I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

“Miracles, in the sense of phenomena we cannot explain, surround us on every hand: life itself is the miracle of miracles.”

George Bernard Shaw - Preface to Androcles and The Lion

It’s a crazy life isn’t it ?

In fact, say Beggar & Co, there’s nothing stranger - and when you initially consider the laughably remote likelihood of you ever existing in the first place, relying rather heavily as it does on every single one of your ancestors from the past few million years first ovulating and then randomly ejaculating into each other at stupidly precise and terrifyingly exact moments, it can be hard to disagree.

Indeed, as systems go for guaranteeing your own bafflingly brief existence many years into the unknowable future, human reproduction is pretty darn precarious and - rather insultingly for you I fear - almost seems to have been actively designed to try and prevent you from ever being here at all.

And yet, despite the ridiculously long odds of these totally random acts of nature occuring one after the other in order to eventually produce the human being that is you… amazingly it turns out you are actually here and this is, of course, very strange indeed.

Given life’s tenacious propensity for finding ways to exist in the most unlikely of situations however, there is one possibility that would be much stranger than life : and that is absolutely no life.

I am not talking here about your own disappointingly imminent rather sad and poignant death by the way - as this is obviously only going to painfully occur because you were given life in the first place and, as such, should really only be considered as a subsection of it.

Nope, what would have been even stranger is if this entire reality had gone to all the unhesitating hassle of actually suddenly creating itself from absolutely bugger all, filling an apparently infinite space with itself, dotting itself with an infinite number of planets and stars and breathtakingly beautiful nebulae… only to then rather selfishly not let anything live within it and have a good look.

This would be a situation akin to Pink going through all the stress of ensuring she is most definitely going out, only to then start absolutely no parties whatsoever.

And that would just be silly.

What crazy things happen in Beggar and Co’s Life ?

In the first verse the singer becomes aware of a girl living in his vicinity, but doesn’t yet know her name.

So, in an attempt to find out this information, in the second verse he very successfully asks somebody else who knows the answer to his question… and they tell him.

It’s fucking madness I tell you.

That’s not really very crazy at all is it ?

Errr… no it’s not - but that event, apart from the singer also helpfully describing the lady in question as a bad girl - is quite literally all… that… happens.

Why is she bad ?

Oddly, she apparently likes to have sex… with men.

He believes a strong individual enjoying her sexual freedoms and who is thus in total control of her own sexual expression, makes a grown woman a bad girl ?

Yes.

Despite this unrelenting viewpoint, however, he would - if possible - really quite like to have sex with her… proving once and for all there there is nothing stranger than misogyny.

What’s The Strangest Bit Of This Record ?

It’s pretty strange that this record exists in the first place - but to then go and put a silly rap in it ? Well, that’s just plain crazy.

What’s Happening In Beggar and Co’s Life Now ?

You’re going to have to concentrate here as it’s all rather complicated.

On this record they are three chaps called Breeze McKrieth, Kenny Wellington and David Baptiste and - rather confusingly - they were all in both Beggar & Co and another band called Light Of The World seemingly pretty much simultaneously.

http://www.myspace.com/beggarandco

Interestingly, whilst Breeze, Kenny and David were in those two bands they also played on Spandau Ballet’s Chant No.1 and then had a vague hit with their own Chant No.2 then - when Light Of The World eventually split which, incidentally, they seemed to do with quite alarming regularity - three other original members of Light Of The World went on to form the much admired band by many, Incognito.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incognito_%28band%29

http://www.incognito.org.uk/

These days Light Of The World is still going but - and prepare yourself, as this is where it all gets really confusing - they don’t actually seem to have reformed as such, everybody else just slowly appears to have left at some point… and it therefore contains absolutely no members of the original band at all.

So, in an apparent attempt to regain the initiative (and also to play some gigs in memory of Paul Tubbs who is another original member of Light Of The World- and, rather sadly, one who’s own life came to an end in 2007) Breeze, Kenny and David have now reformed another Light Of The World - who are thus the original Light Of The World - and are now also playing under this name.

Want to get even more confused ? Worryingly, both of their websites are exactly the same…

http://www.beggarandco.co.uk

http://www.lightoftheworldmusic.co.uk

Can I Look At Some Beautiful Nebulae And Then Learn About Life’s Tenacious Propensity For Finding Ways To Exist In The Most Unlikely Of Situations Please ?

You certainly can.

Here is a lovely page of nebulae :

http://www.biochem.szote.u-szeged.hu/astrojan/nebula1.htm

And these are a couple of fascinating but stupidly long indexed articles looking first at the desert environment, and then polar biology :

http://openlearn.open.ac.uk/course/view.php?id=2815

http://openlearn.open.ac.uk/course/view.php?id=2820

What Are The Odds Of Me Actually Having This Life ?

It is, of course, complicated :

http://forums.randi.org/showthread.php?t=53425

” Life ? Don’t Talk To Me (anymore) About Life… “

I’m not going to… but Wikipedia is - both generally

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life

and meaningfully :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meaning_of_life

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Just about every website about Beggar & Co seems to deny this record was ever released - but Gemm doesn’t lie : 2 pounds and 87 pence… which is a crazy price. Incidentally, if all of the above band swappy roundy madness has left you all a bit wide eyed and disoriented, then I suggest you could do alot worse than calm down to the soothing sounds of Kenny’s solo album ‘Kind Of Black’ : http://www.myspace.com/kennywellington

Current Profit : 189 pounds and 28 pence. Want to know more about George Bernard Shaw’s Androcles and The Lion ? Want to actually read Androcles and The Lion ? Can’t be arsed, but quite interested in that preface? The only online version I found was basically unreadable, so I’ve shoved a copy here.

More importantly than all of this however - is it just me or are you starting to get just a little bit excited about the possibility of … 200 pounds ?

Supporting Cast Update : Spandau Ballet ; Pink; Shaw, George Bernard

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

The lead singer of Hothouse Flowers would like it be made known that he is sorry sorry sorry baby.

In fact, in a move that is going to startle Lenny D and Tommy Musto, he is very specifically sorry a somewhat incredible 28 times… plus one apology - as he manages to get down on his knees and do the latter in the brief moments of what passes for a middle eight.

Seeing as this song is a full 40 seconds shorter than Lenny and Tommy’s panda dance spectacular, this final grand total of 29 expressions of regret can only lead us to the really rather shocking conclusion that the lead singer of Hothouse Flowers is actually more sorry than everything is, in fact, bamboo.

Anything Specific He’s Apologising For ?

Standing on your face.

That Did Really Fucking Hurt To Be Fair, So I Am Glad He Said Sorry For That. Anything Else ?

In no particular order he is sorry that he has told you lies, pushed you around, claimed he couldn’t telephone you when it turns out he actually could, made you cry in many different geographical locations, and that he didn’t know the following :

a) When he hurt you

b) When you cried

c) When you screamed (which was, presumably, in the moments following that ill-fated face standing incident)

d) When you stopped crying after you had commenced it in b)

e) When you called, and finally

f) When you hurt - which of course makes perfect logical sense when you consider point a)

Indeed, apparently he didn’t even know that he should know any of these things and, although this endless cycle of abuse just sounds like a perfectly normal day in my house, I do understand that in many social circles the lead singer of Hothouse Flowers would, in short, be regarded as a bit of a bastard.

Should I Forgive Him ?

That really rather depends upon whether you’re his mother or not.

Errr… No I’m Not…

In that case then I am afraid this has all been a massive misunderstanding, as he quite clearly states towards the end of the song that this is a record apologising to his sweet mama… and absolutely nobody else.

So if, as you claim, you are not the leader singer of Hothouse Flowers’ mum then this record isn’t actually directed at you, and whether you choose to forgive him or not for your own personal face stomping experience is therefore completely immaterial.

Hang On A Minute. Does This Mean He Has Actually Stood On His Mother’s Face As Well ?

It appears so, yes.

And he’s really very sorry about it all.

I Don’t Care How Bloody Sorry He Is, When He Stood On My Face I Thought It Was A Careless One-Off ‘Mistake’ - But His Own Mother ? That Is No ‘Mistake’ It Tell You… That Is A Pattern.

It’s not a particularly pleasant story, is it ?

The man is obviously totally bonkers, and it is certainly possible we should have really picked up on this at an earlier stage in the proceedings… as in the spoken word intro he even laughs in a rather sinister fashion at his own really really crap joke.

He’s Always Done That. It’s Dreadfully Irritating.

Irritating or not it is, it appears, one of the very few things he isn’t prepared to actually apologise for.

Anything Else Interesting To Add ?

Errr… No.

Sorry.

What Is Hothouse Flowers ?

Surprisingly that question makes sense - as Hothouse Flowers is the name of a book published in 2006 with the shittest plot in the universe.

Yes, using dandelions as its central characters and rather disturbingly aimed squarely at children, the book’s writer claims it to be an allegorical tale warning against the horrors of immigration - and, if the word ‘allegorical’ has had its meaning expanded in recent years so it now also takes in the monolithic mountains of ‘undoubtedly crap’ as well as the sweeping vistas of ‘knob twistingly intolerant’, then his description is probably a fair one :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hot_House_Flowers

What Else Is Hothouse Flowers ?

It is the name of an American report subtitled ‘The Vices and Virtues of Climate Federalism’ which essentially argues that because the US government is so stupidly slow to take a lead on dealing with climate change within it’s own borders, it really shouldn’t complain that states who have already passed their own legislation are then resistant to further central government interference.

Take a look. It is one of those papers that you can’t quite believe anybody ever got around to writing :

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1096571

Anything Else ?

Yes, it is a 1984 album by Wynton Marsalis :

http://www.wyntonmarsalis.org/discography/jazz/hot-house-flowers

which is, incidentally, where our Hothouse Flowers got their name from… and they are still going - after splitting and reforming a few times - in a slightly modified form, here :

http://www.hothouseflowers.com

I’m Sorry is taken from their first album People and was the follow up to their first, and biggest, hit to date Don’t Go. Here are the two songs back to back :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBIKSOlje7Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOhrBhAUFLs

Why Wasn’t I’m Sorry A Hit… But Don’t Go Was ?

Don’t Go is a song about begging somebody not to go and not to leave me now now now - and in our darker, more needy, and possibly more drunk moments we have all done that, haven’t we ?

Whether we care to admit it or not, we have all collapsed in naked pointless humiliating tears in front of the one we love imploring them not to leave, and reassuring them we will change - what’s more we do this safe in the knowledge that the way we are currently acting is actually making it more likely they will, ultimately, get the fuck out of our lives very quickly indeed.

In direct contrast, however, the market for songs about standing on your own mother’s face is somewhat niche to say the least - and I fear this may well have been a contributing factor.

Do You Have Any Desperate Attempts To Connect This With Another Record To End With ?

Yes I do.

According to Wikipedia Hothouse Flowers spent a - surely pointless - one whole day in a recording session with Daniel Lanois. Now, those of you with very long I Am Not The Beatles memories will no doubt recall that poor old Luba has also worked with the tremendously loaded bubblebath fanatic with very disturbing consequences :

http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?p=80

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : One person is charging a stonking 50 quid for this because of it’s limited edition gatefold sleeve (don’t forget to pop off and have a look at it, by the way). The more realistic however are charging… wow… a very decent 5 pounds 60 pence - all of which means Hothouse Flowers have absolutely nothing to apologise for at all.

Current Profit : 186 pounds and 49 pence. I am, in essence, Feeling Good.

Supporting Cast Update : Marsalis, Wynton

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

You would never guess it from her confident smile and brave choice of black jacket, but Suze De Marchi has a very severe dandruff problem. If you take a close look at the front cover you will see the telltale sign as, when Head and Shoulders just isn’t enough, your GP will often advise you to wear what are known in Pityriasistic circles as Dandruff Dusters.

These simple yet effective gadgets attach to your ears and operate with a subtle shake of the human head. This slight movement first dislodges the dandruff from the scalp, allows it to fall delicately onto the shoulders… then almost imperceptibly the Dandruff Dusters brush it neatly onto the floor - all in one swift and simple movement.

Suze is going to be doing alot of this subtle head shaking over the next few days, as dandruff can be annoying at the best of times - but it is doubly irritating when you’ve got a Big Wednesday coming up.

Ooooh. What’s happening on Wednesday ?

You’re going to die.

I’m going to die and all Suze De Marchi’s worried about is her dandruff ?

Well, she wants to look her best for the occasion doesn’t she ?

Selfish bloody cow.

Look, before you start getting overexcited about it all, you should probably be aware that it’s not just you who is going to die - it’s everyone, Suze included. We are all going to die. On Wednesday.

Well if that’s true, that really is a rather Big Wednesday.

Exactly.

You see, according to death predictor Suze, Wednesday may well turn up as usual, but that ever meddling Doomsday is going to get in the way and ruin it all for everybody. So taking all things into full consideration, you should probably expect to be dead by somewhere around Wednesday teatime.

Bugger. Is there anything I can do to stop this ?

Suze does suggest you may want to try and create a little love with her. Be careful though, you had better get the fuck out of her face once the special coital event is over… she does need some room to breathe after all, you great big bloody obsessive.

Right. So will having casual sex with Suze De Marchi actually help ?

Errr… no, unfortunately not. It’s a shame but everything that could have been done has already been done, so this is ultimately just a way of getting nicely fucked before you are both completely and utterly fucked on Wednesday - I think she just thought it might help pass the time.

She is a sexually confident woman is Suze so you’ll probably enjoy it, as she even quite helpfully informs you of precisely how she would like the sex to be : telling you to just, well… hold it there.

That’s not really how sex works in my experience…

I would do it her way and not argue if I were you - as in the second verse she also explains that in her life each time she ever puts a foot out of line it always gets broken in two… so I suspect she would be expecting a reasonably similar punishment for you if you do the same.

Hang on a moment, can I get this straight ? Suze De Marchi is demanding I sleep with her and then leave immediately afterwards or she will, rather unreasonably in my opinion, break one of my feet… and either way I’ll be dead by Wednesday ?

Yes. That’s about the size of it.

Bloody hell. Doesn’t she know who I am ?

She certainly does and she’s not impressed… but even if she was there is no diplomatic immunity when it comes to Doomsday I am afraid.

Well I would rather die without any painful broken limbs just adding to the final existential agony if remotely possible, so I suppose I had better get on with it. Also, I guess that if all she is expecting from the sexual act is for me to just hold it there, I will probably still actually be there on Wednesday anyway - and there must be worse places to be hanging around in whilst facing your imminent and ever impending death than Suze De Marchi’s vagina.

Good decision.

Watch out for those Dandruff Dusters though, the last thing you want is to die before Wednesday - slowly suffocated by the endless amounts of skin being flung towards your nostrils as she shakes her head at you, faking orgasms.

Thanks for the advice. I’ll bring a snorkel.

This Song If It Were An REM Song Title ?

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, Let’s Have Sex

This Song In One Made Up Word ?

Deathshag.

Was Big Wednesday … errr… Big ?

No, not remotely apparently - anywhere.

Suze is Australian and, just like Nick Cave before her, decided that the London music scene was a much more happening affair… so moved there. Nick Cave went on to release songs like Release The Bats - a darkly comic song about releasing a substance that definitely does not contain bats, and soon became very famous indeed.

Suze whilst in London on the other hand released three singles - including this highly polished one about sex and death - and then… buggered off back to Australia again.

http://members.aol.com/babyarocks/SuzeDiscsR.html

In all fairness, her song isn’t really helped by the ever shiny production plastered onto it by the equally shiny and lovely Simon Climie - as he does seem to make the entire process of shagging seem far too… well… shiny and not remotely squealchy enough. Despite this lack of squealch factor however, someone was tempted to just hold it there with Suze - as it seems that at the exact moment Suze recorded this song, she was actually dating… Gavin Rossdale.

This Song Is Produced By Simon Climie ! Does That Mean It Is Connected To Any Other Records Here ?

No, not really.

If I was desperate, however, I would point out that one member of the very brilliant Bang looks a bit like Simon Climie, and would ask you to pop off there and give their totally superb record another listen.

It’s a tenuous link though to say the least.

Can You Tell Me Something Extremely Interesting About Suze ?

I can.

Rather like David Icke, Suze’s constant predictions of Doomsday haven’t - as yet - ever manifested themselves. But this is just as well as far as she is concerned, as after she moved back to Australia she formed a hugely successful band called Baby Animals and is now officially totally loaded.

Baby Animals were massive in their native land. Their debut album went 8 times platinum there, Nuno Bettencourt of - ahem - Extreme wrote a few songs with them for their second album (before he and Suze eventually married), and all members of Baby Animals also went on to play on Nuno’s first solo album called Schizophonic. Also, Suze was the first ever female Australian musician to be put on the cover of Australian Rolling Stone magazine and was one of the inaugural inductees in the West Australian Music Industry Awards Hall Of Fame.

All in all she is, basically, held in Very High Regard Indeed.

Baby Animals eventually split up in 1996 but, guess what? Yes, like the many millions before them …. they’ve only gone and bloody well reformed :

http://www.thebabyanimals.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suze_DeMarchi

Want to read a rather overexcitable interview with Suze which includes lots of unnecessary CAPITAL LETTERS ?

http://www.rockwired.com/rockwired_interviews_the_baby_animals.html

That’s All Very Interesting And Everything, But Can I Look At Some Real Baby Animals Now Please ?

You certainly can :

http://www.babyanimalz.com/

And yes, I know this record isn’t remotely Connected To Swing Out Sister, but may I recommend the hedgehog ?

http://www.babyanimalz.com/images3/baby_igel.jpg

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : If I owned a piece of music from yet another film I’ve never seen called Big Wednesday written by the superbly named Basil Poledouris, I’d apparently be up nearly 20 quid. As it is though Wednesday itself may be big, but the price most definitely isn’t : 2 pounds and 2 little pennies.

Current Profit : 175 pounds and 61 pence.

Incidentally, if there are any major fans of poor old dandruff afflicted Suze reading this then, yes, I am totally aware that she now spells her surname with no space - DeMarchi. But, if you look at the back cover of this record, she didn’t then… OK ? This may seem a trifle defensive of me, but the last time I reviewed a record by an Australian I got called a fuckwit, and I am a sensitive soul so I don’t really want it to happen again.

Supporting Cast Update : REM ; Cave, Nick ; Bettencourt, Nuno ; Icke, David ; Climie, Simon ; Rossdale, Gavin

In a day and age where we have grown used to seeing newborn babies emerge from the womb visibly gutted to discover they have been born with hands too small to play Guitar Hero for a good few years yet, it is easy to be apathetic when faced with vulgar and unprincipalled advertising.

This record though is a fucking disgrace.

Don’t Be Cruel…

I am not - but RCA are, as in an incredibly ugly and cynical piece of financial management they have quite plainly kidnapped The Real Judds and replaced them with two heavily made up Girl’s Worlds.

To A Heart That’s True…

I tell you now, these two wouldn’t know the meaning of the word ‘true’ if it was written backwards in lipstick across their foreheads and they were held in front of a mirror - this is because they are made of plastic and don’t have a brain.

That’s Not Really True Is It ?

It bloody well is, just look at the evidence :

First of all there are, rather tellingly, no photographs taken of them below their shoulders – for the very good reason of course that there is absolutely nothing below their shoulders except the table upon which they have just been rather artlessly placed.

Secondly, if you take a look at the back cover you can see their heads have been specially designed to very cleverly slot together and form an almost perfect rectangle - an obvious money saving exercise which will make them brilliantly easy to slip into a suitcase and take onto their own tour as hand luggage.

Finally, the only make up artist these Judd-U-Likes require will be the nearest 12 year old girl in the vicinity – thus saving the record label quite literally thousands of pounds on an entourage. If you are still a bit doubtful about this whole The Judds Have Been Kidnapped theory, then just take look at the front cover again and ask yourself this question : who else, apart from a young child, would choose to apply that slightly wonky and unnecessarily brave shade of green eyeliner on the one on the right ?

Errr… I Know This Song Don’t I ?

You certainly do.

Will I Like This Version ?

It seems unlikely.

Taking the morally dubious backstory into account, Don’t Be Cruel has essentially been morphed into an ice cream van version of the original and revamped into a plea to teenage girls everywhere not to apply silly make up onto the faces of their ever loyal toy. The fact it has already been noted that this is all rather too late for the one on the right means it could be viewed as a plaintive and wonderfully touching call to arms for decapitated plastic heads everywhere – but all this talk of ‘hearts’ and ‘love’ makes it alarming anthropomorphic.

It Does Have A Gap Though, And I Like Gaps.

Yes it does- but please don’t get overexcited by this prospect… it’s only a tiddler.

Oh Well, At Least The Song Only Lasts For 2 Minutes And 20 Seconds.

That’s true – and although that is something to get excited about, my initial outlay of 8 pence means I still paid 0.05 pence per second for this record, which seems a bit steep.

Did The Real Judds Ever Escape Their Captors And Expose This Scam ?

Thankfully yes - but the experience obviously badly affected the two sisters as they split this band up just a few years later. For the years Wynonna and Naomi were together though they did manage to have a rather incredible fourteen number one singles in the US. Unsurprisingly however, this wasn’t one of them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Judds

Do you want to watch quite literally the last song The Judds ever played together at their last ever concert ? You can tell it’s The Real Judds because they’ve got legs :

http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=VpLk1MaJKNM

Shortly after this performance Wynonna shocked The Entire American Nation when she had a child out of wedlock - she had to make a statement to the press and everything - and then went on to be generally forgiven and have a successful US solo career, perhaps partly due to her new unbelievably straight and sparkly hair :

http://www.wynonna.com

Meanwhile, Naomi - who actually initially retired as she was sadly diagnosed with Hepatitis C - eventually went on to present a Sunday morning religious television show called Naomi’s New Morning :

http://www.faithstreams.com/ME2/Default.asp

Today, like many others before them The Real Judds have just reformed and will play a music festival in California this coming May - they claim they are doing it for one night only so, if you’re a fan, you know what to do :

http://stagecoachfestival.com/

Do You Have A Video Of The Pretend Judds Singing Don’t Be Cruel ?

No.

Suspiciously no video appears to have ever been made, so you’ll just have to make do with Majella singing it instead :

http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=NTj3–pAJ04

Were There Any Other Famous Judds ?

Yes, actress Ashley Judd - Wynonna and Naomi’s half-sister :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashley_Judd

She is married to someone I’ve never heard of, and who I only mention because he’s got a brilliant name - Dario Franchitti :

http://www.franchitti.com/

Can You Tell Me A Bit About The History Of This Song Before You Go ?

Ok : The Jordanaires sung backing vocals on the original Elvis version and reprise their role by popping in and doing a few, admittedly brief, nice crisp doo-wops on The Judds version too. It’s the best bit.

Interestingly, Elvis’ original was the first ever single to top all three separate Billboard charts - Pop, Rhythm and Blues, and Country and Western - and it was arranged and recorded immediately after 30 takes of Hound Dog had just been recorded on the same day.

Just like Sudden Sway, he then recorded 8 different versions of this song. Unlike Sudden Sway, however, he only released one of them : version 7 of this song was the one that was used, along with version 28 of Hound Dog.

Now, although it was no doubt physically tiring doing all those takes, it probably isn’t as tiring as just trying to sit through the one version recorded by The Residents :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don’t_Be_Cruel

I Want To Buy A Girl’s World

Then you’re a fucking fool. These days they speak :

Click For The Full Horror

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Some very odd people actually ask for over 10 pounds for a copy of this record. I eventually found somebody a bit more sensible though : 1 pound 56 pence.

Current Profit : 159 pounds and 41 pennies. Yes I know it’s worth nearly nothing, but I am just glad to be going back up again. Hurrah !

Supporting Cast Update : Presley, Elvis; Residents, The; Jordanaires, The

EDIT : Update now available in ‘Corrections and Clarifications’

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Based around a groove whose existence appears to be entirely designed just so Working Week could waggle their fingers at the TV camera whilst miming to it on Top of The Pops, Too Much Time quite literally drips with a desperate desire to be the sound of your summer.

As anyone who has ever been unemployed knows however, one downside of having ‘too much time’ on your hands is that it can make you slightly bored and unindustrious. That is certainly a situation which has been replicated here as, for all the ‘time’ the singer consistently claims to have far ‘too much’ of, none of it was ever used productively in order to actually get around to writing a second verse. For a song that takes over 4 minutes to complete, this means you can end up feeling all the summer funk and excitement of a hosepipe ban.

If that wasn’t bad enough, in a frankly bizarre attempt to make up for their langurous approach to songwriting, Working Week then present you with a rather rambling culinary based middle 8 which has nothing to do with the rest of the song whatsoever.

“Sometimes when it gets late and I’m feeling hungry,” it states as the band inexplicably present their ingredients to Ainsley Harriott at the beginning of Ready Steady Cook, “I heat up some old stale beans, open up a can of sardines, eat crackers and dream about someone who’ll cook for me.’

It is presumably at this point that dear old Ainsley camply spins around to speak with their designated chef, waiting expectantly to see what ideas he can come up with for such a food fest - only to find him breaking down live on air as he suddenly becomes painfully aware that he is finally, after all these years, utterly defeated.

What Are The First Symptoms Of Having ‘Too Much Time’ ?

Believing people may be interested in some sort of musical version of your late night eating habits, presumably.

I Think I Do Have ‘Too Much Time’… So Tell Me About Hedgehogs.

OK, I will.

With this song the ‘Connected To Swing Out Sister’ category has finally got another member. The reason for this is that before the vocalist on this song (Juliet Roberts) joined the band, they tried out a lady called Corinne Drewery - fresh from Beau Leisure and When In Rome - only for her to pop off almost immediately to form… Swing Out Sister.

This is a brilliant fact, of course, mainly because it means I get an excuse to mention Corinne’s mum’s Hedgehog Hospital in Louth once again :

http://www.hedgehogcare.org.uk/

They didn’t have their own website when we last mentioned them during the days of Dr Calculus - but rather excitingly they now do and you can do such things with it as buy hedgehog fridge magnets and key rings , read fabulous advice on what to do if you find an ill looking hedgehog in your garden, and also look at their wonderful photo gallery.

Are They Still Working, The Week ?

They are because… they have reformed :

http://www.working-week.org/

Not only are they rated very highly by many, but they were also a bit more subversive than you may initally think. Alot of people say their greatest work was a rendition of Victor Jara’s ‘Venceremos’ with Tracey Thorn from Everything But The Girl :

http://tinyurl.com/22ukpu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dln0c0-0GUE

Who is Victor Jara ? A highly respected Chilean theatre director, poet, singer-songwriter and political activist who was arrested and tortured before being machine gunned to death four days later :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Jara

http://www.fundacionvictorjara.cl/

Gosh. Tell Me More About Working Week.

There seems to have been quite a revolving door of vocalists who worked with the two Working Week chaps - Larry Stabbins and Simon Booth - over the years. The singer on this record, Juliet, first signed a record contract at the tender age of 15 and has also collaborated with such people as Miles Davis, Stevie Wonder and Courtney Pine :

http://www.julietroberts.com/

The not remotely porn-named Larry Stabbins is also terribly successful. He has a long standing association with very famous pianist Keith Tippet, took time out to study philosopy at Kings College, London - and recently released his first solo album Monadic :

http://www.efi.group.shef.ac.uk/musician/mstabbins.html

http://www.emanemdisc.com/E4093.html

Meanwhile, it seems Simon Booth formed a band before this one called ‘Weekend’ with Alison Statton from Young Marble Giants, then after Working Week went on to form Afro-Celt Sound System :

http://tinyurl.com/2j5pn3

http://www.afrocelts.org/

So Working Week Are Alot Cleverer Than You Thought ?

They certainly are.

Another example of their cleverness is this song itself, as ‘Too Much Time’ is actually written by a chap called Don Van Vliet, better known as… Captain Beefheart. I know nothing about the highly influential Captain Beefheart at all incidentally - except that I should probably own a copy of Trout Mask Replica but don’t - so this was a bit of a surprise to say the least :

http://www.beefheart.com/

He was recently spotted shopping in Safeway :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_Beefheart

And is now a full time painter :

http://www.artnet.com/artist/17294/don-van-vliet.html

Can I Buy Some Stuff Before Reading The Money Update Please ?

Yes you can.

Why not choose between The Best Of Working Week , The Spotlight Kid / Clear Spot - the Captain Beefheart album this song is from (you can also hear a snippet of his original version of this song there) - or prints of some of Don’s art.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 1 pound and 70 pence. Too Much Time, but not really Too Much Money.

Current Profit : 149 pounds and 67 pence.

Supporting Cast Update : Pine, Courtney ; Statton, Alison; Tippet, Keith; Davis, Miles; Wonder, Stevie ; Hariott, Ainsley; Thorn Tracey; Jara Victor; Van Vliet, Don