your favourite fantasy movie star - FM’s is like being gangbanged on an old cement mixer by the entire cast of Auf Weidersehn Pet. ie It can at times be both uncomfortable and unpleasant.

Still, I have often wondered just how bad your record would have to be for your specially numbered limited edition box set to be sold for 8 pence just a few weeks after release.

The answer is now obvious :

This bad.

It’s a Box Set ! What’s In It ?

This record, unfortunately.

Oh, and six separate oh so fucking hilarious autographed ’colour photo-biogs’ giving biographies of all the band members.

Yes, if you haven’t done so already, it is time for you to pop off to the photo section and take a look - it is some of the most depressingly blokey slappable nonsense you will ever read…

LAUGH !?! At a grown man who calls himself ‘Didge Digital’ and who claims to have studied at ‘Venus College Of Music.’

GIGGLE !??! At vocalist and lead guitarist Chris Overland’s attempt at humour, describing the time ‘a can of Carlsberg Special Brew’ was surgically removed ‘from his left hand’.

POSITIVELY POO YOURSELF STUPID !???! At the phrase ’Merv the Swerve’

ATTACH A HOSEPIPE TO YOUR EXHAUST AND SIT IN YOUR CAR IN THE GARAGE !????! If it all gets a bit too much.

What Happened Next ?

Well, it seems FM were formed from ex-members of the following bands : Samson, Streetfighter, Diamond Head, Wildlife and Bad Company. Hmmmm… you’d have really thought they might have guessed the end result may have been a bit disappointing, wouldn’t you ?

They then spent their lives being the support band to the (mostly fading) stars : Reo Speedwagon, Foreigner, Magnum, Bon Jovi, Status Quo and Gary Moore.

And then…… they split up, creating such dreadfully named bands such as Andy Barnett’s Barnstormers, The Slaves and SO! The Steve Overland Band.

http://tinyurl.com/27w3mo

http://www.so-band.com/

On the not remotely bitter SO! Steve Overland Band website, our Steve claims that he was buried by ‘general music industry apathy’ and their quest for manufactured disposable drivel…<but the release of SO!’s album means that>…..it’s good to know there are still a few record companies around that look beyond “a haircut and a dance routine”. He then, with no trace of irony, refers to himself as ‘The Voice’.

But panic not, FM lovers - all is not lost… because with very spooky good timing, SO! The Steve Overland Band are no more…. and……yes!…..FM are reforming and playing together for the first time in twelve years, performing at something called Firefest 4 in Nottingham on October 27th this year :

http://www.getreadytorock.com/index4.htm

There is bad news though : Leather clad alien Didge Digital will not, I repeat not, be joining them. Sad though this is, what is even sadder is the reason why… he now plays in an Emerson, Lake & Palmer covers band.

Which raises just one further question : Who the fuck pays to see an Emerson, Lake & Palmer covers band ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : There are alot of them about - it seems that just about everybody who owns one is trying to get rid of the bloody thing. One person was even asking for 21 pounds, which seems a tad optimistic to say the least. Anyway, the cheapest one I can find is seven pounds and 96 pence which is still a stupid amount of money to pay for this nonsense. Let’s be honest here - who, with the possible exceptions of the band themselves and their mums, who would ever possibly want to buy one ?

Current Profit : 74 pounds and 66 pence : Let Love Be The Loss Leader.