I Am Not The Beatles

 

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

The lead singer of Balaam & The Angel wants to show you something special.

I bet he does.

What’s more, it is a something that measures 7 inches…

Then I fear he is about to be sorely disappointed, as in my experience 7 inches is anything but special - it takes alot more than that to take the sadness from my smile I promise you.

I think you misunderstand, as the something he is referring to isn’t his Silver Sword… but his… SILVER RECORD!

He has a SILVER RECORD! ?

Yes!

It isn’t a real SILVER RECORD! obviously - as that would imply some sort of chart success on this song’s part - but still, it’s a nice and shiny distraction away from the musical musings which are contained upon it.

Are these musings something special ?

In as much as sounding not unlike a slightly tipsy ZZ Top can be described as such, yes.

Anything else special to note ?

Yes, two somethings :

Firstly, if you hang around long enough then you are soon rewarded with a gap for you to stop dancing in momentarily - which is always a bonus - and secondly, rarely for a rock record, the something special the lead singer refers to isn’t actually remotely penis based at all… but emotional : he wants to create a mutual feeling of trust and respect between you both in the hope this may grow and develop naturally into radiant happiness and love.

The big pansy.

What’s The Best Bit ?

The end.

But only because you know that they chose to finish the recorded version of the song in this way just so when they played it live they could wait for a bit… shout “ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!”… and then haul themselves back into it all over again.

What A Special Band Name!

It is isn’t it - and, interestingly, if we decide to take as a stone cold fact that the lead singer of Balaam & The Angel’s penis most definitely really is 7 inches long, then rather ironically

a) He could never be described as being hung like a donkey, despite the fact that
b) The band name is all about donkeys. Talking donkeys.

I Find That Hard To Braylieve…

Well, here is the story - although for more sensitive readers I should probably warn that the following narrative does contain the mental image of somebody opening “the mouth of the ass”.

In the Old Testament of The Bible, Balaam was considered a poet and prophet of such high regard that people thought he was directly connected to and spoke with God. As such, it was thus believed that when Balaam blessed items or people they truly were blessed - and conversely those he cursed were truly cursed.

At some point in Balaam’s life some chap turned up, for reasons unspecified, to ask him if he wouldn’t mind popping off somewhere to spend a bit of time cursing the entire country of Israel. Balaam said that he would but only if God approved the project first, so he asked God… and lo and behold He did say it was alright - as long as Balaam only cursed things when God said he could and only with the words that God told him to use at the time.

Accepting this caveat Balaam then got on his donkey and started travelling to wherever he was going to do his cursing. However at this point The Angel Of The Lord went a bit rogue and decided to try and stop the cursey Balaam, so he made himself invisible to humans - but crucially not donkeys - and floated about a bit.

This vision of The Angel Of The Lord - which after all is a pre-incarnate appearance of Jesus Christ himself - jumping around in front of her face rather unsurprisingly made the donkey stop still in sheer fucking terror… which in turn made Balaam absentmindedly start cursing it with the sort of words that would probably shock even an all knowing God, and which therefore He would never have signed off in the first place.

What happened next, according to the King James Bible, was :

“… the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?”

A slightly pissed off Angel Of The Lord then made himself visible to Balaam and in no uncertain terms told him that the only reason he wasn’t dead at this present moment was because of his Amazing Talking Ass.

Balaam was thus allowed to get to wherever he was going and tried to start all that railing against Israel which he had been asked to do previously (a process which must surely be known as Israiling), only to then find that God had tricked him a bit and would actually only let him say nice things about the place - such as praising the cleanliness of the beaches and what a nice place it was to go on holiday.

The moral of this tale is apparently that we should always heed God’s word - although it could also admittedly be that if you want to write a moralistic story which people take remotely seriously, you should probably never have the words ‘mouth’ and ‘ass’ in anything approaching a close proximity.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balaam

http://cicministry.org/commentary/issue4.pdf

Wham! Balaam! I Am! A Man!

Unlike a young and lithe George Michael, Balaam & The Angel aren’t just one man but three - and what’s more they are all brothers : James, Mark and Des Morris originally from Motherwell in Scotland.

The band was formed in 1984, incredibly 25 years later they are still going, and they are the proud owners of one of the world’s most initially confusing websites :

http://www.balaamandtheangel.co.uk

Want to hear some more ? It’s all very pleasant - their myspace page is here :

http://www.myspace.com/balaamandtheangel

And lots of photos and other stuff is at an unofficial site, here :

http://www.balaamandtheangel.com

Interestingly it turns out the band are quite influential and very entrepreneurial in their own right, as in order to get their songs released they set up their own independent record company in Birmingham called Chapter 22 Records. They didn’t just keep it for themselves however, they also signed other bands too - which means that without them the world may never well have heard of Pop Will Eat Itself, The Mission and …errr… Scorpio Rising :

http://www.vinyltap.co.uk/shop/label/Chapter+22.aspx

And if - just like that lovely chap over at Because Midway Still Aren’t Coming Back - that is the kind of music which makes you go all wobbly with excitement, this fact alone must surely make Balaam & The Angel Something very Special indeed.

Money Update

Cost: 8 pence
Current Value: 1 special pound and 73 somethings
Current Profit: 339 pounds and 40 pence.

Supporting Cast Update : ZZ Top; Michael, George

I’ll show you Something Special :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQEm37DlsgA

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

In 1985, the song ‘19′ seemed like just another Paul Hardcastle record, but it wasn’t, it was different in many ways - particularly the difference between the prices. A previously recorded song called ‘Rain Forest’ for example cost me 8 pence and was entirely instrumental… but ‘19′ was a hit which you bought for £1.50 and also had nonsensical words.

N-N-N-N-Nonsensical words.

This Previous Song Any Good ?

‘All those who remember the war-orrr, they won’t forget what they’ve seen…’ the middle eight of ‘19′ begins oxymoronically - and what exact situation is it that these poor petrified soldiers will both always remember and never forget, as if these acts of memory recall are two completely separate feats ?

‘Destruction!’ of course, ‘of men in their pry-ime whose average age was 19.”

This famous statistical conclusion is obviously extremely thought provoking, but the song itself is really rather weighed down by the mention of a detailed mathematical calculation and the clunky usage of the word ‘average’ - which presumably worked sparklingly well when spoken dolefully by a heavy smoker in a documentary on the television, but unfortunately doesn’t scan very well when shrieked out loud by a female vocalist.

Indeed, in my more wistful moments I dream that a following line in the lyric - ‘The cube root of which incidentally is 2.668401648721945′ - was hastily axed by nervous record company executives fearing nerdy Paul’s war-orr based calculations were starting to get just a little bit too complex for the casual listener to fully digest.

Can You Tell Me About Rain Forest Please ?

If that weren’t enough, the sentence’s badly thought out phraseology when taken in it’s entirety reads

‘All those who remember the war-orrr, they won’t forget what they’ve seen : Destruction of men in their pry-ime whose average age was 19.’

and suggests that the aforementioned ex-soldiers aren’t just endlessly reliving the dreadful time they watched all their best friends getting their fucking heads ripped off by submachine gun fire in the terrifying battleground of Vietnam.

Instead it seems they are actually endlessly reliving the dreadful time they watched all their best friends getting their fucking heads ripped off by submachine gun fire in the terrifying battleground of Vietnam - with the very important caveat that at that moment they were all more than fully aware that their average age was 19. If Paul’s sensational claim is true, we must only conclude that whilst all the absolute total hell of death and near death and brain/face juxtapositional clashes were horrifically taking place both on and around them all, the US soldiers were independently consistently calculating the arithmetic mean average age of all their counterparts - and if this really was happening then, frankly, it’s no wonder they lost the bloody war.

Rain Forest ?

‘Di-Di Di-Di Di-Di Di-Destruction!
Di-Di Di-Di Di-Di Di-Destruction!’

the singer then repeats, apparently with the strange belief that saying this word twice with a rhythmic stammer will hammer this frankly unbelievable point home to an already sceptical audience. This is complete nonsense of course - after all, if repeatedly stammering in this way was an even remotely useful device to get people to listen to what you were saying to them, then I am sure interrogator de rigeur Mr Jeremy Paxman would have used it at least a couple of times in his famous interview with Michael Howard out of sheer fucking desperation.

‘Di-Di Di-Di Di-Di Di-Did you threaten to overule him ?
Di-Di Di-Di Di-Di Di-Did you threaten to overule him ?’

Mind you, if Jeremy had used this device, I suppose it would at least have allowed Michael Howard - when interviewed a couple of years later for one of those tedious talking heads programs about the recent past - to turn confusedly to the camera and also repeatedly state

‘I wasn’t really sure what was going on
I wasn’t really sure what was going on.’

Oi! Why Are You Going On About That Massive Hit Song ‘19′ ? I Know All About That Record, I Want To Know About This One - This Instrumental : Rain Forest.

Because ‘19′ was a worldwide hit for Paul Hardcastle on the major label Chrysalis in the same year that Rain Forest wasn’t a hit on the label Bluebird. It must thus follow that our Paul was either signed as a direct result of a general perceived wonderfulness of this record… or that this record was re-released after all that ‘19′ stuff in an attempt to cash in on the success of the other. Either way, what it does mean most categorically is that their histories are intrinsically and fascinatingly intertwined.

You’re Just Saying That Because You Can’t Think Of Anything To Say About Rain Forest Aren’t You ?

Absolutely not.

I Don’t Believe You.

OK, then I will talk about it for a bit.

Errr… as records go… Rain Forest is quite… squelchy.

Squelchy ?

Yes, squelchy.

It squelches along like your ever damp feet in a leaky pair of wellies after a particularly strong rainstorm.

In A Rain Forest Perhaps ?

Not really - more like around your local supermarket after you’ve dashed from the car park in an attempt to avoid the downpour. In fact, so much does it sound like the kind of thing Sainsbury’s might well play quietly yet sinisterly in the background whilst I buy some delicious processed food, by the end of the song I was absentmindedly pulling cans of baked beans off the shelf in my kitchen and handing them to my bemused cat to scan them in over the hob.

I Think I Vaguely Recognise This Song. Is That Possible ?

Yes, it is… as it turns out that it is both of the assumptions as stated above ie It is the song that inspired Chrysalis to sign him and a re-release after ‘19′ to cash in on his new number one status. Rain Forest was originally released in 1984 reaching the intensely magical heights of number 41 - and lets face it, you can’t get much more tantalisingly close to number 40 than that. It was originally recorded as a television theme tune for a programme about the British hip hop scene, only to then apparently get released itself and become a massive hit internationally selling over half a million copies worldwide. When re-released in the UK a year later however, it appears to have sold bugger all.

Interestingly, after all that ‘19′ stuttery stuff (the album of which Melody Maker’s Colin Irwin reviewed with words pretty much emulated everywhere else : ‘Paul Hardcastle is a clever bastard, but he seems to have no grasp of transferring true warmth and human emotion to record.’) Paul has now gone all Smooth Jazz on us - and very successful he is too :

http://www.paulhardcastle.com

http://tinyurl.com/6gxzlp

He seems very well respected in his very glittery field and has even recently revisited this very song in an ohsojazzy way - it’s sounds a bit like the theme tune to Cagney and Lacey played at a tenth of the speed by a man you can only presume is

a) Endlessly winking at you. And,

b) Wearing gold lamé :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qCnkSMholc

Don’t care about his latest Smooth Jazz stuff and want to immerse yourself in Paul’s earlier work ? Then why not try the follow up single to ‘19′, ‘Just For Money’ featuring the voices of Sir Lawrence Olivier and Bob Hoskins - with the former enunciating painfully correctly and the latter grunting like a creepy cockernee :

http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=jqj3c8-aTjE&feature=related

Or relive Paul’s theme tune to Top Of The Pops :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNxzsUWBwz8

Or, completely off the subject, just watch all the Top Of The Pops theme tunes in one go :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuSI2q_TVt0

Was The Average Of The Combat Soldier In Vietnam Really 19 ?

It depends upon who you want to believe.

This website, for example, claims the real average age to actually be a rather precise 22.8 years old :

http://www.vietnam-war.info/myths

But then, seeing as it also claims “The American military was not defeated in Vietnam” because “The American military did not lose a battle of any consequence “ - and describes it militarily as “almost an unprecedented performance” you may not want to 100% hang upon it’s every pronouncement.

This argument, along with a few others, is looked at in a bit more depth here if you’re interested :

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Why_did_the_US_lose_the_Vietnam_War

“Technically, we were not at war, we were advisors [as] the Congressional approval to fight in Vietnam was not given. “

Incidentally, the main documentary samples in ‘19′ are from a narration about the Vietnam war by an American chap called Peter Thomas. In a bizarre change of career, he then went on to become the digitised voice for the Philips Heartstart range of defibrillators which prompts emergency medical personnel on when to press that scary button which delivers an electric shock to the patient in an attempt to revive them.

http://tinyurl.com/66krfc

And let’s face, if you were in a similar my heart’s just stopped beating situation, I should imagine suddenly hearing that voice yell CLEAR! would be shock enough to start your heart again all by itself.

You Haven’t Told Us Anything About This Record At All !

Well, I haven’t done that badly. After all, I regret to inform you that you have just spent a part of your life you will never get back again reading precisely 1495 words on the subject of Paul Hardcastle… with 251 of them dedicated soley to Rain Forest.

Now, if you take these 251 words as a percentage of the entire word count of the article, it works out as an entirely reasonably 16.78%.

Which is, ermmm… about average.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence. There is another record here all about being 19 years old in Vietnam. Why not take a look, I got called a fuckwit because of it and everything : http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?p=387
Current Value : I got all excited for a few seconds there - as some people are charging 20 quid for this song. But it turns out that is only for the US release. My 8 pence version ? 2 pounds and 74 pennies. Pffffft. Don’t Waste My Time.
Current Profit : 212 pounds and 74 pence. Want to read the lyrics to ‘19′ ? The ones transcribed at the next link do a bit of a role reversal and make Vietnam sound like a war for geriatric oldies compared to the sprightly youngsters fighting in World War II. Just clicky here : http://homepage.ntlworld.com/gary.hart/lyricsh/hardcastle.html

Want to download some naughty free ‘19′ mixes whilst you’re at it ?

http://tinyurl.com/6dzsmv

Supporting Cast Update : Thomas, Peter; Paxman, Jeremy; Oliver, Sir Lawrence; Hoskins, Bob; Irwin, Colin

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Basements are, by their very nature, always situated downstairs - and Biba’s Basement is no different in this regard, located as it is bang slap between Biba’s legs.

Biba’s Pet Name For Her Vagina… Is Her Basement ?

Biba’s personal referencing system for her own genitalia is sadly unrecorded, but it seems Ken Foreman - the lead singer of Thrashing Doves - certainly likes to view it in that way. Unfortunately however with this song Ken also wishes to voice his displeasure concerning the general overall state of Biba’s Basement, as when he popped down there recently to check that it was all still watertight… he found something ticking.

Ticking ?

Yes - and he isn’t referring to the watch he accidentally left behind the curtains on his previous visit either, as he appears to be using the word ticking in what posh linguists would describe as the present participle ie Biba’s Basement… is covered in ticks.

Ugh.

Don’t panic though as Ken is clearly on the case and after a brief investigation is currently laying the blame for this ticking squarely, if not necessarily entirely fairly, on the fact that Biba’s Basement has a Persian rug outside it’s door.

Errr… Isn’t That A Perfectly Natural Look For A Vagina ?

In my strictly limited experience, yes – but it doesn’t appear to be to Kens taste at all.

Anyway, in a desperate attempt to gain control of the situation he has just tried smoking the ticks out of Biba’s rug, but that made no real difference to the overall basement. In fact, so bad is the infestation that he is currently rather candidly advising Biba she may well want to consider getting some sort of a replacement.

Rug ?

Basement.

Now, I want to state plainly here that I don’t think such a transplant is either particularly viable or especially necessary either but - whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation - it’s too late now… as if you take a look at the front cover Biba is already

a) under sedation

b) mid operation, and

c) having her right breast groped by the surgeon who apparently just can’t help himself.

The big perve.

Hmmm… I don’t trust this lead singer of Thrashing Doves at all – we met previously you see about a year ago, and in that instance he was found to be rather arrogantly withholding some vital truths of the situation within which he found himself, and as a result made me look rather stupid.

Well, that tendency to lie hasn’t really changed I’m afraid. Just listen to the end of the second verse for example, where he rather stupidly tries to convince us that Guy Fawkes was a close personal acquaintance of his - which would make Ken at least 402 years old, the silly bugger.

Perhaps He Meant To Say Guy Ritchie ?

Guy Ritchie ? Why on earth would the lead singer of Thrashing Doves possibly be a friend of Guy Ritchie ?

Well, towards the end of this song I note that Ken claims to have also recently visited the basement belonging to Guy’s soon to be ex-wife, Madonna – so it could be that Guy had coincidentally popped down to her basement to start collecting his stuff at the same time that Ken was there.

That would certainly make Madonna’s basement a tad overcrowded wouldn’t it ? Anyway, I think you’ve probably misheard a rather key lyric here, as Ken doesn’t refer to Maddies basement – but Maggie’s Basement.

As in Margaret Thatcher.

Fucking hell. Ken has been rooting around Margaret Thatcher’s basement as well ?

I am afraid that when it comes to basements… our Ken isn’t really that picky.

What’s more, in a coincidence which is all too rather revealing, once he got down there he found Margaret Thatcher’s basement to be bloody well ticking too… so, just like Biba, he has advised her to get a replacement.

The Sick. Fucking. Bastard.

It is, I must admit, a bit of a coincidence that of the two basements most recently visited by Ken both were found to be ticking. As such it is becoming increasingly obvious to me that Ken is the sick man infected with the genital ticks - and he is consciously, purposefully and maliciously spreading them around any old basement he can get his hands on before then using his camp powers of persuasion to force himself onto his victims and carry out some totally unnecessary vaginal replacement surgery.

Then, if that wasn’t enough, he also cops a quick feel of their breasts and takes a photograph as some sort of a ’souvenir’.

This man needs help.

Fast.

Would Margaret Thatcher Ever Get Her Revenge On Thrashing Doves For This Sleight On Her Vaginal Health ?

Yes – she would mercilessly and unrelentingly bring down their entire fucking career at the exact moment their next single was released.

We have, as I say, met Thrashing Doves here before with their previous effort Matchstick Flotilla. So, if you don’t know the full story of how Margaret Thatcher Got Her Own Back – or even if you just want to read a famous tale you already know of but this time with the phrase ‘they were totally fucked’ as part of the narrative – then click here:

http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?p=89

Incidentally, the link above also details what all the members are up to these days – although we did miss out one by mistake :

http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?page_id=318

Just How Camp Is Ken’s Performance?

Very.

In fact,I have just held my ever trusty campometer (otherwise known as my left ear) up to the speaker and it currently claims that this vocal for Biba’s Basement is a rather astounding 147 times more camp than the 4 minute mincefest that is Matchstick Flotilla - as this time Ken seems doubly incapable of refraining himself from ooohing and aaahing all over the place making this song sound not unlike Alan Carr : The Musical.

The best bit though is the intro :

“One, two… one two three PHWOARRRR…” it all begins as if Ken is touching himself whilst looking at a photograph of the slightly tearful remaining members of Take That just after Robbie Williams had left – with both his Phwoarrrr and his passion obviously reserved for Mark Owen.

Is Ken As Camp As His Singing Would Suggest ?

You can find out for yourself if you like, by watching the video :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUUoLFnBagk

Sorry, I Can’t Be Bothered To Do That… Can’t You Just Tell Me ?

Ok - the answer is ‘No… But.’

With the ‘but’ bit being the fact that every single ounce of camp floating around in the known universe appears to have been distilled into Ken’s right leg which is the campest right leg I have ever set my eyes on… but the rest of him, oddly, remains totally unaffected.

Which is all a bit unsettling to be honest.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence. Want to find out more about Thrashing Doves ? http://www.thrashingdoves.co.uk/html/press_archive.html

Current Value : 2 pounds and 34 pence… which is 1 pound and 4 pence less than their previous effort. Incidentally, if you are the owner of a basement which is unfortunately ticking you may want to get one of these : http://www.lymediseaseaction.org.uk/information/tick_removal.htm

Current Profit : 205 pounds and 83 pence. The box… is ticked.

Supporting Cast Update : Winton, Dale; Carr, Allan; Owen, Mark; William, Robbie

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

“ Human beings live in a state of mind called ’sanity’ on a small planet in space. They are not quite sure whether the space around them is infinite or not (either way it is unthinkable). If they think about time, they find it inconceivable that it had a beginning. It is also inconceivable that it did not have a beginning. Thoughts of this kind are not disturbing to ’sanity’, [despite the fact]… it is a salient feature of our position that we are in a state of total uncertainty. Possibly the universe started with a ‘big bang’ a few aeons ago, or perhaps something even more incredible happened. In any case, there is no reason known to us why everything should not stop existing at any moment. I realize that to my sane readers I shall appear to be making an empty academic point. That is precisely what is so remarkable about sanity.

Celia Green - The Human Evasion

“I think we have different value systems. “
“Well mine’s better. “

Douglas Adams - The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy

Existence is pretty fucking weird isn’t it ?

If we are all infinite souls experiencing three dimensional space before we finally reunite in some form or other with the rest of our spiritual self in a place where time and place don’t exist - let alone the idea of ‘self’ - that’s pretty fucking weird.

However, if all spirituality is a human invention and this entire reality just happened - by chance - to not only luck itself into existence from nothing at all, but also eventually randomly evolve conscious beings able to question how they and it got there in the first place, then that’s a pretty fucking weird state of affairs too.

Worryingly then, of the only two options we have available to us as to the reason for our entire existence, both of them are really fucking weird.

What’s This Got To Do With That Nice Graham Parker ?

The scientific option for The Beginning Of Everything has the problem that it relies on something being made out of nothing. It is unfortunate then that historical precedent suggests this theory may well be ill-advised. The only other time I can think of where people tried to make Something Out Of Nothing was on an Eastenders spin-off single involving both Letitia Dean and Nick Berry - and that was a total fucking unmitigated disaster.

Luckily for humanity, that disaster lasted only 3 minutes and measured a mere 7 inches in diameter. But if you take the terror contained within those 3 minutes and multiply it over the possibly infinite length of time itself, then take the horror squeezed into those devilish 7 inches and multiply it over the possibly infinite size of the universe, you can perhaps understand why I am a little concerned that scientists are trying to base their entire theory of reality upon it.

Oddly, despite this Letitia laced warning, modern trendy types like to chuck their atheism around the place with the kind of swagger which suggests that, just like the Urban Cookie Collective before them, they hold both the key and the secret. They are wrong, of course, as definitive proof is one thing they do not have and therefore - whether they like it or not - it must follow that religion may actually be right.

By saying this I am not referring to all that Old Testament stuff which indicates you should inexplicably cut the testicles off four donkeys and shove them up your bottom for a couple of days as a ‘punishment’ because you happen to be homosexual - I am talking about the absolute basics. ie It is possible that when you die something else might happen to you other than just the death of a body as human beings can perceive it.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it would be pretty fucking weird if it did but - as I say - the other Nick Berry based option isn’t exactly not fucking weird.

Errr… Graham Parker ?

Most importantly of course, neither position can conclusively prove they are 100% correct when it comes to the existence or non-existence of a spiritual element to reality - no matter how many various celebrity atheist authors or Christian pop stars claim otherwise. Essentially, each requires the individual to make a final leap of faith in order to accept it as a personal fact.

Indeed, both science and religion would find it hard to conclusively prove that I actually exist - and I actually do.

Errr… I think …

Please Shut Up And Tell Me About This Record.

“The missionary’s position is clear,” puns an obviously angry Graham as if he has been transformed into Richard Dawkins and is being forced to go down on the Archbishop of Canterbury until he finally concedes that his latest book is actually an opinion, “Break Them Dow-yown…”

For the rest of the song Graham makes entirely valid points concerning the disgraceful act of forcing religion onto other cultures and the inherent violence used to do so - and he is, of course, correct to be so utterly appalled.

Herein lies the downside of the religious option for The Beginning Of Everything : human beings keep trying to give their spiritual belief some sort of earthly representation and, as any of your exes will probably tell you, human beings can be bastards.

Graham though is using this human stupidity and violence to negate the very idea of a spiritual non human presence in the universe - and this makes as much sense as negating the very idea of science just because you weren’t a huge fan of the Hiroshima bomb.

Errr, Right. Tell Me, Is The Song Any Good ?

Yes it is, it is very good - if a little lumpen and with a slight overexcited use of vocal reverb.

In other parts of it Graham resembles a particularly grumpy Joe Jackson - presumably mere moments after he discovers that, yes, she really is going out with him… ‘Gorilla’ or not.

Where Is Graham Now ?

You can read all about the very highly regarded Graham Parker, who was born in the UK but now apparently lives in the US, here :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graham_Parker

He seems very nice, is touted as an angry young man influence on people like Elvis Costello and (hurrah!) Joe Jackson - and most recently released an album in March of this year called Don’t Tell Columbus, which is seen by many as real return to form :

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Tell-Columbus-Graham-Parker/dp/B000MR9C1Y

As Graham himself said about it :

“If I never make a record again, that’ll be fine with me. This is it. My work is done here.”

Like a theoretical God on the sixth day of creation however, his work wasn’t done as he has now quite literally just released a new download only album The End Of Faith’, has started a blog and… has just read Richard Dawkins’ book ‘The God Delusion’ :

http://chairmanparker.blogspot.com/2007/10/end-of-faith.html

“I think this is an urgent matter, and I think the sooner mankind can stamp out religion with the light of reason the better. The world and the universe will not be any less miraculous for it, more so in fact, and the misery these superstitions and “faiths” inflict in what can only be described rationally as belief in the supernatural, can be marginalized and banished to the crackpot realm where they now fully belong.”

What Was All That About ‘The Human Evasion’ ?

The book ‘The Human Evasion’ is written by a lady called Celia Green and was published in 1969 . It is horribly dated in parts, completely brilliant in others, contains some ideas which will make you scream “No! No! Nooo!” at it in sheer dismay, but contains other ideas which will make your head spin with utter excitement.

It is however sadly out of print and almost impossible to find. So, if the quote at the beginning of all this interests you, I make no apologies to point out that a complete copy is available to read online here :

http://theabsolute.net/minefield/humevas.html#1

Break The M(oney) Down

Cost : 8 pence. Want to read all about Eastenders spin-off band, The Banned ? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Banned_(EastEnders) . Oh, by the way, the lyrics to Break Them Down are here, whilst here is the definition of ‘panare’ which pinpoints the subject matter of this song to southern Venezuela, and here is proof that the nonsense continues…

Current Value : 3 pounds and 96 pence - which carries him like the son of God on a donkey straight into number 9 value-wise. Somebody, it seems, is on his side.

Current Profit : 152 pounds and 55 pence. We are now 49 records in, so we will start the new year with the fiftieth. That box is starting to feel a little lighter, and I have no idea how many are left in it. It is therefore probably worth pointing out that I Am Not The Beatles has a finite shelf life quite literally as long as the number of records in the box. With this in mind, and just in case this is the only chance I get to say it to you : Merry Christmas one and all.

Supporting Cast Update : Costello, Elvis ; Jackson, Joe; Urban Cookie Collective; Dean Letitia; Berry, Nick; Dawkins, Richard; Green, Celia

EDIT : Update now available in ‘Corrections and Clarifications’

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Based around a groove whose existence appears to be entirely designed just so Working Week could waggle their fingers at the TV camera whilst miming to it on Top of The Pops, Too Much Time quite literally drips with a desperate desire to be the sound of your summer.

As anyone who has ever been unemployed knows however, one downside of having ‘too much time’ on your hands is that it can make you slightly bored and unindustrious. That is certainly a situation which has been replicated here as, for all the ‘time’ the singer consistently claims to have far ‘too much’ of, none of it was ever used productively in order to actually get around to writing a second verse. For a song that takes over 4 minutes to complete, this means you can end up feeling all the summer funk and excitement of a hosepipe ban.

If that wasn’t bad enough, in a frankly bizarre attempt to make up for their langurous approach to songwriting, Working Week then present you with a rather rambling culinary based middle 8 which has nothing to do with the rest of the song whatsoever.

“Sometimes when it gets late and I’m feeling hungry,” it states as the band inexplicably present their ingredients to Ainsley Harriott at the beginning of Ready Steady Cook, “I heat up some old stale beans, open up a can of sardines, eat crackers and dream about someone who’ll cook for me.’

It is presumably at this point that dear old Ainsley camply spins around to speak with their designated chef, waiting expectantly to see what ideas he can come up with for such a food fest - only to find him breaking down live on air as he suddenly becomes painfully aware that he is finally, after all these years, utterly defeated.

What Are The First Symptoms Of Having ‘Too Much Time’ ?

Believing people may be interested in some sort of musical version of your late night eating habits, presumably.

I Think I Do Have ‘Too Much Time’… So Tell Me About Hedgehogs.

OK, I will.

With this song the ‘Connected To Swing Out Sister’ category has finally got another member. The reason for this is that before the vocalist on this song (Juliet Roberts) joined the band, they tried out a lady called Corinne Drewery - fresh from Beau Leisure and When In Rome - only for her to pop off almost immediately to form… Swing Out Sister.

This is a brilliant fact, of course, mainly because it means I get an excuse to mention Corinne’s mum’s Hedgehog Hospital in Louth once again :

http://www.hedgehogcare.org.uk/

They didn’t have their own website when we last mentioned them during the days of Dr Calculus - but rather excitingly they now do and you can do such things with it as buy hedgehog fridge magnets and key rings , read fabulous advice on what to do if you find an ill looking hedgehog in your garden, and also look at their wonderful photo gallery.

Are They Still Working, The Week ?

They are because… they have reformed :

http://www.working-week.org/

Not only are they rated very highly by many, but they were also a bit more subversive than you may initally think. Alot of people say their greatest work was a rendition of Victor Jara’s ‘Venceremos’ with Tracey Thorn from Everything But The Girl :

http://tinyurl.com/22ukpu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dln0c0-0GUE

Who is Victor Jara ? A highly respected Chilean theatre director, poet, singer-songwriter and political activist who was arrested and tortured before being machine gunned to death four days later :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Jara

http://www.fundacionvictorjara.cl/

Gosh. Tell Me More About Working Week.

There seems to have been quite a revolving door of vocalists who worked with the two Working Week chaps - Larry Stabbins and Simon Booth - over the years. The singer on this record, Juliet, first signed a record contract at the tender age of 15 and has also collaborated with such people as Miles Davis, Stevie Wonder and Courtney Pine :

http://www.julietroberts.com/

The not remotely porn-named Larry Stabbins is also terribly successful. He has a long standing association with very famous pianist Keith Tippet, took time out to study philosopy at Kings College, London - and recently released his first solo album Monadic :

http://www.efi.group.shef.ac.uk/musician/mstabbins.html

http://www.emanemdisc.com/E4093.html

Meanwhile, it seems Simon Booth formed a band before this one called ‘Weekend’ with Alison Statton from Young Marble Giants, then after Working Week went on to form Afro-Celt Sound System :

http://tinyurl.com/2j5pn3

http://www.afrocelts.org/

So Working Week Are Alot Cleverer Than You Thought ?

They certainly are.

Another example of their cleverness is this song itself, as ‘Too Much Time’ is actually written by a chap called Don Van Vliet, better known as… Captain Beefheart. I know nothing about the highly influential Captain Beefheart at all incidentally - except that I should probably own a copy of Trout Mask Replica but don’t - so this was a bit of a surprise to say the least :

http://www.beefheart.com/

He was recently spotted shopping in Safeway :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_Beefheart

And is now a full time painter :

http://www.artnet.com/artist/17294/don-van-vliet.html

Can I Buy Some Stuff Before Reading The Money Update Please ?

Yes you can.

Why not choose between The Best Of Working Week , The Spotlight Kid / Clear Spot - the Captain Beefheart album this song is from (you can also hear a snippet of his original version of this song there) - or prints of some of Don’s art.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 1 pound and 70 pence. Too Much Time, but not really Too Much Money.

Current Profit : 149 pounds and 67 pence.

Supporting Cast Update : Pine, Courtney ; Statton, Alison; Tippet, Keith; Davis, Miles; Wonder, Stevie ; Hariott, Ainsley; Thorn Tracey; Jara Victor; Van Vliet, Don