I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

The lead singer of Hothouse Flowers would like it be made known that he is sorry sorry sorry baby.

In fact, in a move that is going to startle Lenny D and Tommy Musto, he is very specifically sorry a somewhat incredible 28 times… plus one apology - as he manages to get down on his knees and do the latter in the brief moments of what passes for a middle eight.

Seeing as this song is a full 40 seconds shorter than Lenny and Tommy’s panda dance spectacular, this final grand total of 29 expressions of regret can only lead us to the really rather shocking conclusion that the lead singer of Hothouse Flowers is actually more sorry than everything is, in fact, bamboo.

Anything Specific He’s Apologising For ?

Standing on your face.

That Did Really Fucking Hurt To Be Fair, So I Am Glad He Said Sorry For That. Anything Else ?

In no particular order he is sorry that he has told you lies, pushed you around, claimed he couldn’t telephone you when it turns out he actually could, made you cry in many different geographical locations, and that he didn’t know the following :

a) When he hurt you

b) When you cried

c) When you screamed (which was, presumably, in the moments following that ill-fated face standing incident)

d) When you stopped crying after you had commenced it in b)

e) When you called, and finally

f) When you hurt - which of course makes perfect logical sense when you consider point a)

Indeed, apparently he didn’t even know that he should know any of these things and, although this endless cycle of abuse just sounds like a perfectly normal day in my house, I do understand that in many social circles the lead singer of Hothouse Flowers would, in short, be regarded as a bit of a bastard.

Should I Forgive Him ?

That really rather depends upon whether you’re his mother or not.

Errr… No I’m Not…

In that case then I am afraid this has all been a massive misunderstanding, as he quite clearly states towards the end of the song that this is a record apologising to his sweet mama… and absolutely nobody else.

So if, as you claim, you are not the leader singer of Hothouse Flowers’ mum then this record isn’t actually directed at you, and whether you choose to forgive him or not for your own personal face stomping experience is therefore completely immaterial.

Hang On A Minute. Does This Mean He Has Actually Stood On His Mother’s Face As Well ?

It appears so, yes.

And he’s really very sorry about it all.

I Don’t Care How Bloody Sorry He Is, When He Stood On My Face I Thought It Was A Careless One-Off ‘Mistake’ - But His Own Mother ? That Is No ‘Mistake’ It Tell You… That Is A Pattern.

It’s not a particularly pleasant story, is it ?

The man is obviously totally bonkers, and it is certainly possible we should have really picked up on this at an earlier stage in the proceedings… as in the spoken word intro he even laughs in a rather sinister fashion at his own really really crap joke.

He’s Always Done That. It’s Dreadfully Irritating.

Irritating or not it is, it appears, one of the very few things he isn’t prepared to actually apologise for.

Anything Else Interesting To Add ?

Errr… No.

Sorry.

What Is Hothouse Flowers ?

Surprisingly that question makes sense - as Hothouse Flowers is the name of a book published in 2006 with the shittest plot in the universe.

Yes, using dandelions as its central characters and rather disturbingly aimed squarely at children, the book’s writer claims it to be an allegorical tale warning against the horrors of immigration - and, if the word ‘allegorical’ has had its meaning expanded in recent years so it now also takes in the monolithic mountains of ‘undoubtedly crap’ as well as the sweeping vistas of ‘knob twistingly intolerant’, then his description is probably a fair one :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hot_House_Flowers

What Else Is Hothouse Flowers ?

It is the name of an American report subtitled ‘The Vices and Virtues of Climate Federalism’ which essentially argues that because the US government is so stupidly slow to take a lead on dealing with climate change within it’s own borders, it really shouldn’t complain that states who have already passed their own legislation are then resistant to further central government interference.

Take a look. It is one of those papers that you can’t quite believe anybody ever got around to writing :

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1096571

Anything Else ?

Yes, it is a 1984 album by Wynton Marsalis :

http://www.wyntonmarsalis.org/discography/jazz/hot-house-flowers

which is, incidentally, where our Hothouse Flowers got their name from… and they are still going - after splitting and reforming a few times - in a slightly modified form, here :

http://www.hothouseflowers.com

I’m Sorry is taken from their first album People and was the follow up to their first, and biggest, hit to date Don’t Go. Here are the two songs back to back :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBIKSOlje7Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOhrBhAUFLs

Why Wasn’t I’m Sorry A Hit… But Don’t Go Was ?

Don’t Go is a song about begging somebody not to go and not to leave me now now now - and in our darker, more needy, and possibly more drunk moments we have all done that, haven’t we ?

Whether we care to admit it or not, we have all collapsed in naked pointless humiliating tears in front of the one we love imploring them not to leave, and reassuring them we will change - what’s more we do this safe in the knowledge that the way we are currently acting is actually making it more likely they will, ultimately, get the fuck out of our lives very quickly indeed.

In direct contrast, however, the market for songs about standing on your own mother’s face is somewhat niche to say the least - and I fear this may well have been a contributing factor.

Do You Have Any Desperate Attempts To Connect This With Another Record To End With ?

Yes I do.

According to Wikipedia Hothouse Flowers spent a - surely pointless - one whole day in a recording session with Daniel Lanois. Now, those of you with very long I Am Not The Beatles memories will no doubt recall that poor old Luba has also worked with the tremendously loaded bubblebath fanatic with very disturbing consequences :

http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?p=80

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : One person is charging a stonking 50 quid for this because of it’s limited edition gatefold sleeve (don’t forget to pop off and have a look at it, by the way). The more realistic however are charging… wow… a very decent 5 pounds 60 pence - all of which means Hothouse Flowers have absolutely nothing to apologise for at all.

Current Profit : 186 pounds and 49 pence. I am, in essence, Feeling Good.

Supporting Cast Update : Marsalis, Wynton

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

True love is so hard to find is a statement which is impossible to disagree with. However, no matter how hard to find love may actually be, it seems it will never be as hard to find as

a) a record sleeve for Hard To Find - because I can’t find the bloody thing anywhere - or

b) a middle 8 for Hard To Find - because Johnny can’t find one of those either.

Indeed, if you were asked in a court of law to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that love is indeed so hard to find, and the only two pieces of evidence you were allowed to submit were the two pieces as provided by Southside Johnny in his song of the same name, it is very likely you would be laughed out of court - as it isn’t exactly, shall we say, watertight.

Johnny’s Evidence (Pt I)

The song starts with a frankly bizarre reimagining of the Christmas story, making the rather blasphemous and sweeping pronouncement that Jesus Christ’s mother wasn’t actually a virgin at all - and Jesus’ birth was in fact just the result of a slightly crap shag on a beach.

Whether Johnny’s suggestion of a lack of virginhood on Mary’s part is misguided or not however, one thing is certain : he is recounting a story of someone giving birth to Jesus Christ, who was theoretically A Physical Manifestation of God’s Love Itself, and it must therefore follow that Mary actually found love very easy to find - as it quite literally fell out of her vagina.

Still, it is at least a relief to note that not all crap shags result in bona fide Sons Of God being born nine months later - as if this were the case there’d be bloody loads of Jesus’ running around healing people and getting crucified all the place… with most of them, unfortunately, related to me.

Johnny’s Evidence (Pt II)

Johnny next decides to describe the act of somebody getting shot in the head and their subsequent agonising death whilst they bleed all over their wife in the back of a car from freshly made holes in their forehead, rather unsympathetically, as running into some bad Texas weather.

Now, if bad Texas weather really is a fair description of John F Kennedy having his head blown off next to his wife, we must surely ponder what would constitute really bad Texas weather for poor old JFK - having his legs forcibly sawn off first ?

We mustn’t dwell on this however, as the real point is that John and Jackie Kennedy famously met… and then married within a year or so - thus both finding love ludicrously simple to find. Indeed, even after her President husband was rather unfortunately murdered on the car seat next to her, Jackie still got married again a few years later to a multi-millionaire shipping magnate - and this does perhaps suggest that she managed to find some sort of love again reasonably quickly.

In Summation

In other words then, Johnny’s so-called ‘evidence’ is anything but - as all it proves is the opposite of what he set out to achieve ie Love can flourish pretty much anywhere.

Although this is a lovely thought, Southside Johnny sadly appears oblivious to it and goes on to claim that if you do insist carrying on searching and doing a bit of a Hazell Dean, it is possible for the search to actually break your back and make you lose your mind.

If this is the case then I can only conclude that Johnny has been looking for love a little harder than I have - as the worst thing my personal endless search for love has ever given me is a slight hangover and a vague air of regret.

What’s The Best Bit ?

It’s quite hard to find, but if you make it to 2 minutes and 24 seconds there is an absolutely brilliant harmonica solo which sounds almost precisely like Dusk-era The The.

It only lasts 14 seconds though, so make the most of it.

Where Is Johnny Now ? Is He Hard To Find ?

No, just like a pissed snog in a nightclub he is actually very easy to find and what’s more, thanks to Google, I neither had to break my back nor lose my mind in order to find him - which was certainly a bonus :

http://www.southsidejohnny.com/

He apparently hails from New Jersey, just like Bruce Springsteen does.

He is also known for recording Stax influenced R&B with a chap called Steven Van Zandt, just like Bruce Springsteen is.

Unfortunately however, he came straight outta New Jersey mere milliseconds after Bruce did, is generally - unfairly or not - seen as all a bit secondhand, and is therefore not a millionaire world wide superstar… whilst Bruce Springsteen most absolutely definitely is :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southside_Johnny

His signature song is apparently called I Don’t Want To Go Home. Do you want to see him perform it with… errr… Bruce Springsteen ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXB_0wvLUm8

Incidentally, if you live on the east coast of America or - for reasons I don’t entirely understand - in Norway then he is currently on tour somewhere near you very soon :

http://www.southsidejohnny.com/tourdates/index.htm

Meanwhile, if you live in the UK you can go and see him in… errr… Frome :

http://tinyurl.com/2tjtfy

Yes, in October he is playing at a venue called The Cheese and Grain which - apart from the having the slight disadvantage of actually being in Frome - also has The Worst Website In The World :

http://www.cheeseandgrain.co.uk/

Does Johnny Really Describe Jesus’ Dad’s Orgasm As a Light That Comes Shining From The East ?

Yes he does - and that without a doubt is the silliest sexual metaphor we have, ahem, come across since Sonya Grier expressed a preference for leaving the runway.

Still, if Johnny performs this song at The Cheese and Grain and gesticulates to the east whilst he sings that line, it is interesting to note he will be pointing almost directly towards a place just outside of Frome called Chapmanslade which - if he was a plasterer - would be an extremely good place to move to :

http://bristol.gumtree.com/services/plasterers_Chapmanslade

How Bad Does The Weather Actually Get In Texas ?

Pretty bad.

They get storms so severe, they actually have an entire association to celebrate them :

http://www.tessa.org/

I’d still rather try to survive one of those than get shot in the head though.

Anything Really Scary To Finish With ?

Yes.

This record is obviously connected to Nils Lofgren - as they both have Bruce Springsteen connections.

What freaked me out however is that this song mentions not just the The Kennedys but also refers to Jesus Christ - just like Win did a mere eight days ago.

Weird… or what ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence. Can’t understand a word of this song so have no idea what I’m going on about? You wouldn’t be the first, so read them here.

Current Value : It’s not really Johnny’s fault because if I hadn’t lost the sleeve through negligence, which incidentally looks like this , it would be worth in the region of six quid… and that would have been very exciting indeed. As Johnny will undoubtedly discover when he has a quick walk around Frome, however, it is a harsh world… and without that sleeve - yes, you’ve guessed it - minus eight pence.

Current Profit : 178 pounds and 49 pence. Stranded in the 170’s. I am not impressed. At all.

Supporting Cast Update : Christ, Jesus (again) ; Springsteen, Bruce (again) ; God (again) ; Mary ; Kennedy, John F ; Kennedy, Jackie ; Van Zandt, Steven ; Dean, Hazell

 

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Bill Medley’s voice is very low.

Bill’s Medley’s voice is very very low.

In fact, Bill Medley’s distant thunderoll of a voice is so disturbingly unnaturally low that if - like me - you prefer to play your music with a bit too much bass on your stereo, you will very quickly discover this voice can have the rather unnerving physiological side effect of quite literally rumbling the shit out of you.

If this has just happened to you then I would heartily recommend doing what I just did. ie Pop upstairs for a quick shower and a very sensible change of underpants, before returning with a rather nice glass of Harvey’s Bristol Cream in your hand to steady your nerves - along with the bottle’s cork strategically placed up your freshly vaselined bottom to prevent any further accidents. You’re going to need that cork believe me, because what happens next is bizarre…

Right, first we have to do an initial nervous re-wading through those opening buttock shaking lines again whilst Bill drones on about the fact that, yes, roads can indeed be quite long and - what’s more - some of them even have bends in… but if you make it safely past these slightly bland highway related pronouncements, Bill finally tells you his two incredible secrets… which are :

a) On the rare occasions he has both the desire and the access, he quite likes to carry Sylvester Stallone around his back garden by piggyback - and importantly, doesn’t really find it too much of a strain. This is, Bill modestly suggests, nothing to do with his own personal fitness levels but because of the fact that Sylvester is actually alot lighter than those glistening rippling muscles undoubtedly make you presuppose.

b) The reason why Bill is allowed in Sylvester’s back garden in the first place to carry out such a Stallone Carrying Mission is because this aforementioned star of Rambo III is in fact… a close blood relative of his.

What A Winding Turn !

Indeed.

But I suppose if point b) is factually correct it does at least make sense, as all the relevant Stallone Styled nepotism would explain how He Ain’t Heavy ever managed to make it onto the soundtrack of a Hollywood film in the first place, because - let’s face it - without it this huffing, puffing thigh strain of a song would still be lying in agony on the floor of the recording studio begging to be smothered to death with Deep Heat.

As it is though, so much does Bill strain his way through the torturous 4 and half minutes rather overgenerously allocated to him by Giorgio Moroder, it sounds like his vocal was in all probability recorded whilst that Sylvester Stallone piggyback was actually in progress. This is, we must assume, some strange sort of Post Modern High Art Method Singing Experiment which Bill, frankly, fails.

Song Any Good ?

It is unfortunately far too long and doesn’t really have enough of those musical winding turns. As a consequence, it’s welfare shouldn’t really be of your concern.

In fact, it is such hard work that when Bill sings “So on we go…” mere moments in it is certainly possible your initial reaction may well be a rather jaded ‘Must we?’ , and when he reaches ‘We’ll get there..’ it is more than likely that you won’t be too prone to entirely believing this to be the case.

But, get there you eventually do and - if you have the stomach for it - in the outro your reward is Bill repeatedly screaming “He ain’t heavy” and “He’s my brother…” as if he is rather belatedly trying to convince the jury of these so-called ‘facts’ whilst simultaneously being hauled off to the cells having just been convicted for lying about something so unbelievably stupid.

So How Heavy Is Sylvester Stallone ?

He is a very well oiled 228lbs… which converts to just under 16 and 1/2 stone - which is not heavy as such, but also not particularly light.

Still, this does mean that if there is one thing I have learnt today, it is that I probably weigh the same as one of Sylvester Stallone’s legs.

Is Bill Medley Really His Brother ?

No he’s not, the big fibber… but you can see why Bill thought he could probably get away with the deception as Sylvester’s Brother, Frank, is also - allegedly - a musician.

Additionally, although no nepotism was involved in getting Bill’s song into the soundtrack of Rambo III, the same cannot be said of the previous film in the Rambo series very logically called… Rambo II.

Why ?

Because that soundtrack contains a song somewhat punningly entitled Peace Of Our Life, performed and written by….. Frank Stallone.

It turns out that Our Frank has sung many songs on many soundtracks. These include films such as Rocky, starring Sylvester Stallone, and also Paradise Alley, starring Sylvester Stallone. Interestingly, he also actually got an acting role in a film released in 2006 called Rocky Balboa which starred somebody called… errr… Sylvester Stallone.

Apart from that, Frank released an album a couple of years ago called Stallone On Stallone - By Request, which was a collection of his theoretical greatest hits all culled from the soundtracks to his brother’s biggest films.

Do pop off and say hello… be prepared to be shocked though - he looks exactly like Sylvester Stallone would look if you left his face on a radiator for too long :

http://www.frankstallone.com

By the way, all this soundtrack madness means that Bill Medley’s record is also strangely connected to Jean Beauvoir’s - as both him and Jean also appear on the soundtrack to yet another film, called Cobra, starring… you’ve guessed it … Sylvester Stallone.

And who else managed to get a song onto that soundtrack ?

Yep : Frank.

Shut Up About Frank, Tell Me More About Bill…

Bill Medley was, of course, one half of The Righteous Brothers who recorded one of those songs that it sometimes feels is impossible to discover whether or not it’s any good anymore, because you get sick to death of hearing it so bloody much - You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’.

If you have recently lost that lovin’ feelin’ for You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ just like I had, then this should help you :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVrDQQIiweE

Infinitely better than you remember it, isn’t it ?

Sadly, however, Bobby Hatfield - ie the other chap whose vocals were far too loud in the mix at that previous link - has since lost not just his lovin’ feelin’ but absolutely all feelin’, as he died in 2003 :

http://www.spectropop.com/remembers/BHobit.htm

Has Bill Ever Sung A Medley ?

I can find no definitive proof that he has but it certainly seems very likely, as he currently spends most of his time performing at Dick Clark’s American Bandstand Theatre in Branson, Missouri - and it definitely looks like the kind of place where a Medley medley would go down a storm :

http://www.dickclarksabbranson.com/BillMedley.cfm

To show that he won’t be outdone by Sylvester Stallone when it comes to showbiz nepotism, Bill’s daughter Mckenna Medley also has a regular spot there - as well as in Las Vegas :

http://www.lvol.com/bios/e164.html

Want to see Mckenna perform at Dick’s ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYzCuXi0xhE

Sorry, Did You Say This Was Produced By Giorgio Bloody Moroder ?

I did, but it’s no Together In Electric Dreams is it ?

The production isn’t helped by Giorgio indulging in yet another High Art Experiment by apparently constructing the world’s biggest snare drum - roughly the size of an Olympic Swimming Pool - putting it in an echoey warehouse, filling the drum with water, then getting Sylvester Stallone to use a dolphin as a drumstick.

As I am sure Giorgio would be the first to admit, this doesn’t exactly produce the subtlest of sounds to power along your ballad of choice… but then this should come as no real surprise, as the other really rather odd thing Giorgio designed around the same time - the Cizeta Moroder - wasn’t exactly very subtle either.

What the fuck is a Cizeta Moroder ?

It is Giorgio’s car :

http://www.moroder.net/cizeta/m_cizeta.html

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Fucking hell. The cheapest 12″ version I can find of this record is 50 fucking quid. That must be one fuck of a remix Giorgio. The 7″ though ? Errr…. 1 pound and 68 pennies.

Current Profit : 174 pounds and 65 pence. Find exactly why Giorgio is the king of that most maligned of genres, Hi-NRG, here - learn more about this song, here - and find out why Satan’s time is short, here.

Supporting Cast Update : Stallone, Sylvester; Moroder, Giorgio

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Jean Beauvoir has a rather unusual party trick.

When he stands in front of a 100 watt lightbulb, has precisely the right amount of his mum’s talcum powder blown into his face by an industrial strength snow machine, and thrusts his head back as far as it can go thus exposing his voluptuous adam’s apple - the resulting neck shadow on his bedroom wall looks just like the carving of Abraham Lincoln in Mount Rushmore on a scorchingly hot misty morning.

It is a desperate shame the photographer didn’t get quite the right angle, because it really is dreadfully impressive.

What Exactly Is This Heat Jean is Feeling ?

The heat of time passing and the feeling of his own imminent death.

That Sounds A Bit Depressing. Are You Sure ?

Oh yes.

You see, Jean has been dangling his dangly bits in places where they really shouldn’t have been dangled and is feeling slightly bad about the whole scenario. Poor old Jean knows he’s been doing wrong and he wants to stop, but that ever dastardly time has been turning though his mind and he is starting to feel the heat of his own mortality and resulting predictable lonely death.

After a few throaty minutes considering his options however, he eventually decides to have another quick dangle anyway. After all, you only live once don’t you ?

As reasons for infidelity go, it certainly beats ‘I was drunk.’

Can You Feel The Heat ?

Yes I can.

The sure knowledge that - despite the emotional pain we experience on a daily basis - we will all face our own death scared and alone mixed with the fact that within 100 years nobody will know we were ever here, let alone care, is a tough one for us all to face.

Despite this existential angst however, my dangly bits are being very firmly dangled where they should be being dangled thanks very much.

Is Jean Beauvoir His Real Name ?

I was utterly convinced it was a totally made up concoction styled with his own vanity (his surname translates, after all, as beautiful to see) but, no, I was wrong : it’s his real name alright.

I Bet His Story Is Really Dull…

You may find this very very hard to believe - I certainly did - but his story is actually absolutely fascinating.

Jean is apparently of Haitian descent and was born in Chicago. When he was 13 he was so determined to be a performer he lied about his true age and managed to get himself recruited to be the musical director for very successful singer Gary US Bonds (who was so well known in America at that time he actually consistently headlined above The Beatles).

As a result of this, Jean then went on to do shows with such luminaries as Bo Diddley and Chuck Berry. As if this wasn’t enough for a thirteen year old, he was then recruited to become the lead singer in an incarnation of The Flamingos (most famous for I Only Have Eyes For You):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Flamingos

After this (now at the ripe old age of 15) sensing he hadn’t really achieved that much in his life yet, he moved to New York and joined a band who very quickly turned into the horribly well respected Plasmatics with Wendy O Williams :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Plasmatics

http://www.plasmatics.com/

Fastforwarding a few years to Feel The Heat, the album this song came from sold an incredible 1.5 million copies wordwide and Feel The Heat was used as the theme tune for yet another film I’ve never seen : Cobra with Sylvester Stallone.

http://www.joblo.com/arrow/reviews.php?id=935

From hereon in, his life is a who’s who of the corporate rock empire and also an exhaustive lesson in how to make quite literally shitloads of money in the music world. Take a look :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean_Beauvoir

Brace yourselves though, some of his history does involve Shalamar :

http://www.rathole.com/fireworks/23/4.asp

Anyway, Jean is still with us, no longer has a talcum powder fetish and is obviously stupidly loaded. These days he has a goatee, a very strange pair of eyebrows and no other visible hair to speak of :

http://www.jeanbeauvoir.com/

Gosh. Do You Have Any Dangerously Long Interviews With Jean For Me To Read ?

I certainly do.

If you’ve always wondered how Jean thinks Chameleon compares to Drums Along the Mohawk in terms of his progression as a songwriter (The answer is that he asks himself that very question all the time) - now is your chance to find out :

http://www.the-fuze.com/jean_beauvoir.html

If Jean Hadn’t Written This Song To Tell Me, How Else Could I Have Discovered His Infidelity ?

In her book ‘Is He Cheating On You? 829 Telltale Signs’, Ruth Houston rather unsurprisingly claims there are… 829 telltale signs :

http://www.ishecheatingonyou.com/

I like Ruth, partly because she refers to herself as an ‘infidelity expert’ - which frankly sounds like the best job in the world - but also because she feels the need to point out that ‘No special skills or equipment are needed’.

I also particularly like her advice if you are worried your loved one is secretly shagging your best friend, which is this : if your best friend happens to show you something new like jewellery or lingerie at some vague point after Valentine’s day… always ask them to show you the receipt.

Subtle or what ?

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Jean maybe mind bogglingly rich but his record is quite literally worthless. There are none anywhere - and I must therefore record our third desperately disappointing minus 8 pence. With this frankly damning outcome he joins the not remotely poncey Latin Quarter and not remotely sexy Georgio… at the bottom of the pile. Oh well, want to hear the 12″ ? If you don’t laugh at some point in the first two minutes - existential angst or not - you are very possibly dead already :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNpk_Z1h3As&feature=related

Current Profit : 157 pounds and 93 pence. Bugger. We’ve gone down - and not,as Jean’s front cover is really trying to suggest, in a good way.

Supporting Cast Update : Bonds, Gary US; Diddley, Bo; Berry, Chuck; Flamingos, The; Williams, Wendy O; Stallone, Sylvester

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

“ Human beings live in a state of mind called ’sanity’ on a small planet in space. They are not quite sure whether the space around them is infinite or not (either way it is unthinkable). If they think about time, they find it inconceivable that it had a beginning. It is also inconceivable that it did not have a beginning. Thoughts of this kind are not disturbing to ’sanity’, [despite the fact]… it is a salient feature of our position that we are in a state of total uncertainty. Possibly the universe started with a ‘big bang’ a few aeons ago, or perhaps something even more incredible happened. In any case, there is no reason known to us why everything should not stop existing at any moment. I realize that to my sane readers I shall appear to be making an empty academic point. That is precisely what is so remarkable about sanity.

Celia Green - The Human Evasion

“I think we have different value systems. “
“Well mine’s better. “

Douglas Adams - The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy

Existence is pretty fucking weird isn’t it ?

If we are all infinite souls experiencing three dimensional space before we finally reunite in some form or other with the rest of our spiritual self in a place where time and place don’t exist - let alone the idea of ‘self’ - that’s pretty fucking weird.

However, if all spirituality is a human invention and this entire reality just happened - by chance - to not only luck itself into existence from nothing at all, but also eventually randomly evolve conscious beings able to question how they and it got there in the first place, then that’s a pretty fucking weird state of affairs too.

Worryingly then, of the only two options we have available to us as to the reason for our entire existence, both of them are really fucking weird.

What’s This Got To Do With That Nice Graham Parker ?

The scientific option for The Beginning Of Everything has the problem that it relies on something being made out of nothing. It is unfortunate then that historical precedent suggests this theory may well be ill-advised. The only other time I can think of where people tried to make Something Out Of Nothing was on an Eastenders spin-off single involving both Letitia Dean and Nick Berry - and that was a total fucking unmitigated disaster.

Luckily for humanity, that disaster lasted only 3 minutes and measured a mere 7 inches in diameter. But if you take the terror contained within those 3 minutes and multiply it over the possibly infinite length of time itself, then take the horror squeezed into those devilish 7 inches and multiply it over the possibly infinite size of the universe, you can perhaps understand why I am a little concerned that scientists are trying to base their entire theory of reality upon it.

Oddly, despite this Letitia laced warning, modern trendy types like to chuck their atheism around the place with the kind of swagger which suggests that, just like the Urban Cookie Collective before them, they hold both the key and the secret. They are wrong, of course, as definitive proof is one thing they do not have and therefore - whether they like it or not - it must follow that religion may actually be right.

By saying this I am not referring to all that Old Testament stuff which indicates you should inexplicably cut the testicles off four donkeys and shove them up your bottom for a couple of days as a ‘punishment’ because you happen to be homosexual - I am talking about the absolute basics. ie It is possible that when you die something else might happen to you other than just the death of a body as human beings can perceive it.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it would be pretty fucking weird if it did but - as I say - the other Nick Berry based option isn’t exactly not fucking weird.

Errr… Graham Parker ?

Most importantly of course, neither position can conclusively prove they are 100% correct when it comes to the existence or non-existence of a spiritual element to reality - no matter how many various celebrity atheist authors or Christian pop stars claim otherwise. Essentially, each requires the individual to make a final leap of faith in order to accept it as a personal fact.

Indeed, both science and religion would find it hard to conclusively prove that I actually exist - and I actually do.

Errr… I think …

Please Shut Up And Tell Me About This Record.

“The missionary’s position is clear,” puns an obviously angry Graham as if he has been transformed into Richard Dawkins and is being forced to go down on the Archbishop of Canterbury until he finally concedes that his latest book is actually an opinion, “Break Them Dow-yown…”

For the rest of the song Graham makes entirely valid points concerning the disgraceful act of forcing religion onto other cultures and the inherent violence used to do so - and he is, of course, correct to be so utterly appalled.

Herein lies the downside of the religious option for The Beginning Of Everything : human beings keep trying to give their spiritual belief some sort of earthly representation and, as any of your exes will probably tell you, human beings can be bastards.

Graham though is using this human stupidity and violence to negate the very idea of a spiritual non human presence in the universe - and this makes as much sense as negating the very idea of science just because you weren’t a huge fan of the Hiroshima bomb.

Errr, Right. Tell Me, Is The Song Any Good ?

Yes it is, it is very good - if a little lumpen and with a slight overexcited use of vocal reverb.

In other parts of it Graham resembles a particularly grumpy Joe Jackson - presumably mere moments after he discovers that, yes, she really is going out with him… ‘Gorilla’ or not.

Where Is Graham Now ?

You can read all about the very highly regarded Graham Parker, who was born in the UK but now apparently lives in the US, here :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graham_Parker

He seems very nice, is touted as an angry young man influence on people like Elvis Costello and (hurrah!) Joe Jackson - and most recently released an album in March of this year called Don’t Tell Columbus, which is seen by many as real return to form :

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Tell-Columbus-Graham-Parker/dp/B000MR9C1Y

As Graham himself said about it :

“If I never make a record again, that’ll be fine with me. This is it. My work is done here.”

Like a theoretical God on the sixth day of creation however, his work wasn’t done as he has now quite literally just released a new download only album The End Of Faith’, has started a blog and… has just read Richard Dawkins’ book ‘The God Delusion’ :

http://chairmanparker.blogspot.com/2007/10/end-of-faith.html

“I think this is an urgent matter, and I think the sooner mankind can stamp out religion with the light of reason the better. The world and the universe will not be any less miraculous for it, more so in fact, and the misery these superstitions and “faiths” inflict in what can only be described rationally as belief in the supernatural, can be marginalized and banished to the crackpot realm where they now fully belong.”

What Was All That About ‘The Human Evasion’ ?

The book ‘The Human Evasion’ is written by a lady called Celia Green and was published in 1969 . It is horribly dated in parts, completely brilliant in others, contains some ideas which will make you scream “No! No! Nooo!” at it in sheer dismay, but contains other ideas which will make your head spin with utter excitement.

It is however sadly out of print and almost impossible to find. So, if the quote at the beginning of all this interests you, I make no apologies to point out that a complete copy is available to read online here :

http://theabsolute.net/minefield/humevas.html#1

Break The M(oney) Down

Cost : 8 pence. Want to read all about Eastenders spin-off band, The Banned ? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Banned_(EastEnders) . Oh, by the way, the lyrics to Break Them Down are here, whilst here is the definition of ‘panare’ which pinpoints the subject matter of this song to southern Venezuela, and here is proof that the nonsense continues…

Current Value : 3 pounds and 96 pence - which carries him like the son of God on a donkey straight into number 9 value-wise. Somebody, it seems, is on his side.

Current Profit : 152 pounds and 55 pence. We are now 49 records in, so we will start the new year with the fiftieth. That box is starting to feel a little lighter, and I have no idea how many are left in it. It is therefore probably worth pointing out that I Am Not The Beatles has a finite shelf life quite literally as long as the number of records in the box. With this in mind, and just in case this is the only chance I get to say it to you : Merry Christmas one and all.

Supporting Cast Update : Costello, Elvis ; Jackson, Joe; Urban Cookie Collective; Dean Letitia; Berry, Nick; Dawkins, Richard; Green, Celia

EDIT : Update now available in ‘Corrections and Clarifications’