I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Bill Medley would like you to categorically state that you are not in love with him.

Well, that’s easily done - as I’m not.

Brilliant! You’re really good at this!

Good at what ?

Ending your relationship with Bill Medley.

But I’m not in a relationship with Bill Medley – never have been. Indeed, I don’t believe I’ve ever even met the man.

That’s probably just as well to be honest, as it turns out Bill is claiming that he couldn’t give two hoots about you either and – as such - he would now quite like you to run along…

Consider it done.

…and take it like a man.

I’m sorry ?

Bill isn’t entirely clear why you had to start running away for him then to chase you before he made the attempt but don’t worry, he promises to be strong and stand as tall as he can throughout the entire man taking process.

But what if I’m not currently of the persuasion to be Bill Meddled with in this manner ?

Drugs.

He makes it quite clear at 2 minutes and 9 seconds when he says that at that aforementioned moment “ When you say it’s the end… I’ll just hand you a line”.

And in my experience at least, that’s usually enough to turn just about anybody.

Somebody Enter This For Eurovision !

Absolutely.

Despite - or very possibly because of - the slightly disturbing air of sexual tension which hangs around this record, it certainly does have Eurovision potential doesn’t it ?

Greedily, it’s even got not just one but two separate choruses - the second of which makes its first appearance around the 2 minute mark - and seems to exist purely for Bill to coyly suggest that a jolly good fisting might well be in order.

I beg your pardon ?

And it is in the midst of this general fistyness where, just like Falco before him, desperate Bill finally breaks down and criiiiiiies - presumably as he comes to terms with what he has just rather selfishly forced upon you.

Unfortunately however, whereas Falco’s cryyyyyyying was pure raw emotion given context by the cyclic nature of both grief and the song itself, Bill’s criiiiiiies instead sound like he has suddenly and unexpectedly metamorphosed into that incredibly constipated and grunting individual who always seems to be in the neighbouring cubicle to you whenever you are forced by circumstances beyond your control to actually use a public convenience.

What a horrible thought.

It gets worse, as at 3 minutes and 27 seconds - mere moments after yet more constipated cryyyyyyying brings everything to its logical naked from the waist down conclusion - the most astounding thing occurs.

I am not going to ruin it for you with details of exactly what this is, but if you can listen to this bit without picturing Bill’s bowels finally exhaustedly giving up with the sound of a few initial heavy thuds against the stainless steel, and then immediately following this up with an ever quickening stream of other stuff behind it… then you are a stronger person than I.

Can You Stop Talking About Bill Medley’s Bowels Please ?

Apart from saying that I most definitely am not in love with Bill, the other thing I can categorically state is that I have never heard this song before.

Ever.

Oddly however I may well be the only one as, worryingly, it actually has its own Wikipedia page dedicated to it.

Good God. Really ?

Yes. Really.

This is, it turns out, because I’m Gonna Be Strong was originally written in 1963 for Frankie Laine by the husband and wife team of Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil. Although it failed to chart for poor old Frankie, when it was re-recorded one year later by Gene Pitney this song was massive. Indeed, in the UK only Gene’s much later duet with Marc Almond has sold more copies for him.

I can’t find Frankie’s version anywhere which is a shame for comparative purposes, so do you want to hear and watch Gene’s - filmed in those marvellous days when disinterested individuals were allowed to hang around in the background of music shows acting as if the music was an unwelcome distraction to their infinitely much more interesting conversations ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGfvSPLqYFs

Fascinatingly, it was also a minor hit a further 16 years later for a group called Blue Angel - which featured a young Cyndi Lauper as their vocalist

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQ7RdtDisKA

and she still performs it live to this day. Here they both are together, for example, in Argentina :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cxXAwKWukU

Oh, and here is the Wikipedia page which, although telling us all of the above with the rather exciting addition of pictures, oddly fails to note Bill’s rather spangly Euro cover version - which just doesn’t seem right :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I’m_Gonna_Be_Strong

Tell Me About Barry and Cynthia !

They also wrote You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ ( a song which, when I was younger, was single handedly responsible for terrifying me into always closing my eyes whenever I kissed anybody – even my gran) Saturday Night At The Movies and… errr… Somewhere Out There for Linda Rondstadt and James Ingram :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFp10zmArgg

Barry and Cynthia were part of a core group of influential songwriters (alongside Leiber/Stoller, Pomis/Shuman, Goffin/King for example) who were famous for creating the “Brill Building Sound”. If you don’t know all about this, as I can’t say I truly did, why not start brushing up on the very interesting history here :

http://www.spectropop.com/hbrill.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brill_Building

Barry and Cynthia are still going and are still married incidentally - even if Cynthia looks like she has recently been welded to Barry’s back during which intense industrial process her face sadly melted :

http://www.mann-weil.com

Tell Me About Bill !

Despite those earlier protestations we have of course met Bill before, with his terrifyingly rumbly Sylvester Stallone inspired version of He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother - and it’s worth popping off there to find out all about him even if only to note that, for personal reasons I am obviously going to have to come to terms with sooner or later, that review was similarly obsessed with all things bottomlike :

http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?p=408

What Was All That About Fisting ?

The Eurovision Fist is a stage device which must be unashamedly conquered if you wish to stand any chance of ever winning Eurovision. Indeed, so persuasive is its power that at my Eurovision parties all acts get a bonus 10 points on their scorecard for the merest suggestion of it occurring.

For a masterclass in its usage why not take a look at Johnny Logan singing Hold Me Now in 1987. Bravely, he first caresses you with a floppy half fist at 1 minute and 17 seconds as a hint of the pummelling that is surely about to come – before then repeatedly almost ramming you to death with the bloody thing from around the 1 minute 50 mark onwards:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lJCpKDRVII

I Am Not The Beatles Warning : Johnny Logan is a highly trained Eurovision Fisting professional.

Please don’t try this at home.

Thank you.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence
Current Value : 1  I can see it pound and 1 slipping away from me pence.
Current Profit : 224 pounds and 17 pence.  Not a particularly strong showing, it must be said.

Supporting Cast Update : Laine, Frankie; Pitney, Gene; Lauper, Cyndi: Blue Angel; Rondstadt, Linda; Ingram, James; Logan, Johnny

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

“What’s in a name?”

Romeo and Juliet - William Shakespeare

If you’re a little wary at the prospect of dealing with yet another record which doesn’t have a nice picture to look at on the cover then just wait until you hear the bloody thing - as the more this song bounces along to slowly reveal it’s casually noxious update of the Romeo and Juliet story, the more it feels you could well be listening to Black Lace performing a surprisingly perky cover of an old Prussian Blue B side entitled Love Is A Racial Divide That Should Never Be Conquered… But If You Insist On Doing So Please Be Prepared To Die.

On one side of a river stands Running Bear himself, who is native American. You can tell he is native American as he is only able to express himself in simplistic quasi mystical nonsensical terms, such as his love which is as big as the sky.

As metaphors for love go however, this is of course no good whatsoever - as the entire point of such metaphoric mayhem is to compare the desire you feel for your lucky loved one to something either endlessly eternal or immeasurably infinite… and no matter how bloody big the sky may actually be, it does unfortunately have a very definite surface area.

The big thickie.

On the opposite side of the river stands the other main protagonist who is female - and this is made perfectly clear by the fact that, like all good women, she doesn’t get to say anything at all for the entire duration of the piece… although she does hang around silently looking glamorous and emoting quite a bit. Also, almost as if Burnette were drunkenly eyeing her up whilst propping up a bar late at night in his local suburban nightclub, her character is rather condescendingly labelled as a bird.

Most important for our purposes however is the colour of this bird… for the bird… is white.

So what happens when the native American Bear and the White Bird dare enter the strangely metaphorical river in an attempt at a bit of genial interracial groin grabbing ?

Well, in a disappointingly reactionary turn of events, and before they even manage to get a decent snog in, they are both ruthlessly killed and the river turns into… a river of blood.

Which as a summation of Burnette’s personal view on the value of romance between cultures is more than just a little bit depressing, and also slightly sinister.

Why Is That Sinister ? Doesn’t Juliet Die In Romeo and Juliet Too ?

She does, but she ends up committing suicide almost by accident after a Carry On style farcical mix up over phials of poison. Tragic though this turn of events may be it is important to note that her suicide is a direct result of a miscommunication between her and Romeo and that she most definitely isn’t viciously and self righteously drowned alongside her partner in something that is plainly a metaphor for modern society purely because of what her name is and what relationship she chooses be in.

To make matters worse, Burnette even tries to put a stupidly positive spin on this blatant act of racially motivated murder by telling us that -after all that unmentionable terror they both have go through first as they choke their way wide eyed to a despicable and imminent death - they are at least in a really rather patronising happy hunting ground these days.

Which, let’s face it, is a phraseology that heavily suggests he believes they are probably better off there anyway.

Burn The Burnette !

It turns out that this isn’t really all Burnette’s fault after all. Sure, he may have been a tad naive to record it, but crucially he didn’t actually write it. Nope, that was a chap called… The Big Bopper…

Burn the Bopper !

… and you can’t burn him either, as J P Richardson (Mr Bopper’s real name) is already inhabiting his own happy hunting ground in a graveyard in Beaumont, Texas after the plane he was flying in fell out of the strictly limitedly sized sky and killed him - alongside Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the pilot Roger Peterson.

Interestingly however, although he isn’t around his son is - as he was born just 84 days after his father was killed and they thus never met each other. In an effort to prove that this undoubted personal tragedy has in no way affected him or the life decisions he has chosen to make, his son really rather oddly now makes his money by calling himself Big Bopper Jr… and impersonating his own father :

http://www.officialbigbopper.com/video2.htm

Well, I say they have never met each other - but this isn’t strictly 100% true. It is probably much safer to say that they never actually met each other when they were both alive, as in March 2007 the body belonging to Big Bopper Snr was exhumed… and his son took this chance to have a good look at his father’s ever rotting corpse and say hello.

Well, you would wouldn’t you ?

http://tinyurl.com/3md3ul

” His mottled, bluish face was slightly moldy and misshapen - perhaps by globs of mortician’s putty needed to reconstruct his crushed skull - but he was no gelatinous pile of disarticulated bones, as some had expected. His chest had caved inward. His ringless fingers had mummified into curled, dark brown talons. He wore socks, but no shoes. “

Which as a description is, of course, all scarily reminsicent of Geoffrey Moore :

http://www.iamnotthebeatles.com/?p=81

So Just How Big Is Running Bear’s Love For Little White Dove ?

Errr… well, this isn’t anywhere near as straightforward as I initially thought - but ‘we’ do apparently ‘know two things’, even if I don’t personally know or particularly understand them myself :

” …one is that the circumference of a circle is 360 degrees, and is defined as 2 x pi x radius (pi is a number that equals about 3.1415) and the other is that the surface area of a sphere is 4 x pi x (radius)^2.

If 2 x pi x radius=360 degrees then one radius=360 / (2 x pi)=about 57.3 degrees (57.2958 to be more precise). Simply plug that into the second equation to get 4 x pi x 57.3^2=41253 square degrees. “

[There are therefore] over 40 thousand square degrees in the sky.”

http://www.badastronomy.com/bitesize/bigsky.html

The sky, and therefore Running Bear’s love, the article thus concludes “… is pretty big.”

Which isn’t, I must confess, the kind of totally precise answer I was really after.

Money Update

Cost: 8 pence. Where is Burnette ? I have no idea. I swam the raging river of the internet… and wasn’t exactly drowned with pertinent information… Oh well, want to see why my choice of phrase native American would upset some people ?

http://www.csmonitor.com/2004/0211/p08s03-comv.html

Current Value : 3 let’s patronise the primitives pounds and 56 then killthemkillthemkillthem pence. Incredibly, we are now 74 records in and this frankly over inflated value currently puts Burnette in 13th position in the league table. Yes, it is time to hold your hands up Steps-style to the sides of your head… because this is a fucking tragedy.

Current Profit : 199 pounds and 16 pence. Want to hear the original, sung by Johnny Preston in 1959 ? The Rock ‘n’ Roll groove may be a definite improvement, but the message is still exactly the same… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX-zgSZOjkY

Supporting Cast Update : Holly, Buddy; Valens, Ritchie; Peterson, Roger; Prussian Blue; Steps; Preston, Johnny

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Bill Medley’s voice is very low.

Bill’s Medley’s voice is very very low.

In fact, Bill Medley’s distant thunderoll of a voice is so disturbingly unnaturally low that if - like me - you prefer to play your music with a bit too much bass on your stereo, you will very quickly discover this voice can have the rather unnerving physiological side effect of quite literally rumbling the shit out of you.

If this has just happened to you then I would heartily recommend doing what I just did. ie Pop upstairs for a quick shower and a very sensible change of underpants, before returning with a rather nice glass of Harvey’s Bristol Cream in your hand to steady your nerves - along with the bottle’s cork strategically placed up your freshly vaselined bottom to prevent any further accidents. You’re going to need that cork believe me, because what happens next is bizarre…

Right, first we have to do an initial nervous re-wading through those opening buttock shaking lines again whilst Bill drones on about the fact that, yes, roads can indeed be quite long and - what’s more - some of them even have bends in… but if you make it safely past these slightly bland highway related pronouncements, Bill finally tells you his two incredible secrets… which are :

a) On the rare occasions he has both the desire and the access, he quite likes to carry Sylvester Stallone around his back garden by piggyback - and importantly, doesn’t really find it too much of a strain. This is, Bill modestly suggests, nothing to do with his own personal fitness levels but because of the fact that Sylvester is actually alot lighter than those glistening rippling muscles undoubtedly make you presuppose.

b) The reason why Bill is allowed in Sylvester’s back garden in the first place to carry out such a Stallone Carrying Mission is because this aforementioned star of Rambo III is in fact… a close blood relative of his.

What A Winding Turn !

Indeed.

But I suppose if point b) is factually correct it does at least make sense, as all the relevant Stallone Styled nepotism would explain how He Ain’t Heavy ever managed to make it onto the soundtrack of a Hollywood film in the first place, because - let’s face it - without it this huffing, puffing thigh strain of a song would still be lying in agony on the floor of the recording studio begging to be smothered to death with Deep Heat.

As it is though, so much does Bill strain his way through the torturous 4 and half minutes rather overgenerously allocated to him by Giorgio Moroder, it sounds like his vocal was in all probability recorded whilst that Sylvester Stallone piggyback was actually in progress. This is, we must assume, some strange sort of Post Modern High Art Method Singing Experiment which Bill, frankly, fails.

Song Any Good ?

It is unfortunately far too long and doesn’t really have enough of those musical winding turns. As a consequence, it’s welfare shouldn’t really be of your concern.

In fact, it is such hard work that when Bill sings “So on we go…” mere moments in it is certainly possible your initial reaction may well be a rather jaded ‘Must we?’ , and when he reaches ‘We’ll get there..’ it is more than likely that you won’t be too prone to entirely believing this to be the case.

But, get there you eventually do and - if you have the stomach for it - in the outro your reward is Bill repeatedly screaming “He ain’t heavy” and “He’s my brother…” as if he is rather belatedly trying to convince the jury of these so-called ‘facts’ whilst simultaneously being hauled off to the cells having just been convicted for lying about something so unbelievably stupid.

So How Heavy Is Sylvester Stallone ?

He is a very well oiled 228lbs… which converts to just under 16 and 1/2 stone - which is not heavy as such, but also not particularly light.

Still, this does mean that if there is one thing I have learnt today, it is that I probably weigh the same as one of Sylvester Stallone’s legs.

Is Bill Medley Really His Brother ?

No he’s not, the big fibber… but you can see why Bill thought he could probably get away with the deception as Sylvester’s Brother, Frank, is also - allegedly - a musician.

Additionally, although no nepotism was involved in getting Bill’s song into the soundtrack of Rambo III, the same cannot be said of the previous film in the Rambo series very logically called… Rambo II.

Why ?

Because that soundtrack contains a song somewhat punningly entitled Peace Of Our Life, performed and written by….. Frank Stallone.

It turns out that Our Frank has sung many songs on many soundtracks. These include films such as Rocky, starring Sylvester Stallone, and also Paradise Alley, starring Sylvester Stallone. Interestingly, he also actually got an acting role in a film released in 2006 called Rocky Balboa which starred somebody called… errr… Sylvester Stallone.

Apart from that, Frank released an album a couple of years ago called Stallone On Stallone - By Request, which was a collection of his theoretical greatest hits all culled from the soundtracks to his brother’s biggest films.

Do pop off and say hello… be prepared to be shocked though - he looks exactly like Sylvester Stallone would look if you left his face on a radiator for too long :

http://www.frankstallone.com

By the way, all this soundtrack madness means that Bill Medley’s record is also strangely connected to Jean Beauvoir’s - as both him and Jean also appear on the soundtrack to yet another film, called Cobra, starring… you’ve guessed it … Sylvester Stallone.

And who else managed to get a song onto that soundtrack ?

Yep : Frank.

Shut Up About Frank, Tell Me More About Bill…

Bill Medley was, of course, one half of The Righteous Brothers who recorded one of those songs that it sometimes feels is impossible to discover whether or not it’s any good anymore, because you get sick to death of hearing it so bloody much - You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’.

If you have recently lost that lovin’ feelin’ for You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ just like I had, then this should help you :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVrDQQIiweE

Infinitely better than you remember it, isn’t it ?

Sadly, however, Bobby Hatfield - ie the other chap whose vocals were far too loud in the mix at that previous link - has since lost not just his lovin’ feelin’ but absolutely all feelin’, as he died in 2003 :

http://www.spectropop.com/remembers/BHobit.htm

Has Bill Ever Sung A Medley ?

I can find no definitive proof that he has but it certainly seems very likely, as he currently spends most of his time performing at Dick Clark’s American Bandstand Theatre in Branson, Missouri - and it definitely looks like the kind of place where a Medley medley would go down a storm :

http://www.dickclarksabbranson.com/BillMedley.cfm

To show that he won’t be outdone by Sylvester Stallone when it comes to showbiz nepotism, Bill’s daughter Mckenna Medley also has a regular spot there - as well as in Las Vegas :

http://www.lvol.com/bios/e164.html

Want to see Mckenna perform at Dick’s ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYzCuXi0xhE

Sorry, Did You Say This Was Produced By Giorgio Bloody Moroder ?

I did, but it’s no Together In Electric Dreams is it ?

The production isn’t helped by Giorgio indulging in yet another High Art Experiment by apparently constructing the world’s biggest snare drum - roughly the size of an Olympic Swimming Pool - putting it in an echoey warehouse, filling the drum with water, then getting Sylvester Stallone to use a dolphin as a drumstick.

As I am sure Giorgio would be the first to admit, this doesn’t exactly produce the subtlest of sounds to power along your ballad of choice… but then this should come as no real surprise, as the other really rather odd thing Giorgio designed around the same time - the Cizeta Moroder - wasn’t exactly very subtle either.

What the fuck is a Cizeta Moroder ?

It is Giorgio’s car :

http://www.moroder.net/cizeta/m_cizeta.html

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Fucking hell. The cheapest 12″ version I can find of this record is 50 fucking quid. That must be one fuck of a remix Giorgio. The 7″ though ? Errr…. 1 pound and 68 pennies.

Current Profit : 174 pounds and 65 pence. Find exactly why Giorgio is the king of that most maligned of genres, Hi-NRG, here - learn more about this song, here - and find out why Satan’s time is short, here.

Supporting Cast Update : Stallone, Sylvester; Moroder, Giorgio

In a day and age where we have grown used to seeing newborn babies emerge from the womb visibly gutted to discover they have been born with hands too small to play Guitar Hero for a good few years yet, it is easy to be apathetic when faced with vulgar and unprincipalled advertising.

This record though is a fucking disgrace.

Don’t Be Cruel…

I am not - but RCA are, as in an incredibly ugly and cynical piece of financial management they have quite plainly kidnapped The Real Judds and replaced them with two heavily made up Girl’s Worlds.

To A Heart That’s True…

I tell you now, these two wouldn’t know the meaning of the word ‘true’ if it was written backwards in lipstick across their foreheads and they were held in front of a mirror - this is because they are made of plastic and don’t have a brain.

That’s Not Really True Is It ?

It bloody well is, just look at the evidence :

First of all there are, rather tellingly, no photographs taken of them below their shoulders – for the very good reason of course that there is absolutely nothing below their shoulders except the table upon which they have just been rather artlessly placed.

Secondly, if you take a look at the back cover you can see their heads have been specially designed to very cleverly slot together and form an almost perfect rectangle - an obvious money saving exercise which will make them brilliantly easy to slip into a suitcase and take onto their own tour as hand luggage.

Finally, the only make up artist these Judd-U-Likes require will be the nearest 12 year old girl in the vicinity – thus saving the record label quite literally thousands of pounds on an entourage. If you are still a bit doubtful about this whole The Judds Have Been Kidnapped theory, then just take look at the front cover again and ask yourself this question : who else, apart from a young child, would choose to apply that slightly wonky and unnecessarily brave shade of green eyeliner on the one on the right ?

Errr… I Know This Song Don’t I ?

You certainly do.

Will I Like This Version ?

It seems unlikely.

Taking the morally dubious backstory into account, Don’t Be Cruel has essentially been morphed into an ice cream van version of the original and revamped into a plea to teenage girls everywhere not to apply silly make up onto the faces of their ever loyal toy. The fact it has already been noted that this is all rather too late for the one on the right means it could be viewed as a plaintive and wonderfully touching call to arms for decapitated plastic heads everywhere – but all this talk of ‘hearts’ and ‘love’ makes it alarming anthropomorphic.

It Does Have A Gap Though, And I Like Gaps.

Yes it does- but please don’t get overexcited by this prospect… it’s only a tiddler.

Oh Well, At Least The Song Only Lasts For 2 Minutes And 20 Seconds.

That’s true – and although that is something to get excited about, my initial outlay of 8 pence means I still paid 0.05 pence per second for this record, which seems a bit steep.

Did The Real Judds Ever Escape Their Captors And Expose This Scam ?

Thankfully yes - but the experience obviously badly affected the two sisters as they split this band up just a few years later. For the years Wynonna and Naomi were together though they did manage to have a rather incredible fourteen number one singles in the US. Unsurprisingly however, this wasn’t one of them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Judds

Do you want to watch quite literally the last song The Judds ever played together at their last ever concert ? You can tell it’s The Real Judds because they’ve got legs :

http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=VpLk1MaJKNM

Shortly after this performance Wynonna shocked The Entire American Nation when she had a child out of wedlock - she had to make a statement to the press and everything - and then went on to be generally forgiven and have a successful US solo career, perhaps partly due to her new unbelievably straight and sparkly hair :

http://www.wynonna.com

Meanwhile, Naomi - who actually initially retired as she was sadly diagnosed with Hepatitis C - eventually went on to present a Sunday morning religious television show called Naomi’s New Morning :

http://www.faithstreams.com/ME2/Default.asp

Today, like many others before them The Real Judds have just reformed and will play a music festival in California this coming May - they claim they are doing it for one night only so, if you’re a fan, you know what to do :

http://stagecoachfestival.com/

Do You Have A Video Of The Pretend Judds Singing Don’t Be Cruel ?

No.

Suspiciously no video appears to have ever been made, so you’ll just have to make do with Majella singing it instead :

http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=NTj3–pAJ04

Were There Any Other Famous Judds ?

Yes, actress Ashley Judd - Wynonna and Naomi’s half-sister :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashley_Judd

She is married to someone I’ve never heard of, and who I only mention because he’s got a brilliant name - Dario Franchitti :

http://www.franchitti.com/

Can You Tell Me A Bit About The History Of This Song Before You Go ?

Ok : The Jordanaires sung backing vocals on the original Elvis version and reprise their role by popping in and doing a few, admittedly brief, nice crisp doo-wops on The Judds version too. It’s the best bit.

Interestingly, Elvis’ original was the first ever single to top all three separate Billboard charts - Pop, Rhythm and Blues, and Country and Western - and it was arranged and recorded immediately after 30 takes of Hound Dog had just been recorded on the same day.

Just like Sudden Sway, he then recorded 8 different versions of this song. Unlike Sudden Sway, however, he only released one of them : version 7 of this song was the one that was used, along with version 28 of Hound Dog.

Now, although it was no doubt physically tiring doing all those takes, it probably isn’t as tiring as just trying to sit through the one version recorded by The Residents :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don’t_Be_Cruel

I Want To Buy A Girl’s World

Then you’re a fucking fool. These days they speak :

Click For The Full Horror

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Some very odd people actually ask for over 10 pounds for a copy of this record. I eventually found somebody a bit more sensible though : 1 pound 56 pence.

Current Profit : 159 pounds and 41 pennies. Yes I know it’s worth nearly nothing, but I am just glad to be going back up again. Hurrah !

Supporting Cast Update : Presley, Elvis; Residents, The; Jordanaires, The

EDIT : Update now available in ‘Corrections and Clarifications’

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

Based around a groove whose existence appears to be entirely designed just so Working Week could waggle their fingers at the TV camera whilst miming to it on Top of The Pops, Too Much Time quite literally drips with a desperate desire to be the sound of your summer.

As anyone who has ever been unemployed knows however, one downside of having ‘too much time’ on your hands is that it can make you slightly bored and unindustrious. That is certainly a situation which has been replicated here as, for all the ‘time’ the singer consistently claims to have far ‘too much’ of, none of it was ever used productively in order to actually get around to writing a second verse. For a song that takes over 4 minutes to complete, this means you can end up feeling all the summer funk and excitement of a hosepipe ban.

If that wasn’t bad enough, in a frankly bizarre attempt to make up for their langurous approach to songwriting, Working Week then present you with a rather rambling culinary based middle 8 which has nothing to do with the rest of the song whatsoever.

“Sometimes when it gets late and I’m feeling hungry,” it states as the band inexplicably present their ingredients to Ainsley Harriott at the beginning of Ready Steady Cook, “I heat up some old stale beans, open up a can of sardines, eat crackers and dream about someone who’ll cook for me.’

It is presumably at this point that dear old Ainsley camply spins around to speak with their designated chef, waiting expectantly to see what ideas he can come up with for such a food fest - only to find him breaking down live on air as he suddenly becomes painfully aware that he is finally, after all these years, utterly defeated.

What Are The First Symptoms Of Having ‘Too Much Time’ ?

Believing people may be interested in some sort of musical version of your late night eating habits, presumably.

I Think I Do Have ‘Too Much Time’… So Tell Me About Hedgehogs.

OK, I will.

With this song the ‘Connected To Swing Out Sister’ category has finally got another member. The reason for this is that before the vocalist on this song (Juliet Roberts) joined the band, they tried out a lady called Corinne Drewery - fresh from Beau Leisure and When In Rome - only for her to pop off almost immediately to form… Swing Out Sister.

This is a brilliant fact, of course, mainly because it means I get an excuse to mention Corinne’s mum’s Hedgehog Hospital in Louth once again :

http://www.hedgehogcare.org.uk/

They didn’t have their own website when we last mentioned them during the days of Dr Calculus - but rather excitingly they now do and you can do such things with it as buy hedgehog fridge magnets and key rings , read fabulous advice on what to do if you find an ill looking hedgehog in your garden, and also look at their wonderful photo gallery.

Are They Still Working, The Week ?

They are because… they have reformed :

http://www.working-week.org/

Not only are they rated very highly by many, but they were also a bit more subversive than you may initally think. Alot of people say their greatest work was a rendition of Victor Jara’s ‘Venceremos’ with Tracey Thorn from Everything But The Girl :

http://tinyurl.com/22ukpu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dln0c0-0GUE

Who is Victor Jara ? A highly respected Chilean theatre director, poet, singer-songwriter and political activist who was arrested and tortured before being machine gunned to death four days later :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Jara

http://www.fundacionvictorjara.cl/

Gosh. Tell Me More About Working Week.

There seems to have been quite a revolving door of vocalists who worked with the two Working Week chaps - Larry Stabbins and Simon Booth - over the years. The singer on this record, Juliet, first signed a record contract at the tender age of 15 and has also collaborated with such people as Miles Davis, Stevie Wonder and Courtney Pine :

http://www.julietroberts.com/

The not remotely porn-named Larry Stabbins is also terribly successful. He has a long standing association with very famous pianist Keith Tippet, took time out to study philosopy at Kings College, London - and recently released his first solo album Monadic :

http://www.efi.group.shef.ac.uk/musician/mstabbins.html

http://www.emanemdisc.com/E4093.html

Meanwhile, it seems Simon Booth formed a band before this one called ‘Weekend’ with Alison Statton from Young Marble Giants, then after Working Week went on to form Afro-Celt Sound System :

http://tinyurl.com/2j5pn3

http://www.afrocelts.org/

So Working Week Are Alot Cleverer Than You Thought ?

They certainly are.

Another example of their cleverness is this song itself, as ‘Too Much Time’ is actually written by a chap called Don Van Vliet, better known as… Captain Beefheart. I know nothing about the highly influential Captain Beefheart at all incidentally - except that I should probably own a copy of Trout Mask Replica but don’t - so this was a bit of a surprise to say the least :

http://www.beefheart.com/

He was recently spotted shopping in Safeway :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_Beefheart

And is now a full time painter :

http://www.artnet.com/artist/17294/don-van-vliet.html

Can I Buy Some Stuff Before Reading The Money Update Please ?

Yes you can.

Why not choose between The Best Of Working Week , The Spotlight Kid / Clear Spot - the Captain Beefheart album this song is from (you can also hear a snippet of his original version of this song there) - or prints of some of Don’s art.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 1 pound and 70 pence. Too Much Time, but not really Too Much Money.

Current Profit : 149 pounds and 67 pence.

Supporting Cast Update : Pine, Courtney ; Statton, Alison; Tippet, Keith; Davis, Miles; Wonder, Stevie ; Hariott, Ainsley; Thorn Tracey; Jara Victor; Van Vliet, Don