I Am Not The Beatles

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

“America… your head’s too big,” sings Morrissey in the opening line of his song “America Is Not The World.”

This may or may not be the case, but let us put politics to one side for a moment and agree one simple statement of fact : no matter how big America’s head may actually be, it is not as big as the smug ones that recorded this song. This is a record so self satisfied and so absolutely bloody sure of it’s own goodness that - if it could - it would spend it’s days fellating itself to orgasm, and then spitting the remaining fluid into the face of every American it ever met.

That would show ‘em wouldn’t it, eh ?

Here are the most tedious bits :

The Intro

This is presumably supposed to sound like a lonesome exhausted drummer boy, surrounded by the pointless death and destruction of the battlefield. It fails, of course - but there is something almost sexy about it’s utter inneffectiveness. So much so, you yearn for that woman from the Marks and Spencer adverts to do a voiceover on top of it : “This isn’t just a record,” she would groan lustily, “It’s a really fucking long record.”

The Male Singer

The man spends the entire time singing in a really annoying whisper as if singing from his bed and trying not to wake a small child who has fallen asleep in the corner of the studio. By the time that wailing woman from down the corridor joins him for the second verse, he is so distracted by a piece of fluff in his bellybutton or something that he doesn’t even bother to finish singing some of the lines - and that’s just plain lazy.

The Second Verse

This lack of energy and interest does the seemingly impossible and makes a rather silly overcomplicated line about the Klu Klux Klan - “What a start to the day, it starts three times with a ‘K’, there’s no sponsored hour for sinners,” even more silly. This is because he makes it sound like he is singing “there’s no sponsored hour for slimmers,” which makes the listener believe they are being offered a part in some sort of Kellogg’s Special K Diet Challenge.

This is unfortunate only in so much that it reminds you that this kind of cereal based diet hell would actually be preferable to listening to this record ever ever again.

The Length

It is nearly six minutes long.

The Length

It is worth repeating this : It is nearly six minutes long.

The Guitar Solo

The final two minutes of these six minutes is a really annoying guitar solo, during which we must presume the members of Latin Quarter sit around smugly with their arms folded, staring moodily into the middle distance.

It is the kind of instrumental bit that appears to be telling us that absolutely everything worth saying has now been said perfectly- and all that is left now is the unsayable via the wonderful music of their own genius.

Unfortunately for them, the likelihood is that most people will have either turned this record off before they get to this bit or died of sheer boredom, so they will very rarely get this chance to show off.

Where Are They Now ?

Well, it turns out they were essentially Steve Skaith (or, at least, so he claims). In another ‘errr that’s a bit weird’ moment, his latest album was released just 8 weeks ago :

http://www.mexile.com/

Back to Latin Quarter- they did of course have one biggish hit called ‘Radio Africa’ which got to number 17 in the UK charts, and was certainly a slightly better song than this one. If you want to listen to an equally stupidly long version of that song whilst inexplicably looking at a turntable in sepia, then your wish can be granted. Clicky here :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gl5JUfvcE7g

Apart from that, just about everything you could possibly ever want to know about Latin Quarter lives here :

http://www.radioafrica.co.uk/index.htm

Now, this Steve chap is obviously very very very serious (you can tell that because he included the lyrics in this record’s gatefold sleeve), and the band obviously mean well.

Here for example is the explanation of what ‘America For Beginners’ is all about. I warn you now, this is very nearly as long as the song. Pace yourselves :

“The election of Ronald Reagan to President of the USA and subsequent swing to the political right horrified many people. “Bed-Time for Bonzo”: One of Reagan’s last movies in which his co-star, a chimpanzee named Bonzo, was the better actor. Great Britain under the leadership of Margaret Thatcher became little more than just another State of America. The paranoia of the McCarthy era surfaced again with the administration’s determination to rid the world of the red menace aboard. The origins of crack cocaine in California was traced back to the Contras, a guerrilla force backed by the Reagan administration that attacked Nicaragua’s Sandinista government during the 1980s. Payment were made to drug traffickers by the U.S. State Department from funds authorised by the Congress for “humanitarian assistance” to the Contras. In some cases after the traffickers had been indicted by federal law enforcement agencies on drug charges, in others while traffickers were under active investigation by these same agencies. These activities were carried out in connection with Contra activities in both Costa Rica and Honduras. Even the swingers of the permissive 60’s are suddenly swerving to the right. At prime time the vigilantes are appearing in programmes about the “good fight”, while the day begins with a triple “K”. (The Klu Klux Klan.) There’s no sponsored programme for the sinners, instead they’re bringing back the electric chair. (The “hot seat”.)”

Which is all very worthy I am sure you agree, and Latin Quarter should be praised for trying to bring such issues to the fore in what can be a rather insipid Pop World. Their heartfelt explanation above possibly even makes me feel slightly silly - but, crucially, it doesn’t make this song any better.

Much more interestingly, the wordy explanation above mentions both Nicaragua… and Cocaine. Which means this song is strangely linked to a much better one.

Finally, there is a Latin Quarter album still available called ‘Modern Times’ which includes this song, ‘Radio Africa’, and a very pleasant one called ‘Voices Inside’. Pop off and buy it here if you like :

http://tinyurl.com/2rrq39

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : Oh dear. Well… I can find a few copies of the original 7″- but absolutely none of this limited edition one. I am not saying it is definitely worth absolutely nothing, but The Rules very clearly state that if no copies are available then I must presume a worldwide lack of interest, and record a disappointing minus 8 pence. This hasn’t happened since Georgio and that was ages ago. But… it has finally happened again : minus 8 pence.

Current Profit : 105 pounds and 66 pence. I can’t believe it. We have gone down. So, only one question remains : which song is worse ? Sex Appeal ? Or this one ?

Click above for big pictures, click below to play me…

“It would be premature to describe 28 year old Randy Travis as a household name in Europe…”, states the blurb in the lavishly packaged booklet that comes with this record. ‘Premature’ would indeed be one way to describe it, but I can’t shake the feeling that ‘A Huge Cocking Lie’ would perhaps be a better summation of the situation.

This very glossy booklet overflows with countless gleaming photos in which a glistening Randy tries desperately not to smile at the camera. In fact, the pages of the booklet are so incredibly shiny you get the feeling the designers were actually consciously creating some sort of re-usable wipe free surface – just in case gazing at countless visages of Randy’s chiseled features and rampant sexuality got anybody a little overexcited.

Yet the assumption of his apparently obvious hunkiness also seems to be rather ‘premature’, as in reality there is something of the pencil about our Randy. Somehow it looks like his face has been drawn onto the eraser bit of a nice HB and, if you turned him upside down, it would be possible to use the top of his head to rub stuff out.

Meanwhile, in other photos it is less a case of ‘I Am Not The Beatles’, and more a case of ‘I Am Not Paul Robinson’ :

Randy is also a bit ‘premature’ with his views on women. He will, he says, love you for

“As long as old men sit and talk about the weather, As long as old women sit and talk about old men…”

which seems to be an oddly outdated perception, as it suggests he believes all the men should have a decent hobby – in this case meteorology – yet thinks women should have no outside interests except talking to each other about their husbands who have interesting hobbieson their behalf… the big bloody sexist.

Also, these people are old - they’re not going to be talking about other people talking about the weather for very much longer are they ? It is a strictly limited timescale we are dealing with here. The next generation of old people aren’t going to be boring each other shitless about the weather, I promise you. They’ll be doing it by wanking on about the latest Nintendo Wii X-Pro XVI that is now small enough to inject directly into their ever decaying eyeballs.

It all goes even more horribly wrong in the second verse. I am not going to ruin it for you but here is a warning : You’ll understand what dear Randy is trying to say, but it is all so jaw-droppingly badly phrased that if you are currently eating Coco Pops you may need to stop doing so at this bit - or you may well end squirting them out of your nostrils in disbelief.

The Best Bit

Whenever he sings “Oh darlin’..” but only because when he does it, it sounds like a cute affectation – but if I attempt to join in, I inexplicably sound like a Dorset farmer talking to my favourite cow.

The Outro

There is a room in hell where this song never ends. You enter the room, the door locks quietly behind you, and it plays all the way to the outro as normal but when Randy sings

“… forever and ever, forever and ever, forever and ever, forever and ever, forever and ever…”

It hits an eternal groove and plays in your soul forever and ever and ever.. and there is no Amen.

It’s also got a free interview flexi disc! Any good ?

No, not really. But there’s a fun bit towards the end when he talks about being rejected by countless record companies - but ‘they were always real nice to us’ when they did so. Awww… bless :

Where Is Randy ?

Well, as intimated in the above interview, it seems our Randy had a wild streak in him when he was younger - as he did a few naughty things and eventually ended up in prison :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randy_Travis

Then, after much singy success, he found a nice lady to love forever and ever - although it was a bit of a shame that she was married at the time…

Still, he is alive and well, living here

http://www.randy-travis.com/

and has gone all Christian on us :

http://www.christianitytoday.com/music/artists/randytravis.html

He is obviously a little bit older these days. Hmmm… I wonder if he lets his wife invite any friends around so they can have a good chinwag. You know, just to talk about him - talking about the weather.

Money Update

Cost : 8 pence

Current Value : 2 pounds and 24 pence. Incidentally, Gemm claims that Randy “kicked open the door for the “country hunk” phenomenon of the ’90s.” Gosh. Pass the Kleenex.

Current Profit : 82 pounds and 68 pence. Incidentally, this is the most successful single chart-wise thus far. Yes, it reached the dizzy heights of… number 55. This is all comparative to nothing of course - as none of the previous songs actually charted at all.