I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

“What’s in a name?”

Romeo and Juliet - William Shakespeare

If you’re a little wary at the prospect of dealing with yet another record which doesn’t have a nice picture to look at on the cover then just wait until you hear the bloody thing - as the more this song bounces along to slowly reveal it’s casually noxious update of the Romeo and Juliet story, the more it feels you could well be listening to Black Lace performing a surprisingly perky cover of an old Prussian Blue B side entitled Love Is A Racial Divide That Should Never Be Conquered… But If You Insist On Doing So Please Be Prepared To Die.

On one side of a river stands Running Bear himself, who is native American. You can tell he is native American as he is only able to express himself in simplistic quasi mystical nonsensical terms, such as his love which is as big as the sky.

As metaphors for love go however, this is of course no good whatsoever - as the entire point of such metaphoric mayhem is to compare the desire you feel for your lucky loved one to something either endlessly eternal or immeasurably infinite… and no matter how bloody big the sky may actually be, it does unfortunately have a very definite surface area.

The big thickie.

On the opposite side of the river stands the other main protagonist who is female - and this is made perfectly clear by the fact that, like all good women, she doesn’t get to say anything at all for the entire duration of the piece… although she does hang around silently looking glamorous and emoting quite a bit. Also, almost as if Burnette were drunkenly eyeing her up whilst propping up a bar late at night in his local suburban nightclub, her character is rather condescendingly labelled as a bird.

Most important for our purposes however is the colour of this bird… for the bird… is white.

So what happens when the native American Bear and the White Bird dare enter the strangely metaphorical river in an attempt at a bit of genial interracial groin grabbing ?

Well, in a disappointingly reactionary turn of events, and before they even manage to get a decent snog in, they are both ruthlessly killed and the river turns into… a river of blood.

Which as a summation of Burnette’s personal view on the value of romance between cultures is more than just a little bit depressing, and also slightly sinister.

Why Is That Sinister ? Doesn’t Juliet Die In Romeo and Juliet Too ?

She does, but she ends up committing suicide almost by accident after a Carry On style farcical mix up over phials of poison. Tragic though this turn of events may be it is important to note that her suicide is a direct result of a miscommunication between her and Romeo and that she most definitely isn’t viciously and self righteously drowned alongside her partner in something that is plainly a metaphor for modern society purely because of what her name is and what relationship she chooses be in.

To make matters worse, Burnette even tries to put a stupidly positive spin on this blatant act of racially motivated murder by telling us that -after all that unmentionable terror they both have go through first as they choke their way wide eyed to a despicable and imminent death - they are at least in a really rather patronising happy hunting ground these days.

Which, let’s face it, is a phraseology that heavily suggests he believes they are probably better off there anyway.

Burn The Burnette !

It turns out that this isn’t really all Burnette’s fault after all. Sure, he may have been a tad naive to record it, but crucially he didn’t actually write it. Nope, that was a chap called… The Big Bopper…

Burn the Bopper !

… and you can’t burn him either, as J P Richardson (Mr Bopper’s real name) is already inhabiting his own happy hunting ground in a graveyard in Beaumont, Texas after the plane he was flying in fell out of the strictly limitedly sized sky and killed him - alongside Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the pilot Roger Peterson.

Interestingly however, although he isn’t around his son is - as he was born just 84 days after his father was killed and they thus never met each other. In an effort to prove that this undoubted personal tragedy has in no way affected him or the life decisions he has chosen to make, his son really rather oddly now makes his money by calling himself Big Bopper Jr… and impersonating his own father :

http://www.officialbigbopper.com/video2.htm

Well, I say they have never met each other - but this isn’t strictly 100% true. It is probably much safer to say that they never actually met each other when they were both alive, as in March 2007 the body belonging to Big Bopper Snr was exhumed… and his son took this chance to have a good look at his father’s ever rotting corpse and say hello.

Well, you would wouldn’t you ?

http://tinyurl.com/3md3ul

” His mottled, bluish face was slightly moldy and misshapen - perhaps by globs of mortician’s putty needed to reconstruct his crushed skull - but he was no gelatinous pile of disarticulated bones, as some had expected. His chest had caved inward. His ringless fingers had mummified into curled, dark brown talons. He wore socks, but no shoes. “

Which as a description is, of course, all scarily reminsicent of Geoffrey Moore :

http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?p=81

So Just How Big Is Running Bear’s Love For Little White Dove ?

Errr… well, this isn’t anywhere near as straightforward as I initially thought - but ‘we’ do apparently ‘know two things’, even if I don’t personally know or particularly understand them myself :

” …one is that the circumference of a circle is 360 degrees, and is defined as 2 x pi x radius (pi is a number that equals about 3.1415) and the other is that the surface area of a sphere is 4 x pi x (radius)^2.

If 2 x pi x radius=360 degrees then one radius=360 / (2 x pi)=about 57.3 degrees (57.2958 to be more precise). Simply plug that into the second equation to get 4 x pi x 57.3^2=41253 square degrees. “

[There are therefore] over 40 thousand square degrees in the sky.”

http://www.badastronomy.com/bitesize/bigsky.html

The sky, and therefore Running Bear’s love, the article thus concludes “… is pretty big.”

Which isn’t, I must confess, the kind of totally precise answer I was really after.

Money Update

Cost: 8 pence. Where is Burnette ? I have no idea. I swam the raging river of the internet… and wasn’t exactly drowned with pertinent information… Oh well, want to see why my choice of phrase native American would upset some people ?

http://www.csmonitor.com/2004/0211/p08s03-comv.html

Current Value : 3 let’s patronise the primitives pounds and 56 then killthemkillthemkillthem pence. Incredibly, we are now 74 records in and this frankly over inflated value currently puts Burnette in 13th position in the league table. Yes, it is time to hold your hands up Steps-style to the sides of your head… because this is a fucking tragedy.

Current Profit : 199 pounds and 16 pence. Want to hear the original, sung by Johnny Preston in 1959 ? The Rock ‘n’ Roll groove may be a definite improvement, but the message is still exactly the same… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX-zgSZOjkY

Supporting Cast Update : Holly, Buddy; Valens, Ritchie; Peterson, Roger; Prussian Blue; Steps; Preston, Johnny

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

If the apparent intention of the song you are writing is to try and make people both dance and laugh, then it’s probably worth noting it shouldn’t remind the listener of a plague outbreak which killed 260 people in a small Derbyshire village during the 17th century – as this can really rather ruin the jovial atmosphere.

As Boys Don’t Cry have ignored this simple rule, however, we must instead concentrate on the main similarities of the two situations - and these are that firstly neither dying of the plague nor listening to this record are particularly pleasant experiences for anyone involved, and secondly that the Derbyshire village in question and this song have annoyed me intensely with their stupid nonsensical lyrics.

Who The Am Dam Do You Think Eyam

The plague was pretty much entirely confined to cities in the south of England in 1661 so, when it arrived in the small village of Eyam, it found the villagers suddenly twitching around the place like multiple Mick Jaggers grimacing their way through an ill-fated Jacksons comeback tour. ie In a State Of Shock.

It arrived there randomly via an imported piece of cloth riddled with plague ridden fleas – and, when it became obvious the village was now infected, the residents all faced the not exactly pleasant choice of either ambitiously attempting a Slade… or resigning themselves to a Shakespear’s Sister.

Unfortunately trying to Run Run Away from the situation wasn’t really much of an option, as not only would the plague then inevitably spread all over the entire north of England and Scotland thus making the villagers entirely responsible for the deaths of innumerable unnamed others – there were also apparently no firm mechanisms in place which would guarantee any of the participants actually see seeing any chameleons lying there in the sun and this, argued the highly influential vicar of the parish, surely rendered the entire enterprise utterly pointless.

This carefully thought out pop-rock music rationale thus persuaded every single one of the villagers to (ahem) Stay, making the momentous decision to cut themselves off from the outside world until the last one of them most definitely dropped dead.

The plague then did it’s worst, totally ravaging the newly introverted village and decimating desperate families. In one particularly cruel 48 hour period, 6 members of a 7 person household were all killed one by painful one – leaving just the wife and mother to personally dig grave after wretched grave in a field at the opposite end of the village, drag each dead loved one there in turn, and bury body after tear soaked body all on her own.

18 long months later and 260 people lighter – after the plague itself had slowly died its own perfectly natural death – the few remaining villagers emerged blinking into the surrounding countryside having saved the lives of thousands of people they would never meet, none of whom would ever know the details of the heroism that had saved them… or even perhaps that they had ever been saved at all.

You’d Better Pass Me That Paper Bag… Quick

Despite this harrowing tale of the ultimate self sacrifice for the greater good, however, Eyam makes a really shit tourist destination.

After all, everything you actually need to know about Eyam I have just already told you so, as you walk around the village peering in a slightly embarrassed fashion at the very much alive families currently living in houses where people once horribly died - all with dreadfully heavy handed names like Plague Cottages and Someone Also Died Here Villas – the visitor can feel rather like some sort of Plague Porn Voyeur.

Indeed, as you mix with the current residents who eye you suspiciously as they go about their day to day lives, you start wondering if they are half expecting you to pop to the public toilets for a quick plague related wank – and then, worse still, when you do furtively utilise the conveniences later in the day for a perfectly legitimate poo break before the long journey home – find yourself pondering further if this is also the reason why they have put no locks on any of the cubicle doors.

In fact, wandering around the village can make you feel like you are participating in a peculiarly grisly remix of The Court Of King Caractacus - as you go to see the gravestones … of the people… from the houses… from the village… who all perished of the plague… before eventually noting that you have certainly got there too late as they have all most definitely already passed by.

If all this were not enough, you are then asked to visit the Eyam Plague Museum where you are forced to relive the entire – totally worthy and breathtakingly brave – yet by now reallyrathergettingonyourfuckingnerves story….all.. over…again… only this time with the help of some tastefully lit mannequins arranged in various badly recreated scenes of near death.

And it was here, as I attempted to negotiate these exhibits at a speed I hoped passed for reverent, where my thoughts eventually turned to Boys Don’t Cry.

Stick It Up Your Back, Say What ?

Looking out of the window, I noticed the village school just down the road which had the following famous phrase very ornately and very expensively carved into it’s gates :

Ring a-ring o’ roses,
A pocketful of posies.
a-tishoo! a-tishoo!
We all fall down

which certainly seemed like a curiously brave inscription to pay shitloads of money for, as there is absolutely no evidence that this verse has absolutely anything to do with the plague whatsoever.

Indeed, an increasing number of people who know such things now believe that this rhyme is in fact a nonsense poem created in the 1850’s which has simply had meaning grafted onto it by unsuspecting generations.

And you get the feeling that this meaning plastered over nonsense was precisely what Boys Don’t Cry were also trying to recreate with this song, with it’s ever tedious references to spin dryers and thinking you’re bloody every self – although unfortunately for them they mistakenly believed they were coming across sounding like Talking Heads, when the reality was actually Black Lace.

What The Am Dam Does Who The Am Dam Do You Think You Am Think It Am ?

Wacky.

In fact, so incredibly wacky is this record by Boy’s Don’t Cry it even has a b-side called… The Cure.

Which, I am sure you agree, is absolutely totally fucking hilarious.

Who The Am Dam Do The Band Who Sang Who The Am Dam Do You Think You Am Think They Am ?

Underrated.

Everywhere you look you get the distinct impression they feel they should have much bigger than they actually were – and this is despite the fact that they were bigger than pretty much everybody else on here, as their song I Wanna Be A Cowboy charted highly in the US in 1985 and was even quoted by Madonna as being her favourite song of the year. Want to see the video on Brian’s (the keyboard player) website ?

http://www.brianchatton.com/movie.html

Want to watch the follow up ? It’s called Cities On Fire and it will make you giggle… alot :

http://www.brianchatton.com/movie-1.html

Want to know everything else ?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boys_Don’t_Cry_(band)

Iyam Intyrested In Eyam

Then you could do a lot worse than reading all about the - truly fascinating - story here :

http://www.cressbrook.co.uk/towns/eyam.php

And look at those mannequins here :

http://www.cressbrook.co.uk/eyam/museum/

Although I’ll be buggered if I’m going to click on those and relive the entire bloody experience.

Oh, last but definitely not least, if all that stuff about nursery rhymes interested you then a good place to start is listening to this :

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4933345

And then reading this :

http://www.rhymes.org.uk/

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current value : It is one of those moments when you know it’s worth something – but no one is selling anything… which leads to the ever disappointing… minus 8 pence. Oh well, want to hear The Court Of King Caractacus ? If you haven’t heard it for ages, or even at all, then I warn you now it is insanely stupidly brilliant :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-Lw1bDdwgs

Current Profit : 189 pounds and 20 pence. That 200 pounds is suddenly looking really rather far away…

Supporting Cast Update : Jacksons, The ; Slade ; Shakespear’s Sister ; Harris, Rolf ; Talking Heads ; Black Lace ; Madonna

Incidentally, I am a little bit behind on all that supporting cast silliness, but if you’ve never read it then it’s still worth a look – just click on the link immediately above. If nothing else, you get to see what Hazell Dean is up to these days which can only be A Good Thing.

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

What a dreadfully depressing self-referential record. It is the song that keeps on taking - and never gives anything back.

“Look at me!” shouts the cover, “I am Nils Lofgren! I can do backflips whilst playing my guitar ! “

“No No No! Listen to meee !” screams the song, “I am a song that pretends to be about something else, but really my subject matter is actually about the fact that Nils Lofgren can do backflips whilst playing his guitar! Sometimes he even performs this song which is about him being able to do backflips whilst playing his guitar whilst, at the same time, actually doing backflips whilst playing his guitar! “

It is not, may I suggest, the most expansive of themes.

” So what? ” you may wish to reply, “I have got a double-jointed elbow in my right arm which means I can reach around the back of my head and still pick my right nostril with my little finger. I may bore people with this fact when I’m a little bit drunk in the pub, but importantly I never mention it when I’m sober - and I would certainly never write a bloody song about it. You big show off.”

So this isn’t just a car crash of a song, it is a multiple pile-up on the M4 of a song. It is a Volvo that has been driving too fast on purpose, safe in the knowledge that when it reaches 85 miles per hour the shitty caravan it is towing will indeed ‘Flip Ya Flip’ over all the lanes of the motorway beside it - killing all and sundry who just happen to be around at the time.

Still, at least all the other cars will notice it, slow down later and have a good look at the carnage when they pass by. And that’s got to be worth something these days, hasn’t it ?

Where Is Flipping Nils ?

Now, I am not a big fan of Bruce Springsteen otherwise I would have undoubtedly known that our Nils is a member of his ‘E Street Band’. From my personal experience of Bruce Springsteen fans, I could also probably name every single bloody song that he played on - in order.

As it is though, Nils lives here :

http://www.nilslofgren.com/

He joined Neil Young’s band when he was 17 (1968) and played and sung on his acclaimed album ‘After The Goldrush”. Though impressive, I can’t really comment on this as it is an album I have never heard. It is one of those that I keep meaning to get round to buying, but God it looks dull - and I have therefore always kept a safe distance.

Here is Nils’ discography, which rather strangely forgets about this single, and is also full of lots of other records and I never ever want to hear :

http://www.nilslofgren.com/Music07.html

Actually that’s a bit of a lie, there is one : I am quite interested in hearing ‘Last Man Standing’ by Jerry Lee Lewis.

Finally for all you Nils lovers, here are some photos of his last tour in the UK in 2001 :

http://www.shinesilently.com/uk_tour_2001.htm

Mysteriously, he didn’t play this song.

Does Nils Really Do Backflips Whilst Playing His Guitar On Stage ?

Yes he does. But I have just discovered he can only do it with the help of a trampoline.

The big girl.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Well, it is a shame that I don’t own a record with this exact same title recorded by a chap called ‘Nils Lofgreen’ - because somebody wants 47 pounds for that one. Lofgren’s version though is worth a measley 1 pound 83 pence.

Current Profit : 114 pounds and 65 pence. Slow going, isn’t it ?

Supporting Cast Update : Young, Neil - Lewis, Jerry Lee - Springsteen, Bruce

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

This man has either the widest shoulders in the world – or the tiniest waist.

He certainly has cheekbones that could cut diamonds, and an evil stare that seems to be designed purely to put the shits up Superman. We must presume that his body has been taken over by demons to create that most terrifying of things : Evil Hernandez.

Musically it’s quite an evil beast too - the worst kind of summer holiday soft reggae. It is one of those records that tries really really hard to be a success with its seemingly inoffensive bounciness, then makes the mistake of just trying too damn hard. All those funny noises and orchestra hits designed to create excitement… can grate. If this song was a contestant on a TV talent show, it would be one of those endlessly sobbing ones who, when asked why the audience at home should pick up the phone and vote for them, inevitably answer:

“Because I want it sooo much…” - as if that is any real answer to the question.

Evil Hernandez has also made this record just a few beats per minute slower than it really should be. This slightly slower pace guarantees that if you try dancing to this record, you’ll end up just aimlessly bobbing around the dancefloor like a 6 year old child stuck in a pedalo at Butlins. I am sure Evil Hernandez laughed his spotty shirt off at the prospect .

Then there is the lyrical darkness. Yes, you lucky bugger, Evil Hernandez will indeed give you all of his love - but there are certain preconditions…

They are :

a) When the world around you has fallen

b) When the one you loved has gone

c) When sorrow’s taken your tomorrow, and

d) When the sun shines on you no more

In other words he will only attempt such a manouvere when you are at your most emotionally vulnerable and more likely to put out.

This shows a complete lack of confidence on Evil Hernandez’s part. Why is he so fearful that he may be rejected in a non-Hernandez-manipulated situation? What is it that makes him so unsure of himself? We all know that evil masterminds have emotional and/or physical characteristics that drives them on to create more and more evil - and that it is this characteristic that somehow makes them feel removed from society. Makes them feel different.

It is here we take another look at the front cover, and notice that Evil Hernandez’s characteristic is very much physical : he has no arms.

Still, at least he’s not Nazz Nasko.

Where Is Hernandez ?

There are many…

There is a chap who hilariously calls himself ‘Hotstuff Hernandez’

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shawn_Hernandez

but, thanks to a truly dreadful goatee / headscarf combination, is anything but ‘Hotstuff’.

This is not him.

There is also a singer called Marcos Hernandez

http://www.marcosonline.com/

If you click on ‘music’ at the above link, you can hear his songs and read his totally fascinating explanation concerning his song ‘ C About Me ‘. It is, apparently ‘a pick up line he uses when asking girls to come check him out’. So, go check him out. Girls.

This, unfortunately, is not him either.

Finally, why not take a peek at Horacio ‘El Negro’ Hernandez

http://www.elnegro.com/

who is ‘one of the most talented drummers in the world today’. It is a shame then that he has decided to show the world his truly undoubted talents by playing with… Stevie Winwood.

In other words we do not know, and will never know if Mr Nice Hernandez ever escaped the Evil One’s grip.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Well, after all the excitement that Prayin’ with Harold Melvin created, I don’t expect much. And…. I am right. A paltry 1 pound and 53 pence.

Current Profit : 60 pounds and three pence. It broke us through the sixty barrier, but at what cost to Mr Nice Hernandez’s soul?

EDIT: Hernandez Found! See ‘Corrections and Clarifications’

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

‘Remix by Froggy’ is a bold, hopeful statement to emblazon across your front cover - as if this simple fact may have any effect upon your sales performance.

Picture the scene :

The Year : 1986

The Setting : Your local record shop

Teenager 1 ( Sauntering in ) : “Hey, this is weird, look at this.”

Teenager 2 (Wearing a Meat is Murder T-shirt ) : ” What ?”

Teenager 1 : ” They’ve got the new Nazz Nasko single, ‘No More’. ”

Teenager 2 : ” When did you start giving a shit about Nazz Nasko? He is fucking bollocks, man. I bet he’s never heard heffers whine.”

Teenager 1 : “Yeah I know.. but… well… I quite like the look of this. ”

Teenager 2 ; “Are you serious ? I am telling you, you Spaz, you’ve got no fucking taste. ‘No More?” No More… Nazz, more like.’ ( giggles )

Teenager 1 : (Firmly) : “Yeah, well… normally I would agree with you. But this actually looks really interesting.”

Teenager 2 : “Nazz? Interesting? Since when has bland Euro-styled reggae delivered by a man you wouldn’t trust with your children been remotely interesting, you dipshit? He always seems to be just standing around on pretend Georgian steps, looking like someone who’s hidden a small child in his pockets and is looking for a clean getaway.”

Teenager 1 : “Well…. that hasn’t changed, to be honest.”

Teenager 2: ” So what has ?”

Teenager 1 : “Listen. This is Nazz Nasko…”

Teenager 2 : “Yessss…?”

Teenager 1: “But… it’s remixed by Froggy…”

Pause

Teenager 2 : “Remixed by Froggy? You’re shitting me.”

Teenager 1 : “No. That’s what it says : Remix by Froggy.”

Teenager 2 : ” The Froggy ?”

Teenager 1 : “Well of course it’s the fucking Froggy you idiot - they wouldn’t say so otherwise.”

Teenager 2 : ” That is fucking awesome.”

Pause

Teenager 1 : “Hey, where are you going ?”

Teenager 2 : “I’m off to borrow 1.49 off me mum. That record is a fucking must have.”

Teenager 1 (To record shop owner) : “Nice sleeve too, isn’t it ? I love dayglo pink.”

Nazzty or Nice ?

It’s not natural, normal or kind - and more than just a tad tedious. It does try to raise a smile by having one of those bass noises that sounds like a man farting through an elastic band, but it’s not really enough.

Incidentally, if you get as far as 2 minutes and 30 seconds into it, there are gaps in the music that are so annoying they should have that London Underground announcement five seconds before each one to prepare you for what is about to occur.

Without this, they really really make you want to punch people.

If you don’t think you can make it that far, why not pass the time in awe of the incredibly clever self referential subliminal musical reference inserted by, presumably, Froggy himself ?

ie You can sing The King Of Rock ‘n Roll by Prefab Sprout over the chorus.

No. Really. Wait until the chorus then sing :

“Hot dog

Jumping frog

Alburqurque”

Jumping…frog.

DO YOU SEE ?

Genius.

Where Did Your Nazz Go ?

It is a familiar tale my good friends : I don’t know - and, yes, I did check the child protection websites.

The only reference I can find to our Nazz is on an obscure Austrian music website which, when put through a translation program reads :

” The native bulgarian came 1983 to Vienna and were able to land few time later small hit. Nachfolgesingels were able to establish itself however none.”

This hasn’t helped.

Has Froggy Spawned Many Imitators ?

Well… oddly, the answer maybe ‘Yes’. There are hundreds of DJ Froggys to choose from, the internet is quite literally jumping with them.

Could this be our DJ Froggy?

http://www.soulpranos.co.uk/djfroggy.html

Well, he refers to himself as ‘Funk Mafia DJ Froggy’ which is slightly worrying…

Oooh look! There is a whole list of DJ Froggy’s here :

http://www.froggy101.com/pages/325253.php

Oh, no, hang on. That’s a radio station called Froggy. Shame. I liked the look of them.

Hmmm. Well this one might be right. This chap claims to have worked with a DJ Froggy around the right time :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simon_Harris

We can’t be entirely sure though. It makes no mention of working on Nazz’s single.

And that isn’t the kind of thing you would want to forget.

Is it ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Well, I can tell you now, there are alot of copies about. This is because it was actually a number 15 hit in Austria. However, and this will shock you, so prepare yourself : every single copy I can find is remixed by Froggy. This brings up the very real possibility that the Froggy ‘Remix’ is not a remix at at all - but the only mix. Feel cheated ? Mislead ? I bloody do. Anyway, the value : Incredibly this is actually the second most valuable single so far : 3 pounds and 38 pence. This makes me feel a little better, if slightly dirty.

Current Profit : 27 pounds and 25 pence

EDIT : Extra Information in ‘Corrections and Clarifications’. Don’t get too excited though, we still haven’t found him.